Anxiety has taken over my life

Bereavement for most cannot be shrugged off to allow you to cope with the next situation. What you know you would probably deal with without giving a second thought to becomes embroiled in your already existing anxiety and on it goes. Are there any organisation you can contact to help with your feelings whether phones calls or meetings (if permitted). I had a similar episode many years ago and the behaviour therapist got me to keep a record of day and time and what it was made me anxious at that particular time. This proved helpful in identifying everything was rolling into one and I had to learn to break situations down and deal with one at a time. You should seek some sort of therapy using whatever system you have in Australia. I wish you well.

Your friend will need support, my daughter-in-law had tongue cancer although she came through it with the help of a book called "In your face" by Lia Mills. Like you I am in my seventies (76 actually), my husband died five years ago and this morning I have woken up to no hot water - boiler malfunction. I live in London.

Narelle222
My husband died five years ago and had spent his final two years in a nursing home. Reading your letter I realise I was in some ways fortunate that for that time I had been effectively living on my own so had to make any of the usual household decisions without any help - he suffered from increasingly severe dementia and so could not advise me.

What I would say is that the first year really is the hardest but that does not mean you will ever stop grieving so do not feel ashamed. Getting through each significant date - birthday, wedding anniversary. etc - is painful but at the end of the first year I told myself that at least I had survived, came home, sat down, put on a CD and the first track was a song we had often danced to and I just sat and cried even more than when he had died. so as I said there will be times when you still feel overwhelmed. At least, like me, you had a wonderfully happy marriage and that is a sort of comfort.

Don't forget to look after yourself because I know that is what your husband would have wanted and take care.

My dear Father always quoted 'This too shall pass', and in general the worst times do; it's just horrible to have gnawing anxiety and feel so tense all the time. I am sorry to read that you feel so bad, but you have had a bereavment and now we are facing uncharted waters; so unsettling for all of us. We will come through this - and you will come through this too. I send you my very best wishes.

Narelle I'm not sure if you have read other posts lots of us are struggling and it doesn't matter where you are, so you are not alone!
It really sounds like you have been through alot even before this virus so no wonder your anxiety is through the roof.
If you can the phone counselling sounds a good idea.
Just sit for a while and breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth just to feel a bit more relaxed.
Find something you can do that you will take your mind of said anxiety.
Too much caffeine and sugar makes you feel worse.
Big hug and take carex

You have had a loss of self, who you are, twice over. When our spouse or partner dies our whole world changes. We have to come to deal with all sorts of new things on our own. Just at a time when we feel least able to do so because we are grieving. It sounds as though you were doing ok. Now you have also lost that sense of yourself as a resilient person. No wonder you are struggling. But she is still there. But she is having to deal with huge challenges. Please be kind to yourself. It's ok to not be ok. It's ok to need some help. It's the brave thing to do, to ask for it. May God bless you and comfort you and meet you where you are, not where you think you ought to be. X

So much for you to cope with, Narelle. No wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed. I have the odd meltdown and have to give myself a good talking to. It’s very hard to keep positive, but I think the important thing is to talk - even remotely as you have on GN. Things WILL get better (maybe not back to ‘normal’ for a long time) and we will have to cope with that also. Keep strong.

Dear Narelle,

Don't be hard on yourself - that's another burden for you. From a practical point of view, can I recommend Alistair Appleton's online course, 'Mastering the Monsters of Anxiety'. He is running a daily embodied meditation course on Zoom and is brilliant, and is developing these other courses. Go to mypersonal.mind-springs.org/courses/mastering-the-monsters-of-anxiety-selfstudy. If you go his Mindsprings site you can do a short free course which shows you how to get on top of your anxiety responses. I think you might find it very helpful, Best wishes, Valerie

Sending healing thoughts to you at this difficult time - do get some counselling - it will help. In the meantime do keep talking to others whether it’s on line or on the phone ?

I had to answer - not sure I actually have much to say- other than you are coping look at all the things you are contending with and have got sorted since your bereavement. Be kind to yourself you are a strong independent woman who has lost a bit of confidence- it will fully return. None of us actually have it all nailed. We are just doing the swan thing - I expect people look at you and say “Gosh, how does she cope with everything and still do her housework!!” Life often sucks but we cope - there is no choice.

hugs and prayers... wish I could talk , all I do is cry.
more hugs

Your honest post will strike a chord with so many here. Anxiety is natural especially in your circumstances and something which you might find help for via some short term medication from your doctor and as others have said, counselling. I lost my twin brother suddenly 8 years ago. He died in the Amazon. I had to take on my elderly grieving mother and move her in with us as she’d been living part time in LA with him. I struggled with no bereavement support as I “didn’t want to let myself down” and just a British stiff upper lip. Around 3 years later I broke and ended up in the doctor’s surgery weeping and ashamed at having to seek help. I felt I’d let myself down. Wrong. I was taking care of me. I had counselling sessions and a very tiny amount of medication which was my life saver. It still is, I’m not ashamed to admit, and has transformed me from a constant worrier who can’t cope to someone who is not so anxious and copes. These are horrible times and my heart is with you. Do seek help. You deserve it. Thank you for sharing on this lovely group. X

Lost my DH ten years ago, it was sudden and was not with him at the time so as you can imagine was a shock.Although you will never forget time will heal the wound you experienced at the moment of your loss so go and see your GP open up with all you are experiencing. I can assure you there is light at the end of the dark tunnel you are now finding yourself in.

Hi, There’s no easy answer with so many awful things going on , personally, and in the world generally. Anxiety is a problem for so many people right now. I would allow yourself to cry and release those feelings each day at some point...and then as you sound a very disciplined person, maybe structure your day a little, if you can. A routine may work for you and all the better if you can include some little treats, some exercise, and some more relaxing activities. This is a hard time but it will pass. Things will get better even though there seems little light at the end of the tunnel now. You may not feel it, but you are being strong and you will get past this. Know that you’re not alone.

narelle222,and dublingran,I can relate to what you both say.I lost my husband,it was 2 years ago,I had managed to build a nice new life,though I never stopped missing him.Now everything I had planned for the summer is cancelled or put on hold till I don't know when.I feel as if it has set me back 2 years,and I'm grieving all over again.It must be so hard for people who are more recently bereaved.

Sometimes anxiety happens when you can’t or don’t want to cry. Anxiety is often when we’re running away from feelings when we think we’re actually swamped by them. Grieving needs a space and time devoted to it , a time to cry and say life for me has changed, (or get angry ? lol) . I got very anxious when my daughter moved to America and couldn’t figure out why until I discovered what I really needed to do was half a good half hour cry when I needed it. I used to actually say right I’ll set aside 2-3 to have a good cry - she and I were joined at the hip for 22 years and I was feeling loss of her, my identity, my role, etc.
Our ‘inner child’ also pops up and says ‘oh dear it’s too much, I can’t cope, what will happen to me’. I find it helps to say’ hang on I’m not a child I’m an adult and I’ll cope fine, I’ve coped with a lot in my life, I’m ok, I’m going to work hard at taking care of myself, and I’ll start my list of all the things I can do now I’m free!
You’ve had a big lifequake, be gentle gentle gentle on yourself. Have a cry, have a cup of tea and a bun ( as Paddington would say) and find what you need and grab it. It might be Volunteering to care for sick kualas or getting a kitten , or painting ( Bob Ross style) or Yoga or salsa ??
All these lovely ladies are here with their sweet comments and support thoughts !!!

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Couldn't read without answering. So sorry you are going through this; I know exactly what it's like as I am going through the same. Terrified that the virus is out to get me and live each day in fear that I will develop the virus symptoms; in 12th week of lockdown, on my own ( DH died two years ago). I live in fear every day, and have never felt like this before.

It got so bad that I eventually spoke to a GP, who was wonderful. She immediately put me in touch with local Mental Health Services, and they arranged for me to start Cognitive Behavioural Therapy by phone within the week. The GP also prescribed tablets to help calm me down.

Luckily I have lovely neighbours who are a great support, always there at the end of the phone.

Please please try your doctor and and tell him/her exactly how you are feeling, and I an sure help will be there.

Will be thinking of you and sending hugs. xx

Sympathise. I lost my husband of 58years 16 months ago and like you very anxious! When I could line dance and meet friends for coffee I could cope but here, UK , we are in deep isolation. Relying on phone calls and FaceTime.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Surely, the anxiety and the feeling that you cannot cope is due to the loss of your husband?

We all grieve in different ways. It takes time. I hope and trust that your anxiety will pass.

You are coping, you know. You have dealt with a whole host of household troubles on your own after your husband's death. It is just so typical that all these things chose to break down while you were dealing with grief and loss.

You have also gone to your doctor, a necessary step and a wise one, which many others would have put off.

I am sure you also will deal competently with your friends' horrible illness, too.

Is there anyone apart from the doctor and us here on gransnet that you can talk to? I hope so, as professional counselling might well help and talking to someone who is willing to listen should help too.

I hope your anxiety lessens as your grief changes its character, which it will do, although I am sure you find that hard to believe right now.

narelle222 I am so sorry to hear you are feeling like you do. you could very well still be grieving over the loss of your husband.
On a more positive note about your friend with tongue cancer. The ex wife of my nephew had this. (this was back in the 1980's) She had the usual radio therapy then had muscle from her arm transplanted to her tongue and then had muscle from her stomach to her arm. It is amazing what Dr's can do these days. The only down side was after her therapy she ran off with their next door neighbour (hence the ex wife).

You are still going through bereavement for your husband who passed away 12 months sgo. I'm not surprised you are feeling fragile. It takes time. The corona virus pandemic is an anxiety inducing and worrying time anyway and it you are worrying about your friend who has recently been diagnosed with tongue cancer I'm not surprised you feel anxious. Taking lots of physical exercise can help reduce anxiety and doing Yoga or swimming. The fight and flight response (adrenaline) sometimes goes into over drive if you have had too many stressful things going on in a short space of time..Counselling can also help... Try and do activities that make you feel good or start a new hobby...these can also help.

Sending virtual hug ??

Narelle, I am in much the same position - I’m 73, my husband died last September, & I was just beginning to find a new way of life without him when Covid happened. I have now been in self-isolation on my own since early March & although I thought I was fairly resilient, I have spiralled back in grief to where I was in the autumn. I’m at breaking point. I’ve accepted that I need help & I have taken the step of looking for online counselling - first session on Tuesday. Perhaps I can let you know how I get on?

I value your honest post as this must have helped people to actually feel they aren't alone trying to adjust. It is those layers of things that all come at once . Write a list of items that need doing in the house . Maybe phone 1 person and ask whether they can tackle all at once then you just have the one visit . It may be good for you also to chat to your friend who is ill . Many distance themselves from people that are and I feel she would welcome a chat. Get a hot drink ,feet up and have a conversation or at least email her a newsy letter . Little things can really drive anyone mad at the moment and I cope with a few lists . When I actually start writing - some are rather short.