Black Dogs 27

My, that was a Freudian slip. blaming myself. 🧐
I meant to write, I'm still so preoccupied.

Yes Wyllow I will let it go but it won’t go back to being the same. It took me a long time to feel part of the team ( it’s mainly couples) and the last two weeks have set it back. I will do all my usual work but withdraw from the chit chat.
I’m glad you are safely home.
It sounds like some people do not understand the impact the assault has had on you. I hope the meeting tomorrow helps.
I’ve been shopping,cleaning and baking today.havent seen anyone except dh. It been very wet today and dark so early.
My church group tonight is cancelled because the room is needed for something else.
I hope everyone has had a good day.

No, it never does go back to being the same Ellie Anne just as things will never be the same with my quaker group.

somehow we have to navigate it xx. Perhaps not getting involved in the chit chat but being accepted as part of the team anyway may bring its own rewards. (too much pressure in these situations anyway imo to chit chat!)

Well the Safeguarding woman made her decision and contacted the police without contacting me first. The next I knew I got a call from the Police to arrange for me to attend as station, but when I explained my limitations, a home visit tomorrow between 5 and 8pm

I immediately rung the Safeguarding officer and said why didnt you ring me first. She said oh I thought it would be Ok. alright I said.

Then after moments thought I said ,"have they actually got my full victims statement? and the texts from MrA?"

Oh no she said, they just have the summary.

"Have they got this crucial text from MrA"

No. sigh. She's just handed the whole thing over so she doresnt have to do the leg work.

duh.

I said send them the lot, they will not know x,y,z.
And I have asked MH to send me a short PDF with dates of crisis calls to them and their concerns about me as regards triggers and outcomes MH wise.

Candy thanks for popping in. Life sounds so hectic. Are you moving far? Will you still keep your caravan?
Wyllow you’re in a very difficult situation. I hope the meeting with the police goes well. Do you have copies of the things that you would like the police to have? Can you give them copies?
Good you had a nice time with your family. Your DIl obviously has a lot on her shoulders too. Hope you get to see more of them
Scaredycat the memorial service was lovely. Yes we had tea and scones after and a nice chat. Had. A nice meal out with DH’s brother and wife today but got upset after they’d gone. Thinking about another Christmas coming without DH . Just makes me sad as you know,
Hope the fluffy ones are getting settled now and not upset by the fireworks
Ellie Anne it’s obvious this lady thought enough to say she hoped you hadn’t felt abandoned. Maybe she does have a lot on her mind. She might not have been talking about the things on her mind with the others but something completely different.
I have some good friends at church that I have been out with in a one to one basis. They know each other too but I don’t expect them to share everything with me. I think when you feel low and unwanted then it’s easy to think no one wants you.
Do you always sit with the same people at church or chat generally? I always move around and try and talk to different people that way you get to know more and maybe make other friends. Are there any church activities like meetings or knitting that you could get involved in.
Sweetpeasue hoping that there is some progress with your Dh today,

Doodle my friend who made the comment about my face always keeps me a seat beside her so would probably be hurt if I didn’t sit there. I stay for tea after the service and try to speak to others then.
The group I help at is the only one for older folk. I go to a bible study too.
I don’t expect people to share everything but I’ve shared a lot with this friend but it’s over now. I’ll just do my work and be pleasant to everyone.
I do have other friends both in the church and elsewhere.

Ellie Anne yes I see she would expect you to sit with her. Are there any walking groups or things you could get involved in.
Something to take the sadness away for a bit. Don’t forget we’re all here for you too. Hugs coming your way.

Thats the dilemma Doodle. If you see others you are close to and have a good/warm time, afterwards the loss of DH hits harder. You are very courageous going into situations knowing there will be be a strong loss reaction.

Candy - do tell more - are you downsizing? Moving somewhere to be near to rellies? Moving near the sea....?

Today is dull and rather chilly, so it will probably be a visit to the gym, focussing on the nattering not the hard work. They do a good toasted teacake.

Hoping you'll feel up to doing in, Sweetpeasue and others not seen for a while.

Sorry not addressing all.
All geared up to face v important appt with Cardio yesterday. Got there at 4 to be told its today. DH had put wrong date on calendar.
Hardly slept - worrying about how long it will take for Cardio to act. Cardio still private at present.
Just have dreadful feeling inside about outcome of all this. Time is not on DHs side. He can't endure the phenomenal pain in arm/ hand continually and he seems weaker every day.

Hope you all have as well a day as you can. x

Hi all
Doodle- Ah it’s a difficult time of year isn’t it. It feels like everyone is happy except you and even though we know that’s not true that’s how it feels. It’s a hard path to walk but you are loved by many and are forging a new life very bravely.
I can’t tell you how much I admire you - your kindness and humour and empathy for others makes you special.
EllieAnne - things change constantly in groups of people. It doesn’t sound to me like there was any unkindness meant. You are sad and any perceived slight hurts you deeply. Really only a good friend who felt comfortable with you could say a daft thing like she did. We all care so much for you and wish you could care for yourself too.
Candy- So nice to see you in again. Moving is stressful and exciting all at the same time isn’t it. Looking forward to hearing all about your new house and its location when you’re settled in . We,ve missed you.
SweetPeaSue- Oh that must have been a blow- such an easy mistake to make. But at least you didn’t miss the appointment- that would have been awful.
I really hope today Cardio can get a plan in place to help your DH- he’s suffered enough. The consultant will have many things to discuss with you I expect - hope he is kind and understanding. Thinking of you both.
Wyllow- glad you’re home safe. The return journey always seems so much longer doesn’t it. Good to hear you were pleased to be home and the garden had put on a lovely Autumn dress.
Yes one man’s actions- the domino effect. Why are some people so immune to others feelings.
It’s brightening up here a bit now . Gym sounds a good thing for you today and toasted tea cakes never go amiss!! DH goes twice a week to his Gym and he and his buddies always have coffee and goodies afterwards.
Have a good day.
HVDY- Hope your day is going well. Our new furry boys are settling in well. One is a bit of a Velcro cat and follows me all over the place . He is a dear.
Hope the kittens are thriving- GD1 will be quite attached to them now I expect.
Nadateturbe, Allsorts,and all those we miss hope your day has some good moments xx

I have to be brief, hopefully the police coming soon

No toasted teacakes, I had to spend 6 hours drafting necessary documents, to exhausted to get dressed

and a long phone call to the quaker who offered her support to come tonight. Furious at more of my life taken up with this instead of healing, but I also am afraid as I know after being ll powerful with the police and on my own and its dark I will have a reaction, since I have been having over night, overnight recently.

Only person who could, but she is the one I wrote about here, who told me MrA was contrite and an OK guy really....today asking stuff like "why didn't you report straight away".

I had to explain about trauma and delayed reactions and fears of being thought well of by fellow Quakers and being ostracised in the place I need most and yet again repeating to her why it is not OK to call a sexual assault an "enthusiastic hug" (the assault as defined by 38:8 the religious helpline and by the police after first phone call and Quaker Safeguarding defining as such.

And with all these people making it quite clear how serious it is, I'l go bonkers if anyone else says or implies that I am overreacting, that what he did was "only this or that"

- when we have just had an immigrant paraded through the newspapers for an attack, after escaping prison, that was actually less serious than mine.

I have absolutely no intention of any outcome other than a caution/warning sent to a course for abusive men/reparative justice if possible! The fact he was 86 is irrelevant as he has the health of someone 10 years younger - unless he is suffering from disinhibition, and will make sure a psyche assessment is on the cards.

(she is a lovely person but I don't know where her head has been as regards issues like this - its standard stuff, degrees of trauma, effects of shock, delayed reactions post shock et al.) She must have had a very benign sheltered life.

Anyway - I am deeply and profoundly concerned for you, Sweetpeasue, and DH. I'm hoping some relief will come out of today for you both.

You absolutely must go to A and E when its that bad, if you don't get help today,

And also I feel you really must consider get some personal MH emotional support, you simply cannot go on like this xxx

What were you up to today, Scaredycat and I too would love to hear from others.

Wyllow- wish we were close so we could pop round and just have a chat. Well this morning did a couple of hours on i pad and ordered some Xmas pressies etc. The cats sat on the desk too and thought they were helping😺Then off to the foot lady. I had forgotten I had to go so when DH came back from Gym he reminded me and took me . I didn’t have time to change and still had my slippers on!!! She said it showed how comfortable I was with her- she’s right.
Then this afternoon read the paper and chilled. A very lazy day - not like me but nice. Bet you wish you hadn’t asked me😀😀😀😀
Hope you get to the Gym tomorrow - chat to your nice friend and get that toasted tea cake!

More whispered conversations this morning. From the few words I heard I’m surmising that it is a health issue . Still feel they could be discussing it in private but I just kept out of the way and got on with my work.
Took an ocular migraine while I was doing a craft so couldn’t see properly. I just went into the kitchen till it passed.
Wyllow I hope your meeting with the police goes well.
It’s sad that people are downplaying the behaviour of this man.
This morning I was walking past a man at the group and he said hello lovely lady . I have to say I didn’t feel comfortable with that.
And another man when he comes for his tea always calls me darling and makes me feel uncomfortable. But I’m never alone with any of them.
What is it with some men ?

Ellie Anne so if it’s a health problem then they were not talking about you which you thought they were last week.
I am friendly with lots of people but realise they have others they will discuss some things with and not me. I would do what you are doing. Keep going. Talk to people and smile.
Sweetpeasue oh the trauma of the waiting. At least it wasn’t the day before and you missed the appointment. Hope tomorrow gets some action on your DH’s condition. Don’t leave there without getting answers to your questions. This is such a stressful time for you.
Wyllow it will be difficult for people who think of this man as a kindly old chap. Hope you have a successful meeting with the police.
Scaredycat what a pleasant day. Hope your feet are feeling more comfortable tonight.
HVDY not like you to have not been in yet, Hope you’re ok. Have you seen the children today?
I went for coffee with a friend this morning. Then visited other grandma for a chat. Home for ironing. Relaxing now with dinner.

Consultant was in such a rush. He was a full hr late and never apologised at all, rushing DH in to treadmill room. He'd not read any of DHs file.
DH was on about 2 or 3 mins- it was horrible- even the walking pace much faster than his stroll , then they speeded up .DH grasping the bars so tight, encouraging him to keep going when he'd had enough. DH said he nearly blacked out when he'd told them to stop.
I dont think enough consideration was given to his other Subclavian artery problem as he gets dizzy quickly.
Anyway Surgeon is informing Vascular that they can go ahead with stenting Sub artery . He is asking GP to refer him to NHS Cardiologist for Angiogram. He thinks the Vascular consultant needs to do his procedure first and DH should continue with the spray.

So tired now-
Wyllow Do hope the police visit goes well.
ScaredycatDoodle**HVDY Hope your day has been OK.
EllieAnne Sorry you are feeling 'left out' of things again. Im sure they dont mean to upset you. I can see though how hurtful it must seem. x

I'm glad to hear about that referral, Sweetpeasue. Today's bloke being that late and not reading things and not saying sorry?

What arrogance. 😡 was he NHS or private?

I'm glad they are going ahead with treatment, and have a sequence in mind.

Do you have a time scale?

And the Angiogram. Will that cover the other Subclavian artery? Perhaps the Doc today count usefully comment on it without the Angiogram?

and I still would so like you to reach out for support!!!

meanwhile have this big fleece, and call for your lovely part time dog (whose name I forget)

and like Scardeycat often wish we lived nearer - as in no commitments- no phone numbers - but a cuppa or latte catch up.

Welcome Doodle, nice to see you in and thoughtful comments.

Ellie Anne my knowledge of people - life but also theory - is that many people can't really see beyond their private preoccupations and are mostly more benignly interested in themselves/close family and what they want out of a situation, not you:

- they live in their world and interact on the basis of a mixture of self interest and kindness/politeness/grumpyness/sympathy of they are that way inclined and so on.

Unless they are that sort of nasty gossip person that go around and enjoy stirring it, but they don't seem like that, except that lady who died?

I think plastering on a slight smile at times is useful, it signals "willing to contact" - if thats what you want - better than isolation?

The policeman was really great. He stayed for nearly 2 hours and was very well trained for his job. I had expected that, as its what happened before when Ex was being abusive. I had another Quaker with me,

and now I'm glad I got the one who Had Doubts, as she has none, none at all now about this man - at time both of us spoke of him with some affection and fairness

frankly she was what they call gob-smacked by the end at what he had done to a person who had just said how fragile she still felt and he knew I had been suicidal he knew about past abuse very big time (more came out on that for her). By the end, she said MrA needed a shock about what he had done and questioning and arrest would do that, but of course a psyche evaluation.

the next step is of course they interview him, he would be arrested if he doesnt come to the police station as requested. the next step for me is to have a long video interview at a police station for the CPS to make decisions and to save me from having to attend if it goes to a magistrates court. I expressed my fears about other Quakers for blaming me for "shopping" the man they have respected and th policeman made it clear if I didnt want to I didn't have to make any decisions but I didnt want to have to see him big time, my natural fear reaction showed that. And anyway he was reported to the police by our Safeguarding officer not me which makes all the difference.

But I'd had to fight to get her to do that - she didnt want to, either, till she spoke to ThirtyEight Eight.

Its just so unprecedented in Quakers everyone is flailing around - but initially not taking it seriously enough, becuase they could have easily picked up the phone and rung our Quaker HQ - and didn't take it seriously enough to. Other quaker women could be at risk: if he is suffering from disinhibition then thats a different scenario. But he is an arrogant man always going on about Jesus but Jesus would never have done what he did!

the policeman did say one particular thing tho - that I could be suffering by what he called re-traumatisation as well as the sort of response any own would have. I get that.

Doodle Hope youve had a good day.
DHs appt was yesterday and the Cardiologist felt that it was OK for Vascular surgeon to go ahead with stenting the Subclavian Artery. Cardiologist believes that its safe should come first. Meanwhile Cardiologist is asking GP to refer him to Cardiology in local hospital on NHS where he will be put on list for Angiogram.
Wyllow It all seems so stressful., but glad the policeman was a nice man and you have felt listened to. I doubt if you'll see Mr A again if he goes to a different Quakers meeting.
The 're- traumatisation' the policeman mentioned is valid as its bound to affect yourself after ex's abuse.
We have Fluffball tomorrow overnight.
Hope youve been OK today.
Scardycat Aww one of your cats is already following you around.
Had to smile at you going out to see foot lady in your slippers.☺️
HVDY Hope youve been OK today and Jaffa isn't still waking you in the early hrs.
Candy Good luck with all the moving- must be so stressful.
.

Sorry, posted too early.

Dhs birthday today. Went out for a coffee this morning then I went to book group ( on his insistence) but came out early as DS and grandson meant to be calling in too.
Both of us hardly slept last night , just hoping that the Vascular surgeon will do the op when he gets go-ahead from Cardiologist.
(Just reminded me- Wyllow asked if Cardiologist was private, yes he is or was.)

Hoping everyone has had a reasonable day. X

Hi all
EllieAnne- Yes as Doodle says just keep going and be your normal nice self.People talk with other people all the time and often it,ll be something private to them and their friends. It doesn’t mean they are being unkind just sharing things that are personal to them. A smile can work wonders. There could well be someone else at your church who feels as you do but keeps it to themself.
Doodle- I love the feeling when you walk out after having your feet done- it feels like walking on air.
It’s great you have the other Grandma to go and see- you must have much in common.
One of the things I enjoy most is coffee with friends- it’s cosy isn’t it. Soon it’s a Xmas meet up with my Art friends - one of whom will be celebrating finishing her chemo. Time for celebration.
SweetPeaSue- such arrogance from that Consultant. Can’t believe he,d not even read Your DH file.
Your poor husband those treadmills are horrid . He must have felt so awful. I hope the referral comes through quickly- you,ve done enough waiting.
Yes you could both do with a Fluffball day- her little face will cheer you up.
Wyllow- so glad you got a kind understanding but also knowledgable Officer to listen to you. The police often get a bad press but most do such good work.He was trying to take the heat off you making any decisions you feel uncomfortable
With.
MrA sounds obnoxious . I guess it was hard for some of the Quakers to admit that one of your Church members behaved in that fashion. As you say it’s for all the other women he could frighten or upset with his arrogance. Jesus would definitely have put him in his place.
HVDY- how are you? Do hope all is OK with you and your family. Xx

Sweetpeasue sounds like you’re all set to go with the vascular surgeon now, hope your Dh gets an appointment soon. Hope a stent or other treatment will help considerably.
Wyllow glad the police seem to take things seriously and was experienced in such matters, that helps. Is it back to the Quakers now.
Scaredycat yes I’m looking forward to celebrations with my art friends too. Nice to meet up with different groups for coffee. Some of my friends from different groups get to know each other via me and that’s nice too.
It was our granddaughters graduation today. So happy for her. DH would have been over the moon. He was so interested in what she was doing. Wish he could have been here to see it.
HVDY you e been very quiet. Are you ok? Know you weren’t feeling great. Hope you’re not poorly.
I’m so tired I’m struggling to stay awake.

Woke up after a long sleep weight off and very tired. Things seemed set of normal after a terrible night mare.

Yes, "Retraumatisation" but what MrA did was horrible horrible for me and out of order to Quakers in every way by our own guidance"
It was all made worse by Quaker inadequacy to respond properly - no real sympathy and backing appropriate for abuse

that will be raised with them very carefully and properly, things need to change and I will not let my meeting continue to pretend that MrA and I should both be not able to talk for help and love.

Quakers are very low key over Christmas, traditionally 400 years back it was not celebrated on the grounds that we try to live constantly in the light (and also the excesses of the time, Charles the Second, with so much poverty around too).

That's changed of course and we have been known to sing Taize and some carols, as few traditionalists still dont mark Chrtismas. We are a funny lot. I think most of us celebrate part pagan and part "births of hopes and light as symbolised".
Sweetpeasue - if that surgeon didn't give you a full hour - he was late, he had to read the notes, why should you shell out so much to him (was my thought). OTOH if you need him you dont have a lot of choice. But I am glad the path ahead has been spelt out, although a troubling one.

Doodle, it's amazing to read the sort of interwoven networks of friends, acquaintances, people who could become friends, though the groups you are in. Just well done for being able to do this and not retreat - so easy to do, so damaging to do x

Good news there on the friend cancer front, Scardeycat: hoping it continues to be as best as can be hoped for. You needed some good friend news.

*I plan to be quite active on cmas day in GN unless things crop up.
A chat thread for isolated/grieving/home alone - maybe a sharing music thread thats really "inclusive". We'll see.

Hello all, I'm not feeling very sociable (I'm perfectly ok, just not very "chatty"), but saw the GDs at the weekend, and LG on Monday. I've been reading all your various posts, wish you all well. Back soon x

HVDY. Sending love and hugs. I feel like that sometimes. No need to post lors just good to know you’re ok

Doodle Yes , we're hopeful that the Vascular surgeon will go ahead with stent in Subclavian artery . Sent email to him and also secretary.
Wyllow Yes, Wyllow , we've been disappointed with the Cardiologist. Fortunately we should not need him if ,as he said, he asks GP to refer us to the Cardiovascular dept in our main NHS local hospital for Angiogram. There are many NHS cardiologists in that dept and I feel hopeful that DH can get the right care there. Meanwhile we need the Vascular consultant to sort out other problem.
HVDY Thinking of you and hoping you'll be able to post soon.x

Thinking of you Hvdy. Hope all is well