Black Dog 14

Hi all x

Joyce lovely to hear from you, we have been plodding on for
a long time 👍, much love x

Ellie Anne. Snowdrops , thank you so much x. I don’t like weekends but they pass . So often Our prayers are answered but not the way we ask for my love, forget that woman, you have no reason to make contact with her , you are doing much to ease your loneliness keep doing so x

Hoping to get tv sorted this week, so difficult, I will ring an
internet provider but not the foggiest idea of what I am talking about !
Love to all x

How is everyone's day going?

I changed the bed, did some washing, hoovered the bedrooms. DH assembled some flat-packed drawers and then went to Asda for a few things. I've ordered some baby blankets and clothes .

Anniebach What is not working with your tv? I hope you get it sorted out soon, you've been waiting too long. What did you have for lunch?

Hi friends.
HVDY- congratulations on the new job- sounds perfect for you. At least now you,ll be able to get some decent sleep now DH has become a Happy Camper. That’s really important if
you are going to be out working as well as all you manage to pack into your days.
Nice to see Son1 and the girls must be so nice to have them near.
EllieAnne- never think you re not wanted. Your boys know you are there for them and that they are loved- that’s why they can get on with their lives .I know what you mean but it’s just a “boy” thing they just don’t think like girls. My family too are the centre of my life and it’s always been so. As we get older our roles change but it doesn’t make us any less loved it’s just the natural order of things. I hope you have managed to get out today and enjoy the sun.
Wyllow- hope you have had a lovely weekend although I expect you will be pleased to get back home to a bit of peace and quiet.
SweetPeaSue- Glad Saturday was a good day.Your walk sounded so lovely- I could just imagine it- my idea of Heaven.
Sister still the same but hope Monday the scan results and consultant meeting will bring some news.
Your Auntie is made of strong stuff- she sounds a great character. We had an outside toilet when I was little - not for the faint hearted.
Treat yourself to an iPad - we,d be lost without ours they are handy for so many things.
Doodle- your DH is right about the time it takes to wrap up warm!! My DD and I walked this morning and had coffee on the way. We were so hot in the coffee shop we had to unpeel like onions! It was lovely and sunny out though.
I can’t imagine there is a noise in the world that could drown out my tinnitus it’s so loud. It gets worse when you think about it doesn’t it.
Annie- I,m sure you,ll be able to sort out your tv but I can’t understand why the people who see after you can’t help you with it.
Positives are sometimes hard to come by but todays is- making a roast dinner for tonight even though it’s a bit hard eating as my stomach is churning over and over. DH loves it though.
Hope you had a nice lunch today.
Love to all

Annie I agree with Scaredycat - its a shame someone can't help you sort it out. I hope you've got to know a few familiar faces of the others there now.
HVDY Lovely to be able to get baby clothes. I bet the time will fly by. Ive not been out today. 'Faffed' about a bit. Made a huge batch of chicken n veg soup in slow cooker. DH did my roots.
Scaredycat Really wishing for good news from your sister's scan tomorrow. Hope you managed some of your roast dinner. Yes my aunt is made of strong stuff - - all 4ft 10in.
We too had ouside loo when small, I used to be scared of spiders in dark corners. Its been dark and gloomy here today, I should have pushed myself for a walk really. The fresh air usually helps, I know.
Hope everyone is ok.

ScaredyCat Thanks. I've persuaded my friend to apply there too (she's a care worker). Glad you saw your daughter. It's nice to go out for coffee (and cake, I hope), isn't it. Hope your dinner was good. We've just having Spaghetti Bolognese as it's just the 2 of us - Son2 has been at his GF's since yesterday teatime. They're getting on better now that they're living apart.

Hope everyone has managed to have a decent day x

HVDY hope you slept well with the new arrangement.
Your son and his GF will be pleased you are buying some baby things for them. Glad they are getting on better now. That must be a relief to you. I always loved picking out baby outfits for our DGC. Be nice if you and your friend end up working together.. Hope it all works out for you.
Annie that Tv is a pain. I do hope someone can get it working for you soon. Hope you are more comfortable where you are now. It’s so cold outside I hope you’re nice and cosy in your room.,
Scaredycat hoping for better news of your sister this week.
It’s been bitterly cold today. We went out for a meal with DS1. The restaurant was nice and warm but getting there and back we got really chilled. Hope you both enjoyed your roast meal and that your churning calms down soon.
Sweetpeasue I wouldn’t let my DH near my hair. With his shaky hands the colour would be everywhere.
You soup sounds nice. Always seems to take ages to clear up after I’ve been cooking, I think I’m just messy.
Hope you get out for a walk tomorrow. You’re right it does do us good.
Wyllow hope you had a good visit and all went well.

Lots of ups and downs but some warm family time. Despite being a less hands on gran they come for cuddles long may that continue as they are all 10 and under. But the moment I'm alone depression hits in and then want to be home.... glad I made the effort.... now of course, both relieved to be going home and dreading home alone.

Contradictory as ever. but more of life is like that than most want to admit.

But....I couldn't live just for them, tho would feel the most terrible grief if something happened and a huge chunk of me gone.

Elllie Anne reading the last 2 pages, thought of you. I think the indifference of DH is the worst. However I suspect you mean a far great deal more to your family than you can ever believe in your depressive mood. They take for granted you are there, thats not the same as indifference.

There is something else. At the bottom of the black hole its not unusual to feel the world might be better without us. but we all have an intrinsic place in the world, are loved, loveable. Yours comes across here. Please reach out for professional help, no one should have to suffer as you are doing.

Too tired to comment further tonight, will catch up tomorrow.

Hi all x

Exhausted! Been trying to sort tv problems after 2 men tried but failed. I will keep trying .

My younger daughter who took my wheelchair back home with her and today arranged for it to be brought to me, so will
have it this week, they don’t have electric wheelchairs here one can use.

Dinner just arrived

Love to all x

Annie that is so annoying. How do you pass the time? Can you manage books or a kindle? I remember your hands aren’t good.
I’m worried tonight. Heart rate is up and stomach churning again.
I have to have a conversation with dh which I m not looking forward to. Not helped because he doesn’t hear me and I have to repeat everything and speak really loudly.
Will go to the bible study tonight. I find it hard as am the oldest in the group and they are all professionals with good jobs. They are nice to me but I don’t fit in. I can’t share my problems . But I didn’t go last week so will make the effort tonight.
Hope you are all ok today.

Ellie Anne I FaceTime my younger daughter in the morning and the staff are in my room, washing and dressing, breakfast,
the cleaner. I often have what I call a Power Nap ! , then lunch,
cross stitching in the afternoon, dinner at 5.00ish , can hold a book so have audio books, I use uTube a lot in the day, been listening to Andre Rieu this weekend, so cheerful and colourful. Play game’s on iPad. Am very lonely but has to be
accepted .

Is your husband deaf or undiagnosed deafness ?

The people in the Bible study group are nice to you? that’s because you do fit in , you do volunteering, don’t put that down
please my love. You can share problems here , we care. I so want your self confidence to strengthen, you are a caring woman, so easy to like and with the problems you have with husband and daughter you are a woman I admire .

Hugs x

Wyllow glad you had cuddles from your DGC and managed to cope with your stay with your son and family. I hope you get home safely and the journey isn’t too bad.
Annie this Tv thing is becoming a real problem. Is it a new TV or one you had at the bungalow? Good thing you will have your wheelchair soon. Let’s hope you can make use of it and get out of your room to other places. Is there a communal lounge? Hope dinner is tasty.
Ellie Anne you’ve obviously got something worrying on your mind. I hope the bible study is good. I know what you mean about not being professional or feeling different. I often feel out of my depth in situations where everyone is quite clever and I am not. God must think of you as extra special for putting yourself in such a situation where you’re uncomfortable in an effort to learn. You say they are nice to you. Perhaps it’s only in your mind you don’t fit in. Give it time.
Hope you cope well with whatever you have to say to your husband and you are not upset after.
Listen to Annie her advice is the best.
Sweetpeasue hope you’ve been feeling ok today.
HVDY anything good going in the airfryer tonight?
Scaredycat hoping for some better news of your sister from you. Hope all is well.

Annie Hopefully that TV will be set up soon then. Thank goodness for your ipad. I'm so sorry you've the loneliness. When you have the wheelchair will it be possible to see others? I expect youll be limited to when they can use the hoist but it would ne lovely if you could get the independence of being mobile at times. Lovely you can still enjoy your food.
EllieAnne Hope you feel better when you're at your bible class. Sounds as if you're well liked there, and I'm sure you're thought of as one of the group. I get that feeling at times in my book group - half are retired teachers and many others have had good jobs. Sometimes talk is beyond my knowledge but I know they are never unkind and I'm not looked down on. If I feel that way at any time I remind myself that it's my lack of self-esteem. Hope that conversation with husband goes as well as can be and you are ok.
Doodle Are you and DH ok today. Hope you're both still managing the treadmill but not overdoing it. I'm having a lot to think about which is making me feel overwhelmed at present and confused. Received med records for 2nd time and a couple of further documents have been included. My head wont stop and feelings all over the place. I am trying to be calm. I' ll be ok.
Scaredycat I do hope you have some encouraging news from your sister today. I didnt feel like walking nut we did and what I thought was wood in the sea was a seal. It was close, in about a foot of water. We stood there and it got closer and stopped, looking at us for ages sat up. If Id not made the effort Id have missed that. I do hope you're ok and AF isnt too bad.
Wyllow HVDY and all BD hope youve been ok.

Wyllow3 I'm glad you enjoyed the time with your family. I suppose it is comforting to be back in your own home? Even though it might get lonely. I hope you had a good sleep last night.

Doodle The sleeping arrangements here are great . Didn't use the airfryer, made chilli con carne for the 2 of us (son met up with other son and a couple of friends). DH picked out all the kidney beans from the chilli . How are you and your DH?

EllieAnne It might sound daft, but how about writing down the things you need to say to your husband? I hope your bible study went well. It doesn't matter that others have got professional jobs, they aren't better than you

Anniebach Bad news about the TV. You seem to keep busy during the day, and I suppose there is staff in and out a lot. It will be better when you get the wheelchair back. Will one of the carers take you to the lounge?

SweetpeaSue You're lucky to be near a beach. Fancy seeing a seal . I'd love that. Have you ever tried any deep breathing exercises when you're feeling stressed? It might help a little bit.

ScaredyCat Hope you're ok and that your sister is getting on alright.

Well, DH didn't go to work today - he hates the place. He said there's no actual work, so the boss wanted the men to clean the factory! (he doesn't do any cleaning here). He's watched tv, read, lounged about all day. I'm looking forward to a restful night, with my clean bedding on. Hope evryone has a relaxing evening x

HVDY Yes I do deep brreathing techniques especially if I get breathless and have palpitations. A paramedic taught me them and they really are good. Oh I do feel for your husband. My DH went through an awful time when the company was taken over several times and work kept changing and management practises changed. Sounds like hes had a relaxing day but its awful when you hate where you're working. Hope you have a good sleep!

Just surfacing, a bit not quite either here or there...

. The time away was a mixture of love and resentment (mine) and the latter emotion is full of deep Pandoras box stuff and no one sees it.

So glad I went, rather than say, "enjoyed" is the best way to put it,

....as until I open the Pandoras box a bit more I won't understand what I have to overcome, ie the negative feelings to them and why - there is no good reason. DiL made an effort and put herself out to make things as good as possible and of course was appreciative to her, and the kids clearly love me, you cant force it from little ones..

Yes was so glad to be back in the peace: on opening the door felt a rush of loss of Ex, but that didn't last long when I recalled how if I was a bit late there would be a minor inquisition.

Annie your TV problems are a mystery! Is it an old TV - is it a broadband problem - I wish I could magic a solution, and you could get out of your room a bit at least.

Ellie Anne all the very best with the DH talk. I can only say, whatever it is, tell it like it is?
I feel lack of self worth in all kinds of ways but not on the intellectual front happily.
I know my memory is very bad and knowledge limited atm but have quite a wide basis for that sort of thing in the past, am quite open about it and ask questions but tbh haven't the energy to join in any groups atm,

I just enjoy stuff on TV and radio that engages my mind and intellect and try my best.

But I doubt the people in the group feel you are "lacking" Ellie Anne just because you have less knowledge, because it's not just about learning, its about the special and particular perception that YOU bring to whatever texts you are studying that really matters.

Interpretation is imo as much about how something makes you feel, how it's relevant to life, as it is about textual analysis.

Sweetpeasue well done for getting out on that walk..have you any idea when you'll be seen?

HVDY SO relieved you have a convenient sleeping arrangement at last...that's a bizarre situation at DH's work, isnt it? it was lovely to hear about buying the baby clothes and they are so tempting and cute.

Scaredycat I cant hep feeling things are not so good with sis, just sending lots of love.

Best wishes and warmest thoughts to other BD's reading and posting here.

And Doodle was thinking of treadmills a lot this weekend,DiL said look locally in free cycle stuff but I'm more inclined to get one online, had a good look: I'm hoping MrD will get some better meds advice soon as well as struggling on the treadmill.

Sweetpeasue yes we are still going on the treadmill twice a day . We have both been able to take the speed up a notch so I think we’re getting the hang of it now.
Did your medical records come from the hospital or from your doctors records as a matter of interest?
How wonderful to have seen a seal so close up. Definitely worth the walk today.
HVDY you sound better. A good night’s sleep is always a boost. Hope your DH slept too. DH is ok thanks but I have a sore finger having grated the top layer of my knuckle into tonight’s dinner 😱
Wyllow I’m glad you made the effort to go and see your son and family. It’s a hurdle you’ve got over now so hope next time will be easier. Your little ones obviously loved seeing you and I’m glad your DIL made the effort.
Yes the treadmill is working out well at the moment. We must stick to it though. I hope you manage to sleep well tonight.

Wyllow Glad you are safe back home. Im sure you must be feeling v tired after your visit. Lovely that you felt so loved and accepted by GC. That means so much to us. Sorry you felt that loss of ex when you opened the door. You were both together such a long time and the wounds are still fresh. Its good you feel that peace in your own home though.
Yes Doodles suggestion about ringing hospital was so good. I didnt think I'd find out v much but turns out my place on list could mean6 mths rather than my waiting weeks. I was worried as Id had small show of blood which left me so scared yesterday. He said I could ask GP to send a letter explaining this which could help.
Hope you have a peaceful night's sleep without worries.

Doodle I signed a form for subject Access hospital records. There was a letter there not sent to either myself or GP even though it was addressed as such. I had to go through many pages of whole experience which took me back through whole process and took hrs. Also disk of all images of inside over many scans including my back, which has never been right since op. I'm left with a big decision and I'd felt myself ready to unburden myself from my need for justice. I feel so torn. I'm sorry for saying all this. I know it might not seem a big deal for some and Ive had an improvement healthwise to where I was. I just cant help worrying about what causes my pain when I get it. In the night I wake up and feel alone and dont understand why Ive been lied to and why theres been this huge conspiracy. I just can't understand why this has happened to me. Its so difficult to trust.
Anyway Im sorry to go on. I really pray that your poor husband gets peace with his RBS. Is he still suffering and are adjustments in his meds helping? I thank you for your help. x

sweetpeasue the reason I asked if your records were hospital or Gp surgery is that I think you should have access to both sets. Both computerised and paper notes. I would ask your Gp surgery if you can look at your medical record. It would be worth checking there isn’t anything there that you need in deciding what you are going to do next. Sleep well. x

Yes Doodle, I understand what you're saying. I suppose it's because Ive trusted the now retired GP I had throughout so felt no need. I so thank you for your help. Sleep well too.

Sweetpeasue was it a conspiracy by the many?

or a series of errors, very very poor communication, undoubted cover up at one point, which may not be able to be uncovered how ever hard you work on it?

You ask a very very human existential question in your nights......who can I trust, why has this happened to me...what will happen to me...I just wish you had a clear diagnosis to know how best to cope xxxx

Doodle, can you share the model/make of the treadmill you have? PM me if you don't want it online xx

Hello all, I was part of this thread some months ago and loved it. I struggle with my mental health - anxiety/depression and found it helped to be in contact with others who were empathetic. I started to feel better then suffered a sudden bereavement of a fairly close family member which knocked me back so I haven’t engaged with anything in social media or groups. I feel my mental health has deteriorated and I seem to have all sorts of issues and triggers. Realistically I should have a lot to be grateful for and am in fact in a better position than lots but it just doesn’t feel that way. I’m currently slowly introducing a new anti depressant and am really hoping that helps. I can recognise some of the old names on here and glad you’re all still supporting each other despite all having your own individual struggles and issues. I’m sorry if my absence seemed selfish but I’ve just been trying to do what I thought I needed which clearly didn’t work. Love to all xx

This is my 3rd attempt to post. Somehow I lost the other two.Annie it’s great that you can still cross stitch. I did a lot before Christmas so am having a break and knitting a scarf.
This morning I was looking after my 2 year old gs. While mum and dad were at a funeral. He was so good but the minute they came home he completely changed and was awful. Last thing they needed.