Living with someone with depression

You're most certainly not alone Seasider. I too have the t-shirt. I was lucky when DH was at his worst as I was working at a mental health charity so had loads of support. Do ask your GP for details of support groups in your area as, besides supporting you, they can also advise on how to best handle situations and help you help him.

For my DH counselling worked best, but the Black Dog has never left completely and is still lurks occasionally behind his heels. (especially in January!)

Exercise. Regular exercise can be as effective at treating depression as medication. ...
Nutrition. Eating well is important for both your physical and mental health. ...
Sleep. Sleep has a strong effect on mood

My youngest son (as an adult) had depression. When he was still living with me (he has moved out now), I found that it would be me who he took it out on. He has said some very unkind things to me in the past, although he would later one be so sorry and upset with himself for taking his anger/frustration/depression out on me. He actually bought me a book which I found very helpful - "Living with a black dog" by Matthew Johnstone. I hope this helps, as it can be just as painful and upsetting for whoever is living with someone who has depression.

So hard for you seasider
I was talking to someone yesterday about her ex and the effect her had on her and her children and said I didn't know many women who hadn't have to cope with depressed husbands/partners! Now I've been trying to count up the ones who seem ok!! Is it an age thing? Do they hit 40 and fall apart? And they have to be dragged to the doctor and/or counsellor. Sorry probably not helpful but I suddenly felt really cross about it, for you and all the other women out there having to tiptoe around miserable grumpy men.

I am glad he is not drinking at present - did he tell the GP about this problem? I hope that there will be light at the end of the tunnel for you soon.

Many thanks to everybody who has responded. It's helps to know there are people out there who understand the situation. DP now signed off for four more weeks! His work will try and find him less pressured role. He is not drinking at the moment so the mood swings seem less. He is going to try and get some counselling via work which may help. He seems quite bright this week but the nasty part of me thinks he just likes the idea of 4 more weeks off work! ( He is quite lazy generally). He did seem somewhat confused at the weekend but I think he was not drinking enough water. When I mentioned the confusion he rushed off to Google early onset dementia!
My thoughts are with all of you who are going through this or have had to deal with depression in the past . Thanks again for your support.

Your DH may be self-medicating with alcohol but that can have nasty effects with the anti-depressants which might be why he is unreasonable about you. If he can't stop drinking knowing that his Dr has said he shouldn't or is using it to self-medicate for the anxiety, this is something you should be discussing with his GP so they can arrange for the appropriate help. Meanwhile, I'd strongly advise you to find out where your local Al-Anon group is so they can support you. They'll also give you advice as to what help there is available.

It IS an illness whatever people say as is alcohol addiction. I speak from experience having an adult son living with us after a marriage break up due mainly to depression and alcohol problems. Some family members are less than sympathetic thinking he should just snap out of it. Easier said than done. His GP admits that mental health provision on the NHS leaves a lot to be desired. You have my sympathy Seasider and I hope you and your DP can get the help needed.

Like Luckygirl, my DH has PD, and depression/anxiety, and can not/does not do anything. He doesn't read or watch TV or want to go anywhere. Seasider, he often blames me for things, and he sometimes threatens to leave me. When he's thinking clearly, he knows this is madness, but it doesn't stop him saying it again. I feel there's an element of paranoia there, which is possibly what your DP is suffering from,as well as the other problems. As others have said, it's not your fault. We have to be strong, and take one day at a time. For those of us who are seventy ish, and over, we are generally going to keep battling on, but for others who are younger, it might be sensible to look at the longer term issues, particularly if there are children involved. Our hearts are with you, Seasider.

seasider what an awful situation you are in. Call me shallow, but I would have baled-out long ago.

Watermeadow's experience reminds me of the poster who had a friend who was married to a depressed anxious man who restricted her life - the poor woman died and he quickly moved on to another woman and miraculously livened-up!

Joining Al Anon is very good advice.
I'm a big believer in group support - it helped me a lot (eventually).
I don't know why group therapy isn't used more with people suffering from or living with emotional/psychiatric problems.

seasider what an awful existence. I would have no patience with someone who carries on drinking that amount of alcohol each day and then spends the day in bed. I can't advise, but I know what I would do.

My gd has mental health issues, panic attacks, anxiety attacks. She is getting help but I know what you are going through some days it's like running down a black tunnel. She isint on meds yet and CAMHS believe in self help. I

I too live with a depressed and anxious man who also has PD - believe me it is not a walk in the park! Just been away for the weekend and he just about managed the train journey but refused to leave our DD's flat the whole time - in spite of the beautiful weather and countryside on their doorstep, and the fact that she was singing in a concert - he missed it all. But in the end I just have to let him live as he wishes and get on with stuff on my own. Any attempts to engage him are like banging your head against a brick wall. I have enormous sympathy with him, but life can only continue if you let some of it wash by you and seek your own moments of joy.

Hi Seasider, I've struggled with depression since 17, but since realising I must always take my Meds and not stop when I feel I'm 'cured' things are fine. My view would be that if the doctor has increased your husband's medicine and he still isn't improving it may be time to try a different one, as I know antidepressants are not a ' one size fits all' . Good luck to you all .

I'm sorry you're in this situation seasider. You need support to help you through this so please take the advice of some others and seek help from AA group or mind. Just speaking to people who are coping with similar will help I'm sure. Be kind to yourself and have a day off every now and again if you can manage it - not going to work, do something you enjoy! I hope all this doesn't sound patronising or obvious, you're doing your best in a really difficult situation.

Seasider I know how it is to live with a depressed suicidal person and you have my sympathy. One thing that helped me get through it was being told by an eminent psychiatrist that it was not my fault in any way, so not to feel responsible for the depressed persons actions. I left in the end 47 years ago.

Depression..........had it for years, don't drink but eat crap which has its own side effects.

I feel sorry for you both, it is such miserable thing.

I was inspired by the amount of people running the marathon who had depression and found running helped.I do believe that physical things help more than medications and spiritual / emotional things are important to. The energies within us clog up when we are depressed, so you are right to find small tasks he can do.

Excercise is the thing what about walking football or something where he would have a bit of company and banter? I was a STRW for a while, it helps people support the bits of life they can recover from their illness.sort of so that the illness doesn't have all its own way.

I dread it when I feel it coming back, sometimes I can fight it off and others it is just gloom...........

My husband is miserable rather than depressed, though I suspect a low level of depression too. Not quite the same circumstances as yours, but knowing how low this can bring me, whatever I suggest I am told I am nagging, I send my sympathy.
For me like the other grans the answer is to get on with my own life as well as being there for him when I am home.

It is very difficult living with someone who has depression, but they are ill and Carnt help it , my dh has had depression most of our married life , he had his own business and he would be off for months at a time , no work no pay, we are just starting the 5th year of this latest episode, he Carnt do anything , like your dh he just watches telly , I try to get him to do a small job each day , 5 mins weeding , changing a light bulb ect , he has been on medication for a long time and is now trying to come off it , phsyciatrist recommendation, he,s just stopped doing anything ,

Have you tried your local Mind,*Seasider*? Some branches have relationship counselling or will be able to recommend somebody. Unfortunately, it will probably cost you, but the most difficult part will probably be persuading him to go.

Someone with depression does not "want to make everyone else as miserable as he is" - he is ill.

Being with someone like this is very hard indeed - I should know - and subsequently I too have suffered with depression. I know that this was as hard for my family as it was for me when OH was suffering (and to some extent still is).

seasider is carrying a heavy burden which is hard to tolerate. She is not "wasting her life"; she is living with a sick person.

My ex had depression, drank excessively, was bad-tempered and cared only for himself. He destroyed all my love, ruined our daughters' childhoods then fought my divorce proceedings for five awful years.
When I finally got away I started a new happy life and have never regretted leaving him. He quickly found a new partner and the children and I have never seen him since.
Don't waste your life with someone who wants to make everybody else as miserable as he is.

If you were really the problem, and not his ill health, he would have gone. You are not the cause of his illness. His illness is causing his irrationality and as ithrs have said it is 'safe' for him to lash out at those who love him xx take care of yourself

So sorry to hear if your problems seasider, it is very wearing living with a person with depression even though you love and care for them. MawBroon is right he will lash out at you as his nearest and dearest and because he can. I think you have to tell him how you feel even though you love him he has to take responsibility for his life and behaviour. Are you getting support, having a break with your son from the caring role.
I hope things get better for all of you soon