Black Dog 17

Wyllow I am so sorry. I thought you would have a few days respite with your sister. Now you’re back playing up again. Would it help if you wore some kind of brace do you think? Have you found out what movements bring it on?
Did you have to give up in the museum trip? Wish I knew some words to help you when you get so low. Hope things look up this evening and a better night for you.
Allsorts keeping up appearances in front of others can be exhausting. I’m sorry about your DD that must be hard to take and you obviously miss your husband greatly. When you say tablets won’t help, have you tried antidepressants? They do take a while to have some effect but they can help. They won’t overcome grief or loss but over time they could help you.
You are welcome to chat here anytime. All problems mental and physical are treated equally so don’t feel yours aren’t worth mentioning. Everybody counts.
nadatuturbe I take it you’re home again. 😊 Hope the break did you good despite all the travelling.

Scaredycat I do painting with acrylics……I use the word painting loosely 🤣. I do acrylic paint pours with liquid paint. No talent needed but the results can be fun.
Thanks DH is a bit better today. Treadmill today. Far too wet to walk outside. It’s been pouring all day.
Have you been out anywhere?
Wyllow your post about your physio wasn’t there when I sent mine. Brace probably wouldn’t help then.
Hope your physio can help more. Good you are seeing her when you get home.
Interesting how being away from your home has made your feelings clearer about moving.

Allsorts To be estranged from your own DD must be so terrible. Then to lose your husband too. I'm so sorry. Loneliness is a dreadful thing. Its good you can get out and mix with people though of course you're not being your true self with them. Many here understand that feeling of putting on a face. I dont really know what to suggest, but counselling and ADs can be helpful to many. Keeping the feelings of deep sadness and sorrow to yourself is immensely damaging and painful. Just hope you can find an outlet for some of that even if it means calling the samaritans at times. So sorry you are carrying such a heavy burden. 💐
Wyllow Oh no that back again! What a shame it had to start up again while youre there. Yes, weary of life.
I don't understand why moods can change so much and so quickly but mine are like that too. Why are we so susceptible? All I can wish for you is that you feel more like you did when you arrived and your day is better tomorrow. Weather rainy and chilly here too - - it makes a difference if you can just be in the garden.
Nadateturbe Hope your watercolor painting is going ok. That was a short trip back to caravan! Well, you ask what I'm knitting and it's a baby jacket. Feel ancient to say I saw it in Woman's Weekly on the mag counter and bought said mag at self-serve till as I felt embarrassed to be seen with it! 😂. (far cry from the days of 'Cosmopolitan' and ' Jackie') Not knitted for 40 yrs but thought it might help my thoughts switch off and its for charity and for a baby so thought it was something I could do with a bit of a purpose.Only telling you cos you asked. It's felt strange knitting the sleeve and thinking of the tiny arm and wondering about the baby who will wear it. Hope you're ok today.

Found replica of our hoover at larger Cxxxys store today. Feeling v empty inside and like a shell. Knee feels like something will come out - penance for yesterday's walk- I'm going to have to go back to Drs - can't bend it properly to walk. Had call and I have appt for MH on Tuesday so I'm lucky but v scared of opening up to someone new. If I'm not believed and I'm 'challenged' about what happened and my perception of cover up ect. I'll know its not for me. I don't really think theyd do that--but if they did it would do untold harm.

Hope everyone managing to have a decent day.


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Sorry, missing everyone's posts. I seem to take ages texting it out.
Scaredycat Alpine walking sounds just incredible. (Sorry if this sounds ridiculous but you do mean Alpine walking as in the Alps, and its not a type of walking) No, that is ridiculous now Ive said it. 🙄.The stick isnt mine but DHs from when he had hip replacement. 5 weeks ago an old prob came back with meniscus in knee and it feels like it will go. I'm feeling upset about it as I could only walk 20 mins other day on beach then limped back with stick.Like Wyllow fed up with it.

Realise Ive prob put my foot in it good and proper. 😩 Woman's Weekly had some very relevant articles in it for the more mature lady. Oh dear. Hope anyone here that buys it will forgive me.I wasn't being truly serious.

Scaredy-cat I do sometimes feel a bit uncomfortable among the trees on my own and am happy to see the odd dog walker. One of my friends hates me going quiet places on my own ( she is not fit to walk) . But I need to get out and at least if I am walking it is doing me good I hope though I feel fatter than ever.
Sorry about your back Wyllow. I hope you can still get out and spend time with your family.
I had a good walk with my friend this morning but afternoon was not good.
I’m tired but will go to another friend tonight. She is 82 and has had a difficult life with her family. One son is just out of prison -been in and out all his life- and I’m a bit nervous of him so hoping he is not there.

What are “acrylic paint pours” Doodle. Yes, couldn’t go out, but have been rewarded by a quiet chat with BiL usually says nothing talking about family, nice to be trusted.

It helps posting on here. And sometimes diary writing it out.

Sweetpeasue

*I have microscopically re read your post and seen nothing except some fun natter as regards general stereotypes of different magazines! Read easy there!

To get an appointment that quickly for MH means they are taking you seriously and will be listening - they would gain nothing by”challenging” you they know people just retreat. Be yourself.
If they start “going somewhere” you feel uneasy about, SAY - say, “I feel scared you are going to judge/label me”.

(*It took me ages to do that*
ie be honest about what I thought they would think/react so it doesn’t surprise me it seems an impossible hurdle)

EllieAnne When I thought of you walking through woods alone I thought how lovely it would be sometimes to be just alone with nature. I think if the woods are well known to you and you feel comfortable most of the time and you enjoy it then carry on. It will be good for mind and body. I'm sure your 82yr old friend must look forward to your visits especially having a difficult time with her family.
Wyllow Thankyou I'm always afraid of saying the wrong thing and it makes life difficult.
You've helped to ease my concerns about the new counselling. I'd got to a place of such trust with previous lady and had formed a special attatchment that I'm finding it really difficult to lose her. She never doubted anything I said about what happened.
Hope that back feels netter tomorrow. Good you have such good physio/yoga backup.

Sweetpeasue I’m a little worried that you might go into your appointment on Tuesday already thinking that they wont believe you. Because of what’s happened in the past, you (understandably) become very emotional when explaining things. When you tell us about it on here, you present the facts well and explain your feelings. I think you find that harder to do when trying to tell someone in real life. When you go on Tuesday, just remember we believe you. Give them a chance to help you as I so want this to work for you. Hope I haven’t upset you by putting it like this. Opening up to anyone is difficult. Nothing is more intimate than our private thoughts and fears. I Hope it’s someone you can relate to.
Hope your knee is feeling better tonight. Don’t be scared of saying the wrong thing. You always judge yourself too harshly. You say nothing wrong. Be yourself and I hope they listen.
I know what you mean about Woman’s Weekly. My mum used to get that. How lovely if you to be knitting something for someone’s baby.
Ellie Anne if you like the quietness of being in the trees then perhaps stick to the paths you know. I would be a bit nervous I must admit but I can understand how peaceful it would be.
Hope you have a nice time with your friend. She must look forward to your visits.
Wyllow I will try and find a link about the paint pours so you can see it. Your BIL sounds a nice man.
Good advice for Sweetpeasue.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnI7lS63VRo
Wyllow this is the sort of thing I mean (mine aren’t anything like this. I just pour the paint on the canvas and Hope for the best 🤣)

Scaredycat it's a shame you can't enjoy a glass of wine. I've tried non alcoholic but it doesn't taste the same. I wonder could you find something nice to replace it.
I love a paddle too. It seems wrong to be on the beach and not have a paddle.
Sticks help your balance when walking, young people use them too.
Thanks for watercolour tip. It's good to be able to draw as well as paint. I can't.
You understand Wyllow3 very well and have given her good advice.
Wyllow3.I think you will learn a lot on this break. I think it's helping you to get a clearer picture of where you want your future to be.
It's so unfortunate that you have this back injury pain on top of everything else. No wonder you feel weary of life sometimes. It would really get you down, and you must be waiting for it to happen. Thank goodness for tramadol. I hope the physio can work out what triggers it. Does it maybe need surgery. You must miss your walks too. Sorry you missed the trip. Hope tomorrow is better.
And yes, husband needs to know I'm there, thanks.
Doodle hope you are OK. I'd never heard of pouring acrylics, have been looking on YouTube.
I'm not going anywhere for at least a week, too much driving.
EllieAnne I too would be a bit nervous walking in trees but then I'm scared of everything ( husband says I'm like piglet)). Lots of ladies do it all the time. I would usually go to a NT property, I feel a bit safer there if I'm alone. I hope your visit is OK tonight. I'm sure your friend appreciates it.
Sweetpeasue I've been typing this on and off for at least 2 hours! I don't know how people respond quickly.
You made me laugh about Woman's Own.lol. Recently I bought People's Friend the same way. I used to love all those woman's magazines. What a nice thing to do- knitting for little children. And it's relaxing too. Gives you something to concentrate on.
It's great you got an appointment so quickly. I think Wyllow3 has given you good advice.
I'm sure there are some I haven't spoken to. But I'm just out of energy. Sorry.

Doodle You are so right about me getting emotional when telling my experienve in RL and no, you've not upset me by your suggestion. Even writing my posts I become emotional and often need to stop at times, though we get chance to do that here. Its helped that when I write here it clarifies my thoughts at times.Oh yes I hope it's someone who isnt too young.Hope that doesn't sound awful but I really believe I could connect so much better with a 'mature' person. Thankyou for caring Doodle My mum used to get Woman's Own. I used to look at the Agony Aunt pages (in private) I think by a woman called Evelyn and wondered what heavy petting was. 🤔 Glad your DH is feeling better.
Nadateturbe Glad it's not only me that can take ages. I dont think anyone feels put out if not mentioned here as its such a caring thread though I understand the feeling of not wanting to miss people out. You mustnt drain your energy we understand the ME. Glad I made you smile about WW. (Think Victoria Wood's suggestions of what to do with WW made a lot of people giggle) 😂
Wyllow You have such valuable info about MH and we all appreciate it.
. Really hoping your back pain settles and you can enjoy the rest of your time with sis and BIL. You need to feel loved and appreciated after all youve been through with ex and your sis and BIL obvs care for you v much.

Hope everyone has a peaceful night.

Oh I just love that technique Doodle! What fun!

Sweetpeasue you know, one thing you could do is come out upfront with, "I'm afraid that you'll......." that could help a lot. I can think of times wasted by beating about the bush as it were.
Like me saying upfront to psychologist, "I'm always just afraid you'll discharge me". (when it's how I feel)

Just hoping for a better night watch this space in the morning!

Actually I'm thinking well even if I don't go out to seaside its been valuable as cant predict back so better attitude to start from.

Spot on about post-Ex re establishing its Ok to be who I am as things just pop up and..it's OK like learning something. Sadly feel that here it's more possible than with DS and family, but then, sis and bro have been through a lifetime with me and BiL been around for 40 years too.

I feel very safe in our local woods EllieAnne as its quiet but not empty.

night all BD's present, reading, occasional.

Re - "missing people out". I think Ok to post in bits and bobs, it has to be, if you've got a running conversation with someone. Point is for me people posting here if only now and then are part of this 'belonging'

You're right of course Wyllow3. We often post to one individual. I think I was just feeling anxious and tired. Goodnight all.x

Wyllow3 Has the decorating been done now? Nice that you get on so well with your sister and brother (I always wished I'd had a sister). 11 hours sleep! You must have been very tired to have slept all that time. How's the back today?

SweetpeaSue. Glad the chest pain wasn't anything heart-related. Is the Lansoprazole helping? Gaviscon is good. How's the knee? How's the knitting coming along? (I've never knitted anything, I can't follow a pattern ). Will you post a photo when you've done it?

Doodle How are you and your husband?
EllieAnne It's the weekend, again - thinking of you and hoping you manage to see a friend today.
Nadateturbe How are you getting on?
ScaredyCat How are you today?

Had a nice time in Isle of Wight, the weather was beautiful until yesterday, when it poured all day. It took 11 hours to get home (10 to get there). I've got Lymhodema (complication of Vasculitis, apparently), so wearing compression socks and drinking lots. Hope to be able to get an emergency GP appointment on Monday, and get diuretics (can't believe I'm ending up like this). Glad to be home, but so fed-up. Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day x

I don’t answer everybody either. I forget who has said what and get confused. Sorry.
I went to the hairdresser this morning. Not my favourite place because of the mirrors. And I sat there thinking I don’t want to be here but I don’t want to go home.
But it wasn’t too bad because dh was upstairs watching golf so I got to watch the Wimbledon final.
Not seeing any friends today and probably not walking .
I’m sorry to sound so negative but really don’t see much point in my life just now.

EllieAnne, good you got to see it. I have my own bedroom and TV. We both like our own space. Can you not have that? I'm sorry you feel so down. I don't know your whole background but what could you change to make it better? (Sorry if that's a stupid question).
HVDY that was a very long journey. I've been reading about lymphodema. I'm sorry the vasculitis has developed into that. Look after yourself.
My upper body is very sore since yesterday in spite of cocodamol. Probably all the visitors. Just going to have a warm bath and into bed.
Was nice watching the tennis. (in my pjs).
Hope you're all OK.x

Sorry anyone having a bad time. Was at my brother and sister in law's from Monday until yesterday. She is busy making things for a craft fair with a friend in September. I brought these. She needle felts and crochets. Asked how much for the fox and badger she said £5 each so gave her £20 . I know how long each one takes to make so she gave me the otter as a present.

Craft fairs are great but people won't pay the price for things . They don't realised how many hours go into making things by hand. Each of the animals took 2 days . My sister in law has MS but she loves crafting. There are things she can't do but does things she can.

That's why I never sell my cross stitch. As no one would pay the price of something that took 2 days let alone something that takes 3 months. Anyway I hope they put a smile on your faces.

My mom got lymphoma after she had her first mastectomy in her arm had to wear the tight sleeve for months and it was very painful. HVDY hope you can get help from your GP on Monday.

Whiff they are so lovely! Glad it went OK.

HVDY your feelings very understandable indeed. After a nice time brought down yet again as it were. You must be tired with the travel home too.

EllieAnne feel the same right now so big hugs and understanding of your state of mind x.

Bad black hole on waking just now yet today has been successful. Back dodgy but OK and we all went out to a beach, got wet rain mainly off but vv windy and most of all `I walked for 50 mins and it was OK and came back and slept. so why does my mind punish myself so very badly on waking? Family have been kind and some bits of "real"contact". Possible that beach walk reminded me of best times with Ex and now alone and seeing sis and husband happy together in low key sort of way

but its a sort of curse that s good time is followed by why live?

Glad you gave in to your body's orders and had a PJ day nadateturbe nought wrong wi' that.

Greetings/love to all BD's to ko keeping on.

Hi All
Lost my post as DD and SiL came round so dropped everything- literally!!!
Lovely to see them both and so grateful they are so near.
Doodle- that painting method looks such fun- can you show us one you have done?
No rain yesterday so went with friends to the new coffee shop up the road and had a good catch up. They are from my old Life class and we keep in touch regularly.
SweetPeaSue- what a shame your knee is playing up too- can you wear a knee support on it?
We used to love walking in the Alps during Summer- just normal walking but high up and lovely scenery. Used to,ski there in Winter too. Now the smallest incline makes me tired😩 I think Wyllow has given you good advice for your MH appt next week. Just be yourself and tell them that you are worried that you won’t be believed and that it scares you.They are there to help you and want you to feel comfortable and cared for.
EllieAnne- I wouldn’t walk in the woods alone - it’s the closed in feeling and not being able to see far that scares me a bit.Also I,m inclined to agree with your friend - walking alone needs you to be very aware of your surroundings. However being out in nature is so important for mind and body- just take care.
I don’t like the hairdressers mirrors but I have to take my glasses off so I can’t see the wrinkles clearly😀
At least you got to,see the Tennis in peace - wish you had your own space more often .
Nadaturbe- sometimes I have a little sip of wine if DH is having a glass- still love the taste. I usually have Elderflower Tonic if I go out.
You need to recharge your batteries after such a busy week- enjoy a few days taking it easier. PJs and warm bath sound so comforting - rest well.
Wyllow- I love it that you are starting to feel that you are OK just as you are- a kind,funny,clever and interesting person.
Yes our siblings give us comfort as nobody knows us like they do- so much shared history,childhood memories etc. that’s how I feel with my Sis.
You have a lot to digest from this trip - for many reasons but the fact you made it is wonderful.
You did well to make the beach walk and not have back problems . Bet your sleep was a peaceful one too.
Your family must be so happy to have had you with them- they sound lovely. Maybe you could consider that the beach walk could also signal the beginning of better times for you . Different times sure but there is much to live for.
HVDY- glad you are,home safely and that you had a great time.Lymphoma must be very,painful and you really didn’t need that to develop so no wonder you are fed up. GP should help you Monday .
Hope baby is doing well she will have grown a bit while you were away.
Love to all

Lovely post as ever Scaredeycat yea like you describe with family and glad you got out yesterday AND had a lovely visit today.
Are they faraway?
Trouble with this sis is distance but hurray for WhatSApp.

I don’t have any family and sons are too far to drop in. It’s just us in this house and it feels like a prison. And so much needing done and being ignored when I bring it up.
I keep thinking of all the bad things I’ve done and thinking I don’t deserve anything better. I feel I’ve failed my children and wonder if it’s my fault that my daughter has mental health problems.
The best time of day is when I go to bed. I watch something on I pad until I fall asleep.

Took some things to the local charity shop today. Had to walk a bit from the car and hurried because it started raining. Nearly didn’t make I back. So exhausted I had to stand still for a few minutes. Collapsed into the car when j got there. Ok after about 10 mins but it was a shock.
nadateturbe don’t know what I’d do with out my evening glass of wine. I’m like piglet and get scared a lot too. No walking in woods for me either. Hope the warm bath and bed helps you to relax.
Scaredycat how nice to have a visit from your DD and SIL. Good that they live close by.
Nice to meet up with your arty friends and good that you keep in touch. Yes I will unearth one of my daubs and show you a picture soon.
I love thé Alps but only walking. Never learnt to ski. You must have really enjoyed it the scenery there is so lovely.
That’s a really nice post to Wyllow and such wise words too.
Wyllow I love walking on the beach in windy weather and seeing the waves whipped up by the wind. You obviously enjoyed it to manage 50 minutes.
Just wondered if your worst BD times are on waking. I ask because that’s when I’m at my lowest. I wake un the morning and all my fears come rolling in. I’m better later in the day.
You are so right, it doesn’t matter if people post every day or reply to one or all. It’s just popping in and saying hello makes BD be somewhere people can get companionship from.
Whiff those are really lovely. Your SIL is so clever. I bet she sells a lot at the craft fairs. You are right about how much effort goes into things. Really pretty. I love the little fox one.
Ellie Anne you don’t have to reply to everyone or even anyone. Just pop in and tell us how you are doing. You can post as much or as little as you like we don’t mind. Just here for each other. You sound low and I can under that. I’ve been a bit the same myself recently. Glad you got to see the tennis. Wish you had more things to do that you enjoyed.
HVDY glad you’re back safely. Hope you had a really good time. Sounds like the weather was good most of the time then.
Long journey thought.
So sorry about the lymphoedema. Sounds unpleasant. The diuretic treatment helped DH get rid of lots of fluid in his legs Hope it helps you too. Please insist on seeing the GP Monday you need to get treatment soon.
Sweetpeasue I think Wyllow gave good advice about being up front and telling the MH people your fears first. Good idea to tell them what you are worried about and explain about getting emotional when you talk about things. Do hope it’s someone you can relate to.
DH has hurt his back. My fault. Got him to help moving a chair. Like you Wyllow he has a weakness there. He’s taking Co codamol to help. Hope it improves soon ( I’ve got more things to move 🤣)

Whiff hello. Your little animals are really lovely. £5 is much too cheap. I would love the fox.
But it's true what you say. It's the same with paintings. Many people don't understand the time and effort that goes into making something.
Thanks Wyllow3. Sounds like a lovely invigorating walk. I wish I could answer your question. It's frustrating having an enjoyable time and then waking up feeling so depressed. But this trip seems to be doing you good. You're having a lovely time with family, you seem more relaxed and maybe this could help you look forward.
Scaredycat That sounds like a lovely day, catchup with friends and family visit. Its so lovely to have family living close. I totally agree, family are special. You can talk and share with them in a way you wouldn't do with others.
I often do that with my husbands wine too if I've taken painkillers. Sometimes that's all thats needed to satisfy a longing- a sip of wine or a square of chocolate!
How is everyone? I've had fish finger sandwich in bed, couldn't eat a big meal. No hardship I love fish fingers.