New grandparent

Congratulations on your news. You know what - sometimes it can be very difficult becoming a Grandma for the first time with regard to knowing how much help/advice etc. I was lucky to be involved in being there for one of the scans which was a miracle as my daughter lived 5000 miles away but it coincided with a visit. After baby was born I didn't know how much (or how little) to offer. Just take the lead from her, but remember it is a very stressful and tiring time for the new parents so don't overwhelm them and wait to be asked, even though you want to offer and do more.

Also, I laughed at a "funny" post on Facebook -
"Day 5 of Lockdown, and I'm getting very fed up of looking after my Mother's Grandchildren!"
I thought it may give you a smile. x

@Pythagorus I couldn't agree more! My DD is "trying" atm, and a while back she indicated that, one day when it happens, she wanted me there at the birth! (I think I managed not to let the horror show on my face!) We have a good relationship, but she and DSIL live 200 miles away and she has a busy career, so we don't actually see each other all that often. I hope that, when the day does come, she will have changed her mind! <shudder> As for the original poster @Sunflower42, just bide your time - I think you may be called upon more often than you think in the future - and maybe it will even be YOU who will feel the need to set some boundaries if you live nearby! And congratulations, this is wonderful news. There's never anything more positive than baby news, how wonderful for you all!

I notice Sunflower that your first sentence says you've just heard you're going to be a Grandmother for the first time. You didn't say your daughter's expecting her first child. It seems that straight away it's about you not your daughter. You're not pleased for them, you're disappointed for you as you want to be at the center of things. You need be a supportive loving mum who is there when needed with kind words. You don't need to go to her appointments and scans, just phone her after them and ask how it went. In a supportive way not in a nosy way. Most important DON'T GIVE ADVICE.

I didn’t expect to go to hospital/scans/midwife appointments with my daughter. I believe it is very personal to the mum and dad of the baby. My DD and DSIL didn’t want to know the sex of their baby until the birth, and announced the name of my grandson the day after he was born.
I think many grandparents interfere too much.

Congratulations sunflower.
I had to get used to being less involved than I thought I would be.
As others have said the new family is primarily theirs, although you will be an important part of it.
Let them make their own decisions, just be there when they do need you.
My 2 Dgds are 4 and 7 now and things worked themselves out and we all love each other very much.
Remember the baby is not yours, but you will be involved.
Don’t be disappointed, you will be a lovely grandmother, I’m sure, and the future holds a lot of fun for you.

My son and his partner gave us a darling grandson in October 17, he is our first grandchild and we were initially shocked as my hubby and I had given up hoping as they were both 40yrs old. Can't tell you how delighted we were . But my sons partner didn't want him, wasn't on her agenda, I told her I would support them and offer advice and that they only had to ask. Throughout pregnancy she moaned and groaned , her mother offered advice which she took as gospel with some very bizzar ideas. I have had three children , three c sections, and a paediatric nurse. Never once have they asked for advice, he has eczema quite badly I suggested several creams ointments etc, reply was we will deal with it. Went to Drs who prescribed exactly what I suggested. They then said we were weird because we took photos of him when we saw him which was every few weeks. Her parents saw him every few days, they have to pass our road to get to her parents! We feel very left out,but then they struggled as she went back to work and could only get two days nursery so we asked if we could help out oh yes two days a week! We love having him and cherish each and every moment, this nearly came to a end last May as I had two massive heart attacks. I could rant on because we feel used but wouldn't have it any other way because we love the little darling so much. I remind myself to SUMO, shut up and move on! Good luck and congratulations.

Congratulations.
She still loves you.
It is a time to learn together for parents to share.
You will be a valued grandparent,it is a time for them to bond with, and share their first child.

Lost my mother as a child. I would have liked her around when I had children. But guessing we all value those relationships when they’re gone.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I’d never have wanted my own mother at the births of mine. Nor would I have wanted to be with dd at the births of hers - though I would have been there if she’d asked me.
With her first I asked not to be told until it was all over - I’d have been a gibbering wreck for hours otherwise.

After the birth, from experience, what a new mother usually wants, is someone to do the mundane stuff, washing and hoovering, any shopping, bringing meals that can be just whacked in the oven, etc.- so she can get on with looking after her baby, and maybe snatch some sleep now and then.

What she doesn’t want, is any unasked for advice. If she does ask, that’s different.,

Firstly Sunflower, congratulations. It's so important to have things to look forward to.

Please remember that you are extremely fortunate. I and many others are not yet grandmothers. I hope to be one day but may never be. I know that I have no right to expect to be a grandmother. I'd simply be so grateful if it happened that I'd take great care not to put a foot wrong.

I didn't get on with my own mother and would never have invited her to scans, appointments or to be in the delivery room. She had trained as a midwife years before, her knowledge was out of the ark and she refused to accept that anyone could know more about pregnancy and childbirth than her.

I understand that you would like to be closely involved in your DD's pregnancy but you have to respect your DD's and SIL's wish for privacy at this special time in their lives if that is what they want. IMHO you really need to take a step back.

I know it is hard. There have been so many things I would like to have advised my ACs about in the past 10 years. I tried to once and it was made clear to me that my advice had not been asked for and was unwelcome. I was very hurt by this but I would rather have good relationships with my children than insist that they do what I want or the same way as my way.

This sounds like a much-wanted baby and you have so much to look forward to after the birth and throughout your new GC's life.

A final word of warning. I have a close friend whose DIL has banned her and her DH from seeing their 3 GCs. It may be that my friend had made comments about the way she dealt with certain things - we don't know. Her DIL turned overnight from a polite and respectful DIL to a vindictive and selfish one.

Even if you would love to be more involved please don't let this happen to you.

Congratulations, it is an exciting but also worrying time, for the parents to be, and you.
I have 5 grandchildren, their mum's are my daughters, but I certainly didn't expect, or go to any scans, nor know the chosen names before the birth.
I must admit that I was present for numbers 2 and 3 with my elder daughter, but more because they were both home births and I was there to look after the older child/ren and generally do anything that was needed, including making the tea.
This is their special time, and I am afraid that programmes like 'One born every minute' have perhaps given an unreasonable picture and raised expectations of the role of grandmothers

Yay! Just say you will be there if they need (not 'want') you to be, and that's it. It's hard, but when they are still getting used to the idea of being parents, it would be easy to alienate them if they think you are being fussy.

I am at a loss as to why a GP might think that they have some place at scans etc. Understandable if the pregnant mother is without a partner, but otherwise it is the business of the couple themselves.

Only one of my DDs asked me to be at her births - and I was happy to be there. The others did not - fine, no problem, their choice.

I have been through this too. I never attended any scans etc but to be honest i never really expected too. My daughter and her partner went to all the appointments. They never told anyone what name they had chosen until he was born and to be fair thats the right thing to do. I gave advice only when asked for it as there is so much on the internet now any advice i tried to give was looked upon as old fashioned and "yes but that was in your day and we do it diffrentely now" Dont let it worry you. Be there when they need you, Enjoy being a grandma, its great!!!!

Congratulations! Such an exciting time.

Please try not to be upset about not attending scans or appointments, though. My dd had no. 3 in January and I never attended scans or appts. for any of them - TBH although we get on fine it wouldn’t have occurred to me. Her husband went with her for most of the scans - I think that’s usual if the woman has a partner - though having said that, at the moment I dare say no extra people will be allowed at all.

As for names, well, maybe it’s for the best. My dd and SiL were racking their brains for 2 and 3 - I was endlessly asked for suggestions, only to be told over and over that if she liked it, he didn’t, and vice versa, so in the end I gave up.

Pumpkinpie, Gabriella has said exactly what I was thinking, what a lovely post

By the way a relative had a baby shower with games where there was an opportunity to 'bet' on the name. When the baby was born there was a prize for the winner so the name was kept secret until then. I don't know if anyone guessed it. I agree that it's a nice surprise to be able to announce the name when the baby is born.

I know I interfere far too much! So well done on not voicing any of your feelings, that's absolutely the right thing to do. I was told something similar when my first DGC was on the way, and these two were very capable and mutually supportive so I was happy with their wishes. Then a couple of days after the birth I was asked to stay overnight and look after DGC so they could get some sleep! I loved it, DGC is still the light of our life. Because you are so close, things will be fine when the little one is born. They're in their own joyous bubble at the moment, they will soon learn to use the help that's so freely given. Be patient and look forward to meeting your DGC. My only piece of advice is always to ask what your DD thinks first if you want to buy something! That way it has a chance of being used.

Pumpkinpie
That's a great way of looking at it. Your DD is lucky to have such a wonderful mum ?

Oh dear ☹️
Your DD's message sounded a bit curt.
I'd be sad too and feel very pushed out. Do you normally get along with her? Had you voiced your hopes re being at the birth, helping out when she brings baby home etc...?
No wonder you're bewildered, I would be too.
Maybe she just wants to settle into motherhood without having to have lots of people around or offers of help. Just wait. There will come a time when she'll be begging you to babysit. Maybe not this year but in the years to come.
Frankly, I'd feel slighted. There was no real need for her to exclude you in those words.
I'm sad on your behalf but send congratulations on becoming a grandma ?

Congratulations Sunflower! Think it is probably the way you’ve been told which has upset you but try to think back to the early days of your pregnancies and remember the hormones. A friend of mine gave me some very good advice when our first DGC was due and that was to button it as far as my thoughts and opinions are concerned. It really is the best way to go - relax and just love them all! Doubtless your time will come as many of us now are the first port of call looking after the little ones when Mum and Dad go back to work! Good luck!

Don't worry about it to much because there is plenty of time for your daughter to change her mind as every daughter need their Mother, an believe me she will be asking you for your advice way before the birth, And Congratulations on becoming a Grandmother.

Congrats sunflower,When all my Ac had their babies they did there own thing, going to scans together etc etc, I wasn’t hurt in the least, I didn’t expect to be involved, it’s their new baby not mine, I certainly never felt pushed aside. And my own mum did the same took a back seat, and we were very close, we waited with baited breath to hear the names, it’s a very special close time for the babies parents

I think I accompanied both daughters for check ups when their husbands couldn't attend because of work but just sat in the waiting area until they were finished. Thinking back my mum did go with me but my husband wouldn't have been given time off then for such things anyway. Congratulations on the lovely news, you may find that things change when baby is actually here, try not to look to aghast when you are told the name!