Would you willingly go into a care home .

I don't think I would do very well in a care home due to serious food allergies, have been in casualty over 20 times in anaphylactic shock. If I started to have dementia I would not know what was safe to say and would probably end up with a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of wine. Wheat,peanuts and wine would probably kill me.
At least the family would inherit my house and assets.

M0nica

Residents wearing other resident's clothes is very poor practice. All the time my family members were care; 6 years, 6 years and 2 years respectively. To my knowledge this never happened, even once.

I’m talking about 40 years ago, as my aunt has been dead for that time. That is good to hear MOnica, but with respect, I cannot think that things have improved in recent years, with staff shortages etc.

Can anyone with family in care homes tell us if the wearing of their own clothes is what happens nowadays?

A friend of mine had a breakdown trying to look after her mother with dementia, while also doing a full time teaching job. Eventually her brother, who lived many miles away, realised the situation and insisted the mother went into a care home. She said to my friend “I’ll never forgive you for this”. It was awful, but actually she was reasonably happy in the care home, and my friend was able to live her life.

Residents wearing other resident's clothes is very poor practice. All the time my family members were care; 6 years, 6 years and 2 years respectively. To my knowledge this never happened, even once.

Farzanah commented on having to wear clothes that were not your own. This really upset my mum when her own sister had to go in a home. She had labelled all of her clothes, but hated the fact that she was wearing other people’s knickers etc. I appreciate it must be the easiest way, but that would really bother me.

Good to hear a positive post Pussanne.

It;s been a very interesting thread, with me sitting in my room of the only Rest Home for many miles. Here in NZ we have Homes that range from very basic to very expensive; this one where I am in a respite situation is rather "institutionalized" but does have rooms that you have to have enough money to pay for one. I became very ill back in 2019 and placed into Pallative care,my family told I had 6-12 hours to live. Well I'm still alive and kicking, eventually moving into a Granny flat at my eldest daughters, The NZ Government subsidises the cost of our Rest Home if we are low income [ Pension ] but we are allowed a very small amount of money $95 a fornight... I know I will eventually HAVE to give up my independant living but I will do what I have to do so my family do not need to continue to worry about me. As an aside, one of my grandaughters works here at my Rest Home and my middle daughter has just started a multitasking position here. There are many years of Resthome caring between them and I am in very good hands.

I have been responsible for three elderly relatives who spent their last years in care and I do not recognise anything in Riverwalks description of care homes.

The food was excellent - I sometimes stayed for lunch. The tv in the lounge area was rarely on, and not many watched tv in their rooms either and the staff always seemed thoughtful and caring. If there were any singalongs, my relatives took no part, so I have no idea whether they happened or not.

My experience covered 14 years from 2000 to 2014.

Callistemon21 In his particular case, money would never have been a problem. Family house had been sold prior to his going into the sheltered flat, he lived there for about three years. That money was invested, joined his other stocks/shares, etc. He had had a very well paid job, with a huge pension.
But, I get your point, very many people will reach old age and have nothing like he did financially speaking.

My mums refusal to leave her home caused a huge ripple effect, and effectively fractured our close family bonds.
So, now I am left with guilt about who said or did what, or should I have done this or that.

The worst part was that my daughter and my mum were absolutely best friends before all of this.

I feel guilt that it all ended on such a sad note.

Grandma70s

Riverwalk

An interesting thread.

Like most I wouldn't willingly go into a care home and at 67 still think of them being for 'old people', not me! But who knows what the future holds.

The thought of indifferent staff, sing-a-longs, miserable food and a TV on all day fills me with dread, compounded by it will cost me a lot of money. Gawd.

I think you have an over-pessimistic view of care homes. Some may be like that, but plenty aren’t. I don’t think the ‘activities’ are compulsory.

I work in a care home and I can assure you the staff where i work are dedicated and anything but indifferent and I find that quite an insulting thing to say… We work very hard with people with high dementia and we really do care for them, all this for minimum wage but we do it because we do care, certainly not for the money..

Thisismyname1953

I think the OP is totally unrealistic saying that she will never go into a care home . What if she had dementia . A dementia sufferer can usually be cared for at home in the early stages , but the condition can be totally unmanageable later on .
They need someone to keep an eye on them 24 hrs a day . For example they can leave the house at 3am to go to the post office . They can leave taps running or they could turn the gas on but not light it .
They don’t always sleep at night and their main carer cannot manage night after night with no sleep .

So true.
My FiL could not be left alone even for half an hour - you simply didn’t know what he might do. It was like leaving a toddler on the loose.

But at least you can pick a toddler up - even a kicking, screaming one - and put it in the bath.
Trying to get a 6 foot FiL to bath or shower was a nightmare.

People with no hands-on experience of dementia so often have no idea, and their pious comments about what families ought to be doing for their own elderly, can really infuriate me.

I'm fairly sure most people don't have any expectations that they will need care from family - my mother certainly didnt.
Then, she did, and nothing was in place, so of course we stepped up.
Hers was just a fear of being "put away", which we also didn't want, and it snowballed from there.

I agree if I was suffering badly from dementia that I would not realise I was in a home . A friend's mum looked around the sitting room of her care home and said to her daughter that her dad had left her a lovely home .
Some years ago an aunt was in hospital and the doctors were adament that she could go home . We did not live near her so any help she would have got was from her two remaining sisters who could not care for her . My mum could scarcely care for herself. The aunt was allowed home and one morning the home help found he asleep in front of an electric fire with no bars on it . I took it upon myself to find her a place in a home and she was miserable . She ended up breaking a hip throwing herself out of bed. Did I do the right thing I saved two other elderly ladies the worry of her being unsafe at home but my aunts last months were miserable. One cousin still says I made the wrong decision he would have risked it to let her stay at home . The saddest thing was when I sorted out her belongings after she died there in her purse was her door key. The house had long gone back to the council.

M0nica

Like most people, I would like to stay in my home as long as possible, but if I had reached a point where I could no longer manage on my own and I was in a care home where I could still follow my interests and have people to converse with, ie, not all with dementia, then of course I would do it. If I had dementia the decision would be out of my hands.

I think it is ridiculous to say I am adament that I will never go into a home regardless of how infirm I am . Ridiculous and selfish. it puts an immense and unnecessary burden on your children and you end up spending your last years struggling to manage to look after yourself, dependent on Carers of varying quality, and, I repeat, an unnecessary burden on your children.

I had an uncle who refused to move out of his house until a hospital discharge was dependent on a 'convalescent' period in a Care Home. He never left it. and said that if he had realised how comfortable and easy life was, and free from constant anxiety, he would have moved there years before, as soon as his wife died. He was there six years and I am sure being safe and happy in his care home extended his life.

I would not expect my children to care for me I have other plans . I never mentioned in my post expecting help from family .

NotSpaghetti

Well, Flora, whilst we may all like to leave things to our children, if the option is to leave them the money but in doing so, have them care for you if you are incapable/potentially incontinent/suffering dementia or worse or for you to spend it all in a care home, I think they would prefer you to be less "generous " with your money and opt for the latter!

I would not dream of my children looking after me . I would struggle on as best I could and if things got too much I have a back up plan .

When my mother was in a home one of the other guests had that exact problem Ran out of money. The family did all they could to keep her there but in the end she had to move to a cheaper home. The top up was beyond their reach.

It was absolutely lovely, no offensive smell (unlike many other homes I’ve been in), good quality furnishings, well trained and friendly staff, beautiful grounds. Yes, it was expensive (to say the least

A question:

What happens when the money runs out?
A relative of mine with dementia pays £1,600 per week. Should she need a higher level of care it will be more.

imaround

I think that, unless you have been in the position to have to care for a family member, you really do not understand the impact it has.
Yes, this exactly.

My mum had no money, but I wouldn't watch her struggle as she did simply for the sake of "my" inheritance.
I would never enjoy having it, if it was at the expense of her comfort in her last years.

Like many others, I can’t say I look forward to spending my last years in a care home but I definitely do not want to be any kind of burden to my children/g’children.
Through my job, I visited quite a few care homes and wasn’t impressed with any of them. But a friend’s Dad went into one in another town and I visited him a few times with her. It was absolutely lovely, no offensive smell (unlike many other homes I’ve been in), good quality furnishings, well trained and friendly staff, beautiful grounds. Yes, it was expensive (to say the least), but her Dad was very happy for the nearly two years he lived there up until his death and actually appeared to enjoy life a lot more than when he’d had to depend on carers visiting him in his sheltered flat.

Callistemon21

Liz46

Calendargirl

GrammyGrammy

Liz46

My mother used to say 'if I ever become a bother to you just put me in a home'. I looked after her when she had dementia and one evening when I was sitting next to my husband with tears dripping off my chin he said 'it is either me or your mother'.
One of my mum's neighbours had said that if my mother ever needed to go into a home I should go and talk to her. I went round and it turns out that she goes round care homes as a hairdresser. She recommended one and it was very good.
I would pop in at different times and always found my mum well cared for.

I hope you got rid of the unsupportive husband while you were at it? Unbelievable. I'm glad you found a good place for mum to be cared for.

The ‘unsupportive’ husband had probably been supporting his wife for years, and had had enough. There comes a time when your own spouse’s needs come before those of an ageing parent.

Yes, my husband had been doing a lot for my mum for years including driving a plate of dinner to her every evening while I plated ours up.

I expect your husband could see you getting more and more tired and frazzled, Liz46 and said that to prompt some decisions.
We looked after my DM part-time for a few years as DB and SisIL did take on most of the care and it does take its toll, particularly if you have other family commitments and/or are still working full-time.
DH said he could not cope with his own DM living with us; we loved her but she wasn't easy.

I don't want my children to have the burden and worry of looking after us so it's care home or GSM's suggestion.

My husband was VERY supportive luckily. But it got so bad that I was barely doing anything around the house or with the kids. He was always picking up my slack and he worked a full time job.

It got so bad that Grandma would tell the in home carers that she had nothing that needed to be done (she did) and would call me 2 minutes after they left to have me do everything.

I set up Amazon deliveries for OTC meds and tried to set up grocery delivery, including grocery delivery while her carer was there to help them be put away. She would just shut it all down and since she did not have dementia and she was paying her carers, they had to do whatever she decided.

She would tell me she wants to go to a care home but then would find 1,000 excuses why she couldnt.

The burden she created was life changing for me and my family. It was, honestly, selfish and despite how much I love her, I feel resentment towards her for expecting that this scenario is OK.

My mother is now on the verge of needing care after my father died and despite the fact that we had been estranged in the past, I am finding it falling on my shoulder again. One sister wont do it because of estrangement and the other will do it, but only if she can not work and spend thousands of moms money each month. That one would empty my mothers accounts and leave her homeless if she thought she would get away with it.

Here in the US, we can buy Long Term Care insurance, which is what my grandmother did. It is paying for 100% of her LTC costs for the next 2 years. After that, I have put her money safely away and it will be used to continue to pay for her care.

I think that, unless you have been in the position to have to care for a family member, you really do not understand the impact it has.

I would never, in good conscious, ask my children to do what I have done.

Of course they aren't compulsory.

I currently have this dilemma with my own mother, she is in a sheltered housing flat with carers going in twice a day. She isn’t really coping, often falling, is in and out of hospital etc. She puts on a front & lets them think she is ok & they seem to believe it despite our concerns. I think moving her to the next stage, residential care, is going to be problematic. The carers are lovely girls but are so busy, some days it is gone 11 am when they arrive to get her up!! In an afternoon they often turn up at 3pm to make her tea!! My mother is constantly saying she doesn’t want or need these carers and often cancels them at weekends telling them her family will be visiting. Well yes we will but we are going there to sit and have a chat or do her a bit of shopping not shower her or empty the commode etc which is why we have carers. The trouble is resentment builds up, me & my sister are in our sixties, we feel this constant pull to be dashing up to check up on her even if we are feeling unwell ourselves and tbh she has begun to expect it, she gets very demanding if we don’t go for a couple of days. It does spoil your whole relationship and you start to dread visits instead of enjoying your time with them. My mum has even accused me of caring more for my grandchildren than her because I was looking after one of the younger ones and couldn’t go running up to sort out a problem. Like others have said it can be very stressful but you want to try & do the best for them, you try and remember the way they were I suppose but you still need to have a life of your own. This is where a residential home would come in, we would know she had company and we could just visit once or twice a week without feeling guilty or constantly worrying about her. Home care is good up to a point until they aren't can’t coping between visits.

For myself I would really rather stay in my own home until they carry me out in a box but if I can’t manage I’d rather go into a residential home than be a burden & a worry to my AC. I want them to be free to enjoy their lives without stressing about me. They all work very long hours and have stressful enough lives. I know it still happens in some cultures but in general gone are the days when granny moved in to the front room to be waited on hand and foot by frazzled daughters or dil. My own GM did this for her mum (& her dad) as did my Mil, the care was shared between daughters homes. It was hard work for them and disruptive for the rest of the family but at the time it was almost seen as an expectation. Wouldn’t be for me I’m afraid.

Riverwalk

An interesting thread.

Like most I wouldn't willingly go into a care home and at 67 still think of them being for 'old people', not me! But who knows what the future holds.

The thought of indifferent staff, sing-a-longs, miserable food and a TV on all day fills me with dread, compounded by it will cost me a lot of money. Gawd.

I think you have an over-pessimistic view of care homes. Some may be like that, but plenty aren’t. I don’t think the ‘activities’ are compulsory.