Son’s girlfriend diagnosed with BPD

Sorry I thought you meant bipolar disorder, not borderline personality disorder. Apologies

I understand how shocking it must have been to receive such a message and surely the first thing is to speak to your son.
I do have some experience about this. My daughter in law has BPD, diagnosed some time ago. She is a university lecturer and is currently pregnant with our first grandchild and she is also studying for her doctorate. Many people withBPD live happy and fulfilling lives if they take care of themselves.
I do hope that this is resolved quickly and happily.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder - worth reading this if you haven't already. I have experience of this in the wider family. The person created drama and discord wherever they went (now deceased). Eventually, all sympathy for their condition evaporated. Sadly, your son's girlfriend will blow him out eventually. Just try to keep the communication channels open and the temperature down. Sometimes as a parent, you just have to be there and wait for things to change.

I can't remember the names but there have been two tv documentaries about coersive controlling behaving by women of male partners. Both women isolated the men from family and friends. Very upsetting but if you can watch them it might give you some insight if this is occurring.My wife, my abuser channel 5 is one. The earlier one was even more chilling. Hoping your son is not in this situation.

Our youngest DiL has all the symptoms of Complex B Personality Disorder. She is manipulative, controlling and has isolated our son from his family. She has also stopped the family seeing their young children. This has nearly broken us as a family. We have had long ranting text from our son's phone but the phraseology and words used are hers. We are powerless and it has made DH and I ill and affected other members of the family.

Esmay

Hi Cossy .
Have a Google - all is explained .
Wishing you and your daughter resolution and happiness for the future .

Thank you so much, I have googled and of course you are correct. Maybe her psychiatrist felt it was too complex to explain and she’s been referred for DBT and is taking anti psychotic meds.

Thanks again and for your good wishes.

As they say, every day’s a classroom! Always good to learn

I assumed you meant bipolar disorder.

In answer to your question, my friend with this condition is never controlling and doesn't push away her partner's family.

I know another friend's bipolar daughter is quite hard work but I don't think controlling is part of the condition.

My best advice is talk to your son, direct. Arrange to meet up, just the two of you.

Be ready to listen to whatever he has to say to you... The girlfriend has BPD but there is no way of knowing yet if this text is related to that or not.

I would strongly advise not blaming the girlfriend or her diagnosis in any way speaking to your son, as this may damage your relationship. Find out where he stands and work from that

Blis nothing will be straightforward, an emotional roller coaster, for the person concerned and the one with them. I couldn’t cope living with someone with it all the time, you never know what happens next. You need to speak to your son, I don’t know how far away you live , it might not be possible to go and see him for some reason. Most partners would inform the partners mother in the circumstances, it wouldn't have taken long.

Hi Cossy .
Have a Google - all is explained .
Wishing you and your daughter resolution and happiness for the future .

RunaroundSue

If this was my son and he had just had an operation, I would go and visit him and see if there was anything I could do to help. That is what a good mum does. You could then hear it from the horses mouth and know what is going on.

You do need to know that it is him that is texting you and not her.

It sounds like the son did not want that - for whatever reason. Otherwise he’d have told her about it.

You can be a good mother without mothering when your grown child is sick and has a partner

RunaroundSue

If this was my son and he had just had an operation, I would go and visit him and see if there was anything I could do to help. That is what a good mum does. You could then hear it from the horses mouth and know what is going on.

You do need to know that it is him that is texting you and not her.

Get you, 'mother of the year' 🙄.....Harsh and judgemental post....I live thousands of miles from my son....maybe op does too ....or too far away to just 'pop in'

I would try to speak to your son. Whichever type of BPD she has, he is going to need your support in the future if he stays with her.. it could be a very rocky ride..

RunaroundSue

If this was my son and he had just had an operation, I would go and visit him and see if there was anything I could do to help. That is what a good mum does. You could then hear it from the horses mouth and know what is going on.

You do need to know that it is him that is texting you and not her.

Hmmm! We don't know the OPs circumstances; whether visiting is even feasible. There are many ways of being a "good mum" and it isn't measured by visiting/not visiting!

Esmay

Cossy -
There are several types of Borderline Personality Disorder .
The classifications are complex .

Thanks, I stand corrected. I was with my daughter and her psychiatrist, that’s not quite how described it. He stated there were many types of Personality Disorder of which BPD is one.

Don't imply that she isn't a good mum without knowing her circumstances I agree GSM.

Cossy -
There are several types of Borderline Personality Disorder .
The classifications are complex .

Borderline, bipolar?

Anyway, your son chooses to be with her, given her diagnosis

He could have messaged you a day or two after the operation, assuming the operation and recovery went well.

Esmay

It sounds like your son's girlfriend is sending you these very unpleasant texts . If she is sending them - then he has to do something about it .
You haven't said which type of BPD .
Sadly , I notice this Cuckoo mentality is quite frequent .
I hope that the situation resolves happily for all of you .

What do you mean what type of BPD?? Borderline Personality Disorder is one of many Personality Disorders.

My daughter has BPD, she’s 23. It’s an awful mental health condition and she’s had “issues” with it since she was 14, finally getting a diagnosis, medication and referral for DBT.

“ Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a disorder of mood and how a person interacts with others. It's the most commonly recognised personality disorder.

In general, someone with a personality disorder will differ significantly from an average person in terms of how he or she thinks, perceives, feels or relates to others.

Symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD)

The symptoms of BPD can be grouped into 4 main areas:

emotional instability – the psychological term for this is affective dysregulation
disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – cognitive distortions or perceptual distortions
impulsive behaviour
intense but unstable relationships with others”

It doesn’t make people “horrible” or “controlling” nor has my daughter ever tried to come between her partner of 3 years and her family.

It is a very difficult and serious mental health issue.

Do they live together? Surely you could give your son a ring to ask how he is?

Surely you can contact your son to see how he is and ask him the reason for the text.

Maybe the girlfriend told him that she had informed his mother of his illness Jax. We don’t know how far away the OP lives RS, and whether she is able to travel. Don’t imply that she isn’t a good mum without knowing her circumstances.

If this was my son and he had just had an operation, I would go and visit him and see if there was anything I could do to help. That is what a good mum does. You could then hear it from the horses mouth and know what is going on.

You do need to know that it is him that is texting you and not her.

Whilst appendicitis is painful, it’s usually a relatively straightforward op, I’m surprised your son didn’t text you soon after his op? A week is a long time.