Black Dog 18

Wyllow3 Glad you had a swim. It's good that you know there's someone you can talk to, should you need to. The tests must be making you feel anxious, but even though it's the 2 week cancer pathway, it doesn't necessarily mean you've got anything sinister (I had a 2 week pathway referral a few years ago, it was fine). Best wishes.

Balloon ride was cancelled again (3rd time by the company, once by me). There are strong winds forecast for later, apparently (Peak district), 10mph on the ground but 20mph in the air. Trying to re-book it for the next available date, 30th August (sons bought the gift 18 months ago). Going out for dinner later, instead. 26 degrees here. Just pleasant. Back later, hope everyone is ok x

I went for my swim but mood bad - just not connecting with people like I normally manage a little bit - so rung for help at 11 and got an hours chat, last nights bad night was very bad.will try and rest and recover a bit but cant be sure. He said to ring him again specifically in a fortnight after my tum tests as they are a big part of the worry picture - despite ameliorating thoughts it is the cancer pathway. Fears cant buy or eat food, lots of stuff like that going on.

Hope you enjoy being out *HVDY it is a just right day, sun, but not too hot.

Wyllow3 He hasn't got any type of filter - whatever comes into his head, he has to say it. He really never stops to think about another person's feelings.

EllieAnne You know what a loveless marriage is like. My SIL had been married twice before - the 1st a "Jack the lad", always off with women, in and out of prison for theft, etc. The 2nd one used to knock her about all the time. My brother is the best of the 3, they used to have lovely holidays etc., but he's so stupid with the things he says.

ScaredyCat It's great that you're going to see your sister. I remember when she wasn't well and you worried that she might not pull through. I'm glad she's done so much better.

It's warm and sunny already. Off out later. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Nice to see you in Candy. Sleep with possible mice? No way. I'd say the same about my DS as your DD.

Had a really grim night, the mood didn't lift, extra meds to sleep. My cleaner comes at 9, so will attempt a small swim while she is busy here, to see if it helps, or will five them a ring: woke in panic state.

Evening
Nadaterturbe hope your spiders have stayed away. I don’t kill them, nor any living thing, mostly because my daughter is such an animal lover, she won’t. The expression “wouldn’t hurt a fly” certainly applies to her. But them I’m not that afraid of spiders. I’m phobic about mice/rats though and there is no way I would EVER sleep in a room where I thought they might be and I certainly wouldn’t have a problem with them being killed. Contradictory I know. Think I’m trying to say I know where you’re coming from, just in a roundabout way🤣.
HVDY your brother sounds very difficult and he is so lucky anyone has anything at all to do with him. Funny isn’t it, how siblings and be so different? You’re so loving and caring and he seems the exact opposite. Good the op went well. Glad you haven’t got to take him to visit tomorrow. Your balloon ride sounds absolutely amazing. It’s going to be a lovely day pretty much everywhere tomorrow so I’m sure it’ll be amazing. Enjoy.
Ellie Anne nice you got out with your son. I’m sure they wouldn’t have minded you not eating everything. My mother in law is the same and we don’t bat an eyelid. I’m sorry your daughter made you sad. My daughter doesn’t appear to be loving or very grateful for all I do, but I think deep down she is. She leads a busy life and gives everything to her son, so I think that’s why. I’m sure she loves you very much. I’m glad you enjoyed your walk on the beach. Your are lucky yo live so close, it must be a good outlet for you.
Wyllow I’m sorry you struggle so much. I personally think a good outlet for you would be to move to a community such as that in McCarthy Stone, think I’ve said before, I’m a fan of such places. But it’s obviously your decision and one which must be made when you are ready. I hope those awful feelings have passed. Sounds like your car is getting sorted which is good news.
Scaredycat how lovely you are getting to stay with your sister and BiL. You must be delighted she has done so well. I’m sure your anxieties about going will be softened by your joy at finally being able to do this. Enjoy.
Sweetpeasue hope you’re ok. Sending ❤️.
❤️ To all those not personally mentioned. Night night all x

Thank you Ellie Anne

And you know about that unhappiness x

Thinking of absent BD's

Night all.

Hvdy he sounds really nasty. Your poor s in l. An unhappy marriage sucks all the joy out of your life.
Wyllow I wish I could say something to help. You have so much to cope with mentally and physically. Be kind to yourself.
Doodle I hope your holiday is going well.
Good night everyone.

I think a psychologist might have quite a lot to say HVDY!

I should say that he's a bit of an enigma - he sobbed on the 'phone to me yesterday about how sorry he is that his wife is in this state, how much he loves her, blah blah - none of that has any effect on me (apart from making me angry because he really only worries about how things will affect him). I'm off to write that book about his comments............. . Love to all BDers x

Wyllow3 You weren't being snappy. Loneliness must be awful, and I suppose there are lots of lonely people around. I don't know what the solution is for your situation, but wish we all lived near to each other. SIL doesn't like my brother, and it's no wonder - when I took her for an MRI to determine Alzheimer's (she didn't want him to take her), as we left their house, he said to her "see if they can something about your f***ing hair whilst you're there" and laughed because he thought it was witty. He's a moron but "forgets" he's said things to people. It means nothing to him.

thanks for your thoughtful ness in answering that *HVDY I was aware I was being snappy

I just ask myself after so long HVDY at 72 - after so many years - whats left? but there is over coming Ex and the gastric stuff to resolve. I could get more out of family contacts but lack the energy or mostly the appetite to see them...day after day of mostly alone sometimes OK but often not.

Well your brother is a bitter lost cause. No wonder his son doesn't visit him. How on earth SiL lived with that I don't know. it. Sounds like he has "issues" but no interest in change.

Wyllow3 Sorry, Wyllow, didn't mean to sound flippant. I hope your counselling will help. There is a point - your family who love you, and friends (including us on here). Brother's son works but doesn't visit his dad. As I say, brother doesn't help himself by "speaking his mind" to everyone - just a couple of examples, when I told him my Son2 and his GF were going to have a baby but not live together, he said my son was "a feckless little shit". When I was in hospital for 6 weeks, he didn't ring my DH once to ask how I was (on a ventilator 2 wks then a stroke). That's what he's like.

Moods like this one don't "lift" HVDY - you might say after 20 plus years I am am used to dealing with them - and know how to get help -
but when they come it seems to rip and shred any possibility of ever really getting beyond these states and so whats the point?

It will be difficult to support SiL as she will be very confused awhile... its a tough one for you, you are the family "Carer" its seems to me - will your nephew be of real help?

EllieAnne The hot air balloon ride was a joint gift to DH and me (birthdays are 5 days apart) 18 months ago. It was cancelled 3 times because of the weather. I'll try to get some decent photos.

Wylow3 It doesn't matter what the garage people may or may not have thought, you did what was best for your health. I hope your low mood has lifted.

nadateturbe My brother is terrified of spiders! I don't mind them or any other creepy-crawly. I'm frightened of birds - only if they're flapping near me.

Doodle Hope you and your husband are enjoying your time away and that you're having good weather.

Candy6 It must be good to have a swim, particularly in warm weather. Do you swim in the sea, too?

SweetpeaSue, Whiff, Nanny, all others - hope you're ok today.

SIL had her operation this afternoon - screws to stabilise the femur, apparently. I've been updating brother, and also SILS's sister. Hope all BDers have a relaxing evening x

Wyllow I’m pleased the garaged dropped the car off for you. Nothing weak or shameful about it you are just taking care of your health. Big article in the papers today about Doctors having to take ME/CFS more seriously and listen to sufferers.
I wish you had a more secure feeling regarding your ongoing MH access.
You need help to overcome these terrible low feelings you have. Surely they must see that.
Scaredycat what wonderful news you must both be so happy at the thought of seeing each other again. Your other friend will look forward to seeing you too. Remember you always have those fears about going away but when you make the effort you have a good time. Really pleased for you.
HVDY good thing your nephew is taking your brother tomorrow. You are so good to him despite him not reciprocating with you.
Wow a hot air balloon ride, that’s fantastic. It will be amazing. Do tell us all about it when you’re back.
Ellie Anne pleased you went out with your son and gs. I’m sure the fact you couldn’t eat it all wasn’t a problem. And a card and message from your other son too. That’s nice.
If you Dd was in the area for work then perhaps she was busy at the weekend and her accommodation paid for. Perhaps she thought she’d save you the effort of having her to stay. Nice to pop in and see you before returning home. I Hope she wished you happy birthday too.
When our children grow up they do have busy lives mostly. We don’t get to spend as much time with them as when they were younger. Don’t take it to heart it’s the same for many.
I Hope you enjoyed your birthday anyway,
nadateturbe I don’t like spiders either. I couldn’t sleep mowing there were some around. I usually trap them and throw them out the window if possible. Hope the lavender works.
Candy glad you managed a nice swim. I wish I’d learnt years ago. I think it’s very relaxing. I know what you mean about being tired. Hope you manage to catch up some sleep the rest of the week. Thank you, yes we are having a good time.
nanny you and your son sound very close. I’m sure he cares very much for you. Despite not being able to display emotions as others do, autistic people can feel things deeply just in a different way. Hopefully, you will be able to find comfort in being together and sharing memories.
Sweetpeasue you are going through such a hard time. I Hope you got your Oromorph supplies sorted,

Oh *Scaredycat - at last! I recall from when I just met you - tbh you weren't sure you would see her again. And felt so helpless, so far away. Well done you for the effort, and also your friend will really appreciate your visit.

Wise words to us all really about family. Ellie Anne she may keep you at arms length at times but I am very sure you matter a great deal in her life. When you are younger parents can be "just there" you don't think a lot, "what effect will x or y have on them".

After I had rung the garage to say, "I need to go to bed please just drop the car round" I felt a terrible wave of shame about exposing myself in this way as vulnerable or weak. But much needed as dropped of straight away.

But on waking it was horrible. a wave of being pointless and not wanting to live and the terrible fear I get on and off of being discharged from MH services, it was like I was praying that so well known refrain, "oh Lord hear my prayer".

I do have my counsellor who is "out" of the system but my psychologist has so much power. Or I give her it, whichever which way. and know how short staffed they are. But when the *hit hits the fan, I want to know that back up is there.

Wyllow- Mcarthy and Stone sound the way to go- when you are ready. They look really attractive.
Glad the car will be done today- rest easy now and soon you will be on the road again and finding your own special places. Still visit the old ones though - they are yours too.
HVDY- your brother doesn’t sound easy- you are a kind loyal sister to be so good to him.I think you are very fond of yourSiL too. Glad she’s not in pain and hope her Op goes well tomorrow. She will be very bewildered poor lady.
Enjoy your balloon trip- hope it’s a clear day like today for you.
Yes take lots of pictures they will be brilliant.
Doodle- hope you are both ok and still enjoying the sea.
Nadateturbe- EEK ! Those spiders- I am really freaked out by the big ones. I expect they all had a lovely restful sleep thanks to the lavender. Hope their snoring didn’t disturb you.🕷️
Hope the lavender helped you too and that today has been more comfortable for you.
EllieAnne- glad you went for your lunch with S2 and GS.
Doesn’t matter about the food they will just have been pleased to have you with them for your BD.
I understand how you felt about your DD but she came to see you when she could. I expect it had been a busy working weekend for her. We all have to accept how our children are but they love you and you have given them the freedom to live their lives. It’s just a different role for everyone as we get older. But be sure you are every bit as important to them as you have always been.
Lucky you to live near the beach- it’s good that your walking hasn’t been affected by your fall.
SweetPeaSue- hope you are ok.

I can hardly believe it but on Monday I am going to stay with my sister and BiL!!!!! There was a time this year when I was so scared for her - she is a bit of a miracle. On the way we are staying with our old friend who lost her husband last year. Can’t wait to see them both. I,m always nervous about being away but they are so special to us and life is short.
Whiff , Candy, Nanny,Allsorts and all take carex

I'm glad that there is a son on the scene, HVDY.

Waves Ellie Anne.

I just want to go to bed actually, its one of those days need to, but been forcing myself to stay up for garage call, pay them and car delivered - just rung to pay and said drop keys through door, have to rest, have to trust them.

Thinking of you all, BD's. I'm aware Sweetpeasue you haven't checked in for a while hope you are OK.

Oh wow Hvdy. That will be amazing. Take plenty pictures.

I should add that I can't take brother tomorrow as DH and I are going on a hot air balloon ride and it'll take us over an hour to get there

EllieAnne Good that you went out with your son and his boy. I can understand you feeling hurt about your daughter being nearby but not calling in. Perhaps she was busy with work? Hope it brightens up later where you are.

Wyllow3 Brother has got a son who lives a mile from me, and he's going to take him to hospital tomorrow, as he finishes work at 2pm every day. My brother would never get a taxi - he's tight with money - I could write a book about him and the things he's said/done to offend people. Nobody likes him, but as I say, he's got no self-awareness and doesn't care that he upsets people (he actually says that). I'll take him on Friday. I hope you car gets sorted out and that you manage to go out later.

Up early (for me) as my car has just been collected for what I so hope it the final time at the garage and I can feel "free to roam". often late afternoon and early evening is the most difficult part of the day and going out to see some lovely views is good. Like everything else, they are places "we" used to go but making some my own.

But HVDY its a very difficult family situation especially with brothers leg. Are you the only family? Other thing that occurs is that many hospitals have volunteers - who might push him if he gets a taxi?

Hello all. Sorry I’ve been quiet for a while but was quite down. Went out for lunch on Saturday with s2 and little gs which was nice but felt bad because I couldn’t eat it all. Thought I might have seen s1 and family on Sunday-birthday- but found out from fb posts that they were all busy. Got a card and a text from son at night. Nothing from dd. Then on Monday at lunchtime dd walks in the door. Turns out she’d been in the area since Saturday to do with work and thought she d pop in before she went back. Stayed for an hour.
I was pleased to see her but hurt that she had been close and hadn’t stayed here or contacted us. Her accommodation was paid for but still.
I should be used to her by now.
I just need to accept that they have their own lives and I m very much on the edge.
Hope your s in l recovers well. Hvdy.
I was walking on the beach yesterday. It was quiet and peaceful.
It’s a bit dull here now but I am hoping to get the washing out.
Hope there is sunshine where you are.

Hope ALL BDers had a restful night. It's a bright, sunny morning here. Just rang hospital, they said SIL is asleep at the moment (she must be shattered), isn't in pain, and is having her operation tomorrow. Rang brother to tell him - he only asked how far the ward is from the entrance, and would I take him on Friday, and push him in a wheelchair (he can't walk far due to having a prosthetic leg).

Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day x

'using' should be 'yes'. Stupid phone!
Have just googled and the only thing I have that might deter them is lavender spray. My bed and under it has just been liberally sprayed with deep sleep pillow spray. I hope it works for me too.