Black Dogs 29

Willow the Stanley Spencer Gallery is in his home town where he met and married his first wife. There are a limited number of his paintings there but you can watch videos of his life and works. It was very interesting. Interesting paintings but not my thing. Art is always viewed differently by everyone. What one likes another doesn’t. I can see how he would appeal to others. A lovely day. Lunch in a tiny cafe then a surprise visit to the local church where an orchestra was rehearsing. Walk along the river and home before rain. Not quite sure what is happening at your Quakers meeting tomorrow but hope you’ll get the support you need to get through Mr A being there.

Sweetpeasue I think you’ll find that the people who “don’t honk much and seem to be happy” are either ignorant and uncaring of others or putting on a front. Most people under the surface have troubles or things they are worried about. We often hide those worries from others.
I miss DH every second and it hurts but I would rather care and hurt than not be bothered.
Don’t feel guilty about feeling low. You have things of great worry to you. Life hasn’t been easy. Don’t berate yourself you are doing the very best you can.
HVDY hope that holiday is going well and your sunburn isn’t hurting.
Scaredycat I’m not into reading romance or novels with angst and strife in them. Nor the ones with endless dialogue between people. I like something that intrigues me and makes me want to read more. Then I never want the book to end.
Purplepixie I cannot imagine how hard your life is. How you and Ellie Anne cope day to day, I wish there was a way of making life better for you both,

It's a good question.

Of course we do.

Mind you, it's likely that we imagine they are happier than they actually are.

I think taking Fluff ball in sounds lovely, I hope it's allowed.

Just exhausted today, just the gym, didnt stay long. Walking through treacle mentally and physically.

I loved the sociability of the meeting last night, but its KO'd me, except a call to kind QuakerR which I needed to make as MrA is at my local Quakers tomorrow and told him much to cope with

and to tell him I am seeing Safeguarding at the Zoom but letting him know:

That I have not told the other 2 people as well as him who look after my meeting currently about the Zoom ahead but Safeguarding will tell them what is needful.

back later

Please ignore last sentence of my previous post- am just a miserable old so n so!

Doodle Hope you enjoy the art gallery with your friends. Ive not heard of Stanley Spencer but I know nothing about art. So chilly here- hope its warmer where you are for your outing.
My aunt has Alzheimers.
PurplePixie It must be so difficult for you and lonely at times. Hope you slept last night. I do think, even on a smaller level, that as we get older there can be less to talk about to each other.
Wyllow So glad your sis was reassuring and confirmed your decision about letter to Safeguarding.
I feel familiar with your reasons for slipping into depression.

Will be having Fluffball tomorrow for a couple of days while son and DIL away.
I contacted care home to see if it was OK to visit with her ( on lead at all times). Thought it might cheer up aunt a bit. She loved her when we took her a yr ago but weeks later shed forgotten about it. We'll see how it goes.
Just been deadheading and bought 2 tomato plants. They are for outdoors so Ill have to mollycoddle the things for a while yet- why did I do it? Just more to look after. Just feeling tired but each day I must count blessings as so many worse off. I feel guilty about feeling low .
Does anyone else wish they were one of those people who dont 'think too much' and seem to be born 'happy'.

Oh, I’m so very glad your friend has found another lady close by Scaredycat. Cups of tea together will make a lot of difference.

Yes - it is exhausting. Lots of minute decisions about what to say for the best at times and what to say about ones own worries - or not.

Yes, sis did put my mind at rest for today at least.

“Well, its the truth of what happened”

- and best of all “ since MrA is so thick skinned you aren’t going to do Terrible Damage by standing up to him and demanding to face consequences"

Ah Doodle yes - how one tries to balance truth/standing up for oneself and often totally imagined consequences.

Oh my! I love Stanley Spencer’s work. Lot of Christian imagery, and in some ways a sad life (I don’t know how much detail they will go into TMI stuff) but a wonderful artist.

You have stepped a long way PurplePixie by stepping into the challenge of exposing matters at home and truth telling, which is not at all easy.

Sometimes we fall into depression rather than face what seem impossible obstacles to get our minds around in my case, conflict and anger. Sometimes is something else altogether, like our past, or a genetic pre-disposition. A trigger for my depressions is often conflict, pretending to myself I am stronger than I am, so the collapse is bigger as held off.

Yes life is strange. Or is it, and we cling to the idea it won't change, as a change, means anxiety, unknown upheaval, even if it’s from a really bad place? Its so "human" especially as we age, to want things to stay the same or magically be better.

Wyllow's annoying Thought for the Night.
In the meantime, I’ll join you in a little snifter.

Thank you for reaching out to me. You are all so kind.
We used to go out and socialise but not much now. I really do not like him. When we do go out I alway manage to get through it but chatting to others that might be there. We recently went out to a pub and the couple on the next table were really chatty and talked for ages. I enjoyed the night and DH drove. We have nothing in common any more. Sad really. Night night all. Off to bed now with a whisky hot toddy and a book about Paul O’Grady. Catch up tomorrow. Life is strange. Thank you for being there for me.

wyllow I’m a bit that way myself. Write something to someone and then worry if I’ve been to forceful. You have been through so much and you didn’t get the support you should have done. You’ve had to fight this battle on your own so I would say you’ve done the right thing in speaking up.
Sweetpeasue sorry does your aunt have dementia? Homes can be so different. I hope you cousins finds a suitable lace for your aunt. Somewhere she will be comfortable. You’ve been so good to your aunt. Such a worry for you.
HVDY iburnt my face once and was advised to put aloe Vera on it.. Worked like a dream. Hope it helps you.
Aw Scaredycat how lovely your friend has made a friend. It must be hard for you to visit her but seeing her comfortable with someone else must help.
I used to love reading and during the period when I. Pilent concentrate i missed it so much but my mind just wouldn’t allow me enough peace to read. Even now my reading is limited by my ability to concentrate but at least I’m interested in books now.
Been a nice day here with friends. I am so lucky with the friends I’ve made. Going to the Stanley Spencer Gallery tomorrow with friends hoping to have lunch nearby.

Wyllow Thankyou for all that. Absolutely no idea about any costs involved in the home.
Hope your sis and DS can assure you- youve done nothing wrong at all. .Monday cant come fast enough for you.
Scardycat Im glad your friend has made another one in that home. I can imagine how emotionally exhausting it is after those visits. It takes a lot to form some sort of conversation when their short term memories are like a blank and trying to avert those 'I dont remember' type of replies. Its hard when they get upset , my aunt was when we left. It stays with you.
HVDY Aww youve found another furry friend who knows a cat lover when he sees one.
Its an awful thing to see your mum like that- mine was same. Its just terrible, Im sorry.
The staff seem nice at aunt's care home. They are very busy all the time - youll understand about that.

PurplepixieEllieAnne**Doodle**Nadateturbe Hope you're OK.
Love to all.xx

Hi ll

Yesterday after visiting our friend we were really tired - the emotion of the visits is exhausting. However she has made a friend who was the sweetest lady although equally as ill as our friend. It touched me very much to see them together.

HVDY- glad your legs are more comfortable. You are fair skinned I,m guessing so burn easily- me too.
Trust you to,find some cats- there are often cats in hotel gardens aren’t there. He looks lovely I can imagine you bringing him some food from the buffet!!
Hope you had a good trip into town- the shops are always so tempting aren’t they.
Wyllow- you have such valuable advice and information for all. I wish I had such useful knowledge.
You are sensible to plan a move while you are still young. You have courage in spades although you don’t think so. It sounds like a good practical way to go about it and not too much hassle.
You had a busy day yesterday so your tired mind put ideas into your head- you have done nothing dreadful and I,m sure when you speak with DS or Sis they will put your mind at rest.
Doodle- keeping busy and on the move definitely helps our low moods. The books you like to read are ones that require concentration and not filled with a lot of flowery words- I like them too. I also like books about past times.
Hope you managed to,stay awake.
SweetPeaSue- it’s desperately sad for you when you have to leave you Aunt at the end of a visit to the care home. We feel the same when we leave our friends. But your Aunt is still adjusting to what will feel so alien to her. I hope her DD is able to find somewhere kind and homely for her like the one Wyllow described her Dad was in.
PurplePixie- what a great jumper- such beautiful knitting and so quick too!! I,m interested to see what you make next.
You must be so looking forward to seeing your friend- feeling lonely as you do is soul destroying. Far better to be on your own and able to please yourself. Of course that’s not easy either but not so destructive.
EllieAnne- you now have someone here who knows just how you feel . I,m so sad for both of you.
Nadateturbe- sending love

Love to all- hope the weekend has some brighter moments for you allxxx

Hi HVDY, I hope the gel makes your legs well as soon as possible and it's not stopping you getting around and about.

I was delighted but not surprised that you have made a furry friend.

I have sent the letter from my Psychiatrist and Psychologist on to the Safeguarders who will be there on Tuesday. Explained why I had felt it necessary to ask for it. I had woken this morning very depressed yet again..

which may explain my boldness..as

I wasn't in anyway "nasty" but my letter did expose more than I have felt able to say before:

why some shortcomings by the local Safeguarders combined with those in my meeting in charge at the time led to the events that had caused so much trauma.

Then I had a sleep so exhausted and of course feel now the pits
I Have Done Something Really Dreadful and ..it's the end of the world and..the usual type of thoughts - self attacking, despair, as per.

(there is some kind of an inside voice that says be nice to people when its at this level and dont rock the boat and so on.)

I will run it past Sis and DS when I can. Its just as well that co-incidentally I have an appointment with my Psychologist on Monday, but tha know seems a very very long time away.

Wyllow3 very sad about your mum. My mum had a bad stroke and couldn't speak or swallow. She was put on the Liverpool Pathway, so had no nutrition at all and died 3 weeks later when they withdrew the saline drip.
Doodle Hope your time at church was good. I bet you were busy.
PurplePixie Lovely jumper. I like the colour.
ScaredyCat I've been putting Alie Vera gel on my legs. They're a little bit better. Hope you're well.
SweetpeaSue Glad your GS enjoyed his birthday.

Haven't had a signal here most of the time, so apologies for a short post. There are 2 cats in the hotel grounds. Made friends with one. Going out soon, to the town. Love to all x

In a way that makes it simpler Sweetpeasue but..... does put DD in the position of only finding a better home if they find a better one that costs more than low level provision, its more expensive by paying the top up fees herself.
FWIW, my Ex's Dad was in a really good home at that basic level with dementia, it wasn't much to look at from the outside or in a "good" area, but inside the care was lovely.

Brain currently addled, back in later.

Wyllow Sorry ,cant reply with full and clear mind.Have joined the BDs with a couple of drinks.

Oh the guilt , yes, we all must have that to an extent or we wouldnt be human.Glad youve got the statement from Psychiatrist.
Regarding aunt- she doesnt own her own home and no significant savings at all so totally relying on social services.

Oh, she sounds really capable Sweetpeasue, in that role - I'm so very glad. There will be a lot of money complications to sort out.

I hope I have the courage and ability to sort out being in a flat and supported and so on in time and just not leave it. Easier said than done.
I have chosen the place and by losing a % on your house value they will sell you home and move you and pack and unpack and so on. (McCarthy and Stone)

PurplePixie that jumper is amazing and lovely and cuddly, you work so quickly, its seems no time since it was a ball of wool. All the best with Head Control xx

That was what I read Doodle in the long depression - thrillers - without too many feelings but good characters. I've got a lot of David Baldacci stashed away upstairs. (you tried him? Start with the Camel Club Series or King and Maxwell series..
...John Gresham.
The other big thriller writers. what I can guarantee is if I have to start reading them again, I will not remember many bits but just familiar enough. I was also able to watch Death in Paradise and Montalbano. ...Prego..Ciao!

I expect you will be very tired after church but I hope it was a good session there.

I'm so tired have almost forgotten most of today, as I didnt sleep in the afternoon, but it included the gym, a coffee and nice vegan roll in the Park, very short walk as it was sunny, and a half hour meeting. Did get the Statement from the psychologist and psychiatrist re MrA - will say more tomorrow...I predict my main problem at the Zoom will be GUILT poor MrA blah blah he did so many good things in his past and he's getting on now and misses the meeting so much blah blah.

I shall take the guilt dilemma to. Sis, who has a good dollop herself, part of the family inheritance. (I bet I'm not the only one in here with it)

Wyllow Thankyou so much for offering all this practical help.
The thing is , its not my own place to offer advice and my cousin, aunt's youngest DD who is a very capable person ( and wife of a vicar) is doing her best in quite difficult circumstances. We dont communicate with each other on a personal level , but just ,at present, via occasional text. She let me know by text thus morning, that she didnt feel her mum was in the right place and it was too depressing for my aunt as the other residents had severe dementia. Seems its a place for only dementia patients.
Thankyou Wyllow.

Oh, It doesn't sound a good place, Sweetpeasue - I'm sure there is better - yes, DD needs to get onto it - it is complicated... is it a hospital discharge decision not a local SSD one atm?
Does your DiL who works with dementia iirc have any ideas?

Quick look up

"Top Recommended Voluntary Phone Lines"

Age UK Advice Line (0800 678 1602): This is a free, national, and widely recommended helpline available 8am–7pm, 365 days a year. They offer advice on choosing care homes, paying for care, benefits entitlements (like Attendance Allowance), and financial assessments.

Independent Age (0800 319 6789): Provides free advice on care, money, and housing, with a dedicated helpline available Monday–Friday, 8.30am–5.30pm. They offer detailed advice on finding the right care home and funding options.

(back later)

Wyllow Oh its times like those, when your mum was in hospital, that one never forgets. Im so sorry, I too remember my mum wanting to go home but never did. It must have been so very hard for you during your own break down - with your sis away too.
Keep listening to your music , so healing for you.
Purplepixie Your situation is so sad, like * EllieAnne*s and it must be a very isolating and lonely life. As Doodle says , has it always been so ? Having a meal opposite each other at the table with so many things going round your head yet being unspoken. Im so sorry sending uou a warm hug.
Amazing jumper - Ive never attempted cable - it looks so hard you must have a lot of patience.
Doodle We've not been too bad today painwise thanks. Hope your church service goes well and is not too tiring.
Scardycat Hope youve been OK today.

Saw my aunt and left her with eyes brimming at a table in the dining room where dinner was about to be served. Her room is basic. Most of residents all much worse than her. Can't write how awful it all is - Im beyond sad. ( her DD is trying desperately to get her somewhere else)

Love to all. X

Wyllow I tend to read thrillers or mystery. Not emotional things or things with loads of dialogue. I’m reading The Ark Files at the moment.
I find sitting down when I’m feeling low just lets me concentrate in being miserable, the more I move and do things the better I feel. I hope you belted out some good numbers.
Purplepixie that’s an amazing jumper. I love cable. Beautiful colour. Your life sounds very sad and lonely. Has your relationship been like this long? Do you ever do anything social together.
Ellie Anne not much of a life for you either, you live pretty much separate lives in the same house.
HVDY hope the holiday going well.
Sweetpeasue hope you and DH have had a restful day today with no troubling pain or problems.
I won’t be back in tonight I’m on duty at church., not sure how long the service goes in for . Just hope I can stay awake.

I did manage to get a bit of sleep then I sewed together my finished jumper. I’ll get back later. Off to sort out my next project and stop my head from going places that it shouldn’t be going.

We all have these stories tucked away Purplepixie which have shaped us. (That was a very ordinary one, was it not? Of far greater pain and anguish for her avoided after a long life)

I was just about to say what EllieAnne did with her in mind when hello EA inn you pop. (wave) Yes, living with someone who ignores you can be far far worse than living alone.

I often feel acutely lonely, but then something nice or better happens
and I don't have to worry about someone else's reaction or be made to feel inadequate.

At this point on BD Purplepixie someone often says, oh do try anti'd's. But it's a very personal choice. but not being able to be cheered up by nice things at all - well it is a bit of a sign for that sort of help if it carries on? BTW, being able to cry is very painful, but some find it all choked up, better out than in (in reasonable amounts xxx)

I am determined to get out today as was in all yesterday, tho very productive with paperwork and yesterday evening could feel myself slipping into yuk put on U tube songs and started moving around a bit and in the end had a sort of "move and singalong" Belted out some angry numbers and some softer ones.

I just hope anyone passing the house only heard the TV.

Oh wow purple pixie ! That’s why we rarely eat together. There’s nothing to say and I get stressed and don’t enjoy anything I eat.

That sounded so tough Wyllow3. I cried reading it.
I’ve had a tough day. I stayed in bed this morning and a friend phoned this afternoon. I’m hoping to see her in June. She lives 200 miles away. I didn’t feel cheered up. I couldn’t stop crying once I finished talking to her because I felt so lonely. DH stayed in his garage until teatime. I could have been a stranger sat having tea. He hardly spoke. I’m Fedup with this situation. I’m tired and lonely.

I hope that your visit tomorrow goes as well as it might, Scaredycat. I hope your overdoing it day doesn't cost too much on the morrow...

Doodle - That is an enormous stop forward - well done on working on that concentration to read. What are you fining you most can concentrate on reading - I'd be interested to know.

That sounds like a fab time with the family, Sweetpeasue, but no wonder you are all done in.

I have been in my nightie all day: slept: yes the paper heap is now shrunk, and some plans made: my DS contacted me 5ish evening and he is coming to a conference next Tuesday so will stay at mine and we'll get a natter in when he comes here.

DS all to myself, It just never happens because really of DGD, L has always got to have someone with her so...

It means getting the futon out of the attic, as I have 2 bedrooms so bedroom 2 is sort of crafts/clothes storage as no room for that in my sunny back bedroom. (He'll drop off to sleep on anything).

It wasn't quite like that with my Mum. You see, we all expected her to recover when she was in the stroke unit
My Doc sis fully expected her to recover and went away on holiday for 2 weeks abroad and so on.

Also she didnt ask me, which is just as well as I was in one of my most depressive periods at the time tho I never, ever let on, but she was closer to my younger sis and bro anyway - but I drove over to see her alone twice a week or with then DH. then what happened was she suddenly had another stroke, was back in hospital not the unit.

I was the only one to visit at that time by coincidence; the last family member: the only one with any faith too (she didnt).

She had lost her speech and was tearing and clutching at the bedclothes angrily (or frustration - who can know?).

She managed to say to me "I want to go" No-one will ever know what she meant, but I just held her hand and said, I know, its OK.

She then died the next night and we all knew what her life would be like to her had she survived - horrendous. She'd been so very active and mentally all there.

Oh my I am so glad she never had known I'd tried to take my own life (70 paracetamol) a year before) and never known how bad I was.

So well I sort of feel - glad I did what I was able to? Not sad: glad she didn't have to live with the appalling situation she had fallen to.

Sweetpeasue I know, one minute they’re babies and the next grown up driving and getting jobs. Hope your DGS had a happy 11th birthday. Rest tonight. You’ve had a full on day.

Wyllow it’s been a long time but I am starting to be able to concentrate on a book again. Not able to read for hours like I used to but at least I can find a book interesting again and can read some in the evening. Big improvement for me. I have to be firm with myself and not allow myself to get irritable or distracted. I just try to immerse myself in the book. I get mine online from the Libby app so unless it grips me in the first couple of chapters I send it back and get another.
HVDY what a lovely place. Looks beautiful. Relax and enjoy.
Scaredycat good idea to visit your friend with other people. It helps to keep the chat going and get over awkward periods.
Sounds like you had a nice day yesterday. Yes church was good today but we had the heaviest of downpours during the service that drowned out everything. Nice afternoon with two of the neighbours.
Purplepixie I had a bad night last night too. Bit like you but mainly deafening tinnitus of high pitch. Took me ages to get off. Hope you sleep better tonight.

Wyllow Yes, sun,rain, sun ,rain here too.
Sorry yo hear of your mum having the stroke and needing the care when wanting to go home. Its awful to not be able to do anything to help ,that must have been very hard indeed.
HVDY Oooh those legs dont need any more sun. Great legs, though! Thanks for the photos, enjoy your time there.
Purplepixie The past often seems to start reeling itself during the night , I find. So annoying and why does it usually seem to be the things we'd rather forget? Hope you got more rest in.
DoodleEllieAnne Hope you're OK.
Scardycatlovely posts to us all as usual. Thankyou. You well un derstand the way Dementia/Alzheimers works - its true moods can change quickly. Must be easier visiting in a group- it gets difficult at times ,with some halts in conversation. We're visiting aunt tomorrow.

Just short post as feeli g shattered. Book group this afternoon ,left early to pick up DGS from school and on to son's where he opened presents. Then meal out and birthday cake brought in. Left them ,DGS and StepDGD playing on their skateboards.
Hope all have a peaceful night.x