I dont know what to do or say

You made the right choice Silverfish - these times are never easy and only you know what is right for you. At least your father-in-law knows you cared enough to visit him

A good decision and I am sure you feel better in yourself for going.[flowers|

Well done Silverfish.

Thank you for all your comments, I have been with daughter and little one and FIL was very frail there was nothing scary. Little one was well behaved and sat quietly for half an hour after which she became restless and we left. We had not intended to stay longer in case of tiring FIL.
He was quite resigned to his fate saying that his chemo might give him a bit longer but he is very weak. I m glad I saw him once more will leave it undecided as to if I go again.

There is not a lot that I can add to above except do what you think is right but go first on your own taking a little one may not be the best thing to do

My post would have said exactly what bags has said [so I won't rehash it.] Good Luck.

All really good posts on here that I could possibly add to. Let us know what you decide to do and, if you visit, let us know how it goes.

I agree with Bags - just go and see him. Simply tell him you have just heard his news and wondered if there was anything practical you could do to help. If you don't know what to say, tell him you don't know what to say. His own family will be in bits and may appreciate some support from someone less emotionally involved (or alternatively may chase you ). The longer you put it off the more difficult it will become.

I agree with what has been said here. Family situations can be so difficult. My stepfather died of cancer of the oesophogus, and he also looked dreadful the last few weeks of his life, reducing my younger cousin to tears when she visited, so maybe a visit from little one could be a mistake - I think an approach needs to be made and then take it from there as to what to do next, just see what the reaction is and hopefully build on that.

What you have written here so far, silver, suggests to me that you want to go and see your FiL, at least in part because you think it is the correct thing to do. In your shoes, feeling like that, I think I would pay a short visit by yourself initially and just see how it goes. If you don't go you'll continue worry and wonder if you should. If you go at least you've tried to do the right thing so even if the visit is uncomfortable, you'll know you tried.

My FIL, has family and its my DD that does not go to visit, she is upset about her Granda I think she doesn't know what to say. My DGD is under 2,I thought he would like to see her maybe for the last time but last week he said he was too unwell to see her, (I've taken her in the past, with the agreement of my DD even though she doesn't go herself).
This man is always so correct, I've never seen him be casual, not even to the extent of wearing jeans to garden in. I think he would be mortified if he was ill and maybe unable to take care with his appearance as usual. The other complication is that his daughter doesn't speak to me and my daughter either. Her sons ignored us at MIL funeral. Its just such a strange situation. In the past when relations argued Ive always found that a mutual concern about for example an ill relation, brought us together and the argument forgotten.
As a result of the situation in the past, Ive never been at ease with FIL to the extent I could pop in and have a cuppa with him . I am really in a quandry

From personal experience the worst thing you can do when someone is ill is to treat them any differently than you always have. I agree with what Mishap has said. Say you are sorry and offer help but try to chat about 'normal' things. A friend of mine's husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she was horrified at how people started to distance themselves from her at the time when she needed them most. It is perfectly understandable that people don't know what to say but when someone is very ill they need support and understanding.

I think that we all struggle to do and say the right things in this situation; but, speak to anyone who has a terminal illness or has just been bereaved, and they say that the worst thing is when people pass by on the other side and avoid contact.

Does this man have other family to support him? Did you hear of his illness through one of them or some other way?

I think that you should visit and just say, in a matter-of-fact way, that you are sorry to hear of his illness and please tell you if there is any sort of help that he needs. Take your cue from him then - if he wants to talk about it he will, and if not he will quickly get on to other subjects. If he is, as you say, a private person, he will probably not want to talk about it much; but that does not mean that he will not appreciate your visit.

Definitely no jollying along! - unless that is how he is approaching it - as I say, take your lead from him, but don't avoid the subject.

As to the little one; does he/she see him at all? If not, unless he is asking to see the child, then it does not really make sense to wheel him/her in to see someone she does not know and then announce that he has gone. And it will depend on the age of the child of course.

I am sure that you will manage to do and say the right things - sometimes in this situation we dread things in advance that actually prove easier than we had feared.

I'd agree with nigglynellie's post. However, if the gentleman is likely to look quite ill (as my husband did), it might be frightening for a young child. Myyoungest granddaughter was 15 when she went to visit him in hospital - her eyes welled up with tears and she ran from his room to the day room and cried her eyes out; she couldn't bring herself to go back into his room and it hurt both of them. It does, of course, depend on the child but I would err on the side of caution and leave their memories intact unless they insisted they wanted to visit.

Oh dear Silverfish, I am sorry to hear of your dilemma. I think if it was me I would send an appropriate card addressed to both your in-laws, and in it say how sorry you are to hear that your FIL is not well and that you would very much like to pay them a visit. If you get a positive reply, you could then ring them for a chat, and if it seems appropriate you could ask if you could bring your little one, who is of course their grandchild. It may well be that they would love to see you, but are too proud to make the first step! As for their DD, you can't get involved with that relationship, that is for the people concerned to sort out and in my opinion you are best to keep out of it - sit on the fence if asked, but otherwise leave it to them!
Hope this might be be helpful!

Sorry something went wrong there..

All that has gone on between you should be forgotten at a time like this,as for taking the child, personally I would not. Best wishes.

All that has gone on between you should be forgotten at a time like this,as for taking the child, personally I would not. Best wishes.

All that has gone on between you should be forgotten at a time like this,as for taking the child, personally I would not. Best wishes.

All that has gone on between you should be forgotten at a time like this,as for taking the child, personally I would not. Best wishes.

All that has gone on between you should be forgotten at a time like this,as for taking the child, personally I would not. Best wishes.