Am I depressed

In case Travelsafar doesn't see this reopened thread. She loves the flat and is moving in before Christmas. She added her news and some comments to another thread. Sorry I cannot remember the title.

Hi Travelsafar,
Just wondering how the flat viewing went and what decision you made?

I am so thankful for this thread travelsofar.

I lost DH, of 51 years, almost 3 years ago and on the face of it, doing quite well.

Still in the huge family house but have plans to make a move fairly soon. I had an interesting chat to the estate agent who came to do a valuation recently . She told me I was not alone as many of her clients were in a similar position but that it would take a weight off my mind once I found the right place to move to
I suggested she could be a counsellor and she agreed.

It doesn't sound as though you are depressed rather overwhelmed by having to make big decisions alone, missing DH and missing your good health youth
My DC and my good friends are kind but busy and don't want to force me into decision making.
I hope you do like this flat being offered. I can feel the pressure you must be under. Common sense over years of happy memories.

My husband died 2 years ago too. I still miss and talk to him every day. You are still probably grieving, it’s a long process especially if you were married a long time. Be kind to yourself and try to be objective about a possible move. Hard I know. I’ve made major decisions about house repairs recently. I know he would not have approved but I have to try to build a life without him.

I haven’t been a member of Gransnet for long but following this thread has made me realise how wise, caring and genuine you are - hope you find contentment travelsafar

You are grieving for your husband and this will come in waves. Physical disability and chronic pain can affect your mental health and really get you down. I have felt much more positive since I had an op earlier this year which has greatly reduced my chronic mobility problem. I would suggest asking your doctor about different medicines, referral to a specialist, etc.
I agree November is a very dismal month. I struggle hugely with Remembrance weekend as my LH was a soldier and have shed many tears this week. I also struggle to make decisions and to do simple tasks like organise an electrician. Some days I even dread opening the post though I have no reason to worry what it may contain. I try to tell myself the things I have managed to do each day eg ordered some Christmas gifts, attended the Remembrance service, hugged my son, completed two crosswords, etc. It is very easy to be hard on yourself and feel you are trudging through treacle. Sometimes if all you manage is getting out of bed, having a shower and reading a book then that's okay as you have achieved something. Baby steps.

Dear travelsafar,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, and it sounds like you have a lot of other things to contend with at the same time. There is no right nor wrong in the way we grieve - it's a personal journey and although we often experience similar feelings to others who are grieving, it is different for us all, and goes through different stages in no set order.

You are also dealing with your loss of mobility and, if I understand rightly (?), you have chronic pain associated with the lost of mobility? In my own experience (and from working with others with chronic pain), bereavement, grief, upset, or any stress will make your physical pain symptoms worse and add to your feeling of overwhelm and trouble making decisions. Be kind to yourself, pamper yourself in any way you can, and realise how well you are doing. These are major changes and it sounds like you are doing all the right things by getting out and doing seated classes. But also its OK to allow yourself to curl up and spend time by yourself when you feel the need. It's part of the healing process.

If you do decide to see your GP he or she will almost certainly offer you counselling sessions (or similar), which you may find helpful and someone else here mentioned CRUISE which is also great. I have found that mindfulness, breathing and meditation practice, have helped to reduce my chronic pain and stress levels so this might be another thing to look for and there are many groups online now and self guided meditations. I hope this helps - sending a virtual hug!

We have lived in the same town for almost 50 years and sometimes I find the memories too much. Moving here as newly married, our first home. Babies growing up, off to the local school. Then before we knew it leaving home.

And here we are still. The house needs a lot doing to it as does the garden. My husband is in very poor health and the future is uncertain. I think we should have moved a few years ago....but we just didnt know where we wanted to go. Where we are is midway between both DC. I think I will be the one to move and I will need to move away as I know the memories will weigh heavily.

I have stayed in a very large, expensive to run house and garden since my husband died over 20 years ago. It’s hard work looking after it both physically and financially but it is home and all my lovely memories are here and comfort me. What if I moved, no memories to recall. It’s not worth the risk to me to sell up and move. If I lived in a council property it might be easier as I would be offered a home, it’s overwhelming for me to have to do it all myself.

forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/grief-and-loss/bd-p/c1-sc4-b4

This is an Australian site. Which may be of interest. I have used it in the past for depression.

I think it is perfectly normal to feel sad and overwhelmed by life events. The flat sounds ideal. I know it will be a wrench for you to move but it is so much easier to do it now, whilst you still can - rather than leaving it too late I hope talking about it here has helped you

My husband died just over 3 years ago. First year was shock, second year was acceptance, third year was looking forwards not backwards. I downsized at the end of year 2. Yes, it was sad leaving the house we’d lived in for 33 years, but it was too big for me. I’m now in a cosy 2-bedroom house which I have made into a comfy home just for me. Your possible flat sounds lovely, and ideal for your needs. I think it will give you some motivation to move, you can keep busy making your new home just the way you want it. I still feel sad sometimes, but have accepted that I will always live alone now, so need to make my home feel safe and comfortable. I’m increasingly happy just staying at home; I go to a few groups, but don’t go out at night much.

I don’t think you’re depressed, just going through the natural process of grieving for your partner. If it’s any help, I felt I’d really turned a corner after 3 years, it seemed like the end of my mourning time.

I feel for you, travelsafar. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Grief takes many forms, there is no correct way do it and there is no time span for its duration. Also, don’t be afraid to open up to others about your feelings, they are there for you. I’m sure if the situation were reversed, and someone opened up to you about how difficult they were finding some things, you would help willingly.

I understand your hesitation regarding the house move. I imagine it’s the home you shared for so long with you DH, so therefore is full of memories and pulls. However, our memories remain with us, in our heart, wherever we go; and hard though it will be to move, you have to consider your future well being. At the moment you can probably cope with the house you’re in, but soon this may be more difficult?
The good thing about the flat is that it is still close to the things important to you - family, friends, amenities; so it won’t be the wrench it could be.

Don’t be rushed into a decision, though, but listen to that little voice in your head, and follow that. Once you’ve seen the flat, you’ll be in a better position to reach a decision about it. Is there someone you could discuss it with?

I wish you well.

Travelsafar I’ve read your response to Bikergran. I think you have stated the obvious and nearly answered your own question about moving. 👍🏼

Getting to that decision is the hardest part of that journey. But I believe you are nearly there - to a new phase of your life that will offer you security, comfort and the ability to still live on your own terms, you’ll have your old friends and make new ones.

Your husband would be proud of you that you are reasonable and taking good care of yourself!

You won’t be losing in this change, I think you will gain from this change.

Good luck to you in reaching your goals.
USA Gundy

Depression is a horrible thing. I hope you’ve taken some comfort from all the positive messages on here. Sending hugs to you. 💐

I would say I am feeling low in mood this weekend. I miss my mum, dad, sisters and friends who have passed away over the years. Remembrance Day is difficult for many people. It's also not helped.by dark nights short days and Christmas looming, Try and keep busy with something you enjoy doing. Depression is soul destroying but can pass with time and effort.

I am just the same as you- grieving for my son who died suddenly 2 years ago from sepsis. and in a lot of arthritic pain. Maybe you need to speak to your doctor. You're keeping active which is good but I think you should be honest about how you feel with your friends and especially family. Best wishes. x

Oh knspol I feel your anxiety. You are grieving and have lost confidence in yourself right now. It will return I’m sure and then you can make choices based on facts and not just feelings. Take lots of photographs that bring you pleasure when you look around your home. Things that won’t mean anything to anybody else - the way the sunlight falls across a kitchen table for example, a deep scrape on a doorframe from when you both made a mess manoeuvring a table into a room. You get my drift. These pics are for YOU and you will take them to a new place along with all the memories you hold in your heart. They will always travel with you.
💐

You can self refer for talking therapies and may be good to chat with someone neutral who can assess if you are. Sounds like you have been through a lot recently and it’s natural to feel like this . x

I lost my husband nearly 5 years ago. It wasn’t a match made in heaven so I didn’t really grieve for him. Then in 2021 I had a breakdown and am slowly getting over it with the help of a lot of medication and counselling.
I would suggest looking for some bereavement counselling firstly but if that doesn’t help go to your GP and see if they will prescribe anti depressants. Be warned that many GPs are not very au fait with mental health and are too keen on just prescribing pills. If you get no joy ask if you can be referred to your local Adult Mental Health team
who are better at dealing with mental
health.
You are doing all the right things, getting out, socialising etc but you might just need a helping hand at the moment. I do hope things improve for you

I hope you will feel happier when you have made the decision either to move, or not to.

I don't know whether you are depressed or not, but I am sure you are still grieving for your husband, which is only natural.

But please do make an appointment with your gp - you should not need to battle with controling your pain yourself - it is your doctor's job to have some sensible solutions both with regards to controlling the pain and with coming to terms with your loss of mobility, which cannot be easy.

The statements on this thread resonate so much with me. I live in the country in a large house with a very big garden and lost my DH 18 mths ago. I have started to have mobility problems too and know that really I should move to downsize but the thought of leaving the house we bought together and thought of as our dream home is just too much to bear. I haven't even been able to dispose of any of DH's personal belongings so how can I bear to leave his home? I also think I've made some decisions in the last 18 mths that were the wrong ones and feel I've let him down over these little things so how can I make such a huge decision on my own. Sounds pathetic I know.

Thinking of you, now and next week.
When you go and view the flat you should know if you feel OK about moving there. Hopefully there may be some familiar faces.
Hope you have support with the move if you decide it’s right for you.
Life certainly isn’t easy when you live alone, emotionally and practically.

Sometimes just doing ‘ something’ can lift us. Hope you find the strength to make your decision. You are not alone … we are all here to listen x

One of the important things about a move is to be able to maintain social contacts and make new ones - when you live alone this is so important. I hope that you will be able to make the right decision for you.