BLACK DOG 25

I was so frantic with so many feelings dark and light about attending Quaker meeting for worship, that I spent time on the Politics threads:

And by spending too much time on it, even though I knew what I was doing, it left me very late to get ready for the Quaker meeting.

I felt very shaky on the drive, it reminded me of times when Ex used to take me to the meeting, and then we would go to the gym.

I tried hard, and partially managed to focus on the meeting with a combination of deep breathing and trying to ground and centre myself,

and mostly managed including driving safely.

It was, as I had hoped a complete feeling of coming home I looked around. I saw the familiar faces. The room was completely at peace. Love was there in the waiting. The feelings were very intense indeed - the talk afterwards, marvellous with all the different people, only three new to me...

...sitting in a circle like precious beads on a necklace.

Ex appeared again. I cast around for something to ground me.

I found it. It was simply - but taking everything to sit there in silence with the others there, completely in the present.

I didn’t feel grief until I left the meeting, sat in the car.

What happened with Simon, as memories flooded through my mind, both positive and negative, can be summed up as needing some kind of closure, but only in a safe way.

* I need help, deciding how realistic my concern that he is possibly suicidal, and if it is a real concern, and then, is there anything I can do - that is safe for me*

I will of course be asking my psychologist this and will not fight her advice - she reads all my diaries

Having written the heavy stuff

🙂 I refocussed on the small, beautiful things like the Bee buzzing in the meeting for worship:

I stayed , and let myself feel the full range of my currently intense feelings.🫢

Now I feel dreadful I had been "too clever by half"

I generally think I do OK fine with people, but cannot be sure.

since then I have been pottering and sorting - alas, I had no choice, as the curtain man is coming early tomorrow to take down the current ones for washing and new linings, and putting up the old ones for now,

and the whole house is full of stuff laid out in an order only I know:

but the poor man has to actually get to the curtains and have space to do the measuring and everything!

(collapses in bed next)

❤️

HVDY glad you got the air con fixed. I’m this heat you need it. See your buying and selling is still going well
Scaredycat yes I went to church this morning. It was lovely and cool when I arrived but by the time I. Âme put it was so hot in the car I felt my hands burning on the steering wheel.
Can’t believe your niece is still waiting, poor woman it’s been such a long time. Fancy cooking a roast. 🤣 I’d have been round like a shot if I’d known.
Sweetpeasue I don’t think this heat helps anyone who doesn’t feel great. Hope your appointment goes well Monday. I’m going to the fracture clinic.
Wyllow that’s a lovely passage. Nice you get some peace being with the Quakers.
nadateturbe I expect like me you find the heat draining. No point in doing too much when you’re exhausted
Going out on prayer walk this evening. Hope it’s not too hot.

Wyllow Good for uou- overcoming those fears to get to the pool. Not surprisingly your legs are not as strong when you were swimming regularly and keeping up the gum. I'm sure you'll be back to previous strength in no time. You deserve your slim body , I must say ,everything you do.
HVDY Aw Littlegirl is such a blessing isn't she. Thank goodness the car air- con is fixed. Must say it's not been too hot here today. Sun has just come out as there was a rolling fog from the coast and it came in fairly cool. Thanks ,I have to remind myself to drink more water and I do try but I can tell from urine that sometimes not enough. No I don't iron fitted sheets though used to iron duvet covers - not when it's too warm though.
Back later.

Hadn't refreshed page so missed your posts.
Nadateturbe Yes it's true what you say. It's strange as I don't actually realise until afterwards. The brain fog makes it difficult sometimes to understand too much information. Hope you're having a peaceful time at your caravan.
Scaredycat You made me smile about cooking the chicken. I just had 2 ready meals ( with extra veg added) yesterday but the oven being on was so hot . Oh and I always have to iron pillowcases too - I like that smooth feel though why do I often wake with the creases in my face! What's that all about? Yes , I hear you about energy for holiday. Oh your poor neice waiting for that op- honestly that's so bad- she must be so uncomfortable.
Wyllow Ready for Quaker story.....

OohDoodle I think it must be boiling where you are. Do hope it'll have cooled down for your prayer walk tonight.
Hope you'll have good news at the fracture clinic tomorrow and the wrists are improving. It's been such a battle for you ,doing everyday things.
Wyllow Aw your Quaker meeting didn't let you down. So glad you receive such comfort and such love when everyone sits together. It sounds very special . The concerns you have about your ex are worrying you and keep turning up when you don't want them to- yes, do discuss it with your psychologist. Hope you feel better after having rested.

Had a quiet day and needed it.
Feeling a bit nervous about tomorrow and hoping I don't have to strip down like last time! ( He felt the Fibro tender points)
Hope everyone has a peaceful night and their day has been OK.

ScaredyCat I don't envy you cooking a roast dinner, but it's always nice to have one. We had beef Rogan Josh (DH cooked it from scratch and it was very tasty). Your poor niece, it's terrible that she's still waiting.

Doodle It wasn't hot this morning, but it's heated up as the day's gone on and is now really humid with it. Hope you get on well at the fracture clinic tomorrow.

SweetpeaSue LG will be here tomorrow. It'll be the last playgroup until September, and they're doing a buffet. We're going to take fairy cakes and crisps to share. Weatr your best underwear tomorrow, in case you have to strip off . Joking aside, I haven't heard of needing to undress for that. I hope all goes well and that you might get some answers.

How's everyone been? The heat is horrible here - still 26 degrees at this time of day! We haven't been out. DH's sister rang me for 3 hours! I'm just enjoying a large Pimm's and lemonade. Love to ALL x

HVDY Yes I got the joke. Won't be wearing my chub-rub knickers! 😂
Oh wow 26 deg. Been much better here today.
DH is still the same and struggling.

todays U tube

www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdeOyrLHdSg&list=RDOdeOyrLHdSg&start_radio=1

Its “Ombra Mai Fu by Cécilia Bartoli”

A most lovely celebration of happiness in nature, and great visuals:

Translation of the song:

Ombra mai fu" translates from Italian to English broadly as "Never was the shade of a tree so lovely”

.It is the opening aria from Handel's opera Serse (also known as Xerxes). The aria is a lyrical expression of admiration for the shade of a plane tree, with the singer (Xerxes) describing it as "dearer and more lovely".

Back later, I just heard the song so posted it now.

I have never heard of a prayer walk Doodle - but in the cool of an evening I can imagine a comforting event in sharing the prayer. Can you tell me a bit more about it?

Mrs NDN cooks a full dinner (thats what many people in the North of England still call the middle of the day meal) everyday even in this weather. The cooking - good cooking too, but traditional - smells waft over to me. Mr NDN is as thin as a stick, it’s a mystery.

My pillow case theory, Sweetpeasue, is that after 24 hours it’s back to square one, although you are right about that lovely crisp fresh feeling.
Its horrible when your mind is so fuzzy, it can make you despair of ever moving forward.
Its so distressing, you are dealing with so much stress all them until a treatment path that you have confidence in is there for DH.

I just hope tomorrow brings you some information and relief, at least a chance to talk it over fully

It’s just appalling that wait for the operation Scardeycat. Surely it’s a case to take directly to the local MP or even the press?

I didn’t rest much Sweetpeasue the house really was a tip. I did have a break in bed with music. However I didn’t feel under pressure once the point was reached it was half decent in the living room and the trek up tot he loo, (bedroom doors closed so no one can see in)

I’ve stopped generating so many new projects, I am finishing them and making notes of any other ideas. So the ideas still race through my mind but I’m not listening to them so much and prioritising better. There is a pleasure in completing things that had been left for so long - to have a wardrobe of nice clothes, the garden under reasonable control, got a food system sorted so I do eat when I remember.

I’ve got U tube up on the TV and am listening to some of the songs I have posted in BD as well as other music.

It’s been cool here, HVDY! I hope the Pimms helped cool you down. 

How does Jaffa cope with the heat?

Raining here this morning. Oh well we did have a few nice days.
I have to phone up about my car today. It’s an electrical problem I think so my usual garage can’t deal with it.
I hate phoning. Don’t know if it’s because I never had a phone growing up but have never been comfortable with it. Prefer to text or email. Thinking of those with appointments today.
Your quakers sound lovely Wyllow. Yesterday our church was so hot and noisy. Very challenging sermon about forgiveness.

Indeed - hoping for the bast outcome for I think its
Sweetpeasue
Hmmm, Ellie Anne, it sounds like the sermon laid it on a tad heavily - you cannot force forgiveness, it comes in its own good time, like a warm feeling instead of a hurt one.

I agree about phone calls mostly - "having time to think" before replying is better.

I've definitely blurted out some things I've later regretted. Including to nearest and dearest, and dont know later if I said this or that wrong, but I suspect you and I - and others - might just notice and worry more?

This poem was read out in Quakers, yesterday: there was very little that didn't "speak" to me as things are atm: feeling deeply and always, in balancing dark and light, try and choose the light.

Its been a busy but satisfying "getting things done" day so far:

Yes have overdone it, but knowingly, and far less. there is a calmness settled in my heart and its always there to come back to.

How have others days been? It's cooler, which is very nice indeed, and a pleasant breeze, the sun in and out.

I must escape the house: I've run out of bread and milk!

Managed to phone but they can’t see it till next week. Don’t know whether to wait or try somewhere else. Why is everything so complicated?
Went for a walk but felt very weary.

Hi all
HVDY- ooh curry must have warmed you up- but delicious. Your DH sounds like a really good cook.
Hope today has been fun with LG . She,ll miss her playgroup but I,m sure you will give her a happy Summer and make lots of memories.
Pimm’s and lemonade - lovely on a Summer evening. I used to love a Pimm’s - miss having a drink but it doesn’t mix well with AF.
EllieAnne. I don’t think you’re unusual in not enjoying having to make certain phone calls. Texts and Emails can be done slowly on your own and brief too.
The rain will do your garden good- our grass is crispy and crunches when you walk on it !
Nadateturbe- hope you are enjoying your time at the Caravan.
Doodle- it must have felt lovely to be in the peaceful cool Church yesterday. But the heat has been too much hasn’t it. I have a heated steering wheel in my car but you had a DIY one!!
It would have been so nice to have you round to share the roast. While I was getting it served up it was so hot I wondered why I,d ever done it but oh well did enjoy eating it!!
Hope your appointment today at the Fracture Clinic shows an improvement in your wrist. Take care.
SweetPeaSue- I think maybe we should iron our faces instead of the pillowcases!!!😀
It must look beautiful when the sea fog rolls in and then lifts with the Sun. A cooler day hopefully helped you both feel a bit better. Yes drinking water is important but it’s not good to overdo it either.
I hope by now you have had your appointment and didn’t need to strip off- although it’s still hot here so wouldn’t be too bad!
Wyllow- the Quaker meeting sounds so calm ,loving and enveloping. You really had come home.
Yes do listen to your psychiatrist re how you feel about your ex and his possible problems. You have tried so hard to overcome the terrible time you had - stay safe above all things.
I did mention MP to my Sis for her daughter but they are so non pushy it is so frustrating . I love them so much but it’s not wrong to put yourself first sometimes.
Well done with managing your busy mind and doing one thing at a time if possible. It’s actually easier in the end isn’t it.
But I do know that feeling of wanting to do something the minute it enters my head . I love that you have calmness in your heart- you deserve it.

Take care all - those mentioned and all our friends who pop in and outxx

Wyllow3 Jaffa sleeps under the (10ft) trampoline or brick-built barbeque - he's in all night and sleeps either on my bed, or on the kitchen floor, which is tiled. I'm glad you've had a productive day, so far. It was very warm and humid here, then it rained at about 5pm, which was lovely, but didn't last long.

SweetpeaSue and Doodle Hope your hospital appointments went well.

EllieAnne If your car can last ok until next week, perhaps leave it/ But i the problem is affecting the way it drives, you might need to ring a few places.

ScaredyCat LG enjoyed the playgroup. They are going on holiday (again), tomorrow until next Monday night. How about your sister contacting PALS?

How's everyone else been? I'm glad it's a bit cooler. Had my annual review at the doctor's today. BP was 175/103! Ah well, I expect the tablets will be increased. Love to all x

Wyllow Your house must be very tidy and organised by now. Can't put things any better than Scaredycat really. So good to see you looking forward to things and back at Gym and Quakers. Thanks for poem- love poetry. Think there's 2 ways of looking at that one.
Yes, an elderly aunt always cooked dinner at lunch time when I was a child. Have yo say that I don't know anyone who does that now. The 'calmness in your heart' must be so welcome after so long.
Scaredycat If Dr's came up with an easy painless way to iron wrinkles out I'd be first in the queue! We live a fee miles from the sea and on higher land so the fog sometimes doesn't reach us but when it does it can last 2/3 dys. We once walked on the beach in thick fog and we couldn't see the sea or anything around us. Didn't need to strip off at appt. Last time I saw him ( 2019) I was in an hr. Only about 10mins today. Suggested physio which I think will help and more painkillers ( Gabapentin or Pregabalin) which I refused.
HVDY Been cooler here with showers and thunder interspersed with dryer periods. Seems to have cleared the mugginess a little . Your BP is quite high . My DH's has been in the high 160s and yesterday 171 . He's on 3 BP meds so not sure what they're going to do. I understand you not wanting more medication though - where does it stop.
Oh Littlegirloves her playgroups doesn't she.
Doodle Hope your medical appt went well today and your wrists are on the mend.
EllieAnne I don't like making phone call either. I don't think my voice sounds very 'grown-up'. One of DHs friends once thought I was a child at the sound of my voice. I'd much rather speak F2F. Oh I hope you get your car fixed soon- there's always something isn't there?
Nadateturbe Hope you're having a nice time at the caravan.

Consultant was nice today though appt short and sweet. He felt points on my knees ,elbows, shins and wrists ,all of which hurt. Strangely he asked if I got psoriasis on elbows - yes! it started about same time Fibro pains did but not sure what that has to do with it. Elbows get inflamed itchy/scaly. I've to raise dosage of my Amitriptyline and he suggested the Pregabalin types of painkillers. When I told him I didn't want to take them he then said well that's good as you're not supposed to stay on them long. I'm to have Physio. Then filled on a long form in waiting room ticking boxes where the pain was which was every box.
DH went for CT scan this aft. His chest tightness worse .

Hope everyone has a restful pleasant evening. Love to all and those not in or just read.

Evening all.
Sweetpeasue good your appointment went well and I hope the physio helps. DH was on Pregabalin. A very high dose for pain in his legs. Good if you can manage without it.
Pleased your Dh has now had his scan. Hope you get the results soon.
DH was always reminding me to drink more water. I’m dreadful at going ages without any.
HVDY your bps quite high isn’t it. Do you take it at home, is it lower there?
Scaredycat yes the MP is a good idea for your niece. Sadly if you’re not pushy with the NhS then you just get left behind.
Hope she gets treatment soon.
Wyllow our church joins with others locally to walk round our local riverside park. We stop at various points and pray and sing for thankfulness, comfort for the bereaved, the joy of nature etc. It’s about an hour and sometimes other people join us who are just walking in the park.
Ellie Anne I can understand finding emailing or texting easier. Hope you manage to get your car sorted soon.
Got well at the fracture clinic. . All is well just need to build up strength now. Thanks all for asking.

*Elllie Anne*….things can certainly get complicated in this world of ours now, who to ring, do they want a phone calls or or emails….are they palming me off or just disorganised etc..

A few times in the past I have driven to the place I think might best help and be yourself, ie an older woman who needs their help - put in the right way this often reaps rewards.

Making yourself walk is very hard when overburdened and I definitely found it difficult to, and never on my won, you are doing so well, even if it doesn’t feel beneficial.

It’s great to have a cooking DH, HVDY..glad you have one…I recall you love curry. I can imagined the tiled floor is nice and cool, and Jaffa has got his shady spots sorted. Good blood pressure results

Ooo, a heated steering wheel, Scaredycat - and a seat as well? 😉
I thought you might have mentioned the MP to Sis. Sigh. Would they give you permission to act on their behalf?

I actually think she is endangering herself, what do you think? Quiet email to her GP as we suggested to Sweetpeasue?

Sweetpeasue you have been so accurate in your description of my situation, that I hardly need say more except the day continued in this way - in the car, going for an outing where of course Ex and I used to both go, down to the roads past the cafes, the pubs, ..etc..
I felt the gamut of grief and crying but less, manageable, and the high, not so high - it was a lovely drive and stop and I’m making these paces a bit more "mine" and when I came home…it was definitely mine.

Oh, I do spend now and then time going over Ex stuff, and what can I safely do if he is suicidal, but as I said before I will not act without the "OK' from the people that matter in different ways.

I followed your report on the Consultant today Sweetpeasue carefully. Pretty spot on
I agree with his raise in the Amitriptyline, a small raise is benign, and certainly Pregabalin is worth considering if things get worse for a short spell, (an older friend was really greatly helped…)
And getting a physio referral..good…
He really did all the right things things.

I have an idea for DH. Unless it is contra-indicated, have you considered a good (medical) massage?
Relaxes all the relevant muscles in detail (ie includes hands) eases heart area, is calming, one feels better, and so on?

Just loving the rain - as I wrote this, the rain got heavyish, and now the sun is out.....

Sunshine and Showers. Well, we need them both.

Ah we cross posted Doodle.

thank you so much for your description of the prayer walk. I would come myself. I cannot think of anything as appropriate and loving and helpful - nature around, company not pushed on you, the spirit in the beauties of nature - hope there are more.

Have read and thinking of you all. Talk soon.
Hope you all have a peaceful night.xx

Talk soon back, nadateturbe.

SweetpeaSue Glad your appointment went well. I've had both Pregabalin and Gabapentin, first for a shoulder problem, then for my hip - neither made any difference, they made me drowsy and nothing else. Physiotherapy could be the answer. My BP isn't ever that high at home, but the nurse put the cuff on too low and it really hurt and pinched (and I told her). She kept asking me things so I was talking, which isn't correct. It was too hot, as well. Hope your husband will get the scan results soon.

Doodle Will you have physiotherapy? Or have you been given exercises to do at home?

Wyllow3 We enjoyed the rain here, too, at about 4pm, but it only lasted for about 15 minutes. It's cooler this morning, thankfully.

Aqua aerobics and brunch with my friend this morning. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

It's always nice to find you in first thing HVDY it helps start the day off (tho never feel obliged!

I hope you enjoy aqua and your brunch natter.

BD's (and thats all who have come, in the past), I owe you all a great debt of gratitude.
I'll explain.

My diary is so very long, and my psychologist finding it hard to fine the time to read it. And she needs to "summarise" it for The Big Appointment with the (probably the best I've ever had) Psychiatrist which is in 9 days)

I will summarise it without, if I can, changing the overall "narrative" and "impression"

but cut out things like the lyrics for songs or poetry of similar bits where I've just rambled.

So it made me look back over time and realise how far I'd come.

So I did the same with black Dogs, it was a June the 3rd start and in this current Black Dogs.

It didn't just show how I far I had come along, but also the unwavering support of Black Dogs, so I thank you all from the bottom of my heart

By the way - to posters who haven't been in a while - I am not going to be posting more long "essays". They were needful for me to do it for a time, but that is past

So please do come back if you have been put off

I was up till 3, so have a genuine lazy day planned, but of course pushing on with the editing which is now the priority.

HVDY I've found the nurse talking when having BP taken too. The BP band is so very tight and really does hurt.
Hope you've had a nice day and good aqua-aerobics session.
Was offered the other painkillers before but I'm on enough and I'd heard those ones can make you drowsy.
Wyllow Don't worry about writing long posts. Some of mine have probably sounded monotonous . Sure the psychologist can summarise things for the Psychiatrist. Glad you're making those special places your own now though it must have been hard to go back. Now it's forward all the way.
Not sure about the massaging. DH can't bear anything touching his chest and his arm is too painful. Wouldn't want to do the wrong thing but thanks for the suggestion. Hope you had your restful day.

Up at half 2 am until 4 then still couldn't sleep for worrying about DH. Am in 2 minds about holiday- want to have a special time together but don't think he's well enough. Still he wants to chance it so....

Hope everyone's day has been OK. X

HVDY no one’s mentioned physio. I have the list of exercises they gave me when my hand was in a splint. I do know from when I broke my left had roughly what to do. Just hoping it continues to improve.
Wyllow I suggest this carefully but do you think it’s wise to spend time thinking about your Ex. I know you care about him despite everything but I think you’re very vulnerable. A few weeks ago you were just getting by now you seem to be flying. Don’t get me wrong I’m so happy to have semblance of our old Wyllow back but i just don’t want you to go back to the problems you had before. Please don’t put your own well-being in danger,
As for posting long essays, you just post what you like of whatever length. If it helps to write it down then do so.
Sweetpeasue where are you holidaying (sorry if you’ve said). Why not go and take things easy, spend some quality time with your Dh but do relaxing non stressful things.
Ellie Anne any news on your car?
Scaredycat how has your day been. Any rain. Despite two five second showers were still dry here.
We out with DHs best friend and his wife today. Had a really nice time. Lovely people