Black Dogs 29

Doodle Thankyou for understanding.
Hope you've been OK today though I know its such a particularly bad time of re-living painful times.
My DGS will be 11. Going into Secondary school after summer holidays. Growing up so ( too) fast.

Wyllow oh dear I’m sorry you had such an awful episode. Good that you got to see the psychiatrist and that she is going to write the document you wanted for the safeguarding people. Hope it helps and you can be more rested tonight.
Sweetpeasue that pain you’re suffering must be awful. My friend had the same thing and I know it did take quite a toll on her. Plus you’ve had all the worry about your Dh. Now worry about your aunt too. I’m hoping she’ll settle and be comfortable, Have a lovely time with your DGS on his birthday. How old is he?
HVDY have a lovely holiday. Hope you can relax and enjoy.
Scaredycat have you been out today? It’s been much brighter here but very cold still.
Ellie Anne Dh and I loved Morse. We often used to re watch episodes. I have all the books here but haven’t read them. Must get round to it. DH bought them for me.

Wyllow So glad you talked to the Psychiatrist- sounds like a good plan to get them involved and to let Safeguarding know how upset you are and that you have a history of a good caring attitude to others.
Leave it in their hands and rest mind and body now.

Had a quiet day today. Have felt quite sorry for myself and worried about the toll the Fibromyalgia is taking on my body as the pain has been worsening but have no options so need to get on with it.
Felt very upset about my aunt. Yesterday her DD told her she'll be going into a care home( 2 week placement)- said aunt received it like a prison sentence. She wants to go home but cant walk without frame yet. Been thinking of her all day but felt better when told that ,after initial confusion she seemed happy when left there. We'll visit her Thursday.
Id looked up the home and the photos of the residents ,some various stages of dementia, well, it all looked a bit like an asylum for very old people ,some playing games. My heart went out to my aunt. Its all so sad.

DGS'birthday tomorrow. We got him a Skateboard he wanted. All going for out for tea tomorrow with his dad and my DIL and her little girl.

How is everyone?

All you lovely kind and helpful BD's. x

I saw the Psychiatrist this afternoon and she and the Psycologist are going to document the trauma but also give what amounts to a charter reference based on Thor now 6 years of knowing me - ie I don't lie or invent, I have a very strong conscience, have a good hold on realities,I take on board others needs, I am known to support others MH wise et al.

Exhausted now to take it in. We discussed adding Sertraline but I'm on a lot of other meds and this would mess me up physically so not now unless I do drop in black hole as before.

I'll be back in later to hear about other BD days xx

Wyllow I hope you had a good sleep last night and things didnt look quite so grim this morning. Most of all I hope the crisis people got back to you, or at least you have been able to talk to someone from MH today. It sounds as if your nearing close to not being able to cope at all and I know when your head gets really full and you cant take any more ,thats the time when these thoughts about getting 'knocked out' to stop it all come into your head. You just want it all to stop.
Hang on to the thought your psychiatrist will be in later this week and you can talk it all out with her- she understands and knows your difficulties and the whole situation with the Mr A fallout and how its affected you.
I dont really know what to say except we are here and listen.
You dont need to fall down that black hole again and you are a perceptive and strong person - dont listen to the negatives.
Sending love and hugs.xx

Thank you EllieAnne, thats very kind of you to reach out. I take night meds so get off to sleep OK, it's after that. How do you sleep, generally?

Doodle funny you mentioned morse as last night I found the very first episode and started to watch it but fell asleep I will get back to it.
Oh Wyllow I wish you could get the help you need. Mr A has done so much damage. I hope this time the quakers realise how serious this is. I hope you manage to get some rest.

Relieve agitation not receive above.

Safe travel, great holidays, HVDY. Jaffa clearly guessed something was going on. Maybe you slept on the plane? I hope the hotel is everything you wanted.

I remember you reporting those days in Black Dogs too, Doodle.
You were amazing. You were strong for him when it was most needed and love gave you the drive to cope. At these times, it "comes out afterwards".

Sometimes weeks: sometimes years. It doesn't mean the intensity will be there forever.

Each time, one looks through the past the lenses are that bit different. For now, they are powerful, but remember... how you made his last days the very very best that was possible. It is indeed fascinating to find out things about another life that we never knew. Long lives have many, many both ordinary and extraordinary stories.

Like you found with DiL's mum, Sweetpeasue. Helps you to know DiL better too.

PurplePixie, you did that jumper amazingly quickly! Yes it is lovely to be with very little ones, they are a delight and bring their bright hope with them when they are loved, as he clearly is.

Will wait with you Scaredycat for the results. thinking of you while you wait and have a chance to discuss whatever it it x

I woke exhausted but impelled to address the clear lack of belief in what I said, ie the assault for so long, in most minds.

And the conviction that had I been known and respected in the way MrA apparently was ......it would have never all happened, ie a well known and respected women been assaulted by a little known male figure after only being around for 3 months. (Actually, some find him pretty creepy, but that has only come out recently).

So I simply told them about me: I've been a Quaker for 40 years, they know only a fraction: and no one bothered to try and find out more, either "All model Quakerly stuff" (except F in hospital and R the nice one who helped it come out recently.

It didn't receive my agitation and bad thoughts: I hadn't expected it to:

I had sent off what I had written with both the briefing for the Zoom with the HQ Safeguarder

and what I wrote this morning,

and my worrying state of mind,

off to my psychologist to hand onto the psychiatrist with briefing (One only gets and hour with her, and she isnt up to date...)

But I got a mail back saying she wasn't in till later this week, so I crashed, had been drinking brandy, sent them off to Psychiatrist directly, and then rung the crisis line as I wanted to drink alcohol and take extra diazepam. Not enough to do damage but to knock out the thoughts.

I did get a call back but had silenced my ring tone and so didnt pick it up as was asleep...just had time to check the email had got through before close of play at the office, then got a call from 111 as they had alerted them. so waiting for tomorrow.

I want my MH people to get marginally involved. I want them to tell Safeguarding that I don't lie or invent: that I am conscientious and not say of course that Safeguarding did wrong, they would not do that, but rather that the consequences of the way it was handled, including of course the gaslighting, has seriously affected me and I cannot be expected to sit in a meeting with my attacker.

I know when I am endanger of another depressive episode, and the symptoms are similar: will see what she says. she is very very good: one of the best I've met out of maybe 20 different psychiatrists in 24 years.

Doodle You were amazing to be able to do the things you did for your DH. All with needing the pacemaker and being poorly yourself. It all must have had major impact on your own health. It was such a blessing yo get him into the hospice to have the best possible care at the end of life. You will never forget those very frightening times ,as in that chair in the cold. So many memories you are re- living. Sending you love .
I found the reel of photos of life of DILs mum so important andshowed the whole person , being young and going through their lives.

Ellie Anne I do think that boys tend to me more bossy than girls when young, glad you got to see him and have a play.
I liked the gentleness of the Chelsea Detective too. Along the same lines of Morse which I loved.
Wyllow good you get on with your psychiatrist. Having someone you can talk things over with helps a lot. Hope the report helps you. Thanks for the sketchers tip.
HvDY have a lovely trip. How exciting. Time to show off the slim new you and to relax.
Purplepixie so good your Dh gets in with your son. How lovely to have a visit.
Scaredycat so glad your friend managed all her chemo and she is looking better. That must lift your spirits.
I’ve been to a funeral today of one of our elderly parishioners. Such an interesting life and lovely photo film strip. You forget when you only know people in old age that once they were sprightly youngsters too.
Two years ago we were confronted by the news that DH was not going to get better and I was fighting to get him into the hospice. Thinking about those times I wonder how I managed to get through those days. It’s amazing what we can do when we have to. I remember sleeping in a hospital chair and being freezing cold all night and so very very frightened and sad.

Purplepixie So glad you had a nice time with your son. My DH isnt sons dad either and not always easy when they were young. Everyone gets on well and there is much love. Hope you're happy with the sweater - the yarn looked such a nice colour.

HVDY Hope you have a really nice time.
Wyllow Youve come so far ,please dont let Mr A overthrow all that- hes not worth it. You must feel pretty terrible to have those thoughts and you trust that psychiatrist so much. Hang on there and you need to tell him all.
Hope you're feeling a little better today.
Scaredycat Its lovely to hear how well your friend is doing after all that chemo. Im sure youll all have a good chat this afternoon - must be so good to see her much better. I didnt really do much gardening. Just 15 mins. Weeds are such a nuisance aren't they.

Hope everyone else is OK today.
Today has been lost for me. It just hurts too much to move and I gave in this afternoon and went to bed.
Take care all.

Enjoy your holiday hydy

Hi all
HVDY- have a brilliant holiday and enjoy every minute.
Rock Choir sounds just the job for you- my friend loves it . It is a brand and has over 400 named Rock Choir. Hers sings all sorts but no dancing - I don’t think they do dancing.
My boys love those bouncy fishing rod toys where the worm on the end wangs about like crazy. I don’t play with it much as I,m scared they will hurt themselves they jump so high!!
Happy holidays
Doodle - your puffa jacket sounds lovely- what a gorgeous colour for the Sunmer.
If you get some Skechers you,ll never look back. They really are the most comfortable shoes ever. Lots of nice colours too.
If you have an outlet centre near you they are much cheaper.
Wyllow- don’t think Rock Choir does dancing too. Just Google Rock Choir.
I have the report from my echo but until I speak with the Doc on the 19th I won’t really know the score.
I,m worried about your self harm comments- please be open when you talk to your psychiatrist . The Mr A worry has gone on long enough. He has done damage to you but you re strong. Dont let a disgusting man ruin the wonderful gains you have made over the last 12 months.
EllieAnne- so glad the choir went well. There must be a great feeling of camaraderie between you all.
Do,you like Ben Fogle ? He does a lovely programme called New lives,in the Wild about people who,have chosen to live off grid in places all over the world. It’s really interesting .
SweetPeaSue-when the weather is nice it’s so tempting to do a bit of gardening isn’t it. Getting down is fine but Oh the getting up again is a pit panicky!!
Why are weeds so much healthier than the flowers we plant and see after like babies?
Hope DH is feeling some improvement with the new meds.
PurplePixie- Ah the love for your son comes through your words. So glad you were able to,spend that time with him.
It’s good that he and your DH get along OK and he was more amenable this weekend.
Can’t believe you.ve finished your jumper already!! We need to see a picture.

This afternoon I will visit my friend - she is looking brighter each day. Her rounds of chemo were so punishing - the consultant said many,people cant do it all the way as she did.
Our other friend will be there too so a lot of nattering will be going on.
Take care all Xxxxx

I had a lovely visit on Friday night till Saturday morning with my youngest son. Short but sweet visit. He’s a joy to be around. DH is not his dad and thankfully they do get on, now.
I did a lot in the garden over the rest of the weekend. DH was ok.
A trip to the shops then sewing together my knitted sweater is on the cards for today.

SweetpeaSue Thanks. I have lists for everything. I always pack far more clothes than I need, too. Weeding is so hard on the knees. Have you tried using long-handled tools?
Doodle Thank you. Hope you have a good week.
Wyllow3 Thanks. We're staying at Bitzaro Grande Hotel. It looks decent, and the front faces a large open field. I used to get school things ready for my sons, too, and did their ironing until they left home (they were 25 and 28), as well as washing and ironing when they came back (Son1 for 3 years). What you said about wanting to harm yourself is very troubling. Tell your Psychiatrist fully.

Jaffa was very demanding of strokes and cuddles all night, and I've been awake since 4.45. I'll be exhausted later. Flight isn't until 2.20, so perhaps I'll doze on the plane. Love to all x

Her report might be useful, not just to me, but to show to others. We'll see.

HVDY. - safe travel now! I hope where you stay is lovely and do send postcards if you have wifi and the time.

That's good to hear about little GS, EllieAnne. Its a mistake to go along with any child on everything,

But my DS is also an only child and did cause some trouble at school because he was used to sorry of getting a response quickly, not competing, and I did too much for him as in laying school clothes out getting sports stuff ready, when my DGC have had to fend for themselves from the clean washing basket from 4.
"where are my dinosaur socks"
"didnt you put them in the wash?
"no"
"well, you'll have to wear something else"

However we were both very clear when we were having "grown up time" "time for ourselves, go away, go to the other parent"

There is quite a lot of good "old stuff" on, it depends what you like and I forgot about U tube which of course has loads of stuff and music too for you.

I don't wear cement but do buy some nice creams and cleansers instead. I just never, ever have, worn make up apart from teenage tryouts.
And moved in "alternative" circles where no one really wore make up anyway. I didn't "settle" till I was 30.

Well done on that gardening Sweetpeasue. Yes gardening on your knees is demanding no doubt about it, I get round it by still being able to bend over to weed or plant but not for too long - and have help.

If you try Sketchers trainers Doodle try both lace ups and slip ons before you decide.

Some feet slip around a bit in "slip ons", others find them perfect. But they have good toes room for and a bendy sole and impact protection (think, extra bounce, or indeed, any bounce).

Quaker meeting was OK in some ways but it was as if there were a shadow in the room where the assault had been that I didn't feel before MrA came back. I've had some serious MH symptoms like wanting to drive into walls or feeling frightened around knives over the last few days. Psychiatrist on Tuesday to take it all to. Assessment and advice.

It's a matter of having insight but that insight not being enough to overcome trauma and over to her for guidance if possible. Her reports are very open and honest.

Point is - I trust her. I have met many different MH people and know the differences.

Yes doodle I’ve watched all the Chelsea detective. Wish they would make more.
Ds2 and family were here today. Little gs was much better today. He spoke more and played in the garden. He can be bossy but I think some of that is because he’s an only child and mum and dad tend to go along with him.

Ellie Anne do you watch the Chelsea Detective on U?
Glad your singing went well. Good you have something you enjoy.
Sweetpeasue I use number 7 cement too. Or should that be pollyfilla not sure 🤣 interesting about the sketchers. I’ve often looked at them. I might try a pair.
HVDY happy anniversary to you and your Dh. Glad you had a nice lunch. Enjoy your trip.
Wyllow I can watch a lot of channels on the iPad if you download apps or pay subscriptions. I have Prime. Netflix, BBC, ITV, 5 and 4 , U. Quite a lot to choose from.
Scaredycat hope you get to discuss your results properly. Have you had a good weekend?

Scaredycat You made me smile when you said you liked to think of all in one 'spirit'. Sketchers are great aren't they- I should treat myself to another pair. I have some white ones but could do with another colour. Hope youve been OK today.
Purplepixie How have you been? Ive been in the garden doing some weeding but can only manage short bursts because of knees.

EllieAnne Hope youve had a decent day today and seen friends at church.
I like medical programmes too - its encouraging and shows people can be helped. Your choir sounds such a good one . Im sure Dancing Queen was sure to have got the audience motivated.

Doodle I get mine from Boots its actually a no 7 cement. I think you're bound to notice improvement in your knees by those exercises though do be careful. I overdid some knee physio and ended up on a stick but the physio told me to keep going!
Wyllow What a lucky find in the charity shop- there are some bargains in some of them. I think a choir would be a great idea for you, especially as you love singing . Hope youve had a nice day today and managed Quakers without any glitches- crossed fingers.
HVDY Happy Wedding Anniversary to you both. Been a nice sunny day here too. What a good day youve had. You must be so excited . I always go over in my mind about what I might have forgotten- once you're away you can relax. Bon Voyage! ✈️🌅😊