Black Dog 19

Wyllow- night night and hope that you can get some restorative sleepxxx

Sweetpeasuehmm I see what you mean. Not the easiest thing. Is this one of the videos you’ve watched? www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=VO833j8OV38&t=37

Evening all. Another lazy day here although I have cleaned both bathrooms, tidied the lounge and done some washing. Had online delivery so didn’t bother going to shops. Got my Covid jab in town tomorrow so will pick up anything else I need then.
Fishwife just to say if you’re still reading then please pop in. We’d still like to hear how you’re getting on.
Whiff good to have you posting still. You just carry on as you have been. It’s a very interesting story and Ive read it all. What a lot you’ve been through. As you know I’m not sure what’s going on with my heart at the moment. It’s all a bit erratic. Very low pulse followed by normal. Low BP followed by high BP. I too can feel tired walking around sometimes. I am wearing DHs Apple Watch over the weekend which will record all my heart activity and then I can tell the GP on Monday (if I get a chance). I’m taking my Bp too. Might be thyroid problems though.
Ellie Anne hoping you have a good weekend meeting up with someone. I know you’re deeply upset about something and wish we could help but we are thinking of you x
HvDY just been though all this with DH and high heart rate now it’s me with a slow one. Funny how we all have our quirks.
Seems a shame your Neurologist now decides you shouldn’t have taken the steroids after all that time being on them when he wouldn’t take your calls. Not heard of Nortriptyline but assume it’s some sort of pain killer. How is the rash at the moment?
Sorry you are feeling poorly. Sounds like you’ve gone down with this bug going around. Hope you feel better soon.
Scaredycat no not got appointment yet. I have a GP I like and she’s on duty Monday so I’m hoping if I phone at 8am I might get to speak to her.
Glad you find the ADs help. Anxiety is awful to deal with if it carries on. Funny that now your AF is all the time you don’t worry so much about having an attack. Does that help do you think? Hope you get on well with the cardiologist Monday. Is it someone you’ve seen before?
So pleased to hear about your DH. That must be a relief.
I love pansies too. Their little faces are so sweet. I like the little tiny ones as well.
Sweetpeasue not come across wrap one stitch yet. I will have a look and see what it’s like. Do you have to cast off the stitches round the neck or could you put them on safety pins so you can pick them up better when doing the neck. I must confess I am awful at that and doing button hole bands.
Blueberry muffins are supposed to be good for you….well the blueberries anyway.
Hope you’re still ok and the pain of this morning doesn’t come back.
Sign me up for knit and napper too please.. right up my street 🤣🤣🤣
Wyllow hoping you are gaining some strength in mind and body xx

Doodle I hope you get to see the doctor soon. That's concerning having such a low pulse. I feel really tired a lot and mine sits mostly around 60. I've just googled and hypothyroidism can cause low systolic.
Your repetitive dream does indeed sound depressing, like you are struggling. I hope you get help soon with your tiredness, and are able to enjoy walks again..
Those colours sound bright, have you managed to start?
Scaredycat my best friend has constant AF, especially when walking up slopes. She has had tests, but isn't getting treatment, just lives with it. I suppose as you say, at least you're not waiting for it. Good news about your husbands ultrasound, good luck for yours on Monday, try not to think ahead too much.

HVDY The neurologist seems to have been pretty thorough and taking care to monitor you. Fingers crossed you don't get any of those symptoms. Why do you not want Nortryptiline? I thought they were similar to amitriptyline and helped pain.
Sorry you've such a bad cold. Keep warm, drink plenty and paracetamol. Hope you feel a bit better tomorrow.
Sweetpeasue your dreams sound awful, that feeling of not being able to waken.
Food is such a comfort isn't it? I couldn't go a day without something sweet. I have 2 squares of chocolate and a biscuit every day. I know I shouldn't. Blueberry muffins are lovely. Do you make them? What book are you reading? I am almost finished Still Life, a very long read. Jumps back and forward, I'm not great with that, confuses me.
Sorry about your bad pain yesterday and glad today has been better.
Fishwife how have you been today?
EllieAnne how are you? Did you get out today? I hope the weekend is ok. Have you something planned?

Whiff Goodness you have had so many health issues!
I think it's great to be able to give a good medical history, instead of trying to remember to answer questions.
very interesting about your brother after having stints, the difference it made.
Sorry if I've missed anyone.
Wyllow3 sending loving hugs. I hope you're OK.

Only things needed - a good yarn and PJs. You're my first member! ☺️

Sweetpeasue* "Knit and napper" can I join please? 😁

Fishwife So sorry think Ive hot you muddled with Hymnbook there. I hope you're feeling better and can get back on track to sorting out your original health problem. I imagine you're still anxious about that. Take care.

Nadateturbe Hope you're ok today and no more bad dreams last night. I get bad dreams where I know I'm asleep but I cant wake up and escape😩. DH doesn't remember dreaming at all.
Whiff I know others have said but I too am so pleased you have the well deserved PIP ect. That coat will be great for the winter--especially for storm Babet today!
Scaredycat Its lovely that your mum could draw and passed on her skills to yourself. Art must hold special memories for you. Not sure if you asked what I was knitting. Hmmm- meant to be a loose sweater - think its going to be very loose indeed! 🤔. I hope next Monday goes well for you, its natural to feel anxious about it.You have so much to put up with, having constant AF. Glad the results from your ultrasound are not as bad as you thought. You couldn't have been in the garden here today I'm afraid!
HVDY Your cold sounds horrid. There's not a lot we can do with them but keep hydrated and paracetamol for any aches. DH went through pkts of lozenges for sore throat but can't say they helped. At last youve seen your Neurologist. Lots of 'ifs' there. Do hope your leg pain goes by itself though, thats. awful.
Doodle I hope you can make a start on that hat and scarf. As you say you might be able to have short bursts until your wrist has had enough. Thanks for the tips on videos. There are things like 'wrap one(stitch)' and its picking up stitches around neckline that Im rubbish at. In truth I've completed one effort and neckline awful at one side. Although they look too big the way I'm putting on weight is frightening. I keep daying I'll be better tomorrow then I defrost all those blueberry muffins that I froze to keep out of sight.
Do hope you can find out about your tiredness. Its a good thing to find out if somethings not right.
Hymnbook Hope youre feeling better today. We cant concentrate at all when we're not well.
EllieAnneWyllow Thinking of you.
Nanny I often think of you too and how you are coping. 💐
So many not mentioned, Candy, Allsorts but hope you're ok.

Not great yesterday-better today after terrible bladder pain this morning.
Torrential rain and 60mile n hr gusts all day. We faced the onslaught to get booked covid jabs this morning then lazy day reading, knitting and napping. (Theres a good class - knit and napper).

Hope all have a peaceful night. X

Whiff- so pleased to see you back and on form! Good news to hear of the improvement in your financial situation and that you can now have a few treats. Not before time and you so deserve it.
You are a fellow AF sufferer, mine was paroxysmal for 6 years but since March of this year has become permanent or persistant I,m not sure which. I can’t have an ablation as my age is against me and my body weight is too low. Interesting to hear about your brother. Anxiety has been bad as I have been so frightened but theADs have helped a lot.
Fishwife- keep on posting please. Not being able to concentrate must be difficult at the moment.
Doodle- have you managed to get an appointment with GP next week? It’s not easy when your walking is so affected- don’t do too much until you,ve seen the GP.
I am less stressed about my AF as I was always waiting for the next attack- now it’s there all the time although I am very tired that worry has gone. I have a cardiology appt Monday- trying not to stress about that- thank goodness for the ADs.
HVDY- the Neurologist sounds very thorough - hope he was pleasant too .
Sorry you are poorly today- colds are horrible . Lots of hot toddies and feet up for you today.
We have had the most beautiful weather this afternoon and planted some pansies to hang on the fence- I love their little faces.

The Doc messaged my DH with the results of the Ultrasound.
It did show up the area he was concerned about but although there is a problem it is nothing to worry about. I was doing my usual Whatifferies so feel very grateful it’s ok.
Love to allxx

Whiff I'm so pleased you got the PIP, and rightfully so. Now, you'll be able to relax a little bit and treat yourself sometimes. The new coat is a start. Like you, I was from parents who never had much money, but we were cared for and loved. My MIL wasn't very pleasant to me, but I was never nasty back. You've had, and have still got, such a lot of health problems, but you keep going and keep caring, and that's so admirable.

Doodle Your heart rate is low. See what the doctor says (if you can get an appointment). I'm on tablets to slow mine down, so I suppose there's probably medication to regulate a slow rate.

SweetpeaSue Hope your pain has eased off.

I saw the Neurologist yesterday, in this brand-new building at QMC, it's only been open 3 weeks. He said he was sorry the steroids had not had any effect, and I gave him the very ong list of side-effects I'd had. He agreed I wouldn't ever take them again. He said IF my burning sensation continues (it's constant), he could prescribe Nortriptyline (I'll leave that for now). IF the rash gets much worse of spreads elsewhere, I'm to see a Dermatologist. IF I get any neurological symtoms, like a dropped foot/hand or loss of movement anywhere, I need to be seen by him straightaway. He warned that I'll need blood and urine tests every month as the internal organs can be affected, and IF that happened, I'd need to be in hospital. Overall, it's "wait and see" for now.

Not feeling well today - streaming cold, painful sinuses, sore throat, so I'm going to stay in and lounge about today.

Hope ALL (too many to mention) BDers have a decent day, despite this horrible weather x

Whiff 😀😀😀

Thank you all. I will still post. Talking about AF and low blood pressure. My old GP did in house ECG and diagnosed left ventricular hypertrophy. No medication.

I moved her 4 years ago. My blood work showed heart failure. Doesn't mean I am dieing just my heart isn't working properly. This was end 2019 or start of 2020. GP sent me to see cardiologist. He said have you had echocardiogram I said no. He did one not expecting to find anything.

Should say since having jaundice in 2017 I can hear my heart beat in my left ear and found I was missing heart beats. Hence my old GPs diagnosis.

Was due for a bubble echocardiogram in March Covid hit. But did have it in the May . Like everything about me it's not simple. Radio ( can't remember how to spelt the rest) but the person doing the test. Said we can see bubbles just not where we expected. So did the test 3 times. Should say it doesn't hurt and I never care what tests I have done as I just want answers.

Turns out I was born with a hole in my heart . When my cardiologist told me I had to laugh had 2 minor and 3 major ops all with a dicky heart.

Because of Covid getting worse didn't see a cardiologist again until 2021. In the mean time started having my heart going out if control. My poor daughter had me to A&E that many times said I needed a reserved seat. But by the time I had ECG my heart was fine. But woke on Saturday morning heart going crackers at A&E before 7am had ECG nurse told me not to move I was in atrial fibrillation. Rush to large resus ward and spent all day on a monitor nurse checked on me every 30 mins. Dr read all my notes and because my health problems all my life like my posts there are no short answers. When the Dr talked to my daughter he said your mom has given me the most compete medical history he has ever heard. My daughter said yes she does go on . He laughed but said his mom was the same. My daughter told me all this .

He said he would refer me to AF clinic and urgent appointment with cardiologist. Next day had phone call from AF nurse with appointment for the clinic on Thursday. AF clinic is run by prescribing nurses but there is a consultant available if they need them. Had ECG and long chat about missing heart beats and palpitations I had since 2017. I was put on Flecainide to help regulate my heat beats and Apixaban a blood thinner as don't want to frightened any one but with AF could be more at risk of a stroke.

Saw the cardiologist following week. He was happy I was ok on the medication and had no side effects but wanted to do a MRI on my heart which I agreed to even though MRI machines frightened because I hate small spaces.

Went to AF clinic every week for a month ,then every 2 weeks for a month then once a month for 2 months and because I was doing well. Discharged into my GPs care. Had ECG and bloods done every visit.

Had MRI on my heart November 2021. Electrodes on my chest and a large thick plate on my chest which was attached to the handles on MRI bed. In the machine for just over 90 mins but it didn't seem that long. As I had to keep holding my breath when told. Then dye injected and had to hold my breath longer. I made sure I did as didn't want to be in the machine any longer.

Turns out before we are born we have flaps round our heart which shut before birth . But the one between my lungs and heart didn't. It's only very small and even though I can get breathless but don't have pains in my chest it's safer to leave the hole as they could damage my heart repairing it as it's small. Luckily no holes in the connections between the chambers of my heart and I have strong heart function.

I have paroxysmal atrial fibrillation just means I miss heart beats and my heart goes crackers some times. So I just sit still and relax do my pre natal breathing and it soon goes back to normal.

My brother had permanent AF and had 2 stents in his heart which changed his life. He said it took him 45 mins to walk from the car outside the hospital door to the room . 2 hours later he could have run home.

See long winded again but with me there are no short answers.

Only finding out last year about my being born with HPX I joined a Facebook group of others with it and the man who started the page he has the same gene mutation I have and he was born with a small hole in his heart but a different place to mine. On medication as well.

Bet you wished you didn't want me to stop posting 🤣

Wyllow take care and thinking of you xx
Sweetpeasue hope you have a peaceful night.
Scaredycat yes I’m hoping GP will do bloods and ECG. I’m hoping it might explain why I’ve been so exhausted when walking. I’m not usually like this. It’s not the first time my thyroid has been questioned but tests have always ruled out a problem. We will see.
A small benefit from your AFib all the time. Are you less worried about it now than you were before?
HVDY I too am wondering how you got on. Hope things are ok.
Take care all x

Love back to all tonight xx

Whiff You musnt stop posting. We would miss you. I read all your post very early this morning and started a reply and got sidetracked. Your posts are long, yes, but that's OK, it's how you write. Would that I could.
It's lovely of you to share with us. You were such a caring daughter and DiL. And have coped so well. You had a lovely marriage and in spite of missing your dear husband have made a life for yourself.
I'm glad you have no worries about money now and can treat yourself. I love Seasalt. Just a shame you didn't get help sooner, but at least you have it now.
Will talk to you all tomorrow.
Goodnight, I hope you sleep well.xx
Goodnight Wyllow3.

Sorry just a short post.
Whiff Your posts are so encouraging to us all, especially coming from someone who's been through so much in life but manages to keep on. Your humour lifts us and your courage is admirable. I love your posts, do continue to write as you always do.
HVDY Thinking of you today and do hope your appt with neurologist went well and you have some proper help for your condition.

I'll write more tomorrow but wishing all a peaceful night. Love to all and night night to Wyllow xx

Whiff- please don’t stop posting. Your posts are full of care,compassion, humour and above all love. You have been a good,kind person all your life and I know I,m not alone in benefitting from your thoughts and experiences.
EllieAnne- I,m sorry life is so difficult for you at the moment. Don’t put pressure on yourself to post - it’s good to know you are with us. I hope things improve soon.
SweetPeaSue- hope you,ve had a good day today.
Doodle- yes your heart rate is very low and will make you feel tired. You might need an ECG just to check on it. A full blood test will cover things like thyroid so you should have that too.
That crawling dream sounds very disturbing - upsetting dreams could set off my AFib in the night but now it is permanent that doesn’t happen! It’s an ill wind!!
An orange hat with a black Pom Pom would be nice- or vice versa. We,ll need a picture when you,ve done them.
Wyllow- sending a Goodnight hugxx

Fishwife you are welcome to post here as are others. All posts are welcome, short or long. We try to support each other and I understand how you may find it difficult to read all of Whiff’s post if you have trouble concentrating. If that is the case then just write about yourself or respond to those posts you want to. There is no requirement to respond to everyone although some do. No reason for you to leave the thread either. Sometimes there are misunderstandings and we can say things we don’t really mean. Please keep posting.
Whiff you have been kindness itself to many on this thread, please don’t change the way you write or what you write. Your openness in writing about your life has helped others. Please keep posting, we want to hear from you.
Ellie Anne sometimes we can reply to all and other times when things are hard we don’t have the energy to write a lot. All are welcome to write as much or as little as they feel able to cope with. It’s just nice to know you’re with us and you are in our thoughts.
Like Sweetpeasue I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt. Things don’t sound much better. Hopefully time will heal a bit.
Sweetpeasue glad the lesions are healing a bit. Good advice from HvDY . Yes I will try and see the Doc next week. I think my heart rate is very low. I’ve borrowed DHs Apple Watch and it keeps pinging and telling me my heart rate is below 45. 😮. Apparently that’s ok if you’re a super fit athlete!
Might also be something to do with thyroid. Hopefully GP will sort out a blood test for me.
With regards to the knitting, YouTube can be a big help. Try looking at UK sites as people from other countries knit differently and use different sizing for needles. Try slowing the video down and replaying it so you can see exactly what they’re doing. Is there a particular stitch you’re having problems with.
nadateturbe I have disturbing dreams rather than bad ones. I’m always trying to get somewhere but I’m crawling and I can’t open my eyes. I have that a lot. I hate the dreams which leave me feeling depressed when I wake up.
I’ve just mentioned above what I think might be wrong with my legs. So tired today.
Hat and scarf I’m thinking burnt orange and black to go with my two winter coats.
How nice to have a special day with your DH. Glad you enjoyed it.
Yes I noticed the connection between long Covid too.
Whiff so pleased your PIP has finally come through. After all those years of trying. Must have been a big relief.
Good you’ve got a new winter coat. I bought one from Seasalt a few years ago. Similar price to yours. I am so pleased with mine. It keeps me really warm and is waterproof so dry as well.
Hope the dehumidifiers help.
Good you’ve got your warm payment and other benefits.
Money does help with a lot of things but it doesn’t replace loving someone. Like you I was brought up in a loving family.
Life must have been very hard for you looking after both mums. You were very kind to your MIL even if she didn’t deserve it.
Yes dementia is cruel and as you say it’s fear that makes people lash out not violence. Glad you mum got to have all of those lovely times with your family.
You write so lovingly about your DH. You must miss him so much. You give so much of yourself in everything your write. Please continue as you are. It’s not a problem.

Apologies to Whiff. In my present circs I found it difficult to concentrate. No way was I asking anyone to do anything different.
As I say I appreciate kind wishes from you and others and fact this thread is available. And as I said, take care!!

Sorry because of how I m feeling

Whiff I’m sure that wasn’t what was meant at all. Please don’t stop posting. I’ve been posting short messages lately because those I’m feeling but sometimes ramble on (as we all do) and I read everyone s posts. They are all important.

Apologies to everyone didn't realise there was a length of post permitted.

Will just read from now on.

Take care everyone.

Whiff. I think your post is possibly too long for people on here. Maybe just me. As everyone here has been so helpful and kind over the last few weeks when Ive gone from zopiclone to mirtazapine to sitting tired out today after rain and wind hitting the windows last night, wondering what on earth I can do next, I thought I’d reply to say that I was very interested to read everything you had to say even tho I wasn’t at all at my best. Take care

Just re read what I wrote. Really wish I could just answer yes or no . But I am a rambler. Or as my brothers I have verbal diarrhoea. Must have infected my typing finger.🤣

Sorry about the long posts. But that's me in real life. 🤦

Doodle I had the PIP back pay few weeks ago . It was back dated until 7th March 2022 so was very shocked how much it was. It included the cost of living for last year and this .

Treated myself to a new waterproof winter coat most expensive piece of clothing I have ever brought would have paid full price but they had an offer on at Seasalt £40 off if you spend £150. The coat I wanted was £160 so had it for £120. Brought 2 dehumidifiers as had problems with condensation in my 2 bedrooms . Had an Aldi which I brought 2 years ago it was great on laundry setting but rubbish on dehumidifier setting. But it was less than £50 for 20l one. Already had little Pro Breeze one so brought 2 X 20l ones they are brilliant. Splashed on a winter felt hat from Peacocks for £10. As my mom would say spending money like a woman with no arms 😁.

Had my first 4 weekly payment last week because the tribunal which is a court awarded me enhanced for living and mobility indefinitely they can't take it off me when I get my state pension next year. It's mine for life. Plus because of my savings got universal credit since March this year . Had a health assessment after a friend filled in the questionnaire for me . This was few weeks ago and I though it just meant my UC would go up by £20 which took it up to £390+ few pennies but it wasn't until I looked at my journal realised it was on top of the UC which is means tested . But the unable to work payment isn't. I checked with them yesterday as every 8 th of the month have to let them know how much in my savings account and current account. PIP payment is not counted as income.

UC will stop once I get my state pension but because of having it I will get pension credit.

I had letter from DWP on Monday said I was entitled to warm home discount £150.this year. Had email from Eon Tuesday to say it had been credited to my account.

After fighting for 35 years for disability payments and been very worried about money for last 2 years. I don't have to worry anymore. But I wasn't brought up with parents who earned a lot. I will still be careful with my money. But my brother and I were rich in love and attention.

My husband's mom didn't work once married and my father in law was the manager of a large factory. And they where rich but while they looked after my husband . They didn't give him love and attention.

The day he died his mom came to say goodbye he was unconscious and for the first time said she loved him. After he died she denied she had a son or 2 grandchildren. But I still looked after her even though I hated her from 1975 until she died in 2015 aged 91. She out lived my husband by 11 years.

I was brought up with a loving extended family. My mom had very strong sense of family . I hated my in laws they were horrible people not only to their son but my family as well. In my father in law's eyes the only thing we did right was have the children he adored them but he died in 1988 just before I ended up in hospital for 3 weeks. My mother in law took against her own granddaughter from a baby but was all our son until he got his own personality.

One thing about my in laws at least they where vile to our face. My father in law told me I was defective. Don't think they ever though we would get married . My husband loved his parents but didn't like them but he never gave up on them. If they kicked off when we were there we walked out ..Once married we went every Sunday if they kicked off we walked out . But we went back the next week . Because my husband loved them .

This shows you the man he was . He got all the love and attention he needed from my family . My mom had breast cancer mastectomy and lymph nodes removed in 2000 aged 73 . . My husband had his biopsy 27th December 2000. We knew in January 2001 he wouldn't live 5 years he lived 3. My mom could never understand why she lived and he died. Both my dad and me explained about the different cancer and grade but mom never came to terms with it . This was how much my parents loved my husband. Dad died 3 years later . Mom got breast cancer again aged 86 we just thought she would have palliative care but because mom was fit for her age she had a mastectomy and lymph nodes removed plus 15 radiotherapy treatments. She couldn't face chemo as she saw what it did to my husband.

Mom had already been to my daughter's wedding and danced until 1.30 am . The while waiting for the taxi sang the Bill Shankly song with a load of Scousers . She was sobber . She got to see my son and daughter in law get married and danced until 10.30 as this was 4 years after my daughter's marriage. She saw my brother get married for the 3rd and said finally someone who deserves him. She saw her first great grandson and held him . Mom lived with me the last 18 months of her life . She had grade 3 cancer and dementia . It was the dementia why I had her to live with me . As being call out all hours of the night and day with both mom's had taken its toll on me . So mom agreed to live with me but made us promise not to sell her house until she died. Unfortunately the dementia killed my mom long before her body died. Dementia violence isn't abuse as someone said on another thread but it's fear . Mom didn't know who she was ,where or who I was she thought I was her mom . Mom's last 4 months where hell on earth . But it wasn't my mom attacking me as neither of my parents laid a hand on me my whole life . Dementia is a living death. But I couldn't put mom into a home as I knew I could look after her better. I am proud when she became bedridden she never had a sore on her body I made sure of it. It was a relief when she died . As mom would have hated what she became. She was 90 .

Mine you this is the sort of man my husband was . I said you had better have your hair cut before chemo. He said I am not wasting £7 when my hair is going to fall out. Those who have had cancer or loved one who has will know there is a very long list of side effects. The 2 my husband didn't want where the only ones he had . He loved his food but was always slim . He lost his sense of taste and became impotent. I well remember him him crying in my arms saying I am dieing and can't make love to you. He was given 4 months to 2 years when he became terminal. But we knew he only had months . He wanted to get to his 47th birthday which was February we got him there he died 4 days later . Just under the 4 months he was given. He had 6 tumours and couldn't breath on full oxygen I had to tell him to stop fighting he died few minutes later.

I haven't told you this for me . But to show you what a wonderful man he was despite how he's parents treated him .

He always knew from our first date I had pain in my legs and fell all my life. But he wanted me. I was very lucky we started courting when I was 16 he was 18. Our life together wasn't all sweetness and roses . We both had tempers and where stubborn the children followed us. But we never argued about important things.

He was a bugger though. If he went into work looking tired he would tell them I had demanded his body at 2am so I could get to sleep. This was the pre cancer years. I knew all the people he worked with.

Because of him and he was very wise he knew what I needed to live without him and it was a series of promises. Which I have kept. But couldn't live the life I wanted until I moved here in 2019. I live my life to the full. My daughter lives 10 mins away . My estranged son 40.

My husband was and still is the love of my life . Because of him I can do what I do. But not a day goes by I don't miss him . But I was lucky to have been so loved and loved in return . 29 years and married 22. Grief like love never dies . But my grief gets worse as the years go by as he has missed so much. Our daughter was 20 and 16 when he died . They are 40 and 36 now and we have 5 grandson's . I only see the 2 . But I have talked about what my son did before 3 years ago. His choice not mine.

I know this is a disjointed ramble but it's how my mind works . But I know others with HPX are the same.

All here are an inspiration to others with mental and physical health problems. I have said before none of you realise how strong you are . You have made this a safe haven for more you will ever know. People who can't post but read your posts and no longer feel alone.

You made me welcome when I thought my first post was trivial. None of you see yourselves as I do. Your courage facing all your problems shines through. Never belittle yourselves or think others stuffer more than you . Because what you are going through is unique to you so don't compare yourself to others.
I never say what I don't mean as I forget so I don't lie. So believe what I say.

Keep fighting everyday like you do. And life the best life you can with any limitations you have. ❤️