Black Dog 23

Hi all.
What a horrible day it is today- cold,wet and windy. Spent time chatting to my Sister who has yet another cough and cold. My niece still has no Op date but I,m not surprised after see8ng the news this week. My Sister is very worried for her too as she has had the pacemaker/defibrillator implanted this year also.
Doodle- that was a difficult task for you with the cards- very hard writing those words - it makes it so real.But now they are done - I,m so full of admiration for your brave determination. Now all you have to do is save up for the stamps!!!!
As for the music by the time Xmas is here they will have turned into”ear wallpaper”. Carols are different they are traditional and beautiful.
This year we are going with DD &SiL and GD3 and boyfriend to spend the Xmas Day with GD1 and family. It,ll be crowded and noisy but I feel so lucky that they always include us in things. It,ll be a rest for DD who has done it for a good few years as she has been very stressed this year.
Take care Doodle and hope you enjoy Church tomorrow.
EllieAnne- your house is too cold. It,lltake longer to warm up if it gets much colder. It’s not good for you to be in that temperature. Glad you saw friends even though your heart wasn’t really in it- you had company which we all need.
HVDY- well done to your DiL for the lovely meal- your Son must have been so hungry and I bet little Girl tucked in too.
How lovely that DiL is learning to cook with your Son- that’s so companiable and loving.
That Queen song is emotional anyway so it must absolutely break your heart to be reminded of that awful day. I wish I could cry properly- it just stays inside in my throat and I can’t let it out.
Somewhere there is a pair of boots for you- we need them this weather.
Wyllow- what a shame you,ve lost touch with your Quaker friends- maybe when you feel stronger eh.
What’sApp is so good for keeping in touch with Family isn’t it.
I bet your little GD loves the new cat- hope she’s doing OK.
At least having your cleaner spurs you on to be up and ready for her and also have a bit of a chat.She is the Cleaning Fairy once a week.
Xmas can loom large can’t it. Could you order some cards online or maybe get some when you get your shopping. Most Supermarkets sell them.and you,ll kill 2 birds with one stone.
Have a look at M and S website if you’re up to it . I think you can order Xmas food goodies to be sent to people.
Take care Wyllow - in all our thoughts as usual.
Nadateturbe- what a lovely surprise to see you this morning.i generally look for Wyllow first thing and there you were too!!!!!
So sorry you feel so wretched and I do hope there will be some improvement soon. Big hug coming your way.

Love to all

Too optimistic. Feel rotten.
Hope you're all having as good a day as possible.

A very early good morning everyone. Thanks for your kind thoughts.
Have read back a page or two.
Lovely to read your newsy posts.
But sending hugs and caring thoughts to those not feeling great for different reasons.

Awake with sore throat and pains, so if I'm in bed today, I will try to post.
Think of you all constantly.

Love xx

Sorry you are still boot free HVDY but glad you saw a good dentist - hope the tooth survives as long as it can. Cross fingers for Matalan.

Oh EllieAnne, please dont let yourself get too shivery in your home. I know that “nothing to say” but still well done for the effort with friends.

One Quaker texts me now and then *Scaredycat but I’ve lost touch really. But I keep WhatsApp’s up with the family, they just have got a cat from a family where the cat and dog didnt get on.
I hope you are Ok, yourself, after your lovely caring to others.

You’v done incredibly well there Doodle with the cards. A lot of courage. The hospice is so caring, that people can keep coming when they need to. I dont see a MH worker very often, fortnightly, care worker each week.

My cleaner came today, she comes early, it’s a bit of a strain to get myself together and talk but she is such a help I wouldn’t do it otherwise. Keep putting off anything Christmas cant face it.

Best wishes all BD’s, in, reading or not managing today.

EllieAnne Sorry for misgendering him . Ooh, why don't you have the heating on? Ours is on on at 19-20 degrees, from 8am until 9pm (even when we go out).

ScaredyCat LittleGirl is eating well. DIL has cooked a 3-course meal this evening, to make up for Son2's inability to eat all week. No mean feat for her - by her own admission, she's not much of a cook (he's been teaching her for a year). How's your day been?

Doodle Even to this day, I can't listen to Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" - my brother bought the record the day he died. I used to cry at all the nativity plays my sons were in, and again when Ds were in them. Christmas makes us more emotional, even those of us who aren't recently bereaved. You're doing very well indeed.

Didn't get any boots, so will have a look in Matalan tomorrow. How's everyone else been? x

Well I have written all my Christmas cards for posting including the ones where I had to let people know DH had died.
I’ve been putting it off but decided to do a few and then though why not just finish the job so I have. Just need stamps and I can post them.
Went to hospice for lunch which was nice then home and knitting.
HVDy I’ve not been to the cinema for years either. I gather now they have reclining seats and drinks. I think I would be asleep before the film started.
Your poor family losing your brother so close to Christmas. Must have been so hard giving out presents from him.
Your son’s mouth must have been so sore. Hope he’s feeling better soon.
Glad you got on ok at the dentist. Some carvery’s aren’t that good. The one we have locally seems to do good meals though.
Ellie Anne it’s hard to make small talk when you’re not in the mood. Your house is freezing. I have had my heating on for a while. Mines set at 21 I don’t like the cold.
We have to keep going for our children and grandchildren but I do think you should try some ADs for your depresssion. I hate to think of you feeling so flat all the time. I am miserable a lot but I do have better times. I wish you did too.
Willow i Hope you get some more care soon. Do you see anyone now for counselling or MH team to discuss how you’re doing?
Scaredycat thank you for those words. I am trying to get into Christmas but it’s the music I have a problem with.
You’re so kind to think of me you are such a lovely lady. We’re so lucky to have you on this thread you write such caring words to us all.
Have you plans to be with your family at Christmas?
Sweetpeasue your poor DH in pain like that. Hope it settled down. Yes I understand not sleeping through worry. Hope you both have a better night tonight.

Hi all
HVDY- Jaffa sounds so like my DD older rescue cat who would eat all day if he could. Like Jaffa he was a stray so - but unlike Jaffa he has a voice that would raise the dead and boy does he use it!!
Oh those huge blisters your poor Son has really suffered with HFM. Glad Little Girl has recovered and hope she is eating well again.
Yes those Xmas “ expectations “ put such pressure on. So sad for your family to lose your brother near to Christmas . Terrible for your Mum.
Hope you got your boots today.
Doodle- this is a difficult time for you- you’re crying because you’re sad. You’re sad because your beloved is no longer by your side. It is hard that first Christmas - the way I coped was to make Xmas as good as I could . Many people are feeling bereft from your loss and so the family will need a few days to not only talk of Xmas past but also celebrate a life well lived and a man who sounds as though he had a zest for life.
It was not a horrible thing to say- just an understandable feeling of times lost , nostalgic songs everywhere and some days it seems insurmountable.
Think of you every day Doodle and when you have a good day enjoy it - you deserve some kindness from life.
SweetPeaSue- Oh your poor DH- that must have scared you in the middle of the night.
Pleased you had some time with your Son - your early Christmas Day sounds like something to look forward to.
I expect your GS is getting exited .
Your Grommit is so lovely- you make such sweet faces. That’s a really nice hobby for you - what next?
Hope you can get out tomorrow and the pain stays away.
Wyllow- well done sorting the plumber. I hate things to do with plumbing it always panics me.
Please try not to let previous hurts and abuse stop you getting close and trusting people again. Do you ever hear from your Quaker friends?
It doesn’t matter that you don’t have much news when you talk to your family- they must be pleased just to hear your voice and that you re doing what you can.
Many younger people are all about doing and don’t always want to talk about “feeling” things. Enjoy their news if you can - it’s just being in their lives and feeling included.
You are an interesting and clever person and have much to offer. We all want to see our Old Wyllow back and enjoying life againxx

Nadateturbe,Candy, Whiff, EllieAnne, Nanny,Allsorts, and all posters and just reading have the best weekend you can.

Cat is a boy Hvdy. Got him from cats protection when he was a kitten.
Met friends this morning for coffee but I couldn’t be bothered. One of them said I was quiet but there was nothing to say. Ordered a few things off Amazon. House is really cold 15.8 but don’t want to put the heating on too early.

EllieAnne Your cat is of a similar age to mine. Have you had her from being a kitten? Our 1st cat was a kitten, which I found in a bad thunderstorm. All others were adults from rescue centres, then Mr Cooper and Jaffa were strays. Your family all need you, so yes, you must keep on keeping on, as Wyllow3 puts it.

Wyllow3 I went to a show shop today, still didn't get any boots. Yes, Jaffa is always with me or waiting to sit on me . He stayed on my bed all last night. I hope the plumbing problem was sorted out ok. Don't you talk with your family about what you've read/programmes you've seen/the news/weather?

Had a dentist appointment this morning, saw a different lady (much better than the usual one I see, actually), had a x-ray, scale & polish, and she wants to see me in 3 months about this sensitive tooth (been like it for 4 months now). Picked up a couple of things I'd ordered from a toy shop, then DH and I went for a carvery (disappointing but he scoffed it down him ). Hope ALL BDers have been ok x

I’m glad LittleGirl is better now HVDY but it’s a tough time for Son2. Goodness, Jaffa has come on leaps and bounds. Sorry you didnt get your boots today, and hope you find some tomorrow.

Well done for staying awake, Scaredycat and liked the film. I cant recall when I went to a cinema, comfort has definitely moved on.

Oh Sweetpeasue. I’m so sad to hear DH was in such pain in the night he cried. Very upsetting. You did well to get on with the housework: so glad you saw your son and a good catch up. Your Gromit is delightful, you’ve real talent with the little figures.

I hope your cat likes a cuddle, EllieAnne. I do understand what you say about family and keeping on keeping on x

Won’t ignore you, Doodle, but give you a big hug instead! Of course it’s the Christmas stuff making you worse, am the same, different reasons. There are no “shoulds” about feelings tho xxx

Oh yes - the gap between what we “ought” to feel and how Christmas actually is…could write an essay!

It was a day in with a plumber emergency which was sorted on the phone but possibly only temporary, see tomorrow. No phone call re more caring support yet. Yes, *Scaredycat I am frightened to get close because of loss and hurt. I WhatsApp my sis everyone and then but don’t talk. My family tend to talk about what they’ve done not how they feel, and I have nothing to report and they do.

Love grommit.
Think my cat is nine . He’s friendly when he feels like it.
I’m not good but the thought of children and grandchildren keep me going.

ScaredyCat Glad you enjoyed the film. I haven't been to the cinema for a few years/ The last film was "Joker". I used to like the cinema years ago when the lady came round in the interval, selling ice creams from a tray thing round her neck. Son2 rang me just now, the first time he's been able to talk since Saturday. He said the blisters in his mouth were the size of 5p pieces. He eats healthily, is slim (not like DH and me).

EllieAnne I think Jaffa is greedy because he's never been used to having such an abundance of food. He follows me around, wherever I go (it's quite irritating) but I think it's because he sees me a his food supply. How have you been today?

Doodle All this Christmas stuff on tv, in magazines, in shops, everywhere, is bound to make things difficult for you. I remember how it was when my brother died all those years ago in December - my mum had bought presents for him, and I had to distribute them to his friends (all at the same place I worked at). The "expectation" is that people are happy and united at Christmas, which isn't always the case. I think it's mad, all this for what is really only one day.

SweetpeaSue Nice that you had a catch-up with your son today. Is that the son who works on the rigs? I love the knitted Grommit. Very cute.

How has everyone else been? I didn't manage to get any boots today, so will look elsewhere tomorrow. I did some online shopping, got a few more presents sorted, and bought all the nice family cards, plus presents for the Grandcats (3 of them) and GrandDog. x

Sweetpeasue love your Grommit . Really good.
Not having a good day today. Not been this bad in the evening before. Ignore me I’m feeling sorry for myself, x

Here he is.

Wyllow So good for you to get out for that walk and I hope it was bright and not to icy.
I hope you can get the extra help - it could make a big difference but I know one part of you wants to push on and another says what's the point. Also, what Scaredycat says again could be very true ,in that you're afraid of being hurt again.
Hope today you've managed to get through on your own. X
HVDY Jaffa has very healthy appetite now. Think I'd be with him on the liver ,but know it's 'good for you'. Very expensive one too!
I think Christmas is always bittersweet when we think of those once round the table. Natural really but unavoidable.
Hope you found some nice boots today. Just the weather for them.
Doodle You are so helpful and I know you understand the worry I have about DH. Perhaps I'm less trustful about decisions made when we know they can't treat every patient as they'd like to , often no fault of their own - just long waiting lists. How have you been today? I've done nothing for Christmas yet apart from the few knitted figures. I did get some Christmas cards. Hope you like Grommit.
Scaredycat I'm not really a fast knitter- those have been knitted a while now. My little step granddaughter liked the snowman best ,in the magazine, so I plan on that being for her. But I think the head looks too long- so now I'm doing another 1 ! 😩 Every Christmas those carols get to me. They feel really spiritual but somehow sad at the same time. Too beautiful not to be moved.
EllieAnne Hope you get lots of affection from your own little cat. I'm sure you give him the very best of care and a good home. You must be very attached to him, is he very old?

Changed bed and did bit of ironing.
DH woke me in the night crying out in pain - he gave me such a shock - thought he was having a heart attack. Turned out he'd stretched his bad knee or something! Couldn't sleep after that for worry.
Had nice catch up with son this afternoon at his house. He'll be working this Christmas so is doing Christmas dinner early, beg of December and invited us.

Love to all BDs and hoping all of you in or reading are OK.

Willow it must be so hard for you. Finding something to lift you out of this despair. I’m glad you did the walk though. I, sure it must help even if only a little.
HVDY I don’t think I have felt as bad as this in a while. It’s a horrid thing to say but seeing all the jolly Christmas stuff just makes me feel worse, I should have had a good day today doing things I enjoy,. Went to art class, came home and cried. Went to bereavement group, came home and cried. Now I should be sitting here relaxing with a glass of wine and I’m still crying. Don’t know what’s the matter with me today.
Your son has been so ill. That’s a lot of weight to lose. Is he feeling better now?
Scaredycat thank you for helping. It’s good to think that better days will come. Glad you enjoyed the film and managed to stay awake.
The shawl usually takes me a few months. I tend to knit only in church group which is once a month. I have started doing some at home but only recently.
Ellie Anne your cat is well looked after too. Also a very good looking cat from what I remember. Are you feeling any better?
It’s hard to pick yourself up when you’re down.
Sweetpeasue do hope your DH improves soon. I know you’re worried and feel powerless to help. It’s not good for either of you to be so worried.

Hvdy my cat would eat all day if he could. He has a pouch morning and evening and dry food available all day. He gets a treat at night before he goes out and loves liver.

Hi all
HVDY- we did enjoy the cinema thank you - and stayed awake!
The new film is about the Son of the Russell Crowe character. A very different actor but I liked him and the follow up story.
My DH loves the purple QS - one year one of our GDs got him a whole tin of them- happy days.
That’s a lot of weight your Son has lost in a short time- but at least he can go for it at Christmas!
Hope you get some nice boots today.
SweetPeaSue- yes we need to see Grommit- you are a fast knitter!
I hope,the inhaler helps DH and it is certainly worth a try. Such a long wait for the Vascular appointment. It’s beyond frustrating and so many people are in similar situations which of course doesn’t help you both.
Good for persevering with Book Club - it’s good for you to be with other people and have something else to occupy your mind for a while. Hope today is pain free for you.
Doodle- so sorry you were upset by the music- very hard for you as it is everywhere at the moment. The carols in Church will be lovely though but bittersweet too. Sadness is all enveloping , your mind will adjust but it takes time - not mad- sad.
Oh those reclining cinema seats . I wanted to take mine home with me. Unbelievably comfy. It’s our old multi screen cinema tarted up but such a treat.
I agree it was so much easier when all the family were younger to know what to get.
The next shawl colour combination sounds beautiful- how long do they take to make? I hope you have had company today - and kept warm. Wish you lived near I,d be round for a cuppa
Wyllow- glad you were able to get out and hope your worker can help get some back up for you .
I think your go/ don’t go conflict is that you are afraid to get too close to anyone as you are afraid to lose them and then get hurt yet again. Take a leap of faith - she understands you and sounds just what you need.
How is your sister ? Have you spoken to her at all?
Love to all and keep warm everyone.

SweetpeaSue LittleGirl is fine now, thanks, but is staying with Mum today. Son2 has lost almost a stone since having the H,F&M. Sorry to hear about your husband still not being well. It is frustrating about things in the NHS. The inhaler is certainly worth a try. It might help.

Doodle I think Christmas, and all its sentimentality, stirs up emotions, even more so when one is grieving. I felt tearful yesterday just thinking of my mum, and she died in 1995. No, the purple ones have gone . DH doesn't like those, not the orange ones, so they're mine and he can have all he others.

Wyllow3 I'm glad you managed to get out yesterday. A bit of fresh air will do you good. I hope you get some back-up over Christmas.

Jaffa is eating us out of house and home - 6 foil tray things of cat food plus a whole tin of salmon yesterday! I'll have to somehow cut that down. He didn't like the liver I'd cooked (I can't blame him). Going to look for knee-length boots today, and take some stuff to the charity shop. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Evening all (well, last thing). Very tired. I've caught up with your days and whats been happening.

Yes, Doodle, you're not alone "feeling like that".

Walk in Botanical Gardens with care worker, we have to try to get some back up. It...well, it doesn't change my state of mind really but it does help a bit. I have a push away/ then/dont go conflict!

Hugs to all, be in to chat tomorrow.

night night all BD's xx

Doodle Thankyou so much for understanding
The only med he's started is a statin ( no breathlessness side effects mentioned) and the Prednisone, again no side effects of breathlessness. Alendronic Acid ( because of steroids).
Will take a pic of Gromit for you.
The colours- pinks and purple- sound gorgeous. Beautiful combo!

Sweetpeasue I can understand your total frustration with the NHS. It’s not just frustration but worry and concern for your DH’s health and well-being. I suppose the inhaler is worth a try. Just as a thought, has your DH taken any new medication sometime before he started wheezing.? Check the side effects from any new meds and see if wheezing or breathlessness is one.
I’ve just remembered DH had a medicine last January (started with a v but can’t remember what it was). We spent ages going to the asthma nurse trying all sorts of treatment. I read up about side effects and breathlessly was one of them. Within 24 hours of stopping the medication his breathing returned to normal. I just thought I’d mention it in case you DH has started anything new.

Went into a shop to buy some plastic boxes today. They were playing some a Christmas music so I had to leave. Cant bear it.
Candy strange thing about sadness is that it casts a sort of anxiety over everything. Sometimes I think I’m going mad but I think a lot of people feel like that.
Our family like Victoria sponge. I haven’t baked anything for such a long time. My mum used to make lovely fairy cakes with buttercream in them. Haven’t thought about that for ages. Thank you for triggering a memory.
Willow glad you’ve got the care worker tomorrow. It helps a lot to have someone you can talk to.
Scaredycat I have heard about these new style cinemas with reclining chairs. I would definitely fall asleep.
No I wasn’t really Christmas shopping I just took a friend who couldn’t get there herself, she enjoyed her day and I enjoyed the company,
Glad you got to photography. Good you can use your picture library too.
HVDY thank you. Don’t know how I’d get by without company to be honest. I really need to do some Christmas shopping too. No idea what to get. It gets so much more difficult when they’re older.
I love quality street. Have you got any of the purple ones left?
Sweetpeasue thank you for your kind words. I’m glad you like the shawl. The next one is shades of purple and pink.
Can we see your Gromit ?

Scaredycat Aw you once had a Retriever- how lovely. We used to look after son's Lab - very much like Retrievers , so gentle. Hope you enjoy the film -and stay awake. Is it a standard cinema- I didn't realise they had recliner seats now!
HVDY You must have had a fair bit of snow there . We had ours this morning and it's starting to melt now. A poor lady fell in our high St on the snowy pavement- an ambulance was there. Someone had supplied a duvet, poor soul must have been freezing.I hope she was OK. Oooh your son's mouth must be so sore.Hope he gets rid of the blisters soon . Is Littlegirl any better?
Wyllow I couldn't remember which carer it was that you get on with better with. Hopefully tomorrow you can have a better chat and, crossed fingers, you can get out for that walk. It's been so cold you'll need your thermals on and everything else you can find! It's strange how we can somehow 'gel' with some people immediately and never make that close connection with others. As Scaredycat has said - no one will be expecting a lot from you this Christmas , I'm sure, but hope the care worker can help .
Doodle I've not started with Christmas cards yet but I can imagine how very hard it must be to even think of it this year. Can only echo Scaredycat's words about how proud your DH would be of you trying so very hard to keep going.
The colours in your shawl were very autumnal - I'm sure it must have took quite a while to do. I've just finished the Gromit.The pattern said to sew up head seam-- it then said attach eyes-- but the eyes had a back that needed to be attached inside! Had to sew some instead. Warm hug for you this evening.
Candy Nice to see you in. Hope you managed that sleep- you sounded like you really needed it after all that housework. Funny how some dogs don't mind snow and others are different - a bit like water. We see that on the beach where some make a bee line for the sea.
EllieAnne Thinking of you and sending love and a hug. Wish I could help. Hope your present worries are a little lighter.
NadateturbeWhiff**Allsorts and many others who aren't in - just wishing you well and sending love.

Don't feel up to posting much as still worried about DH. Saw GP about breathlessness and wheeze . He wondered if it was infection but we said no he's had this 3mths. He mentioned could be COPD - he's absolutely NO productive cough! He's given DH an inhaler for 2 weeks then he's to have Spirometer test. I still think it's to do with the Subclavian Steal thing as his breathing was fine before. He really needs to be seen by Vascular as GP can't treat his BP until they tell him how to deal with it
After last Vascular appt , which was useless, GP referred him and he's to wait till end of January for that.
Been to book group. Just feeling so frustrated with NHS system.

Doodle They say time is a healer. I suppose it's not really true, it's just that one adjusts to carrying on without the person they've lost. There's no easy way to get through grief. I'm glad you seem to have company most days.

Candy6 I made some chocolate muffins (then we had 2 each). You did well to clean the house from top to bottom. I can't do that nowadays, so just clean when it looks as though it needs doing (downstairs quite often). I cleared a path in the garden for Jaffa but he wasn't interested in going out. Cats don't usually like the snow. One of our previous cats used to enjoy jumping about in it.

Wyllow3 It's a pity you were unable to go out, but not worth risking slipping and falling in this weather. Hope your carer tomorrow might be able to go somewhere with you.

ScaredyCat It IS perfectly normal to speak to pets in a baby tone , and they like it. I tell Jaffa he's my pretty boy (he's unusual-looking with funny eyes but I love him). Hope you enjoy the cinema later, you'll have to give us your verdict. Don't doze off . I loved the Russell Crowe original Gladiator film.

DH and I went to B&M earlier, got some stocking filler bits and pieces for the grandchildren, and a main present for GD1, then we had a late lunch at the pub and some Quality Street when we got home. Hope ALL BDers have been ok today x