Black Dog 17

Sweetpeasue sorry you are feeling this way. But it's quite understandable the way you have been treated. But please realise how strong and brave you are. Even at your lowest you keep going . You and others going through so much physical and mental pain inspire me everyday . None of you will ever know how much all your posts have helped me .

Wyllow both pictures are beautiful but the person in the hands is so touching. I think it's a perfect way to show how a lot of us feel. Please keep drawing and painting and posting them.

This is my latest finished cross stitch just needs framing hope it makes someone smile today.

Ive had another meltdown tonight. I so much hurt and suffer with the injustice of it all. I feel butchered and scrapped. That picture of the personn in hand was so beautiful and comforting Wyllow. Im all cried out but thankyou. X

https://signal-corridor.live/uploads/talk/202306/medium-749480-despite-all-flight-2.jpg%3C/span%3E https://signal-corridor.live/uploads/talk/202306/medium-679993-in-hands.jpeg%3C/span%3E

That poem is so lovely, like at last letting our best selves heal our poorly selves with acceptance and kindness.

Whiff with your DS its a torturing estrangement - the puzzlement of the why's - after no clues at all.

My friend was supposed to have come on Mondays until today but one of her cats got attacked by a fox week ago on Wednesday. But she still put the other 3 cats into the cattery on Sunday as planned and had them back tonight.

Because all my life I have had to plan things so things make sense to me. This trip was planned in March and she got cheap train tickets. I had planned out the week for us. But I know talking to others with HPX this is what they have had to do all their lives as well. My friend can't make a decision and stick to it. But if I decide to do something no matter how much pain I am in I still do it. But she would give up. She says she will come this year but decide at the last minute but I can't do that. I need a minimum of a month's notice. Tried explaining how yes I can do spur of the moment things in an emergency but it sets my anxiety off. Planning a journey is like a military operation for me my trip to my brother's was planned 2 months ago and going next month. A trip to see a friend in August was planned and tickets brought 2 weeks ago.

My daughter understands and at the being of the week booked nanny day care for 4 Tuesdays in August to look after my grandson while she's at work his brother will be at nursery..

Having a routine has helped me cope all my life. My husband was very organised when it came to work but planing a holiday I did and did all the packing otherwise neither he or the kids would put in enough clothes especially underwear. But we worked well as a team . I hate being late for always at least 30 mins before an appointment my friend who was coming is always late. Before I moved we saw eachother every week and she knew it stressed me out her lateness but she was still late..

So this week it's been strange . Thank goodness for my weekly sit fit class and my mad cap craft group.

I forget what everyone says so I don't mean anything by not commenting on anyone's problems it's just my memory is crap and have to read things several times before it sinks in..
Sweet dreams 😴

Good job I posted as just lost post due to that spinning wheel.

We grieve for loved ones who have health problems or just going through a tough time for other reasons like financial.

What's ifs and if onlys can become overwhelming and that is a form of grief.

If you take all these forms of grief together it's no wonder your physical and mental health suffers. I know mine has.

Hope this has made sense to anybody else but me.

I keep busy to try and kept other griefs at bay but the grief for my husband gets worse as the years go by. But at time the other griefs overwhelm me as well.

Whiff Oh yes Whiff thankyou indeed. I do grieve for such injustice.
I 'm so v sorry for your grief too I can only imagine.

Thats weird. Aldi got me again. I'll try once more.
Nadateturbe Thats beautiful thankyou. I hope I'll meet myself again in such a way. X

I think I have said this before on the last BD thread. When people talk about bereavement they only think of the dead but there are living bereavements. Well this is just my life experience. Divorce causes grief even if it was an amicable arrangement. You grieve for the relationship and time spent with that person.

If you married life was hell even though divorce frees you from it legally it leaves scars both mentally and physically. As I have come to realise physical health effects your mental health and vice versa. You grief for the time you spent with that person who abused you and the what's ifs can be overwhelming.

As mental health and physical health is effected by a third party you grief for what should have been done and wasn't. In the case of missed diagnosis or operation going wrong or wrong treatment prescribed. You grieve for all the pain and suffering which lasts for years. And the feeling no one is accountable for making you ill.

Estrangement is a living grief and is worse if you have no idea why this happened . But with my son I have had to accept he is lost to me. I have him 3 years and the only person hurting was me. The son I love and raised has gone no idea who he is now . He wasn't raised to be cruel and cowardly which he has shown himself to be.

We grieve for the limitations are bodies put on us both physically and mentally. Things we found easy 5 or even a year ago we can no longer do. So we have to find ways to do what we want but in our own way.

Wyllow3 the Cohen song, such beautiful words.
I just read this yesterday, and thought I would share it. allpoetry.com/love-after-love.

Sweetpeasue Sorry you're having trouble with the ad, seems others are too. I hope your pain has lessened a bit today.
HVDY have you tried ice packs? You're suffering so much.
Candy it might be an idea to try changing your hours, even temporarily to see if it helps. It's nice you've become closer to your brother and SiL. I think family are so important.
Doodle hope you are both OK and the holiday is going well.

Thank you Candy its sort of finding your own way of managing the bad patches and everyone’s way is different, but it’s probably a mix of distraction and understanding and sometimes just somehow hanging in there - or collapsing and ringing crisis or Sams and talking it out.

I can say however that I have learnt to manage things better as time goes on, truly, but it takes time to make your life right for your condition and not to be afraid it will all rush back and stuff. And who to ask for what, and so on.

HVDY upping the same meds, have to wait for confirmation .

I hope you enjoyed your brunch, and wonder whats happening for your DiL and..the new grandchild…you must be counting the days now for the end of the course of those meds.

Sweetpeasue so frustrating! Hope to be able to hear more from you soon and that the pain has been manageable.

nadateturbe I’ve two sibs left - one died in 2016 she was very close to her grandchildren indeed - they looked after them when young, and BiL lives with them now.
I think neither of them sort of saw themselves as separate from the family in any way, sort of lived through them.

I honestly don’t think I could be like that whether well or poorly. Maybe for a period when I was thinking of moving near them I thought it might be possible, they would give me the sense of belonging and identity I craved….but things dont work like that instant fixes

I saw my first Ex today and as well as being very good to see him because he is probably the only person atm I feel “knows” me and big chunks of my past and childhood and vice versa, he’s doing some therapy atm by choice to move on in his life so a lot to talk about but with kindness and thoughtfulness. Just as well I don’t fancy him - he’s in a relationship and we are careful about boundaries.

…..we discussed the family and in particular DiL. I’ll never be a good “fit” for her anymore than I was for my childhood family - she has very definite ideas about the right way to actually “be” and they don’t include a depth of psychological understanding or awareness, I think she fears I “See too much” or might disturb her way of being.

But who knows what time can bring after their family life eases off current huge pressures in terms of some visits. But, yes, missing this period when they are young and you are right it brings happiness as one sort of becomes that imaginative and playful being with them.

She’d need to feel more like making an effort and - fair enough - I haven’t been present for large chunks of the last 20 years due to severe MH problems, how can she have got to know me when its scary to be “Deep?.

(The other 2 sibs their children live a long way away, post uni and so on. They don’t have grandchildren yet, but I know they not live close by unless by co-incidence of work bringing them there, but they dont seek it.

So you are right we have to live with what we have - and are.

I also walked with Ex1 in Botanical Gardens for 30 mins which was good to know I can and even did a bit of sewing this morning. Usual very Black Dog appeared in bad night and afternoon but the positives made up for it today.

Doodle Hope youre enjoying your holiday with DH amd his elbow healed. Thinking of you.

HVDY Its so awful that you are unable to communicate with the Dr that prescribed those steroids. I think its dreadful you're left with increasing rashes and your legs are so painful. I hope you get some relief from them tonight. All quiet still on the baby front. You must be on tenterhooks.

Just tried again but after 2 sentences to Nadateturbe, Aldi ad again. Sorry I have tried. Taking phone to Phone people tomorrow to see if they can do something. X

I'm so sorry but have been onhere for half n hr posting and have now lost 2 posts because of Aldi spinning wheel ad. Its comong up evety 5 mins. Tried notifications but nothing on there.
Just hoping everyone is ok and can't now reply to your problems.
My pain is not too bad today. Weeing still stings but not as bad as yesterday.
Just so sorry HVDY Wyllow amd Scaredycat didnt get the posts Id written before I could go on to others. Better go now as the bloody ad will come back
Take care all. X

HYDY fingers crossed for your DiL.

Wyllow I just want to say I know how you feel about family. It's a great sadness to me that I will never really bond with my grandchildren, and I will never get to chat about little everyday things when my children pop in for a short chat. Visits are so exhausting because you have to make the most of every minute. It's just not the same as living close, is it?. Its worse because all my siblings have children and gc living nearby and see them all the time and it emphasises it. I've never had a grandchild stay over. I don't think I will ever get used to it. I think when family come and go it makes your house feel more like a home, and it makes you feel more cheerful. But what can we do about it? Not much I'm afraid. Just get on with our own life.
Hello everyone, sorry I can't write a lot at one time.

ScaredyCat The weather hasn't made a difference to my legs - they were like this when the weather was cold. It's just one of those things. How are you?

Wyllow3 I see. Yes, it's a lot, at quite full on, with a houseful of people, even though you love them all. Not feasible to visit for a day, really, I suppose. Are your meds changing altogether, or just the dosage of existing meds?

Doodle Hope all is well with you and your DH and that you're enjoying your holiday.

SweetpeaSue I hope you managed to sleep ok last night. How do you feel today?

Candy6, EllieAnne, Whiff, nadateturbe, all BDers - hope you manage to have a decent day today. It's a bit overcast and muggy here. My friend is picking me up soon, and we're going out for brunch and coffee. x

Evening all
Sweetpeasue glad you’re home and it’s over for you at last. It’s good that nothing sinister was found but I understand that you need answers. Did the consultant speak with you after the procedure or do you have to wait for a follow up letter? You’re bound to feel a mixture of emotions after such a stressful day. I’m sure everything will settle for you. I hope you feel better after a good rest tonight.
Wyllow thank you for your reassurance regarding my little set back. It helps. Still pondering on my work hours. I hope your back is better. Sorry about your panic attack. They can come so unexpectedly. I can feel rough after a nap too. I find I need to get up and get on with something, ie distraction. It’s difficult though I know. I hope you get to see your family soon. Scaredycat’s suggestion sounds a good one but perhaps leave it on the back burner for now until you’re feeling stronger.
HVDY yes, I think you’re right, my tiredness is a combination of things. I haven’t had it so much today thankfully. Sounds like you had a nice meal at the day centre. I’m not a lover of pork either. I hope the pain in your legs has eased.
Doodle thank you for your kind words. Yes, my brother and SiL do appreciate my visits. I was determined that I would keep up the support long after the initial loss. If there’s one positive thing that’s come out of it all, is that it’s brought us closer together and I’m happy about that. Our dad would be so pleased. He loved us being close. I hope you are enjoying your holiday and DH’s arm is ok.
Hope everyone else is ok and you all have a restful, peaceful night. Take care xx

I'm so sorry so many of you are having a really bad time. Makes my pains and lack of energy seem minor. I feel very much like you atm Wyllow3, could have written your last post. So up and down. But you've got to stay optimistic.
I'm so sorry nothing was found that might help find a solution to your pain Sweetpeasue. Sending hugs.
Thinking of you all and hope and pray you have a reasonable night.

HVDY not on atm visiting. 2/3 hours of being with anyone and high noise levels I feel out of it CFS wise and have to withdraw even f its very lonely. I so would like them to visit for half a day but its hard for them, its 3 hour drive either way.

Yes if I get more energy and my back settles the hotel idea Scardeycat maybe when I get on new meds to settle mood, last time I went I found having to hide depression and pretend to be OK hard. I so love being with them, but after 2/3 hours I start wanting to be at home despite loneliness so much.

Like so many grans, I realise that the ideal situation is to live fairly nearby to see family little and often, popping round, little outings, and so on.

Thinking of the absent BD's today xx

SweetPeaSue- glad you are back home and safe. Good news that nothing untoward was found although it leaves you still wondering and apprehensive. Perhaps after a good sleep you will feel easier now it has been done. It’s bound to be sore at the moment but hopefully it will ease tomorrow. Sending a hug.
Wyllow- so understandable that you are missing your family. Perhaps they could come and see you for the day soon. When you feel a bit stronger perhaps you could have a couple of days in that hotel you found near them.

It’s hard for you at the moment as your confidence is at rock bottom - your escape route isn’t cut off just put on the back burner for a while. Just enjoy your time at the gym - can you arrange to see someone afterwards for coffee?
Take care Wyllow - hope you rest easy tonight.
HVDY- it’s been hot and humid here too- makes me exhausted as I,m sure it does you . Do you feel that this weather has exacerbated your leg discomfort?
Nice meal again today - especially Strawbs and cream.
Hope your legs don’t disturb your sleeping too much.
Doodle- hope you are both having a lovely time and it’s warmed up a bit.
Love to allx

SweetpeaSue It's good that nothing nasty was found, and also that you didn't need to have a biopsy done. I hope something will be discovered to explain the trouble you have, though, so that treatment can be sorted out. I expect the pain you've got today will ease off and settle tomorrow. Hope you have a decent rest tonight.

Wyllow3 It's natural that you miss your family. Would you be able to go and see them for a couple of days, or aren't you feeling up to it?

The 30 minutes of heavy rain earlier didn't cool anything down. My legs are painful, so I'm going to put wet teatowels on/around them. Noticed that I've now got a few of these little purple dot things on one arm (not had arms affected before) as well now. Bugger.

Hope all BDers are ok this evening x

Warm wave to Doodle hope all is OK.

Big hugs Sweetpeasue its hard to know whether it's good or bad news they found things in order? Fearing pain mental or physical stretching ahead IS scary.

Nice meal there HVDY yes its humid here with non arrival of thunderstorms.

I had an OK day tho a mild panic attack at the gym which is a new one. Maybe because I'm sort of thinking that it's a bad idea to move whilst I'm so tired and vulnerable mentally so it feels an escape route cut off and I'll never be able to move. but after my afternoon sleep I hit the pits and oh will this never end.

I suspect I should be doing the "live in the present as best one can" thing and enjoy small things but I'm really not very good at it. I think biggest current sadness is lack of seeing family but not got any oomomfh to do anything about it but wish they'd pop here.

Feeling v tearful and groggy and so scared my pain will continue without any pathological reason. Just got nack home. Bladder looked normal so no biopsy necessary. Did Distention, held amount of fluid it should. Get appt through post for follow up appt in 6 weeks. Bladder v painful but to be expected. Thankyou everyone for asking after me.
So panicky and low that my pain will go on and on as it has done with no end. Mentally at bottom. Hope my thinking will feel less pesimistic tomorrow and less pain. Wont be able
to post individually but hope everyone is ok. X

*Candy68 Perhaps your tiredness is a combination of things - work, family bereavement, and the weather? Nice that you see your brother and his wife. I bet they appreciate your visits. Spreading your working hours over more days might work out better for you.

SweetpeaSue How did it go? I hope you're ok.

*I meant to say that making a bereavement card sounds like a lovely touch.

Doodle Nice of you to be thinking of us all. I'll have a look at those ice packs, thanks. It's worth a try.

It's been hot and humid here and has just started raining. Day centre was good - a roast dinner (pork, which I don't eat though) then strawberries and cream. Hope all BDers have had a decent day x