Black Dogs 29

Wyllow the only fair solution I can see is that mr a does not attend your meeting. It must change the atmosphere for others too.
I m at s1 staying the night with gd. The others are away overnight at a competition.
The house is messy but I have no energy to fix it. Have been driving and ferrying gd around. And it’s quite hot.
So I just got a text from Dh. He can’t get the dishwasher to work. So he’s unplugged it. It’s fairly new but I have shown him how to use it at least 3 times!! Oh well I hope he’s washed them by hand and not left them till I get home tomorrow night

Today I went off to Quakers after a slightly but not overwhelming night, and the meeting itself was nice except marginally but not enough troubled by D the one who told me I was inventing, but we are sort of avoiding each other and that was OK. Nice new young Attender, chatted etc.

But after wards L came over could we have a chat. she made a preemptive strike by saying she thought MrA coming monthly was a good move.

I suspect she had discussed it with D and nice but quiet male R to get there.

As we discussed it I just got more clear than ever in my mind.

She said that MrA was borderline dangerous to women: she actually knew more than me about other women reporting him: he is incapable of change etc.

It was a "fudge it" solution - but I felt and said it it is punitive to me: why should I be effectively barred from my own meeting one in four:

MrA had lots of "Friends" he saw regularly, I don't, as due to MrA have not had the chance to make them.

I said for me the way for me to recover was not to have to take some of the responsibility for something I didn't do. To have a clear run.

She said "but oh some people" may turn against you on this.

I said "well, who"

"I cant say"

I pressed her and told her there is nothing worse than someone hinting to me
"some people" may "turn against" me but not giving me the chance to engage and inform them. I said I wasnt ashamed to do that.

(its actually very emotionally manipulative, isnt it?) I told her more about the effects it had had on me that she didn't know,

and said I would forward her all the information that the Safeguarding people had had. I also outlined all the things I had done to try and help MrA to "own things"

and what she didnt know - and had not asked - is that MrA got 5 hours counselling from Restorative Justice - pushed for by me, not any other Quaker who were wishing it would go away or blaming me at the time. that my conscience was at work regarding worrying about MrA night and sometimes day too

but enough was enough.

She did "hear" all I had to say but at the end there was me and D and R and I just left them saying that I felt I couldn't heal without space.

I walked out with P, a shy but long term attender and took the risk of telling her.

It turned out she had been in an appalling marriage with someone like MrA, ie "Mr do gooders" in the world: he could have been in prison these days, but it was then the 1980's and she didnt have any expectations from the police.

I said I hoped she had had some nice relationships after and she smiled and said yes

But it just shows, doesn't it? My supposition of no understanding or support?

After getting home I wrote to Safeguarding saying I had plucked up the courage to ask them what I did feel was best for me, and a little of what L had revealed:

then slept and woke feeling overwhelming guilt blah blah self beating up: L had written to me quite nicely saying yes leave it to Safeguarders and she too hoped MrA would do some counselling as I've tried to say all along:
I replied that I too wanted to leave it up to SGuarding as I'd had a bout of self reproof and simply could only say what I needed and they may come up with factors that demands another solution.

I'm sick to the back teeth of having to engage with some Q's and explain, explain, explain, and yet another day passes on it.
Especially a lovely early summer day.

The cats we had Scaredycat were not great shedders: fortunately, I don't recall the Forth Bridge experience.

I haven't been to any of the places you have, my greatest triumph in "far from home" was Crete 3 times and that was wonderful, and indeed part of the best bits with Ex2: he'd go anywhere happily, lots of bike rides and walks and venturing afield. I still have gratitude for that and some other matters.

On the bucket list for "if I ever can" is actually Capetown, but with someone very confident in travel: or more likely Kenya, as there are a lot of Quakers there once you get there. I guess I like the idea of places that have musical, social and historical interest as well as the faith one: cultures that are actually so really very, very different.

HVDY its hot enough to want to take it slowly - did you get to see your brother today? I expect you will be back on looking after LG soon, does she like playing water games in the garden to keep her occupied?

As ever, despite going on at length, am thinking with love for BD's, in this heat it must be hard nadateturbe: wondering how you are others who post regularly (I'm not good at naming names, as I dont want to leave anyone out, but always want to "know what is going on".

Hi!
HVDY- We love Dubrovnik - we are massive Game of Thrones fans and have watched it all 3 times. So walking the streets of Dubrovnik was great. But we,ve been there several times and never tire of its beauty- just too many people.Been to Rovinj and Korcula too.
Glad you said that about Jaffa as our boys are sleeping loads since it’s got hot, I can panic quite easily if I think they may not be right!!Theyre not too bothered about eating either.
Yes DH always gets a tan - I just burn😩
I looked at Vinted and they certainly have some nice stuff. I think GD3 sells some of her stuff on there.
Have a good evening all

ScaredyCat We've been to Dubrovnik - nice but full of tourists from cruise ships and fans of Game of Thrones (some of it was filmed there). We went to Porec 3 times, and loved it. Also, Cavtat, Rovinj, and Korcula. Most of my dresses were Vinted buys. I'm going to sort through them and get rid of some. Jaffa is sleeping more than usual and isn't bothered about his cat food. He's still enjoying cooked chicken, though. He hardly moults at all, as he's got short, dense fur. I moult the most! Glad you and your husband are having a relaxing day. Does your husband get a tan? My DH mowed the lawn this morning, and I did some shopping.

EllieAnne Have you got better weather today?
PurplePixie and Nadateurbe How are you?

Hope everyone has been ok today. x

Hi all
Wyllow- how nice for you to be able to chat with your Ex about family things. It keeps the family together in a quiet comfortable way.
Mr A should have thought of the consequences of going round trying to be Mr Personality- he,s old enough to know better. No guilty thoughts you,ve done the right thing.
Yes it was lovely getting home to the cool- there was no shade at the jousting and it was so hot. It’s a spectacle and we love horses.
You are Queen of the charity shops- ha ha all the hats had gone with all this sun😩 I wore an old battered straw hat yesterday - one of the advantages of being older - you are invisible!!
Enjoy your DVDs - we are very happy this week as we now have paramount + in with our Sky so can at last watch the end of Yellowstone.
Doodle- I don’t think the jousting can be rehearsed as horses are unpredicatable creatures - even the well trained,ones. One was being a right pain. I would imagine injuries do happen sometimes.
It must be lovely on your balconies in the shade - especially when you can see the river too.
Hope you enjoyed your Church morning - churches often feel lovely and cool inside.
SweetPeaSue- yesterday was perfect for a BBQ - sounds like a proper one too with smoke!! Yes it’s the one time that men volunteer to cook😀
What a sweet thing for your Aunt to say. That seems to indicate that it is a nicer and more comfortable place than the last. I do hope she settles well.You must be looking forward to visiting tomorrow. Can you walk there as you said it is in your village?
HVDY- Zadar is the only place on your list we have been to But only as a day stop on a cruise. We liked it very much though.
It’s interesting to read what you say about talking to Alzheimer’s/dementia patients. We have discovered that it’s best to take the lead from them and not to correct or disagree. But gently chat and keep it light . You must have been such a lovely carer and still are for your family.
43 dresses!! You could open a shop!!
Today is quiet here too. We,ve done some housework this morning so now feet up and DH is in the sun - he loves it. Hoovering Cat Hair is like painting the Forth Bridge
Hope your brother is seeing after himself in this heat .
Our boys don’t seem so hungry as it’s so warm - what about Jaffa? Or is that a silly question😸
EllieAnne- hope the warmth has filtered its way up to you a bit. Also that your weekend has been bearable.
PurplePixie- how is your weekend going?
Nadateturbe- how are you today?

Love to all and remembering those we miss and haven’t seen for a while.

SweetpeaSue You probably already know this, but when someone with dementia says something they think to be true - living in a hotel/parents still alive/someone stealing their things, etc., it's always best to distract them, if possible, and never correct them. I had a lovely uncle who developed Alzheimer's, and he used to ask how my mum was - she'd been dead for some years, but I used to say "Ok, thanks". I regularly went to an old lady with Alzheimer's who used to ask if her sisters would be visiting, and I always said "perhaps later", as her sisters were all dead and to tell her that would have upset her terribly, as she'd forgotten, of course. I'm keeping a chart detailing fluids in/wees out. Yesterday, in 24 hours, I'd had 19 wees. That's actually an improvement! I've only taken the tablet for 2 days.

Wyllow3 Going to the gym in the heat wasn't a bad idea - I expect it's got air-conditioning? You got some good buys at the charity shop, then. I've stopped buying clothes for a while - 43 dresses is quite enough!

Not much happening today - I fed Son2's cats at 7.30, will go back a couple more times, later. Might visit my brother. Hope everyone manages to stay cool x

It does help with understanding our family to share things with Ex1, he knows more on the "inside track" as he is there more.

Last night all went to pot - extra drugs and alcohol (but not harmful amounts if rare - the wanting MrA to be banned and feeling it the right thing versus
1. Guilt, strong sense go conscience and effect on MrA who is not young at all = mind you he still goes round and chats up women quite happily and has many quaker friends (who don't know but might)
2. Fear of Opprobrium from 2/3 significant Quakers which could continue to make things tough.

Been struggling with

Should I come clean to Safeguarding and tell them what I have just written here

The advantage of a good BBQ is that it keeps the midges away.

Its seems like a useful kind of day there, HVDY. Needs must at times.

Sweetpeasue - thank goodness she thinks it's a hotel rather than what she has been experiencing. I hope you find her a little better on Monday.

I have never seen jousting, Scaredycat. I'm guessing you were glad to settle in the cool bits of home.

I hope the hospice helped a little, Doodle.

After last night it was a late start but nice to see the sun. I actually ended up going to the gym in the heat of the day and it was a spot on decision, as it was cool and aircon, the exercise did me good and it was a very good session indeed people wise.

On the way home I had a good charity shop brand new dress and blouse haul, I'd only gone in for a prettier sunhat (all gone)

I had ordered a set of 10 used Montalbano series discs. 50/60 episodes, currently spot on to watch. Eye candy plus "good" and transgressive heroic detective? amusing characters? Cant quite forgive him for the last one and Livia. (if you are familiar with the SL)

HVDY You're so right - why is it men love barbecues - its weird.
Thanks about my aunt. Her DD texted me and said she thought it was a hotel and wondered where you had to pay.
Hope tomorrow is better for you.
Im not feeling so good tonight- off to bed now.Hope Jaffa doesnt wake you so early.

ScaredyCat The jousting sounds good fun. It's been an uneventful day here, but too hot for my liking (17 degrees). I worked for one large care company for 6 years, where I stayed with "patients" for anything from 2 hours to 2 days. I loved it.

Doodle We only renewed our passports this year (expensive now), so we'll go abroad again, perhaps next May. I like the look of Menorca, or Zadar, Rabac or Hvar, all in Croatia. Glad you had a nice day. Being under a parasol is the best idea in this heat.

SweetpeaSue I know what you mean about barbeques. I don't care for them, but the men in the family all love them. Hope your aunt settles down ok.

It's been a boring day - DH's friend (a gas fitter/plumber) came and service the boiler and put a new part on it, so that took 3 hours. Son1 didn't have his girls until 6.30 (mother being difficult), so we didn't see him or them. Hope everyone has a good rest tonight x

HVDY Hope youve had a decent day and you saw your son. Ive never been abroad to a warm country so I wouldn't know the difference in humidity but both my sons tell me the same thing, that its different.
Wyllow Glad you had a nice day with your ex. You are still doing well ,going to the gym and walking ,even though its not as far as you're used to.
Scaredycat Ive never seen real life jousting entertainment. You must watch through your fingers at times. Hope you didnt catch too much sun.
Aunt is now in her new home so hoping she'll settle better there. We'll probably visit Monday.

EllieAnne Hope its your turn soon for the sun. Its quite chilly here in the north-east England right now though.
Doodle Glad youve been able to sit out with your friend. Can you see the river and birds from her balcony too?
Yes we did go to their lodge and son did a barbecue there. ( v smokey , haha) It was so hot. Got back at tea time and put our clothes in the wash.

Scaredycat I’ve often wondered with the jousting whether it is all well rehearsed or whether anyone ever get injured. It looks so dangerous to me.

Wyllow you’re right. Bright sunny days bring their own problems.
I think if Mr A can go to another Quaker meeting then that’s where he should go and leave you in peace. Yes church is good. It helps being involved and provides a great deal of company.
Ellie Anne it’s good these safeguarding matters are taken seriously. We have good backup of people to report any issues to who would take things further.
HVDY have you any plans to go abroad or are you happier staying in this country?
Sweetpeasue Scaredycat hope you’ve both enjoyed the sun today but not got too hot, I’ve been to the hospice then sat in my friends balcony in the shade,

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- it must have been so upsetting to see your Aunt crying. No wonder she felt disturbed - the room must have been unbearably hot. The new home might be just what she needs. close to you and possibly lighter and brighter if it’s a new build. Yes the carers really are special people and lucky were the people who got HVDY to see after them.
Hope you’re having a nice day with your family - so lovely to feel wanted isn’t it.
HVDY- the wet flannel idea sounds like a good one but I,m not sure I could do it as they really are fluffy!! I do brush them a couple of times a week and when the lady who trims their claws comes she trims round their bottoms and gives them a good brush.
Oh that is a lot of toilet visits- good though that it doesn’t cause you any pain. Not a pleasant examination to go through but hopefully with a 2 week window it,ll get sorted soon.
You’re right dwelling on the past is no good- we can’t change it but hopefully learn from it. Easier said than done sometimes.
Enjoy the grand cats.
EllieAnne. You could have some of our heat - we have our big fan on at the moment😀
Your church sounds very supportive - I,m glad you have that to rely on.
Wyllow- so glad your day out with your Ex DH turned out so well. I,m so pleased for you that the relationship you have with your Ex is so mutually beneficial. You should be so proud of your friendship with each other.
Of course you’re grumpy about MrA - who wouldn’t be. But he will get his come uppance and be found out as the fraud he is. You are wise - live in the present. The best is yet to come- not the same of course but hopefully contentment. You have a true friend in your Ex and how lovely for your family.
Doodle- moving into your flat when you did was such a sensible choice. It enabled you to have a comfortable and hassle free life there together. So many people leave moving until it becomes too late. You were able to enjoy living there .
What a wonderful example of Christianity your church is. People there feel safe,cared for and there is help when it’s needed. So pleased you have it at the centre of your life.

Well I hope you’ve all been able to enjoy the sunshine in whatever way suits you. It was really hot here today. We went to “our” Castle and watched the jousting. We go every year but today was a hottie!!
Take care all xxxx

Wyllow It's great that you and your ex are on such good terms. It must make it easier regarding family, too.

Wyllow we use the same safeguarding service and I hadtoget one of those checks done to volunteer.
People especially very young and elderly are very well protected but as far as I know there has never been a major problem.

Yes Doodle there is for MrA (which he doesn't want)

and yes desire to sweep under carpet.

I often feel that in very low times like you face as of now, a sunny day brings bitter sweet memories of course, of sunny days spent doing such and such with that special person. I hope the sun, at the hospice, helps give some Grace to reflection x

Walks, holidays and so on.

HVDY so glad you’re getting checked out. I’m not as bad as you but I have an overactive bladder too. Go to the loo at least twice after going to bed and several times during the day too. Yes these exams are never pleasant but good you got to see the GP. Hope you get to see your sons this weekend
Sweetpeasue how lovely your son and family have asked you to join them for the day. That will be lovely. I’ll you be going to their lodge? DH and I had lots of holiday breaks in lodges. Always found it fun.
Scaredycat glad your SIls dad is home. Good they have help at those but sounds as though more is needed. Very difficult to work out what is for the best when people reach a certain age. Our elder son says several of his friends are now in the position of having elderly parents living in houses that are too big for them to cope with or that need repairs. I’m glad we moved into our flat then we did at least the exterior and grounds are looked after for me.
Ellie Anne our church is very hot on safeguarding. Many of us have had to undergo training and get certificates just to be able to do teas or run the afternoon tea club. I think things would be handled properly here. We have a very good lady in charge. We have a contractors group. Every parishioner (who wants to) is allocated a contractor, this person will phone and check up on them if they are missing church or are ill just to see how they are. It’s a lovely church so caring.
Wyllow so pleased you spent a pleasant day with your first Ex. Must be nice to be able to chat freely. I do wonder if some of the Quaker elders (is that the term) are trying to sweep things under the carpet as they don’t want such behaviour as Mr As to be deemed possible in a Quaker setting. I’m glad you stuck to your guns. Is there another Quaker group locally that Mr A could go to?
I went for a nice walk this morning and Waitrose shop this afternoon . Lovely sunny day but I feel very low. Going to the hospice tomorrow so that should be good

I love how your family all interweaves, HVDY. I'm glad to hear of better sleeps in the winter, but you probably are naturally tuned with the seasons and the light in some way (as well as pal Jaffa). You've certainly had more than your fair share of physical problems in the past.

Well, actually first Ex and I do go over the past, but most productively and helpfully for us both. Almost like joint therapy as well as airing our love for music and agreed on politics a great deal - important and always has been.

These days, he is very emotionally articulate and both of us have the language and terms to express that "looking back" in a benign way.

He is with someone else and has been since 2009 so boundaries are kept, no trying to step back into the river that gave us 25 good years together.

But there is a time to do it, and a time most definitely not to: a time to go over certain matters, and not others:

And each discovery currently enhances the "now", as things stand.

SweetpeaSue I hope you have a lovely day with your son and his family. I don't like this kind of heat (it's different abroad, isn't it? They don't get the humidity we get here).

Wyllow3 I'm not concerned, just glad I'm going to be seen quite soon. I thought my days of having those kinds of examinations and tests were over with (I was under the Gynaecology dept. for years in my 50s due to a late menopause/terrible periods. I was almost 60 when my periods stopped altogether). I usually go to bed between 10.30 and 11pm, and sleep later in winter (7-8am). Jaffa thinks it's time to get up as soon as it's light! What a good relationship you've got with your 1st ex. Glad you got out for a walk and coffee. Yes, we all must try to live in the present - going over things from the past doesn't do any good. Quick visit from Son1, but we chatted about various holidays (he's fairly well-travelled and has been to several countries). Probably see Son1 and girls tomorrow.

That is very very perceptive, Ellie Anne. thank you.
At the heart of it is feeling strong enough to believe in yourself,

As you have identified, a faith situation is fraught with more emotions, than, say one at work is.

What then really matters is how strong your church's own Safeguarding policy is, because it will have a similar one to Quakers, as they are all advised and set up by the organisation 31:8 (as long as it's mainstream Christianity). And then of course heightened dynamics depending on who it happens to.

but....it hits BD's hard as...

Getting guilty so easily and wanting not to upset Quakers I knew or them think badly of me stopped me shouting very loudly, very early, as was appropriate

I could’ve demanded copies of Safeguarding policy from HQ and asked them to follow it: I should have done a great deal else which would have prevented the current situation :

but it remans the case this is the first time that something that is as big of us for me personally, I have actually not run away from it, stood my ground and so on.

(My whole past has been running away from conflict because I could not stand up for myself and that running away has done me great harm in the past..including leaving a well paid professional career because of bullying and "knife in the back" situations, and more like that)
so no I wont back down but its not over yet but look what I did do and everyone here has helped my journey a very great deal.

Jumbo fish fingers are really nice, Scaredycat especially if they are battered for a treat. Good comfort food.

Above all, it’s as good news as it can possibly be with SiL Dad, given his age. Thank goodness it had a relatively benign solution but pinpointed the need for greater care - and that that care can be sorted. And the young friend to “keep an eye”.

I hope you feel we bit “lighter’ but you are waiting for news too.

Your furry friends live in luxury. We all knew they would be loved and spoiled ☺️. Its a good solution, you aren’t worried about what they might get up to roaming at night but you get your sleep.

Yes, it’s definitely important to get it checked out, HVDY. It’s hard to cope with waiting on a two week appointment system as one knows “worst options”. Its happening a lot as we get older the occurrence of 2 week appointments amongst the people we know.. yet the odds are always small. But you will want to know “whats up” asap.

A 6am wake up is late for you atm, remind me if in the winter you sleep longer as it isn’t light? What time do you generally go to bed? I hope you’ve had a lovely time with Son2.

Poor Aunt, Sweetpeasue. I think you said just the right things. I’m so relieved a place has been found in a nicer home. And of course, eventually settles.
“a jumbo fish finger sandwich” no…a step too far.

How will DH find the hot weather? I suppose there hasn’t really been a chance to find out, but that is one lovely invite for you both.

Today’s big thing for me was the sun re-appearing, and hoping I could cope with the planned walk, and not get so tired I couldn’t enjoy my first Ex’s company.

I didn’t get a lot of sleep, but my cheerful cleaner arriving set me up and I picked first Ex at the station at 10am and out to my much loved favourite place, room in the car park and the mobile treats coffee van setting up.

It was a glorious walk and as has been the case for maybe a year now, we are very at ease together and yet again revisit and heal the past. He has got a partner, btw. It got my head out of current issues (as does the sun). I gained confidence from managing the walk.
(tho still grumpy as in just how much stuff with MrA has taken away in terms of confidence and energy. (Last October - 18km cycles, walk 3 hours et al.)

But we have to live in the present, dont we?

I’m envying you all your heatwave. It’s quite cool her and a few spots of rain.
I’ve been thinking about your situation Wyllow and wondering what would happen in my church if a situation like that happened.
First I thought that whoever offended would not be allowed back but then I thought what if it was someone highly thought of or in a leadership position. In that scenario I don’t think I would be believed.
So I think you have been very brave in standing up for your rights and I don’t think you should be expected to share your safe space with your attacker.

HVDY 2 week referrals are a good thing for any conditions that may not be normal. Quite few end up being of concern - but even so its always a bit of a worry. Glad its being dealt with quickly.
I can imagine it was such a difficult job at times with severe dementia cases. Yes, patience and calm reassurance must go a long way. I hope also my aunt doesnt enter 'that' stage.
My son and DIL and DGS and step DGD are also going away for long weekend in lodge quite close to here. They e asked us to joing them for the day tomorrow which was nice. Hope you have a nice weekend and it wont be too hot.x

ScaredyCat Glad your SIL's dad is home, and I hope the help he and his wife get will be useful. Your boy looks so comfortable - do you have to brush them both? I used to wet a flannel and wipe it over our cats in the summer. Jaffa's not so keen on having that done.

SweetpeaSue I've had many years of weeing such a lot, so I've been used to it. On a good day, it's about 18 times (8 in 24 hours is normal). I never get pain, burning or stinging, just sometimes a terrible urgency to go. Being examined wasn't as embarrassing as I'd expected, but still not nice. I'm glad to be getting an urgent referral for the cervix thing (again, had no symptoms). The GP thinks it's due to a hormonal imbalance. We'll see. Your poor aunt must be very confused - being moved around so much won't have helped. I used to love going to people with dementia. My boss used to say my quiet voice and calm demeanour were what was needed. Over the years, I was punched, kicked, spat at, etc. They couldn't help it. I hope your aunt doesn't develop that stage.

Son2 is calling in after work, so it'll be nice to chat with him. He and DIL are going away tomorrow, or a long weekend without the children (they'll be with the other grandparents), so I'll be seeing to the 2 grandcats .

Scaredycat Thanks for that photo- your boy is basking in the warmth and loving it! Glad your SILs dad is back home with a care plan and hes OK. So many meds to take at that age , I imagine, and difficult to keep track of whats causing what.
There was a poster at Tescos this morning of a jumbo fish finger sandwich- looked so enticing.
Doodle Sending you lots of love and hugs right now. Im glad you have friends who really understand how it is - nothing others can say when we've not gone through such an enormous loss. I hope today has been better for you . Dont ever worry about saying how it is here - we all care and want to support you in whatever way is possible.
Wyllow Hope youve been OK today and have managed to get the water leak sorted.It was lucky you saw that poor lady at the gym and managed to talk. Im sure you both understood each other about how violated you both feel ,even though situations were a bit different.
HVDY Oh you poor thing- you must be worn out with the overactive bladder- thats a lot of times to go. Hope its not painful. Best to have that gynaecology problem checked out - theyre very thorough now arent they. Dont envy you the examination you had though( aargh indeed!)
Upsetting visit to aunt today. She was crying when arrived and inconsolable. Asking(telling) everyone she wanted to go home. She was so hot, heating on in her tiny room ,so I wet a cloth and put it round her neck. Shed settled by time we left ,after Id reassured her she was going to the new care home in our village- I said temporarily- but next step nearer her home. We both feel so sad. I dont know how you coped with your caring job . It must take very special people ,like yourself. I mean that.
EllieAnnePurplepixie**Nadateturbe**Candy Hoping you're all OK and sending love.x