BLACK DOG 26

Have a lovely tine chewing the paint and wallpaper if you go, HVDY. I'd love a fun job like that. need any artistic advice? Send a magic carpet?.
I would describe you as "grounded". Your strong family bonds, your strong sense of where you are in the world. this doesnt preclude social anxiety, far from it, but you come across as unwavering in your very strong sense of what's right and what is wrong..

It occurred, HVDY, that Simon may well respond in the future

when he has processed (especially with his mother dying, for his solicitor will have told him) whatever needs be.

I have been assuming he'd process at the same time rate as me.
This actually came up in the conversation with A, the housing manager (They call her that, but at heart she is a very capable social worker with substantial psychological depth of understanding)
and me and DocSis alluded to it last night too.

I'm going to assume this is a possibility

Ex Mum's death, btw, was no surprise. Even when I last saw her, May 2023, she had a broken back, and was losing her memory.
I had a candle burning set safely at bedtime and let it burn out.

when I awoke this morning I had a lightness in my heart, a sense of balance in the world, as I looked out of the window just now the sun is coming out for the first time in days

All the work I did on loss, anger (the pharmacist, the state of the world), the crisis calls has paid off.

I honestly don't feel that any contact with Ex would throw me off course so much it would trigger a depression -I have too many people supporting me and that includes BD's Big Time

That's partly because over 20 years in Mental Health I have got used to asking, and asking the right person in the right way, (which is, "please, I need your help") and managed nearly always to stay polite.

Wyllow3 Thank you. I've always tried to be a strong person, but the social anxiety is a pain 9I hide it well). I've always chosen everything in our home - paint, wallpaper, furniture, everything - because DH simply isn't at all interested in decorative things. It's kind of you to think of your ex's mum like that. You give the impression of having a fondness for her. Take good care of yourself.

Off out now, back later. x

It just occurred to me that*Ellie Anne* - in a rush as I want to go to the gym and Carer 2 comes at 2.30pm

That the people you meet who seem oh so confident

May be feeling teary as nervous as you inside, but..don't show it?

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- so,sorry to hear about your BiL- he sounds a lovely person.. I,m glad your Sis has her daughters to,help and support her.
Glad you too got to the beach with Fluffball- everyone could do with a Fluffball in their lives. Was DH able to go too?
Hope your BiL recovers very soon- it’s awful to see your Sis worried and probably feeling helpless.
HVDY- so nice that for once your Brother acknowledged it made him happy to have you go with him to see his wife. You got her on a good day too - I think looking at photos is really good for Alzheimer’s patients . We used to do it with DH Stepdad.
Golf was fun- really nice meal afterwards too. Good choice in M & S - we love all your choices.
Kind empathetic advice for EllieAnne- we all need to “Whistle a happy tune” sometimes . I know those anxious feelings too well.
Doodle- glad you’re painting again- I expect it’s time to start classes again. So good for the the coming colder months.
A walking group is just the job isn’t it- you can chat or walk in companiable silence..
Couldn’t have done the Golf without a buggy. Years ago I played a lot of Golf but physically couldn’t do it now. DD and I enjoyed the putting though. Needless to say we didn’t win😀
Wyllow- Friday was tough too. Sad news re your Ex MiL as you seem to,have been fond of her. A nice memorial for her but she is a memory now. Good memories or bad are all stored away but some are best put away forever.Yoir words to EllieAnne were wise and could apply to you too.
You have written to your Ex with care and consideration and now a 2 nd letter. If there is a reply it could come tomorrow or never. As you say your time scale is just yours so try and get on with your life and time will tell.
Yoir thoughts on waking this morning signify a very hopeful change in your thinking- with the help of all who care and love you ,including us, the Sun will certainly shine for you.
EllieAnne- think you,ve made the right decision. It’s not worth putting yourself through so much - nobody would know,how you felt but it would be torturous for,you in that frame of mind. Flowers and a card is the way to go. Take care and hope,the decision gives you some peace of mind.

Love to all - enjoy the weekend as best you can and to,all those we haven’t seen for a while- we miss youx

Wyllow I don’t think I said anything about putting the loss and happy memories aside. I’m the last person who would say that to you. I live for my memories.
Unlike many people I don’t believe in closure. I will never get closure from losing my husband. I will never “move on” from him. He will be in my life forever. Just like your Ex will be part of your life forever.
I was just suggesting that perhaps you just let things rest between you. Not estranging him or excluding him from your mind but just not making contact or expecting contact.
Obviously it is up to you what you do but before you started this business of writing him a letter you seemed to be getting on with your life and living again. Since writing it you have had to call in the crisis team. I’m just worried that you will end up back were you were a few months ago and that would be very sad for all of us.
I was surprised what you said about people choosing a relationship with some conflict and separateness. DH and I rarely argued and would spend 24 hours a day with each other if we could. Neither of us was happy with any form of conflict.
(sorry I might have misunderstood what you meant here)
Ellie Anne that fluttering anxious feeling I know well. I’m so pleased you managed to cope with your meeting. If that really is how you feel then i think possibly deciding not to go might be the best for you.
I agree with Wyllow. You never know what other people are going through and they probably all have their own anxieties and worries that they try not to show.
HVDY I used to get really anxious like that too. As I got older I coped better. Did you get your wallpaper?
Scaredycat I’m glad the golf went well and you had a good time and a nice meal. Shame you didn’t win but just playing was fun I expect.
Sweetpeasue any news on your BiL. I hope your DH is coping a bit better now the weather isn’t so hot, don’t overdo things,
I had a nice meal at lunchtime in the hospice with a friend. Then did a quick shopping trip.

What is it they say, *Scardeycat"..."it's not the winning it's the taking part". If the weather was good for you, a day of putting and buggy rides on a nice golf course. But was there cake?

I went to the gym fully intending to have shower then do a bit of yoga. but as part of the shower routine I go in the steam room firs to relax and open pores, etc. then, seeing totally empty lane in the pool, I did a few lazy lengths. MY ears are fine without protection but I'll stick to the 6 lengths and not over do the car and water. But I did a handstand in the water at the deep end, just to prove to me, that I still could.

So by the time that was done, and the pamper shower and the pamper cream, I was too tired to go upstairs for yoga.

Tomorrow,

My no2 care worker came for an hour. (We were taking stuff back to M n S click and collect at long last and picking up a few goodies then a coffee)

But

You see,

I was wearing 2 pairs of specs. 🤣 One as per, one perched on my head. I felt them there in MnS near the strawberries.

"why didnt you tell me", I wailed.

"because I thought one pair was for short sight and the ones on top were for reading"

Phew. We creased up. I did spend time at the cafe talking about Ex's mum, my plan is to talk about her as much as I can, each time bringing her more back to life so's to say goodbye.

By closure for me Doodle I mean being able to lay its current intensity aside for the present. Are I in your choses I would also never want it. The trouble is it is that it's one of those words which means different things for different people, I believe.

As for conflict in a relationship - some marriages absolutely thrive on it. Yours clearly was the opposite.

At this stage in my life, and I know many women like me, I do not want to live with anyone ever again. (unless, if it lasts, in much older age you compromise). Once bitten for a number of us but not given up on love and hugs and sharing.

imo, there isn't a right or wrong about it unless the partners are actually doing harm to each other. My DS reports that he and DiL have shouty flare ups when under pressure but then they just die out after a bit

Been a strange day. Son 2 and family wanted to meet for lunch at a local garden centre because it was dh birthday yesterday. That was nice then they came back to ours. Ds was helping dh on his computer so din L ,me and 5 year old went to the park near us. There’s only a few swings slides etc but he likes it. Played some games at home tried to teach him uno,then they went home. Since then I’ve had the horrible fluttering feeling and a dread inside that I can’t explain.
Really don’t feel well at all.
Wyllow I wish there was a gym with a pool near me but the only one is in a very posh hotel and way out of my price range.
Hvdy I hope you got everything you wanted.
I haven’t got back in touch with my friend yet about the invitation. Still worried about it,

I guess it's possible that you and DH may be able to get on better, being with the family is a bit healing -but it all seems pretty different and pretty scary, that idea. Yes, after so long nearly estranged, the idea it might be different is really challenging.

I'd just "go with it" maybe with a bit of optimism? It is the one thing you without doubt share with DH - unless you want to stay separate (which may be the case, after all)

Its a sort of opportunity as in
you "how did they get on with he computing"

"I tried to teach x this game...."

If you do want to try, keep it light x

Yes I wish you could come to my gym, Its in the Nuffield chain and very friendly but you never "have" to speak. Its £48 a month so if I go say 3 or 4 times a week its less than a pint and a long hot free shower.

ScaredyCat My DH used to play golf, years ago. He had the clubs, trolley, umbrella, shoes, etc. I ought to try to persuade him to start again (although with his Arthritic knees, he might find it too much). Glad you enjoyed it, and it was good weather to be outside.

Doodle We got some paint, but didn't see any paper that we liked, so I will look elsewhere next week. DH bought skirtings. The hospice is a nice place to go, it seems.

EllieAnne Nice that you had a visit from your son and his wife. Our GDs play Uno, but perhaps your GS is a bit young for it? That fluttery feeling of dread is anxiety. That will go, I think, when you've spoken to your friend and told her you're not going (or will you go?)

Wyllow3 You had a good time at the gym, what with swimming, handstands(!) and the steam room. I have 2 pairs of specs, one for reading, the other all the time. Funny how you ended up with both at once.

Lazy day, but B&M trip was good - I bought some things I hadn't realised we needed . Depressing to see Advent calendars and toiletry gift sets in there. Hope ALL BDers have a restful sleep x

Oh no not the bearded C word yet HVDY.

No the point about the specs is that they were both the same

I spent about 2.5 hours writing my memories down about Ex's mum. I have sent a copy for Ex's brother in SA and MiL's partner, but since I am persona non grata I do not expect a reply. but since it was mainly for me (or any other connection that turns up) that's OK.

Ha! Not the bearded c word but the dreaded c word.

Wyllow3 Oh, that's even funnier . My friend went to The Range yesterday and said they've got Christmas decorations and trees in already - at the end of August!

Up early, 6.30 - woke and couldn't get back off to sleep. Son2's for a buffet at lunchtime, so we'll see Son1 and his family there, too. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Always nice to come in and find you here, HVDY, I like to "clock in" first thing-ish as I live alone it's nice. Yes, now you know why carer and I fell around laughing. Your day sounds really nice, enjoy.

I've gone and done the left side of my back in. It had to be a slightly unwise stretch yesterday.

Its had ice and loads of heavy duty arnica and the right kind of yoga applied to it, so to go to Quakers, where you have to sit still for up to an hour.

I've taken a rare Tramadol, it's benign for me fortunately, (Tum says "no" to anti-inflammatories). Then an incredibly careful yoga designed to remedy it. (the way out is to strengthen the support muscles around the pain point without risking making it worse)

We didnt hear from some BD's yesterday, so hoping you'll pop in today and have a round up.

Hi all
Doodle- I agree with you about closure. Maybe acceptance is a better description. If we can accept the things that have happened to us but the memories and feelings live on we learn to live with them. They are part of us. Your words to Wyllow were put so well.
It’s lovely you can visit the hospice with friends and eat together. What a wonderful thoughtful place it sounds.
Hope Church was full of peace and friendship too.
Wyllow- you’re so right- it’s the taking part. Good job eh!! There was cheesecake for desert.
I,m impressed - handstands in the pool- I couldn’t have done that when I was 20!
Loved the saga of the Specs- must admit more than once I,ve gone looking for mine and they are on my head😩
All relationships work differently don’t they. I don’t understand those that thrive on conflict but as long as they don’t hurt anyone else it’s their choice. Your DS and DiL sound pretty normal to me - it’s when things fester the problems start.
It’s good to write things down as a way of processing things- I did that a lot when my world imploded.
Hope your back was OK for Quakers and the rest of your day you,re doing things you enjoy.
EllieAnne- Wyllow had a good point that maybe there is still hope for you and DH. You share a lovely family who it seems enjoy being together . Something to build on?
That anxious feeling spoils so much - I can’t remember why you don’t take ADs . I,m sure they would help you. If the Anniversary party is imminent make the decision not to attend and that will be a weight lifted.
HVDY- it might be nice for your DH to have another go at Golf but it is quite hard on the knees.
I have varifocals but guess it’ll have to be another prescription after the Ops.
B and M is,stuffed with things you didn’t know you needed isn’t it. We always start off with a basket then DH has to go back out and get a trolley😀 really can’t bear the C stuff appearing already.
Hope the family lunch is going well - lovely to be all together.
SweetPeaSue-hope you’re both OK today and getting out together. It’s lovely today with a nice fresh breeze instead of feeling like an oven.
We are feeding DD cats their tea tonight-so will get a nice welcome from them.

Love to all- mentioned ,absent , those who just read and anyone else who needs a friend

Ellie Anne are you feeling any better today? Could be anxiety or palpitations. Hope you’re ok.
HVDY not Christmas things already surely.😱 we’ve got a Range near us but not been in recently. Hope you had a nice lunch and time with your family.
Wyllow sorry to hear you’ve hurt your back. Hope the tramadol helps and it eases up. Have you got any ibuprofen gel. That sometimes helps a muscle ache.
Scaredycat yes acceptance is a good word. Doesn’t mean you’re happy about it but without forgetting you can try getting by one day at a time. Yes church was lovely such a nice group. I stayed chatting for an hour after which is so nice as by the time I get home it’s lunchtime then afternoon.
Lovely and sunny again today. Hope the cars are being well behaved.
Sweetpeasue thinking of you and DH. Hope you’re having a relaxing weekend.

Doodle it’s still quite bad and legs are very shaky. But heart rate is ok.
I really don’t understand why this has started.
Wyllow I hope you got to quakers ok.
When we are with family he doesn’t really join in. The hearing is part of the problem I think but also he is one of those people who can’t just chat. He needs to have a subject. My dd is a bit like that too.
I still haven’t contacted friend.

Ellie Anne is your Bp ok? It could be anxiety but you need to get it checked. Is it possible your DH is on the autism spectrum.?

* EllieAnne* That ' racing' inside might well be anxiety ( you've extra worry over the indecision about friend's invite). If it continues do have a GP appt . Is there a friendly one who you can trust?

Sorry everyone I can't seem to reply properly to everyone today.
Just to say my BIL is really poorly ,still in intensive care with oxygen mask and 5 cannulas in him. We're all so worried.
( I had a less than helpful text from a fam member saying perhaps it's time that DH and I had ' the talk' about ' what he wanted' ... )
I'm so scared. DH been particularly breathless today. He's exhausted ,even when he wakes up.
With all this about BIL my fears for the future feels very present.
I wish I could post to you all. You all have your own fears and heartache .
The fear I have inside -- I'm trying to pretend it's not there, even though at times I feel it's choking me.
My DH should have been seen long ago. I don't understand why this has had to happen, apart from the GP we saw just not listening to both of us and then the Vascular consultant dismissing the SS.

I'll try and come in tomorrow when I'm not so anxious.
Love to you all. I've prayed for each one of you today. You are all my friends.x

Wyllow3 I hope the Tramadol worked and that the rest of your day has been alright. Did you manage to have the Quakers meeting?

ScaredyCat Yes, I'd think your specs prescription will be different after you've had your cataracts done. I had varifocals, years ago, but couldn't get on with them at all - I felt dizzy and unsteady when walking about. I tried for a few weeks, but had to go back to having 2 different pairs of glasses. Nice that you're seeing to the GrandCats. How's your day been?

Doodle Glad you enjoy going to church. The weather's been lovely today.

EllieAnne Is your blood sugar ok? Or, as Doodle suggests, your BP? My husband doesn't chat, unless it's with our sons about films/beers/DIY, or with his mates about cars/motorbikes. He needs to have a subject, too. He can't see the point in "small talk". It doesn't mean he's autistic; he's simply a quiet, introverted person. I expect your husband is the same.

SweetpeaSue How are you and your DH?

Nice buffet at Son2's. Good to see the family - GD1 is with her other grandparents in Filey (they've got a caravan), GD2 didn't want to go with them, so she and a friend were at Son2's today. We had a couple of games of Bingo, which was funny. DIL's mum, sister and nieces didn't turn up (DIL's dad has never been to their house). Little Girl was entertaining, as always x

Sweetpeasue prayers and hugs and much love.
Reading and thinking of you all. Sorry I can't be a proper part of the group, energy is too low.xx

Bp is slightly high but no idea about blood sugar.
My d in L s sister is autistic and the first time she met my dh she said to d in L that he was autistic too. Whether it’s right or not I don’t know but he certainly has some traits.
Nadateturbe I’m sorry you are not feeling good.
And for others with worries.

Nadateturbe You are a proper part of this group. We all understand how serious your ME is and the impact it has on your everyday life and it must be so very hard for you.
Thankyou souch for your prayers and hugs. Sending you some back too.x

Thanks Sweetpeasue. You're very kind.energy to read and post is too much at the minute. I get light-headed after a short time. I wish it wasn't so. Physical energy is low too. It's like my battery dies very quickly!
EllieAnne regarding your friend, you need to do what's best for you. My brother told me that when he visited recently and I had to tell him after an hour that I needed to rest. Very wise and caring. I bet you feel better as soon as you tell her.

Doodle

*Ellie Anne* is your Bp ok? It could be anxiety but you need to get it checked. Is it possible your DH is on the autism spectrum.?

Doodle, I wondered re the Autism as well

It's that sort of person where you need a practical way in to discuss things not an emotional way. (My GS1 is a bit that way, and one of our leading Quakers in our group has said he is).

But it's my experience with them that it does slide into more emotional boundaries once trust established although you start with practical matters.

(I'm pretty sure my Ex had a tinge of that, he was happiest taking "things" not "feelings" and was confused why people should want to talk feelings as much.

Very different when it's a DH tho, Ellie Anne after a long time of assuming (if it's the case) that the lack of emotional discussion means - he doesn't care. But he may well do under the "need to talk facts".

I can truly understand how overwhelming the combination of both your men is, Sweetpeasue Try and talk here as much as you can, and please ring the young psychologist to talk to as well xx

A warm wave to Nadateturbe, understood, and hugs x

Yes, cheesecake passes the BD "food standards" test, Scardeycat

HVDY I had a super day, Quakers and the gym and a sleep, the Tramadol allowed me to sit for an hours' meeting, and then I went to the gym for a lot of the after noon - lots of chats, good targetedstretches, some weights, a panini and yet more chats.

Then after the sleep, I only went and dropped the corner of my lap top on my left foot, didnt I? 🙄 (it slid off my lap)

Big shock, big ouch, immediate icing and raising high (heart level) has meant the impact hasn't been as great as it might, but just lets say my left side..... isn't at its best atm..

Night night BD's: see you tomorrow: take as good care of yourselves as you can.