Black Dog 15

Wyllow I really feel for you being in that awful despair and your nights being so dark and fearful.
I'm sure that whatever your ex has said, and some he will have lied about, has been said to hurt you. He is hitting back as he knows those good times were indeed good - you mustnt let him sour that for you.

You are worth so much and he let you slip through his fingers and he wanted you back. Now he can't have that he is wounding you with words. Don't believe them.
Those frightening thoughts will pass, but it's the waiting for them to pass that is scary. Glad you can see your Psychologist on Tuesday. Of course you will tell her of your need for continued MH support and how bad you have been feeling, leave nothing out.
You have been through hell and anyone would feel completely drained, emotionally and physically, even without CFS.
We are stronger than we feel. (was going to put 'think' there but feel is better word)
We have all made bad decisions at times. Ive made some really stupid ones at times too.
Offering the hand that yours reached out to not long ago. x

Wyllow I hadnt seen your post. The poem seems flippant now. Hope you're ok. 💐

Wyllow I’m so sorry it must be so hard for you.
When my dear brother had dementia we grieved the loss of him while he was still alive (if you see what I mean) and then after I tried to forget all the awful stuff and concentrate on the good times. I think that’s what you were trying to do but now he’s cast doubt on whether those times were good or not.
Trouble is you can’t trust him to tell the truth anyway. Maybe those good times really were good for you both and he’s making up the stuff he says now to hurt you.
The middle of the night is a bad time for a troubled mind,
I hope you rest tonight and know that it might not be much but we are here for you and with you. 💕
Yes DHs procedures don’t have nice names..
Sweetpeasue that’s lovely thank you.

Hi all.
Doodle- so sorry that you felt down yesterday. No wonder though watching your poor DH in pain. I hope today the nurses can put your mind at rest.
Yes it is nice living close to my D and GD . The new cafe is not open yet😩😩I think maybe at the weekend. Anyway we walked to the one further away which is nice as well and had coffee and scones. I really have to walk much slower at the moment but lovely to be with them.
Yes I did FT my sister- she is happy as she has a new GGC to add to her family. Also to be with her beloved cats again.
Hope you feel better todayxx
Wyllow- oh you have had a rough time and dealt very bravely with the shattering of your confidence. I hope one day you can remember the good times without such doubt. Your Ex is the one with the problem he has done his best to undermine and
Be unkind to you.
I,m glad you are seeing your psychologist Tuesday as you most definitely need continuing MH help with your fears and worries. Nights can be interminable and so lonely . I hope you had a better night last night.
SweetPeaSue- another lovely poem- thank you. Hope you are having a pain free day.
HVDY,EllieAnne, Candy ,Whiff, Nadateturbe and all hope you all find something to enjoy today.xx

Wyllow Sorry you've been feeling so low. It sounds as though you did have some good times with your ex, and that he did care for you, until his mental health caused him to be controlling and manipulative etc. I expect that he now realises he lost someone and something good in his life, and that because you won't get back with him, he's bitter and nasty. His words and actions are meant to hurt you now, but you're stroner than you give yourself credit for. You split with him because of his behaviour. He knows that. Don't let him drag you down again.

Doodle I hope you and your husband are sleeping better at nights and that his legs are easing a bit.

SweetpeaSue I love the poem. Hope you're ok today.

ScaredyCat Another GGC for your sister - lovely. How many cats has your sister got? I miss my Mr Cooper, but we're not going to have another cat (yet, anyway).

EllieAnne, Candy, Whiff, Nadateturbe Hope you're all ok today.

I went to aqua aerobics with my friend, then to the pub for a late breakfast. A different pub, later, for tea, with Son1. Hope all BDers have managed to have a decent day x

HVDY You've had a nice morning and breakfast with friend, nice tea with son, sounds lovely. Hope your legs arent too bad. Bladder pain bad though eased off more by lunchtime.
Scaredycat Sounds like a good morning. You must notice the slow walking as you are a regular walker. Im sure as you become stronger your pace will quicken. Covid can leave a temporary tiredness, hope you notice a difference soon.
Doodle I hope the nurse was of help this morning about DHs legs.
Wyllow Really hope you are feeling brighter this morning and your night was an improvement to the previous one.

Woman from MH called this morning. Is coming to visit tomorrow. Had first appt bowel physio this morning. Don't think she'd come across my particular pain and probs but got what I think is the usual advice. Was v nice and see her in 2mths time. She thinks could be nerve prob too. So MH lady tomorrow. Apparently I now fall into the'old'category (over 65s) - just 🤔
GP said Id be at a different centre but cant have realised Im in the old place-to usedMH lady's words. This centre caters for Dementia section too. Crikey. Feeling terribly old now!
DH is troubling me a bit healthwise so keeping an eye on him.
Hope everyone has been ok today. x

Scredycat thank you I’m a bit better today though wobbly.
If something upsets or worries me I have to keep working it though in my mind till I can somehow come to terms with it. Sometimes that is harder than others,
We went out today for the first time in a couple of weeks. Only walked a few hundred yards but I felt it was important for DH to have some fresh air in the sunshine. He was commenting on how quickly his health and walking ability has deteriorated. It’s only a few weeks since we were out walking and visiting places.
Shame about the cafe. Hope you get to try it soon.
A new baby is always the source of joy as are being with the family pets. Good your sister is happy being back at home now.
HVDY wow you’ve been out and about today. Pub breakfast and lunch…..I’m envious. Did you have fried breakfast? It’s my favorite. Nice to go with your son. How is he doing?
Sweetpeasue nurse isn’t sure why DHs legs are so painful but thinks it’s probably nerve related. His legs are so tender to the touch. Putting cream in helps for a bit but he’s taking painkillers a lot too.
Wow a home visit from MH people. I hope it helps.
At least the bowel physio person is someone else who can try and help your pain. If it doesn’t work then you can say you tried it and it didn’t help. Glad she was nice to you though.
Ah another one with DH issues. Perhaps we should get them all together for a good MOT service .
Wyllow hope you had a better night last night, gym today?

SweetpeaSue I hope your MH visit goes well tomorrow. My GP told me that medically they view patients of 65 + as being elderly, so I've got a little over a year to go . Is your husband's BP the problem again? My legs are fine today - it's odd how they aren't painful every day (I probably need to be more active every day)

Doodle Your poor husband's legs sound sore. Do they get wet? I hope the cream and painkillers will ease them. I only have an omelette for breakfast at the pub. My friend has the full works - a full English with black pudding and the lot. Son1 was very talkative, as always , and he finished work early so that he could go to Parent's evening of his eldest daughter. Pub dinner was good, then we went to a micro pub, he and DH had a few pints of real ale, and I drove us all back. I hope you and your husband have a decent night tonight.

Hope all BDers have a restful night x

Doodle I'm glad you managed to get DH into the fresh air today and it was bright and sunny. I'm sure it must help him to know that he can walk out even a short distance though its worrying to realise its far from what he could do a short time ago. If husband's leg pain is nerve related does this happen randomly without specific reason? I think that's the way with nerve pain. They must be very painful indeed. I'm so sad to hear of his continued troubles. Its just so worrying for you. You sound the most caring partner and you are doing all you can to help. I hope you look after yourself too but it must be so hard. Oh yes-- group MOT for DHs, good idea. Nurse today was lovely. She wrote down lots of stuff about when bowel pain began(just after op). I'm v doubtful that this route is suitable for my problems at all but will have to go with it.Next appt 2mths. A long time. Never mind.
Hope you both have a peaceful night.

Wishing all a peaceful night. x

HVDY I will say to you what I say to my younger sis (14mths younger) - you're catching me up! 😂Glad legs weren't painful today. (DH had speech prob again). Hope your DH is getting by ok.

Sweetpeasue be reassured about being in Older Adults.
The dementia care is in an utterly completely different department, different staff, even if in same building.

( That was a fear I had which served me badly as it gave me preconceptions at the worst time, but in fact you are probably better off in O/A.)

Yes, it starts at 65 everywhere. Locally Older Adults is the best run and best functioning part of the MH service.

That's because Adult Mental Health runs from 16 to 65, an enormous complex huge pool and does not currently serve people well: pretty much overwhelmed.

Older Adults is by its nature smaller and the staff tend to know each other better: AND tbh staff are themselves more mature and often more experienced.

There are some advantages being older...

you have had a very quick response indeed to get a home visit in the time frame from the referral from your GP. Just...totally tell it like it is..try and trust.

I'm totally pre-occupied by my appointment tomorrow with the psychologist at 1pm. Just had a long phone call with sis - sympathetic but doesn't understand a lot - she's great on tums. Yes did go to the gym. the outcome I want is to carry on seeing psychologist monthly without any time frame. Because having a time frame just freaks me out I'll be rejected and makes stuff worse.

Glad you got out Doodle even if for a very short time..its essential to feel you can just manage a bit. "If something upsets or worries me I have to keep working it though in my mind till I can somehow come to terms with it". Yes. natural, and sort of essential even tho its a painful process.

Good to hear of nice morning with family, Scaredeycat. I hope you find your walking returns to normal quite soon.

It has returned to my mind to move up to be closer to my family, but have to be sure it's the right thing. Not to mention being well enough physically and mentally to do it, but at 72 I don't want to delay and delay. (and part of diet of coping with move is continuing MH care)

Night night BD's

Hi all, not been on in a while. We’ve had a lot on. DH’s step-father (does that make him my step FiL? Not sure 🤔), anyway sadly last week we received a call from MiL saying he wasn’t expected to make it through the night. He has been ill for some time so it’s not totally unexpected although still very upsetting, especially for MiL. He did make it through but we’ve been on high alert ever since and doing our best to support MiL. She’s mid eighties and although physically fit, is not good memory wise so as his carer, finds things difficult. DH is part of a large family but a number of them were away last week so there was a lot to do. Things became difficult again at the weekend but thankfully, he’s still with us. For how long though, I’m not sure. He’s 88 and very frail. We are getting good support from various NHS services though. We’re back up to full numbers again now so things are a little easier. We just have to plod on.

I have read and caught up and I’m sorry all of you have had various difficulties. I’ve not been too bad mentally and think that the meds are helping although still have to work at it.
Doodle sorry you had a down day and I hope your mood has improved as the day has gone on today. It’s good your DH is going to have some treatment but must still be worrying for you I’m sure. It is amazing what advances they have made in cardiac treatments. I remember many years ago an uncle of mine having serious heart problems and eventually had a pacemaker fitted. It was then a major operation at a specialist cardiac hospital. Then some years later my Dad having one which was done in a side room at the local hospital. I’ve always been amazed at that. I hope your DH’s treatment helps him and that you can both move forward at last. Glad you got out for a bit today too. It was a lovely day here.

Scaredycat sounds like you had a nice outing with your DD and GD. Special times. I’m glad your sister is doing well too.

Wyllow I’m sorry your nights have been difficult. My worst times have been during the night too so I can empathise. It’s a very lonely time. I hope your psychology appointment goes well tomorrow and you have a better night tonight.

Sweetpeasue thank you for sharing such a lovely poem. I hope your DH is ok and the visit by your MH team goes well.

HVDY sounds like you had a nice day. Aqua aerobics followed by food out - bliss! I never used to like the pool much but since I’ve started to learn to swim properly and spending more time there, I do find it very uplifting.

Hopefully I’ll be able to keep up a bit better now. Love to everyone, including those not personally mentioned. Hope everyone has a restful night ❤️ Xxxx

I'm so sorry to hear of troubles in your family, Candy..very glad the full family are back for whatever happens, next..going to be a tough time. x

Wyllow Hope the Psychologist session went well.
Doodle How are things with you and your husband?
SweetpeaSue Hope you're pain-free today. How's your husband now?
Candy I'm glad the family are rallying round to help your husband's mum.

How's everyone getting on? It's been raining all day here. Went with DH to get him some trousers - he bought 2 pairs, then we went for a snack and cake in a very nice cafe. Hope all BDers are ok x

Hi all.
HVDY- it’s been raining here too and quite chilly. Good idea to get into a nice warm cafe. Hope your legs are ok today.
My sister has got 3 cats - one of whom treats her house like a hotel and wanders in for a while then disappears for a few days. Her and her daughter are mad cat ladies!! Do you think you will get another cat? My daughter loves her 2 that she adopted last year.
SweetPeaSue- hope your MH visit went well today.
I,m well into the old category !! In my head sometimes 12 and sometimes 150 though. I hope your DH is better today - it must be scary for him when the speech problem happens.
Doodle- I always dwell on problems and uncertainty is something I find really hard to deal with . So happy to hear you both got out for a little while yesterday. It was a lovely sunny morning wasn’t it. Your DH must find the loss of easy movement very difficult. Painful legs is very debilitating.
I had a little walk in the rain today but can’t manage much- double whammy AF and Covid have taken their toll.
Hope you are having a pleasant day despite this horrid rain .
Wyllow- a big day for you today. I do hope you had an encouraging meeting with your psychologist.
I think you are wise to consider a move while you are still younger but also right to consider wisely your health. I think if you can do it that it would be a new lease of life for you and some new memories to make.
Candy- Ah I,m sorry your FiL ( that’s what I called my DH step Dad) has been so poorly such a difficult time for you all. Your MiL must get very tired too.
Glad the meds are helping but it’s not easy is it.
Love to all xxxxx

Hello all

The news is good: I got what I had worked out i needed and could realistically expect in the current circumstances of MH provision: which is carrying on with her monthly initially and when I get better than I am currently going 6 weekly.Recognition that I need full MH access/crisis line for the time being.

That no deadline for Discharge would be mentioned or set,but reviews every so often.
She recognised the last time I was discharged was not adequate (!) as I had not been involved in discussion towards its happening. I imagine she thinks a great deal more than that in terms of the consequences it had and resulting fears but of course can't criticise more than that.

I said that I really wanted to work on attachment issues and didn't WANT to have to be with MH for life, but setting any kind of deadline for Discharge just set up a powerful counterproductive set of anxieties.

She is one of the best people I’ve had helping me as she’s very perceptive and also as a psychologist knows what I mean when I rabbit on in psychological terms.

One question she asked jumps out, which is when was the last time I have lived without a partner but not with MH support. and the answer was never, except for brief intervals in my 20's. That told her - and me - quite a bit about the task ahead tho I'dnever thought of it that way, the strength of my attachment issues.

I did pop out to the shop as cupboard bare but no exercise other than that: hate wobbly legs: so continuing sympathies about walking Scaredeycat. You make some very wise remarks about my moving, and I thank you for any imput. Last Great Adventure?

HVDY glad to hear about the trousers - its not easy to find ones that one really likes. Holing up in a cafe is about all today has been good for weather wise - weather is a load of *rap atm as far as I'm concerned: we all need some sun and warmth so much.

Best wishes BD's for best of rest of day possible, look forward to any more news.

Evening all.
DH informed me he was feeling a bit better today. Nice to hear.
Not done much today because of the weather but I will go to church tomorrow. I missed last week.
HVDY no DHs legs aren’t wet. Just red and swollen. The skin is very dry so I put cream on them twice a day.
I would have had a full English like your friend. I love it.
Nice to have some time with your son and a good chat. Funny enough my DH got two new pairs of trousers today too only his were ordered online.
Sweetpeasue is your DH being followed up by the GP. Do they know about the speech problem? It might be worth mentioning it.
Good you got on well with the nurse but two months is a long time between appointments.
I think the nerve pain is due to his legs being stretched by the swelling. He’s not suffered this before. Hope you’ve had a better day today,
Scaredycat yes it was good to get out yesterday. Didn’t bother today because of the rain. Yes Af and Covid could lay you low for a while. Do you think your energy is coming back at all?
My eyes are really sore tonight, I can see the trees opposite starting to show green shoots. I’m allergic to tree pollen so I think it’s affecting my eyes and making them itchy,
Candy that’s worrying about your step FIL. I think when you reach a certain age things can go downhill quite quickly but people often bounce back. Isn’t it always the way that these things happen when others are et around. Good thing you and your DH are able to be supportive. Glad you are feeling a bit better in yourself.
Wyllow what great news. You must be so relieved.
To have someone who you feel you can talk to must be a big help. Hopefully you can relax tonight and feel a bit better about things. Interesting question about a living without partner or MH support.
Hope you have a good sleep without waking with the worries.
Sleep well all.

Doodle "DH informed me he was feeling a bit better today. Nice to hear.
Not done much today because of the weather but I will go to church tomorrow. I missed last week. "

Both very very good to hear. I don't imagine you've heard that from Mr D for a long time.

I hope you find your quiet special space tomorrow.

Evening all. I hope you’ve all had a good day. Work day for me so very busy. Off for the rest of the week now but will be just as busy, just in different ways. Rainy here too today. I’m hoping it clears a bit in the next few days as I’ve lots of washing to get done.
Thank you all for your kind wishes regarding my FiL. He’s holding on thankfully still 🤞. We can only wait.
Wyllow good news for you. It’s good you can still see your psychologist and that she ‘gets’ you. It’s so important and at least you have that link in case you need it too. I’m very pleased for you.
HVDY your little trip out sounds lovely. Nice to have a little break on a rainy day. I love cake 😋
Scaredycat good you got out for a walk albeit a short one. Baby steps. Im sorry you are still struggling but you will hopefully feel stronger soon.

Hope everyone has a peaceful night. ❤️ To all those not personally mentioned. Take care all xxxx

ScaredyCat I'd love one, preferably two cats, but until our finances improve, it wouldn't be feasible. We'll see. This is the longest we've ever been without a cat (5 months) in 43 years. You got out for a short walk, but I suppose you need to pace yourself with AF.

Wyllow It's great that you felt so at ease with the Psychologist, and interesting that she asked about you living without a partner etc. I hope you have a more relaxed night tonight.

Doodle It must be quite a long time since your DH said he felt a bit better. I hope he'll start to have more of those days. I hope you're stocked up on antihistamines, ready for the tree pollen. Son2 takes them daily, to try to allieviate the itching of his dreadful Eczema.

Candy I've put loads of washing on the clothes horse, plus a couple of things on the radiators. I've got a tumble dryer, but it uses such a lot of electricity. I hope you manage to get your washing dry too.

Son2 made us a nice chicken curry this evening (another night I didn't have to cook ). Hope all BDers have a restful sleep x

SweetpeaSue Have you told the GP or anyone about your husband's recent speech problem? I think it would be wise to do so.

Good evening everyone. I've read all your recent posts.
So sorry about your FiL Candy.
It must have been lovely for your husband to get out even for a little while Doodle.
Glad you're getting physio Sweetpeasue. Lovely poem, thank you for posting.
Don't forget pacing Wyllow3.
Sorry for the brief post, and not mentioning everyone, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Hoping for a peaceful night for all BDs.

Not good on the pacing nadateturbe (lovely to see you in) finding it hard to give things up I could do just a short time ago.And if I'm in a "high" then sort of in "can't stop mode". This is therefore the big challenge in managing them. A very bad night - again: really hope they improve when I'm with family or it will be very difficult indeed.

Candy thank you for FiL news.

I do hope one day soon you can have cats again HVDY for furry cuddles.

Bests all BD's and thinking of Sweetpeasure and all others xx

I can understand "highs" would make pacing difficult Wyllow3. No easy answer. Nor for sleep. Not sleeping is part of CFS and it makes it worse. Difficult to solve.
No art today for me. Sleep has been too poor recently, in spite of using pills.
Hoping for the best day possible for everyone. x

nadateturbe Hope you're getting on alright.
Wyllow3 Thanks. I can't imagine never having another cat (although my Mr Cooper was the nicest one we'd ever had), so we'll see. Hope your day is better today.

How is everyone? I've been putting off jobs I meant to do - I want to sort out a lot of clothes etc for the charity shop, but I'm still sitting doing nothing . I'll just drink this coffee..... Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day x

HVDY good intentions - it's a start 😁!
And thanks, like everyone, I just go with the flow. Tomorrow is another day.🙂.
Funny, I dreamt last night I had a cat and I was cuddling it. It must be lovely to have one.