Should a dying person's wishes always be honoured?

I told my sister when my mother died ,even though mum specifically said not to.My sister sort of abdicated from our family when Dad died as she didn't want any resposibility for mum...so she had no contact for 12 or 13 years .Even when mum was ill and I contacted her she still didn't visit.

She did turn up at the funeral with her inlaws in tow,cried a lot and then left.We haven't seen her since and thats been almost 14 years .
Maybe mum was right ,I dont think I would feel sorry for her now that I know how she behaved.It was all about her and not our mum ,who she admitted was a great mum and she's had a great childhood.Nothing as queer as folk!

I understand why you're worrying dollyjo - this is quite a burden you have been given.
You told him what you thought about his children being informed (the right thing to say imo) and he has now severed contact so you may never know what happens.

It's sad, but you cannot make yourself ill over this - it is his decision.

Nothing as queer as folk! or 'nowt' as my mother used to say.
Indeed paddyann

Message deleted at request of Gransnet member.

It is completely wrong to break his confidence. It is not up to you to bypass his stated wishes.

I've asked for my previous post to be edited or removed. Please nobody respond to it. It's the final paragraph I've regretted as tactless speculation.

It’s his final wishes and should be respected. Please don’t make yourself ill over this,

My late DH told me when the time came I was not to tell his other children from his previous marriage (apart from one who visited regular and who we had continuous contact with all through our marriage.

We respected his wishes, wasn't difficult as they never visited often . They were told once the funeral had taken place...no regrets, they didn't come to visit when he was ill or prior.

Of course you must respect his wishes in my opinion and he obviously trusts you implicitly and has made you his confidente it does put you in a difficult position but I think asking him to put it in writing as Willynilly suggested is a good idea and will then make it more understandable to those left behind
He at least owes you that

So sad you are dealing with this alone. Could you go and tak to someone like a priest (you don’t need to be religious) or a doctor. Most Dr’s surgery’s have someone you can talk to, but you need to ask. When you are more settled with your knowledge. Approach your ‘friend’ and let him know that you will honour his wishes, and would not tell anyone he knows, but ask him if he would like to accompany you to your ‘counsellor’ sometime. I do hope you find support with some constructive help.

In my view, it's quite a controlling and spiteful stance for this gentleman to adopt and, in my view, intended to be hurtful. Now he is behaving in the same way towards you.

It could make for a very difficult situation with you and his family. He should have written a letter of wishes so that you are not held responsible for his family not being informed of his impending death.

That is still up to him though, although I don't see it as controlling at all.
If people don't bother when someone is alive, it makes perfect sense to me, to not bother having them at your funeral.

Confiding in someone means that the person confiding is sharing something personal and private with the confidant in the expectation of that something being kept private. It is an act of trust. The confidant betrays all trust if she/he then passes that information on to others, except in very rare circumstances, such as an admission of criminal guilt.

Should I be diagnosed with a terminal condition, there are those I do not wish to know at all until I have died. There is no one I wish to know immediately, someone in whom I should like to confide a bit further down the line, and some with whom that confidante may herself confide as appropriate (inn my opinion), again, later down the line. Hypothetical, so I might change my mind, but I would certainly expect confidences to be kept confidential.

First thing to do is renew your contact and put "PLEASE read" on the outside of the letter.

You were his only confidant and if he is dying he's going to need your presence more than ever.

Don't let this ruin your health, if you don't act now and make it up, you'll live with guilt when he goes.

How will the man's family ever know that he told you he was dying? If you don't tell them (or anyone else) they won't know so can't blame you for anything. There is no need for you to worry on that score.

The point eloethan raised about it being a rather controlling act to confide in you did cross my mind, especially if he didn't warn you of what he was going to do (perhaps he didn't know himself though; perhaps it just spilled out), but I think a dying person could be allowed a little more leeway than usual.

Respect his wishes. I understand how you feel as I am in exactly the same position.

Of course you must respect his wishes. He thought he could confide in you and obviously trusts you. To go betray that trust would put you in an even worse place than you are now. Think of the guilt!!

He doesn’t want fuss or false love or them grieving over his coffin. That’s his decision.

If he doesn’t see his children now and you have little or no contact with them it should be easy enough to keep it to yourself. And if they do find out afterwards then they should be happy that he had someone he trusts to support him to the end. The only difficulties which may arise are if he leaves you millions and them nothing!

He has already severed contact with you you say. I didn’t notice that part of the OP. That does make him sound very controlling.

Firstly I’d try to make contact with him again and say that if that’s what he really wants then you will respect his wishes.

If he then still refuses contact with you I’d say he’s not entitled to your friendship and more and you must do what you feel best.

I would not want my family told. Life is easier without them as it clearly is for this man. Now is the worst time for him to have to deal with people that he has chosen to avoid and his family will be put in the difficult position of having to decide whether to contact someone who has chosen to have no contact.
You would not be helping anyone and he has now lost a friend which seems a shame.

This person trusts you to do what they have asked .
It would be a betrayal of that trust if you go against their wishes ,just to make yourself “feel better”.
If their family members cared they would have kept in touch.
Just because they are family does not make them nice people and if this person wants nothing to do with them it should be fine with you .
It is not your choice or business .
I have “cut “ family members out of my life and will because they are Toxic .

Let sleeping dogs lie .

I disagree that you have to automatically respect his wishes regarding notifying his children, just because he is dying.

I think it partly depends on the reason why he is estranged from his children, and whether it was through his choice to ignore them and abdicate responsibility for them or their choice to distance themselves from him.

Also, once the person is dead, the wishes of the living take priority in my view.

It's his wishes I would abide with them. My brother is estranged from his daughter who I have contact with and has recently been told he has dementia he has told my other brother and myself not to inform the daughterbsadlybwe have abided by his wishes so sad.

Same point as Baggs - no reason why the other relatives should ever know that he confided in you before his death. I don't think it uncommon to keep quiet about terminal illness. His behaviour is understandable, though a pity if it makes you feel awkward.

Sorry, haven't read all of this. It's quite upsetting.

Just wanted to say that my mother did this to me. Her husband kept to her wishes, which I have no problem with.
BUT , I hope you will consider, when your relative has died, (if you find out, now he's cut you off) that you make sure his children are given the choice to attend the funeral.

My mother's husband didn't tell me. She was cremated less than 50 miles from me and I just can't forgive him for that.

Funerals are for the living. Not the dead. Sorry if I'm off the mark. Nust my observation.

I hope you can work things out and I'm sorry that your family is fractured. It's very sad. X

My mum declared days before she died that she wanted her brother and a niece to receive cash , though they weren't in her will . There was hidden money enough for one bequest , but the other I happily paid from my own bequest , as the niece was a lovely lady who had allways been there for mum , and we lived quite a distance away .