Regular grandchild-minding

Must say I do think your age makes a difference.
If my dd had had hers 10 years previously, I'm sure I'd have had rather more energy. As it was, she left it till I was well past bus pass age - but not from choice - it's as well to find the right man first!

My sister did a lot more childcare but she was considerably younger when her grandchildren when were very small.

My dd has several friends among her former NCT group, whose parents/in laws made it clear from the outset that they were not going to provide any childcare, except perhaps in any real emergency.

I had my children late in life and it looks like they are going the same way .That's if I ever have any at all. I am 66 and likely to be at least 70 if it happens .I cannot imagine looking after a child that young for a full day.And I love babies .
As it happens both my DDs live at least a two hour drive away anyway .I have made it clear we would be available for emergencies but not for regular duties We have been retired 6years (after working full time for 18years in my case ( and our lives are very full )I refuse to let anyone make me feel guilty I've seen to many friends exhausted by grandchildcare .I think we probably would /could help out financially to enable our daughter to keep a fithold on their hard won careers of they chose to return to work
I would add I worked two days a week after my DD1 was born more to keep myself sane than anything But no GP's within 120 miles .Had a childminder and a cry healthy baby

I (or often Dh and I) did one day a week once dd went back to work when Gdd was 9 months. She lives over an hour away, but luckily had room for us to stay over the night before - the journey would have taken twice as long in the early morning.

She had no. 2 just 15 months after no. 1, and will go back to work once he's a year old - because of childcare costs for 2 simply not worth her while to go back sooner.

Although we found one day with Gdd easy enough, and TBH not as tiring as I'd imagined, I am not at all as confident about 2 very little ones, especially on the days when it'd be just me.
We will very likely offer to help with childcare costs instead - they are horrendous - and probably go up on the one day a week dd is planning to have off anyway, both to see Gdcs and to help generally.

For myself, I do want to help, either physically or financially, if I can. We were so lucky in that house prices we much more affordable and I didn't have to go to work when dds were little. Yes, they are adults, and have chosen to have children, but I do feel that in many ways things are harder for parents of little ones now. My dd and son in law are not in the least extravagant or 'entitled' with regard to holidays, cars or clothes, etc., which is the complaint often made.

I dont know whether the OP is in a position to be able to offer help with childcare costs, perhaps for one day a week, instead. I know we are fortunate in that we have this option.

As I have said I have done the weekly child caring and in some ways looking after a baby is easier than the toddler, pre-school requirements and all the time you are getting older. Jackypat I do wish you luck but bear in mind you have around five years pre-school ahead and as others have said what if another baby arrives, I don't want to be negative but so much relies on health and strength as well as love.

Granby you are so lucky to be in such good health to be able to do all this ! However not many of us could manage to drive , look after GC all day and then go to work after , you sound like some sort of superwoman .
The OP is obviously feeling that it may be too much for her as it would be for lots of older people . I would say to think very carefully before you commit to this , I could physically not do it but do have health problems , the stay over suggestion seems a good alternative if you really feel you have to do two days plus all the driving . What happens if your Daughter decides to have more children? school holidays , illness etc . It is a massive commitment x

I look after my 13 month old grandson on Mondays and Wednesdays. I travel for about an hour and 15 minutes to get there, leaving at 7am. When my son and DIL get home at 4.45, I travel back for an hour and 15 minutes to my area, and start work for the evening. On the days when I'm not looking after DGS, I work all day and evening.I'm 62. Yes, it's exhausting, but my son and DIL couldn't manage financially otherwise, as childcare is so expensive. I love being such a close part of my grandson's life, and I know it will get easier as he gets older and doesn't need to be carried around so much. He is a golden light in my life, and is making these 'later years' of my life a joy!

Great response Bluebell. Just hope that Jackypat has enough "self worth" to start the dialogue with her daughter along the lines you suggest. But can she? An overdose of guilt ( like she is experiencing) can be symptom of low self worth, which in turn could stop her from explaining her point of view because she may not believe she has an equal right in solving this issue on her terms. If this is the case she will "steam rollered" before being able to share her views.

Hi jackypat, Some excellent advice already posted but I'd like to add my thoughts too.
My daughter also asked me if I would commit to childcare one or two days a week in order to reduce the expense of full-time nursery school.
To my surprise and before I had chance to answer, my SIL stepped in to say,"No,that's too much to ask because there will be other times when we will need Granny's help eg when GD ill."
How right he was... head colds, eye infections, rashes and nursery school closure for staff training days etc.
So I VOLUNTEERED to step into the breach when necessary in addition to evening baby-sitting and having GC at my just for fun or taking her out for the day.
When baby No.2 arrived I helped until a slot at nursery school opened up.
The children benefited enormously from consistent care provided by the trained staff at nursery school 5 days a week. They developed great social skills, friendships, had lots of fun outings and education which made for an easy transition to school.
I heartily agree with 2old4hotpants post.
Don't feel pushed into a corner over this. Don't bite off more than you can chew. You ain't getting any younger. I suggest you tell your daughter you feel anxious and emotional since agreeing to 2 days a week. Tell her you need to re-think it and then you would like to discuss what is the best possible arrangement for your GC and for your remaining years of retirement.
Do please let gransnetters how you get on.

No ooo you are not bad for having these feelings, you are just being realistic about the commitment you are being asked to undertake especially as it sounds like you would be on your own. It would be better if the 2days were together then you could stay overnight or better still just one day, or even maybe you could spend the petrol money on helping pay for an extra day with the childminder ( to be payed back if poss) good luck it's not easy, you should not feel guilty if you have doubts about committing on a permanent basis, big hug

Those who say you should not consider NOT doing this may not understand that the older some of us get, the harder things become that used to be easy. A 40 commute RT on busy conjested roads + motorway is a tough road trip in the winter dark, especially when wet. I live at the junction of two motorways and when there's an accident, you are stuck out there for hours and hours. What I could do easily at 55 are not as easy at 67.

It would be a tragedy if an exhausted gran over-looked a wee one getting into mischief in the home when in charge, or needs something urgent when stuck on a motorway. Some of us lose our confidence as we lose our former sharp-as-a-tack go-getter energy levels.

I could not do this without my DH help. He does everything but change the nappies (I think because it's a DGD and he had boys). But he would if I really asked! And he would find it all a handful at almost 75 if I wasn't there, too.

We all surely do what we can, but need to know our limits and that our children understand we are dependable but not indestructible!

I think the OP needs to understand her personal limits and measure up what she can really do and be honest with her daughter. Our children often do not want to admit we are getting older. I am guilty as well whilst my dad was alive.

Surely she wants to do it all, but sometimes our bodies don't cooperate!

It's not just the driving per se, it's the added stress of the unpredictability of the journey. The OP could be in traffic for an hour and a half potentially! That's on top of a day's childcare which, let's face it, is no picnic!

I did a day a week when the GC were pre-school & a day a week of after-school care in term-time now. The 70 mile journey there & back is sometimes horrendous - it took 3 hours by train because trains didn't tie up though driving now they've moved is easier. But I always made sure there was something in it for me/us too to make the journey worthwhile. London was a womderdul playground with lots of free things to do & that is bearing fruit now. Now, before we pick them up, we go somewhere nice en route. However, I insisted there was back- up if we ever we were ill or had another unavoidable engagement or wanted to go on holiday. Don't forget GPs often catch the GCs bugs. The parents have to learn to ask for help from others & give it in return, or take time off work like I remember we had to with ours, though I know it is harder now. Our GS has epilepsy so finding back up is harder but DD has kept searching & found really good help & friends too.

We love looking after my GD two days a week, but I do find it exhausting, as I have just recently retired on ill health grounds and don't always feel up to it. We had lots of plans for retirement, but those are now on hold.
It is restricting, as DIL never works the same two days each week, so it is difficult to make plans. The other gran is supposed to do the third day, but she is sometimes unreliable and will drop out at the last minute, leaving us to do the extra childcare. However, I wouldn't change it for the world, as DGD was born against all the odds after years of trying and is so precious to us.
I only went back to work myself when my children were of secondary age, as both my mother and MIL felt a mother's place was at home. I am happy to help my children make a better life for themselves.
It does get difficult trying organise things. Our central heating boiler packed up again at the weekend,(it isn't even that old), so we are having a new one fitted on Friday,but have to work around the childcare. If the other gran changes her mind about Friday, we are scuppered.
I sympathise with you Jackpat, the journey sounds so stressful, I hate motorway driving. To have to drive back after childminding all day is an awful lot to ask of you. I am so fortunate all my children live a 10 minute drive away. In the end we do it because we love our children and grandchildren. Sometime though, I think our children forget we aren't getting any younger and are also entitled to a life of our own.

pauline42 this is one case where you can have your cake and eat it. Being a GP is rewarding ad caring for a young child can keep you mobile, improve your skills (so many places you can take them now), give you a laugh and generally enrich your life. But it doesn't mean that you can't enjoy the rest of your retired life. In fact I think it makes you realise how quickly time passes so you make the most of all your opportunities and throw yourself into other things. Doing as much as possible while you can.

Sorry meant both gps had died....not gcs...

I agree with pauline too. This is a very big cheek ask. I see so many exhausted grandparents, who have worked and raised their own children, only to be required to do it all over again.

Small children are very hard work; and when they start school there'll be even less flexibility. You may well find yourself even more tied. And what happens when you're ill?

One set of gps I know upped sticks to look after the gcs, and by the time they were in secondary school both gcs fell ill and died, within a year of each other. They were only mid 60s. .

Wanting to see/enjoy/experience your gcs is one thing; building a longed-for retirement around them is something else altogether.

A really big ask, but of course you long to spend time with your grandchild. Sometimes emotional blackmail is involved in the parent-grandparent relationship! Having said that, I have loved taking care of my 2 grandchildren but, as someone has said, never at the same time. It is just too much, and they squabble, and I don't need that. It is better for them, anyway, to have one-to-one attention. My first grandchild was born while I was in hospital with neutropenia (from chemo) so I didn't get to meet him for a week. When he was 5 months old, my daughter was set to go back to work just as I was to embark on 5 weeks of radiotherapy, so I asked for a month's "holiday" from treatment, so that I could look after him for her first month back at work. It was granted, and that was a very precious month, I'll always be glad I did it. I continued to be very involved in his life until he went to school, and it's true, it goes by so quickly. When no. 2 came, four years later, I thought I would be up for just as much childcare but I have never got over the post-treatment fatigue so have had to limit caring for her to one day a week, plus the odd night at the week-end (they both like their "sleepovers" at Mamie's house...). I think it's important to set boundaries from the beginning, as it's easier to say, "I'll take the kids a bit more if you like", rather than "I'm sorry, I just cope with looking after them that often".

Could your DD and DGC come to your house and sleep over, DD then commutes to work from yours so effectively they sleep at yours twice a week but really they need to be consecutive nights I guess . I do lots of grannying and love it but DGC live very close by. Could get more complicated when your DGC starts pre school though as needs to be at own home. Not easy and I feel you might regret being so amenable

I'm going to put a spanner in the works I'm afraid! Not everyone is lucky enough to have grandchildren. I have and my daughter is married to a serving soldier so they move about quite a bit so if I want to see my gorgeous granddaughter I must travel to see her. It's between a five and six hour drive for me and I've retired. Our grandchildren are not little for very long and I advise anyone to seize the opportunity to look after them . Remember how quickly your own children grew up! If I'm asked to do Granny duty I cannot wait to drive up to Catterick from Essex to see my granddaughter and would willingly do two consecutive days even at this distance. This time is so precious . Don't throw it away. You won't ever get it again!

But is now ...

We looked after our gd most week days for three years. It was tiring but so rewarding. My DD has now become a stay at home mom - she freely admits that she found the baby years hard but us nice reaping the rewards of our foundation work. We do miss seeing her every day, but we now see her one day a week and occasionally at weekends. Three years have just flush by and I wouldn't have missed a minute of
seeing my beautiful, clever gd grow into a confident, well rounded individual. My advice would be do it as long as you've got the energy - we always said it was the best job ever! It's nice to have our retirement back now though!

Having looked after three grandchildren for 1 or 2 days a week over about 9 years I think the caring is probably manageable but I think your problem is the travelling I agree with you this is horrendous, you will be travelling in rush hour with possible hold ups, obviously I don't know where you are but I don't think we could do 40 miles in an hour round here, you will arrive stressed out. I think you must insist on 2 days together and an overnight stay, even then do you think you can do it? Please chat this over with everyone concerned

Good for you Tessa101 - the hobbies and friends you have in your retirements years can make so much difference to the way you view yourself as you travel through these wonderful years. If we love our lives AND our grandkids but keep the balance " healthy" between both, then we are showing our families the very best example of independence (while we still can be). Don't know about you but (at 75) I'm loving me retirement - probably this period of my life is one of the best times ever!

Pauline42 well said I'm in total agreement with you. Love my GC and have them often but I do have a life and don't live my life through them.

When i banysit for DDs baby who luves a long way away I go the night before and stay over, but leave in the evening when they are back from work. Sometimes DD comes up to me the night before with baby and stys over, leaving at the crack of dawn, so we get DGD up and look after her for the morning and drive down after lunch to take her home (we have a key). She needs to be home to go to nursery next day. DD has offered to come back to pick her up but we refused as we didnt want her to do the return journey at night down the motorway with baby when she is tired after work. This is easier for me onviousy as DH is there too but he doesnt come when I go down there to babysit and I agree it is very tiring.
Im lucky my DD is full of gratitude and tries to make it easy for me.
I agree that staying over would seem to be a good idea for OP and perhaps only one day or two consecutive ones. But the dogs make it more complicated of course.