Black Dog 16

Sweetpeasue My hair has been ginger, plum, black, dyed grey, brown, and every shade of blonde . Not ready yet to leave it natural. I feel the last 8 weeks of being on these tablets have been a waste of time, as nothing has improved. Things could be worse, though - Vasculitis can occur anywhere in the body (heart, brain, eyes, etc).

Wyllow3 Some people, whether they have MH problems or not, cannot accept responsibility for their own (often very bad) behaviour. You did well to get free of him. Keep telling yourself that, and reminding yourself that you're stronger than you realise.

I'm going to listen to some music on my headphones and I might even have a vodka or 2 x

I think some of our anger stuff may be similar Sweetpeasue it was never allowed in my childhood family. so its scary as it = lack of love. Dad used to send me upstairs, "until I could be myself".

You re right about the moving Scaredycat.
Oh dear...another one of us over doing it xx

HVDY - very definitely hope for an earlier appointment for you. those skin conditions are tormenting not to mention a mystery - tho probably known to the consultants ..but then thats who you need to see

(Ex is still and was with the MH team HVDY so its a yes he def has MH stuff but won't accept real help as nothing much wrong with him he'll own up to - *everyone else is to blame, and always was, of course!*)

HVDY I dont think our hair colours can be too different. I colour mine a Dark Golden Blonde but looks more of a Golden brown.
Oh I do hope you can get an earlier appt. Good luck with getting in touch with sec tomorrow. Not right continuing getting new rashes all the time.

Scaredycat You are out of your home routine so I'm sure the journey and seeing new things will be tiring. I hope you can enjoy your days away and not expect too much of yourself. x

Wyllow So sorry you're being torn is such a way. Ivs never been able to respond spontaneously with anger.
I wonder if you feel that way. As if you have learnt to expect anger so you shut off and end up putting it aside. You must have had to do that so much. You are doimg amazing but I'm sure it's going to take a while and there might not be a fast route. So sorry. Thinking of you-you are not alone here.

Wyllow3 No wonder you've had, and are still having, such emotions and MH problems, when your ex was so very abusive in so many ways. He obviously has MH problems himself. Keep telling yourself that you've come a long way and have made such great strides to get on with your life.

SweetpeaSue I started going white at the age of 25, and coloured it black (my natural colour was black, the same as both sons), for many years. About 3 years ago, I applied a few boxes of stuff to strip the colour, and I did my hair blonde. It's now all white, if I left it, but is dyed a light brown, but I'm going to put some blonde streaks in it myself and then keep lightening it.

Saw brother and his wife, had a carvery. It brightened up and the sun came out. Rheumatology nurse rang, was very nice and sympathetic, said she'll get a Pharmacist to ring me tomorrow morning, but that I'll need to speak with Neurologist's secretary, to try to get the October appointment brought forward. Nobody there after 4pm, so I'll ring tomorrow. Another new rash appeared again this morning.

EllieAnne, Nadateturbe, Doodle, Whiff, ScaredyCat and others - hope you've all been ok x

I've been to my book class and felt terrible there. So tired and I just wanted to leave but stuck it out to the end.
Early hrs woke up to sickening pain in uterus. Cant tell you how scared I am now--I thought that part of me was fine now as Ive not bled for 3mths. I'm really scared now as can't cope with anything else. It was severe but after painkillers and about an hr it subsided. Wondering allsorts now. Have ultrasound on tum on Monday so long trip up to hosp. Nerves and emotions frazzled. I cant share with anyone so hope you dont mind another moan.

Hi everybody .
Just managed to get on internet!! I,ve caught up with you all but
I,m so tired because guess what- I,ve overdone it a bit and need to rest - mind and body. Like somebody said when you have a good day you want to do everything . But we are enjoying seeing some new places. I,m not moaning because I realise I am lucky to be able to have these few days away but I have to accept I,m never going to be like I was again.
Wyllow- I feel so sad that you are so haunted by your ex and his behaviour. I do believe when you feel well enough to do it a new home would help,you to heal.
Doodle- hope the physio is pleased with you.x
SweetPeaSue- honestly if you let your hair grow out and have a good short cut you will feel better about your hair. My hair is really thin but L’Oréal thickening products do help and it sounds like you would have a lovely colour if you grow it out.
HVDY- have a nice lunch with your Bro and SiL.
Nadaturbe- hope you get some restorative sleep soon.
Candy,Whiff,EllieAnne etc hope there are some bright moments for you all this week. Nanny sending kind thoughts your way.
Sorry not to write much today but know that I think of you all every day - xxx

I'm stuck in the anger bits of loss. Anger seems terrifying to me I repress it. it feels like anger will make me lose everything of love.
Its one of the facets of my MH stuff that I cant move on/within/beyond anger always has

but I cant run away either as it comes after you. I used to be able to get angry in ordinary ways in my family life when DS was little and accept it back but this stuff with Ex is way out of that ordinary territory.

but reading up on it you have to go through anger and a certain amount of depression to finally accept loss not run away into manic occupying myself as I sometimes do.

Yes, gather up courage and see a hairdresser for a cut and colour x

HVDY Hope you get a response from Rheumatology. Enjoy your lunch. Really cold here - 12deg.
I've thought about a wig many times. The decision to wear one raises a lot of complications. People in everyday life and closer suddenly seeing you with thick hair after seeing you as you are. My own feelings about covering up true self. Discomfort. So many issues.
I dont feel strong enough right now to tackle it all I suppose.
Wyllow That time when your ex was in the manic phase must have been so traumatic, it sounds just terrible. The changing of the furniture in the night must have been so scary to wake up to. The abuse though would wear most people down and chink away, bit by bit of your confidence amd self-esteem. You have been so strong to make that break. No-one could live like that.

I saw a Dermatologist(who also deals with hair-loss. There's nothing can be done I'm afraid. I doneed to get it cut properly though.
EllieAnne I was actually at school when a girl pointed out a white hair in the cloaktroom. I kept still while she pulled it out for me.(I felt I didnt have a choice as there was gathering interest from other girls) They were amazed - it was pute white. When I was 19 a man in a Newsagents pointed it out in a shop full of people and started singing 'Silver threads amongst the gold'. He was laughing and his wife stopped him. I was mortified.
It's a bind having to keep up with it isn't it? Hope you've been ok today. EllieAnne.

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I'm white with little bit of blonde and happy with it as there is enough of it and its thickish. It went that colour naturally, for a long time is was actually ash blonde and looked like it was done. Well sometimes you hit lucky on something...

So never dyed it and the keeping the roots up must be quite a chore..

EllieAnne the advice I believe is to have streaks put in, so you can make the change gradually.

Honestly its a relief not to keep it up - just listening to ladies at the gym tells me that.

I am still so angry - rare for me - about what I wrote about. Partly the lack of care available and also that I didn't tell them all he was up to as afraid of him. could have shouted louder, but that would have meant so much abuse at home. As in I had turned against him big time. He wasn't supposed to drive and one night unknown to me drove down south and back and pranged a lorry - all straight from a very badly written episode of East enders. I said nothing....raiding our joint accounts for alcohol..more stuff like that.

I started going grey in my 30s so have died it since. But the roots come through so quickly it’s a real problem. I think it would be white if I left it and I would not mind but it would look awful growing out

Just lost a long post - grrrr...

I was just thinking Sweetpeasue that there are expert tricologists who may be able to help - but rare to get on NHS. But in the meantime I hope you can pluck up the courage to see a good hairdresser. To give you the best possible cut. I like other's ideas about a soft blonde or ash blonde.

Doodle how did the cake turn out? do trebuchet a slice. that is, if there is any left. 3 appointments in a week is a lot to get too - I just hope that some positives come out of them.

I'm quite shocked by the effect of those meds HVDY all those rashes. Roll on the end of the course of those tablets. Hope you enjoy your late lunch and so agree about the weather - no sun here either despite forecasts. It makes such a difference.

Candy I've long wondered about dreams and meds. I've been on exactly the same ones for a long time and cant attribute the periods of bad dreams or any dreams particularly to them, but since you are still relatively new to your AD's your brain might be adjusting.

Nadateturbe I hope you are having a "being able to do something" day. You are good/have learnt how "not to do". Day by day copping tho is different from looking in the "wish I could do's" in the longer term. Still a work in progress?

I had a really bad night. Hours of not things going through my mind, but a wakeful dread but no thoughts. I think I know why.
My counselling was powerful and stirred things up. I diverted myself from the loneliness and fear last night in the end by wine and "doing", but I think it came home to roost.

What is was is that my counselling covered the period when things first started to get really bad with Ex. It was really sudden as it was v severe MH related and there wasn't the help there. Very severe mania for weeks.

When I was an inpatient in 2006 there were people sectioned who were weller than he was last year.

Living with 24/7 mania and abuse for that period and him not getting enough help (it partly happened over Christmas) was traumatising and I buried it as things kept on happening all year.Things happening like he suddenly got meds changed by someone who hadn't even seen him on Christmas Eve to a med with a very bad rep - no follow up - when he gave me a break staying at his mums he entered the house in the middle of the night unknown to me and deliberately moved furniture around to disturb - so much like that....so I have to accept I have to work through these things as well as the loss side. (I have a lot of anger actually, but its complicated by guilt as he was ill as well as abusive).

Anyway going to the gym this morning helped by breaking the cycle, it took all I've got to get dressed and get out.
I couldn't imagine ever being able to move house and get away from this place with all its triggers.

Candy6 Glad the ADs are helping you.
SweetpeaSue I once bought a wig from Amazon, wore it a couple of times when my hair was like straw after stripping the dye out .

Going to meet my brother and his wife for a late lunch at 2 (brother's idea). It's grey and cool here - where's this heatwave? Rang Rheumatology helpline, left a voicemail. Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day x

Doodle I've used Betty Crocker's 'Devil's Food' chocolate cake mix. It's wickedly good. 😋
Logically I know I shouldn't be ashamed, but I just am. My mum and her mum looked lovely with pure white hair. I just can't.
Nadateturbe I went to a Dermatologist 20 yrs ago. I had Regaine(Minoxidil) on prescription and it didn't seem to make any difference. Do hope you have a restful night. (Hope Rich T won't be needed)
HVDY Thanks for understanding about son. He'll just have stuff to do after his 2 week offshore. Actually have thought of wig or hair piece. Trouble is I don't see hairdressers. Actually might try a mobile hairdresser I looked up. Just been so much happening that seems to take my energy.
Candy Hope you feel the ADs are helping.


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Evening all.
HVDY yes, best to follow what the neurologist told you. Shame you haven’t received a phone call to ask advice though. That’s the trouble these days, it’s hard to get to speak to anyone when you might only need a quick word. So frustrating. Good you’ve got a new baby in the family to look forward to, you must be delighted. Glad you had a nice time with your friend too. I hope the new rash doesn’t cause any problems.
Nadaterturbe yes, you’re right about sleep, some nights it just won’t come and then when it does, it’s not always that restful. I think I may have difficulty tonight as I had a nap after work. I was exhausted. Hop e you have a good sleep tonight.
Wyllow hope your back is ok and you are getting some rest both physically and mentally.
Sweetpeasue yes it’s been cold and overcast here too. So disappointing after the good weather at the weekend. I hope your meeting with the consultant on Saturday can shed some light on your problems and give you some comfort and peace from it all
Doodle hope your knee is ok. What a lot of appointments you have this week. I hope you get something from them. Strange what we dream about. I have real weird dreams. I put it down to the meds.

Night all. Sending ❤️ To all xx

Wyllow3 I'm sorry about your feeling lonely, I just didn't know what to say. I'm not very good with words.
Sweetpeasue I'm letting my hair go grey, I'm wondering would it help if you did that.

Wyllow3 It's natural to want someone just for you. Feeling lonely is awful. Don't give up on the idea of finding someone one day. You never know.

Doodle I can usually switch my mind off thinking about disturbing things, like why do children not visit, or the past, but sometimes I know it's not going to work. I too have really weird vivid dreams, often related to the past.
3 days in a row at hospital. Thats a heavy schedule. Hope the physio helps, Didn't realise your wrist is still painful.
Apparently eating a lot of carbs makes you tired.
Judt remembered, I had a similar baby dream last night, perhaps we were thinking about HVDY's news.
If I'm really tired I can't sit outside but I'm used to just waiting for it to pass.
Sweetpeasue a friend has a hereditary condition and goes to a hair specialist (I'm sure there's a proper name) who treats it very successfully with something she rubs in to the scalp. It's perfectly understandable worrying about hair loss.
HVDY thanks, I had avocado on toast.
You're such a thoughtful mother. It's difficult with names, isn't it? When my first son was born a card arrived from MiL with to baby xxxx (my husbands name.) It was just assumed. Lol. Poor child was stuck with it.
Good evening Wyllow3. Hope the counselling helped and you sleep well. .

Hello to everyone else. Wishing you a peaceful night.

Doodle More hospital appointments for you and DH then. The physiotherapist will assess your pain and give you appropriate exercises. Are you taking painkillers? I haven't had any blood tests (and no appointments for any) whilst on the steroids. The new GD will be Charlotte (they said definitely not Charlie or Lottie). Big sister is almost 13, so she'll help out a bit.

SweetpeaSue Your hair loss must be quite distressing for you. Have you ever considered a hairpiece? Don't feel ashamed! These things can't be helped. What colour do you dye your hair? Blonde might be less obvious. I hope you manage to get in contact with your son soon. No matter how grown-up there are, we still worry about them, don't we?

Wyllow glad the session went well. Glad your back is feeling a bit better. I Hope you keep some good bits of your art. Those you are pleased with or express what you wanted them to.
Loneliness is such an awful thing. Not being on you own but feeling lonely. I Hope you find companionship but more so you get to feel comfortable in yourself.
Sweetpeasue my DSIL had white hair from her late 20s. I realise you feel embarrassed about its thinnesses. Embarrassment I can understand but you have no reason to be ashamed. You can’t control what happens to your hair. It’s one of those things. Have you ever thought of leaving it white? It can be quite attractive on some people.
Sons eh.. always busy.
Hope your DHs physio went well. My turn Thursday.
I’ve just made a cake (well me and Betty Crocker 🤣). Had some eggs going out if date as I don’t usually bake at this time if night. It smells nice. Vanilla sponge but I’m putting chocolate icing inside.

Nadateturbe Hope you sleep better tonight. Chocolate Buttons are so extraordinary aren't they? Just the right meltability in the mouth.
Wyllow The 'wanting family/someone just for me' is so moving and very understandable. It's such early days after a huge loss and I don't know what to say. Sending a caring, gentle hug. x

Nanny Thinking of you tonight and I hope you managed to get some more compassionate leave. x

Evening all. Bit too tired to say much but read everyone and taken it in!

Had good counselling session, heck of a lot to digest, back a bit better, used new physio tactics. Not done a lot or could really rest. couldn't rest but avoided extra meds as hats happening too much.

Yes it IS good to go through some of my art stuff: it is good to chuck the rubbish bits out: there's some really triggering stuff Thats valuable in a way but"handle with care". However its easy to do too much to avoid BD loneliness and wanting family/someone for me which prevails so much.

Sorry cant mention all but noted *Sweetpeasue" its Saturday.

Love to all. BD's.

Doodle We've done it again!
Think we're all keeping NHS busy aren't we? Oh that's a lot of hospital visits in 1 week. Hope something good comes out of it. DH has had hand physio. It was ok really but suppose it depends on what's wrong. Physio even had his hands in warm wax. Your hospital cafe sounds good.
I'm another who's put weight on. It's so easy. About the hair loss, on top of my other post I think I need more iron in diet as Ive just remembered results of blood test done a couple of mths ago said my iron was low. Need to ne careful of bowels with taking painkillers though.

How is everyone. Hope Scaredycat is enjoying her hol.