Black Dogs 29

Hi all
Wyllow - What a dreadful experience for you especially as it must have taken an effort to rally and get out.
What wicked people to do that to you - glad you had kindness from strangers too. It must have been very scary but also must have made you really angry.So glad you got your purse and contents back - don’t let it ruin your confidence at being out as there are far more nice people around than the greedy scum who think they can take whatever they want but never ever give.
Quakers was and still is a big part of your life. Mr A has sullied that for you but time and support from your fellow Quakers will gradually heal the hurt- Safe guarding need to make a definitive decision without pussyfooting round MrA.
HVDY- we raided M and S freezers this morning - ice lollies and choc ices and peppermint ones on sticks. Time we grew up eh!!
So glad your tablets are helping you.
Your brother must have some lovely holiday memories but his leg must hamper him quite a bit now to go on his own.What a terrible thing to happen to him.
I,m glad he has Norwich to visit- it’s my home town . Such a beautiful city and slower ,kinder pace of life.
Wow that’s a lot to lose in that short time- well done.
Tomorrow will be lovely with all the girls - LG will be very happy.
SweetPeaSue- It’s a huge learning curve with our loved ones who are suffering with Alzheimer’s. I,m sure that your Aunt will be happy to know you are close by - even though she,ll forget 5 minutes later!! We, e learnt not to make a big deal when it’s time to leave - just a quick hug and a see you later but not goodbye!!
Ah life can indeed be so difficult - but there is always something to be grateful for even in the darkest hour. Remember- one day at a time.
Hope the Rheumatologist will be kind and understanding tomorrow and also answer all your questions.
Doodle- I don’t for one minute believe you are lazy.
It’s not easy trying to motivate yourself to exercise if it’s something you don’t enjoy much. I guess the thing is to do something you enjoy- or as Wyllow suggested the chair yoga with your friend- it,ll make you laugh if nothing else.
Yesterday my DD and GD3 and her boyfriend came over for coffee and cake while DH and SiL went to Golf. It was boiling hot.Yuki fell in love with GD boyfriend and they played together for over an hour!!! It was so sweet. After they’d gone sat on my B…. For the rest of the
EllieAnne- Next time you go away and leave DH behind just leave rolls ,cheese,ham etc and let him make his own food. He could always get really creative and open a bag of crisps!! Also now he knows how the dishwasher works make it his job to load and unload. You don’t have to do everything - unless he is poorly.
There is so little feeling on DH part towards you or what you are doing no wonder you feel uncared for. In reality it is him who has made you feel like that. Your DC and GC love you and your friends will love you for your kindness and we all care a great deal for you too.

Love to all -xx

SweetpeaSue that should have read "hope his pains soon go"

Wyllow3 My brother had to have his leg amputated above the knee, when he was 36 (long story but a car ran into him). He's had the artificial one longer than he had his own leg but still gets Phantom Limb pains occasionally.

SweetpeaSue It's too hot for mooching about. Hope your husband's go soon go. If it is Polymyalgia, I expect he'll be given steroids?

Been up since 6.30, and feel so lethargic that I've been dozing off. Must liven myself up. x

Wyllow What a horrible thing to have happened to you on what should have been a pleasant walk to help you take your mind off the fall out from Mr As assault. Its despicable how these thieves can plan a theft like that. Im so sorry - youve enough to deal with. Glad you got your purse back but it must feel really horrible .
Such kind words to EllieAnne
EllieAnne I just dont know what to say but, like others, perhaps leave your husband to do more for himself. Its such a sad situation. I just cant imagine how uncomfortable it is to live like that. Surely your husband must be aware of the day to day atmosphere- Im so sorry.
HVDYThank goodness that medication has helped the bladder situation. Its so tiring having to keep getting up for wees in the night too.
Yes, aunt has many longterm memories and things she's told me from years back that can open up conversations.
Well done on losing some of the weight gain.

DS wanted us to accompany them to a garden nursery today but wont be going as DH not well - both hips, shoulders and finding it painful to open ip both hands. Not sure if Polymyalgia come back. Will see tomorrow.
Hope everyone has a reasonable day. X

My second paragraph is about you EllieAnne not me!

No, not a poor me post, it was a how you feel post x
And a very wise one too. MrA's absence, and time, may do what confrontations may not and others forcing one. but the whole situation is just re-inforcing my loneliness as it was a major tho of course by no means all part of my life, but the faith part till there is some way for moving forward.

It seems to me that he is able to cope with separateness but still living in the same house, but you cannot (nor should you) as you hunger for affection more than him and the lack of is made stronger by the situation.

Ah, I didn't realise but your brother's leg, HVDY. Hey, well done on the weight front.

Oh Wyllow that was horrible for you. I’m so glad you got your purse back. It’s awful having to be suspicious all the time.
As for mr a I think it is possible to forgive someone even if they are not admitting to doing something wrong ( I’ve had to do that) but it doesn’t mean letting them back in your life to hurt you again or putting yourself in a situation where you feel uncomfortable or traumatised.
Sorry about my poor me post. Dh can cook but we don’t often eat together. It stresses me too much.

EllieAnne Does your husband ever cook for you? As for him not asking if you were ok - he probably naturally assumed you were tired. Do you ask about him (with his hand, etc)? It doesn't sound as though either of you cares for the other much, which is a sad situation. Isn't there any way in which you could live alone?

SweetpeaSue It is so hard to accept that a loved one has changed/deteriorated. Yes, your aunt will enjoy the singing but then forget about it. Her long-term memory is probably still ok, though, so if you ask her about her childhood, teenage years, where she went to school and work, you'll possibly get a nice conversation going with her. Best of luck for your husband getting some answers tomorrow.

Wyllow3 What a horrible thing to have happened to you, on what should have been a pleasant time at the park. Those type of "gangs" are so sneaky and quick at stealing things like that. I'm glad people helped you and that you got your purse back, but you must have felt really shaken up by such an upsetting incident. It's a sad sign of the times that we cannot always trust strangers when out and about. My brother had some lovely holidays with his wife (UK and abroad), but I doubt he'll go anywhere now - he's not at all sociable, and his mobility isn't good - prosthetic leg. He'll visit his son in Norwich, so that'll be a break for him.

It's going to be another hot (too hot) day, so I'm staying in. Lost 4lbs of the 7lbs I'd put on. Swapped LG day to tomorrow, so we'll have all 3 granddaughters for the day - the 2 big ones will entertain LG. My bladder is much better (not "normal" yet, but it's certainly making life easier. Hope everyone has a decent day x

EllieAnne I genuinely, genuinely care about you. We have got to now each other on here, and you are loveable but struggling. And don’t cook his dinner! Ask him to cook now and then for you both?

😡 😳

I found out why Quaker L had come forward to discuss with me yesterday about the one day a month business.

It’s actually quite shocking to me. It took some getting out of her email wise as she basically agrees with me and details were said but….

I will quote that bit of her email. I must make clear that she personally doesn’t agree with what follows, but had been basically trying to engineer a compromise so I didn’t find this out.

She wrote

“I have, however, shared my view (ie agreeing with me) with “those Friends” who
- knowing the bare bones of the matter - have challenged me about what they see as a lack of generosity towards him by you and a possible failure to live up to Quaker ideals of forgiveness and restorative justice

Ie, I am being “unquakerly” and she did not say who. MrA has been manipulating people . And of course she wont tell me who they are so I can’t talk to them personally!

Doodle Those in out little meeting in charge do not have a great deal of official status and I believe are not in agreement with each other either.
I sent all the correspondence on to Safeguarding. They are in charge on this but its all very complicated because of the ack of formal structure.

had alcohol and tablets (enough to knock myself out not self harm again but its a symptom of how its got to me. Another day gone.

What needed is Safeguarding to make a decision and explain it properly to all concerned.

I got dressed and thought, I’m going to walk in the lovely park!

It was hot and busy with children and very happy.

I pushed the boat out and decided to get an ice cream. As I walked away from the van I found myself along side 3 teenage girls and one woman and they sort of stuck around me.

Eventually one of them - the woman - asked me the way to the boating lake. I explained in some detail concentrating hard and they had just moved away when a man and woman rushed up to me

Are you alone? “Did they take something from your handbag! Have you got your purse?

I looked down and my purse was missing. The man rushed and rung 999 and I turned and saw them running away but not far.

After a moment of utter confusion, I was shouting shouting so loudly as we got near “we’ve called the policer! ~You’ve taken my purse!!! they dropped the purse near a load of people and the helping man picked it up and the women stood by me,

Meanwhile I had whipped out my mobile and took whatever photos I could shouting we have called the police
It was a family incident - a man was managing it, his wife the ringleader, and others involved, pretending to be “innocents”

We should have followed them quickly so I could get a photo of the number plate but I wasn’t thinking quickly enough what to do it was such a shock and relieved I had my purse and the own reminded me to check it..

The police came and they have the photos but they are only of use if the photos match ones on record. I was offered a lift but decided to walk it off, angrily, but so grateful to the couple, whose English was limited but they were so lovely and caring.

Just settling down from it now haven’t quite processed it. I’ll probably have a glass of wine before bed.

Doodle well hot days like today are not the ones to start exercising. But I’m the same about doing exercise at home - you know I head off to the gym your best bet is a chair yoga class…or even do a deal with one of your friends you’ll watch a U tube together and try out some chair yoga on it for a laugh.

I cant imagine your brother going away alone HVDY. Did he used to travel? Can you start trying to persuade him to go on organised day trips with others? Like coach outings to interesting places.

Now that is good wee news. Just over half?

I remember when you used to go and see your aunt Sweetpeasue and how much she enjoyed you going, and you taking her out. It seems no time at all. And being blessed to talk to her about your mum and all too, I hadn’t thought of that but so poignant. I’ve never had to cope with anything like that. xx

Well this weather is no good for losing weight and the pressures are so great….

I am very glad in the circumstances that DH is being seen on Wednesday, thank goodness not long to wait now.

Thanks HVDY Yes ,the workers seem very kind and caring. My cousin said her mum would probably be fine after we'd left. She'd forget.
What a mess it all is.
There's going to be a choir singing tomorrow and my cousin will be there with her mum tomorrow.
Aunt wont remember it all - but she'll probably enjoy the moment.
I just feel so very depressed about how life can be- its not long since I wanted out myself. DH has had pains everywhere today so he needs to be sorted too. Rheumatologist Wednesday so we'll tell him everything about recent pains.
Thanks for your kind words.

Dh can cook but I usually leave something that only needs heated up. I was just so tired when I got back and could have done without it.
Having a glass of wine. Probably not good for my headache. I should have been to bible study group but too tired.
I’m going to watch coronation street then go to bed. I know exactly what he will say. ,
“Oh ok”
Not are you feeling ok or anything like that. Sorry, I just feel nobody cares about me.

SweetpeaSue It's so very upsetting when a loved one with dementia behaves like that. I can only say that your aunt probably settled down later and forgot how distressed she'd been. The home sounds nice, and I expect the workers are caring and kind. My SIL used to ask my brother not to leave, and he used to say he was going shopping but would be back later. She soon forgot about being left at the home. If your aunt senses that you're upset, she'll be more distressed. As difficult as it will be, try not to let her see that you feel upset. Dementia is really terrible.

Doodle It's been so hot today, ice cream is needed. I've just had a Cornetto. My brother is very lonely. I've been trying to persuade him to have a holiday. He can afford to go away, but won't, though.

PurplePixie How have you been today? Did you have a sleep?

These tablets for my overactive bladder are helping - yesterday I had 14 wees, today it's 9 so far (most days I'd wee 8 - 14 times just in the morning).

Scardycat It must be so awful to see your friend with Alzheimers- you are so kind to both of them .
Yrs, my aunt's 'home' is within walking distance.
Doodle Im afraid Im the same. I want to lose weight so much but dont seem to be able to get myself in the right frame of mind. I dont discipline myself enough. I hope youve felt better seeing your friends today.
HVDY Wish you lived closer, your experience with dementia patients is very interesting. Im learning as I go along but thankyou for the tips. It doesnt seem long since we were taking aunt shopping and she loved talking about my mum( hersis) . Ive learned not to be first to bring her up over last weeks as her face started clouding over. She seems more in her own world.

So sorry * Wyllow* that you are having to go through all this- it seems never ending for you.
Purplepixie Hoping you feel better after a rest. And that the bank Holiday is at an end.

Wyllow does the safeguarding team have ultimate control of what happens or are they just in an advisory capacity? If a decision is made that you don’t like is there someone you can appeal to?
To be honest my biggest problem is my laziness. I could exercise more but I don’t. If I bought any equipment I wouldn’t use it. I am happy spending all day sitting. I need to move I know it,
Scaredycat I have both blinds and curtains. I love our sunny flat but when it’s really sunny it gets so hot. Hope you have managed to cope with the heat today.
Purplepixie I’m sorry you’ve had a bad weekend. Hope things improve for you,
Oh dear Ellie Anne he’s not very good at household matters. At least he tried. Must be annoying though.
Thanks HVDY don’t know what to do to shift this weight says she who’s just eaten a whole bar of chocolate. I know your brother is his own worst enemy but I do feel sorry for him. It’s such a lonely life without your loved one.
I’ve been with friends this afternoon eating ice cream and sitting in the shade, So hot now, I’ve got the fans on.

Oh EllieAnne No wonder you're fed up! As Scaredycat says - you're not a slave for others - do cut yourself some slack.

Sorry I just cant address all. Im just so emotionally exhausted.
Visit to aunt today seemed to be going 'fairly' well. We sat in the garden in the shade for a while - it was only a few yds to French doors from where she was sat in lounge. Her bedroom is 3 times the size of mine! There's a bar in lounge and we were given scones and a drink.
Getting up to go I was horrified to find her so distressed, crying and she said ' You're not going to leave me here on my own are you?' I couldn't comfort her as she hadn't realised she'd slept there ( 2nights) and seemed to think her family wouldnt know where she was. It took a lot of reassurance - Shed only spoken on the phone to her DD while we were in the garden. Had to get a staff member and tried so hard to keep tears back myself. She didnt know where she was and thought family wouldnt- it was awful. I told her her DD would be coming later.
When I got outside I couldn't stop crying. My mum( her sis) would be devastated. She looked after old people all her life.
How can life be this cruel. My mum died in hospice and begged me to take her home but she couldn't as she was in v last stages of Pancreatic cancer. She tried to 'escape' and was in car park in snow for 2hrs .( long story, drugs ect)
It all comes back now though I have reg nightmares anyway.
Sorry to go on. Just so upset.x

Wyllow3 What a thoroughly unpleasant man MrA is. I hope the Safeguarding people soon sort something out. We'll be looking after LG on Friday, and will probably get the paddling pool out for her. Son1's girls will be with us on Wednesday, so we'll go out somewhere and take a picnic.

Doodle I really need to get back on the diet (I was having 2 or 3 shakes a day, instead of meals). DH and I gained 7lbs on holiday - All Inclusive, which we made the most of, including gateus, cocktails, wine, spirits. No, I don't exercise (Aqua Aerobics occasionally isn't enough).

ScaredyCat We went to Crete 20-odd years ago, in October, and they were having a heatwave - it was 36 degrees! We hired a car (air conditioning). Hope you've had a good day.

EllieAnne You're so good to your family and help out a lot. Can't your husband cook much? About the dishwasher - perhaps now you've explained how it works, he might use it? He surely could have looked in the manual.

Went to see my brother. He had some procedure done to his eyes recently (when I was on holiday) for his Glaucoma, but doesn't think it's helped yet. We chatted a lot for 3 hours. It would have been his wife's birthday in 2 days. He obviously misses her (she only died just less than 3 months ago). Fed the cats at Son2's house, left fresh milk and bread there. They'll be home by 8pm. Hope everyone has managed to keep cool x

Continuing the dishwasher saga. Got home before 5. Was putting my weekly shop away. Did it over at ds. Gd ‘helped’which meant she kept spotting things she liked. Oh well why not.
Anyway I had left him mince to cook for dinner if I wasn’t back so he wanted to know how to cook it. So guess what I’m cooking it because it’s easier.
Anyway the dishwasher was full of dirty dishes and a bit smelly so I switched it on and discovered he’d pressed the delay button and when it didn’t start immediately he decided it was broken and unplugged it it’s working fine now.😡

Hi all
EllieAnne- I expect you are on your way home now. Hope you were able to get some sleep and had fun with your GD.
It’s not up to you to clean their house - especially after a long drive in the heat.
As far as the dishwasher goes- DH better had have washed up - it’s only him. EllieAnne you are not everyone’s slave- you are so kind and helpful for your family but be kind to yourself too.
Doodle- your room must be so lovely and bright- a boon in the cold,dark winter months.
Do you have blinds or curtains?
It’s a hottie today isn’t it.
SweetPeaSue- hope you found a happier Aunt today and that she has settled well in her new home.
Wyllow- you’re right. Enough is enough.P is someone who understands what you are saying. Peoples stories are many and varied aren’t they.How many times do you have to repeat the same simple facts that MrA is a selfish,unpleasant man posing as a caring one and why should he even come to one meeting you enjoy when he could attend others.. it would be interesting to know how many have suffered at his hands.
Crete is one of our favourites. We have been several times to the western half of the Island. There is a wonderful beach there called Elafonisi but sadly there are too many tourists now.
Hope you have been able to get out today.
PurplePixie- hope you,ve had a good sleep after your disappointing weekend.
HVDY- hope you’re having a good day.

Love to all - mentioned and not. Keep coolxx

Not such a great weekend and I’ll be glad when it’s over. Catch up after some sleep.

L is one of the three people who are responsible for managing our little meeting. "Support Quakers", formally "Servants of the meeting", which was the situation when it started, and there were 6 Servants

In a big meeting Quakers have Elders (for spiritual management, over coming any problems) and Pastoral Care.

But we are all part of an Area meeting, and it is Area who have the key Safeguarding Roles - when it is serious.

So L has a sort of dual role - but one of the other "support" people is D, who was the one who accused me of invention and stirring trouble up. The third, R, is kind, but elderly, and forgetful, and a long term friend of MrA, yet cares about me, so is sort of deadlocked?

So its landed on L's head - or, should I say, she has chosen or been egged on to take it on I told her it was all in Safeguarding hands

So today was unasked for, most unwelcome, and in the end, after she had read all that I presented for the Zoom, accepted it.

At the end of the meeting where I walked out, since I was not there,

MrA had done his Mr Charming and caring-but- poor-me- but -how- I have-done- so- much- for- the- vulnerable in society bit,

and many of those there do not know he has been reported by a number of women over some time for unasked for touching or pinioned to the wall to be dumped on.

So you are right EllieAnne but I also appreciate you understand as do others here just how hard it is to be assertive!!!!
I hope you are able to enjoy some your time out from DH, and..

don't do the washing up if he hasn't done it ........

Doodle I would always choose the sunny flat despite the view being better. Living in a space where the sun doesn't enter to me and clearly to you is like being trapped in the dark looking out on the light, and life has enough of that at times anyway.

If you need to stay in, at least on a sunny day there is some light.
Erm....chair yoga comes straight to mind. You know me and yoga however..always pushing it.

Is your knee able to manage an indoor cycle machine very gently pedalled? (try one in a shop?) As long as that is OK with your heart people.

It is hard not just to find doable exercise but get the oomph to do it.

sweetpeasue yes my friend has a wonderful view from her balcony. Much better than mine. However I get the sun and she doesn’t so swings and roundabouts.
Glad the BBQ went well. Do hope aunt is happy in the home.
HVDY one of our sons has been to Croatia a few times and loved it. Sorry you didn’t get to see the girls. Hope you do so soon.
I’m really struggling with my weight. I seem so bloated. Got a huge stomach. Are you still on the Slimfast diet? How many times a day do you have it? Do you exercise a lot too? I can’t really exercise much because of my knee but I really must lose weight.
Scaredycat glad you liked the jousting. I can imagine it was quite hot outside. We went to an aircon garden centre for lunch which was nice. I don’t get much shade in my balcony. I have a triple aspect lounge and have sun most of the day through some windows. Currently the sun is streaming through the back window making the room quite warm.
Wyllow I’m a little confused. Surely the matter of whether or not Mr A returns to the meetings is up to the Safeguarding team not for individual members to decide what feels right for them. Only those with all the facts should make the decision. What position is L coming from and if she’s in the safeguarding team how come she doesn’t know all this already.
What a battle all this is for you

Wyllow the only fair solution I can see is that mr a does not attend your meeting. It must change the atmosphere for others too.
I m at s1 staying the night with gd. The others are away overnight at a competition.
The house is messy but I have no energy to fix it. Have been driving and ferrying gd around. And it’s quite hot.
So I just got a text from Dh. He can’t get the dishwasher to work. So he’s unplugged it. It’s fairly new but I have shown him how to use it at least 3 times!! Oh well I hope he’s washed them by hand and not left them till I get home tomorrow night

Today I went off to Quakers after a slightly but not overwhelming night, and the meeting itself was nice except marginally but not enough troubled by D the one who told me I was inventing, but we are sort of avoiding each other and that was OK. Nice new young Attender, chatted etc.

But after wards L came over could we have a chat. she made a preemptive strike by saying she thought MrA coming monthly was a good move.

I suspect she had discussed it with D and nice but quiet male R to get there.

As we discussed it I just got more clear than ever in my mind.

She said that MrA was borderline dangerous to women: she actually knew more than me about other women reporting him: he is incapable of change etc.

It was a "fudge it" solution - but I felt and said it it is punitive to me: why should I be effectively barred from my own meeting one in four:

MrA had lots of "Friends" he saw regularly, I don't, as due to MrA have not had the chance to make them.

I said for me the way for me to recover was not to have to take some of the responsibility for something I didn't do. To have a clear run.

She said "but oh some people" may turn against you on this.

I said "well, who"

"I cant say"

I pressed her and told her there is nothing worse than someone hinting to me
"some people" may "turn against" me but not giving me the chance to engage and inform them. I said I wasnt ashamed to do that.

(its actually very emotionally manipulative, isnt it?) I told her more about the effects it had had on me that she didn't know,

and said I would forward her all the information that the Safeguarding people had had. I also outlined all the things I had done to try and help MrA to "own things"

and what she didnt know - and had not asked - is that MrA got 5 hours counselling from Restorative Justice - pushed for by me, not any other Quaker who were wishing it would go away or blaming me at the time. that my conscience was at work regarding worrying about MrA night and sometimes day too

but enough was enough.

She did "hear" all I had to say but at the end there was me and D and R and I just left them saying that I felt I couldn't heal without space.

I walked out with P, a shy but long term attender and took the risk of telling her.

It turned out she had been in an appalling marriage with someone like MrA, ie "Mr do gooders" in the world: he could have been in prison these days, but it was then the 1980's and she didnt have any expectations from the police.

I said I hoped she had had some nice relationships after and she smiled and said yes

But it just shows, doesn't it? My supposition of no understanding or support?

After getting home I wrote to Safeguarding saying I had plucked up the courage to ask them what I did feel was best for me, and a little of what L had revealed:

then slept and woke feeling overwhelming guilt blah blah self beating up: L had written to me quite nicely saying yes leave it to Safeguarders and she too hoped MrA would do some counselling as I've tried to say all along:
I replied that I too wanted to leave it up to SGuarding as I'd had a bout of self reproof and simply could only say what I needed and they may come up with factors that demands another solution.

I'm sick to the back teeth of having to engage with some Q's and explain, explain, explain, and yet another day passes on it.
Especially a lovely early summer day.

The cats we had Scaredycat were not great shedders: fortunately, I don't recall the Forth Bridge experience.

I haven't been to any of the places you have, my greatest triumph in "far from home" was Crete 3 times and that was wonderful, and indeed part of the best bits with Ex2: he'd go anywhere happily, lots of bike rides and walks and venturing afield. I still have gratitude for that and some other matters.

On the bucket list for "if I ever can" is actually Capetown, but with someone very confident in travel: or more likely Kenya, as there are a lot of Quakers there once you get there. I guess I like the idea of places that have musical, social and historical interest as well as the faith one: cultures that are actually so really very, very different.

HVDY its hot enough to want to take it slowly - did you get to see your brother today? I expect you will be back on looking after LG soon, does she like playing water games in the garden to keep her occupied?

As ever, despite going on at length, am thinking with love for BD's, in this heat it must be hard nadateturbe: wondering how you are others who post regularly (I'm not good at naming names, as I dont want to leave anyone out, but always want to "know what is going on".

Hi!
HVDY- We love Dubrovnik - we are massive Game of Thrones fans and have watched it all 3 times. So walking the streets of Dubrovnik was great. But we,ve been there several times and never tire of its beauty- just too many people.Been to Rovinj and Korcula too.
Glad you said that about Jaffa as our boys are sleeping loads since it’s got hot, I can panic quite easily if I think they may not be right!!Theyre not too bothered about eating either.
Yes DH always gets a tan - I just burn😩
I looked at Vinted and they certainly have some nice stuff. I think GD3 sells some of her stuff on there.
Have a good evening all