Supporting one grandchild financially?

I have 6 grandchildren three not in work. One is disabled one is at Uni one still at college. I will help on occasion with small amounts of money for food or fares. The older three are all at work and earn a lot more than my Pension. However I so give them £1000 for their 21st and for Weddings or first house or new babies. They are all aware that when the moneys gone its gone. They all know about each others gifts 90% of the time. I don't believe that my small gifts to the three not working cause any problems. When my husband was alive he gave them all £30 for Christmas and I still do that even though the three oldest have more disposable income than I do. I have given or loaned my 1 of my 3 daughters substanial amounts of money for business or housing needs and the 3rd daughter knows where to come for her share if needed.

NemosMum - agree

It would be wrong to favour one - the others would all resent it and him! The parents of the unfavored cousins would also resent it. You would be throwing a grenade into your family. Make them all the same, even if it means giving them all a trivial amount or nothing at all.

We are very open about almsot everything in our family. We have helped both children at various times and aim to keep things fairly even, bu respond to the occasion as it arise.

Broadly, it seems to be DS usually gets a larger sum to meet needs for a new car etc but less frequently than DD who lives nearby and who, as she is single and childless, generally comes on holiday with us and helps when needed. When we have weekends away she comes and does the driving and we pay for all the commodation.

friendlygingercat, what a terrible thing for your parents to do. Our DD first expressed doubts about wanting children when she was 4. By the time she was 20 she was clear that she wanted to stay single and not have children and we have never tried to persuade her to change. She is now in her mid-50s and has never expressed any regrets about her decision.

On the other hand she adores her niece and nephew and has told us that if we gave money to them she would be entirely happy and not feel she needed to be compnsated for any 'loss' this might cause her.

We are talking to our Ds and DDiL about our contribtion when DGD goes to university next year, and depending where she goes, may offer to pay her rent. We should be able to pay it from income so it should not have any Inheritance tax problems.

If I say I have had very little connection with the older two over the years ( they are now in their twenties) does that make a difference? They never contact me, so I only see them when I visit my son, their Dad and my DiL. It is not my place to approve or disapprove of the way they live their lives, but we have almost nothing in common.
Their other grandparents have no other grandchildren.

DollyD

With my Dc and Dgc I have over the years helped money wise the one who is in need at the time.
There was never any need to advertise this to anyone and things seem to have balanced out over the years.
I would go ahead and help the boy.

Well put.

So the older GC didn't go to uni? I'd help him as much as you want and can afford to. They can hardly expect to have money for university if they don't go to university. In the future there might be something they need help with that is specific to them and you can decide if you want to help like with the one saving to get a property at the appropriate time.

appletree21

Just giving to one person is just not acceptable. It's got to be an equivalent sum to each person or nothing to every person. As everyone has said, favouritism will certainly end up by creating problems and causing conflict and you will be the person who will get the backlash.

Totally agree with this. It will cause upset and resentment. Even if you decide to keep it quiet, secrets will out eventually.

I couldn’t do this and am struggling to understand why you wouldn’t give the same amount to the GC tying to get on the property ladder instead of waiting until later to chip in, which doesn’t sound like the same kind of financial arrangement. And the GC who is irresponsible could have the same amount given to the parents to decide when the time is right for this particular GC.
It does smack of favouritism and will cause ill feeling if others find out and most family members do find out sooner or later.

Just giving to one person is just not acceptable. It's got to be an equivalent sum to each person or nothing to every person. As everyone has said, favouritism will certainly end up by creating problems and causing conflict and you will be the person who will get the backlash.

Not favouritism, but we have helped our eldest granddaughter with her living costs for her degree and the cost of her MRES. She has dual citizenship and although the family live in Spain she wanted to do her degree in our local university town in England. Second granddaughter is at university in Spain and gets help with fees/living costs from government and lives at home. One DGS in Spain has not reached that age yet. Other two DGC and DD live with us and get loads spent on them so I think that balances out. We shall try and help the others as and when needed but our savings are sorely diminished.

one of mine left uni 3 years ago we sent £40 a week which covered food and obviously paid for travel to home

I wouldn't be too generous as they just spend it all on take aways and booze

Hithere

Favouritism is a terrible idea

Agreed. No reason to favour.

Hithere

Favouritism is a terrible idea

I agree. I'd never give one grandchild more than another - even if it is being done 'on the sly'.

Favouritism is a terrible idea

friendlyginfercat, I find that appalling!!
Not surprised you distance yourself.
Cabbie, please think very carefully before you favour one GC . If you help financially it will never remain a secret!
For me it would be a definate no no. I would never do that- be very careful.

I give the 6 GC pocket money every month. It’s by S/O
I give the AC fairly large amounts every year. The GC will get it anyway. I want to bring the capital down, so AC wont have to pay IHT.
I now just have my house and a small amount of savings

I think it depends on the circumstances. Did the older Grandchildren go to Uni and you did not help them, or did they go straight to work.
It could also be seen you favour the youngest because he went to uni. I agree you don't need to tell the other adult children and Grandchildren, but things have a habit of coming out, only takes one slip up. This could cause resentment.
I feel for you as this is hard, but on balance I would not do it.

We treat our children and grandchildren equally.

Our very young great grandchildren receive funds they cannot withdraw until they are 18. Money is growing, perhaps a deposit in future.

DollyD

With my Dc and Dgc I have over the years helped money wise the one who is in need at the time.
There was never any need to advertise this to anyone and things seem to have balanced out over the years.
I would go ahead and help the boy.

I agree, and the money can be put in the parents bank account to help him throughout his Uni years.

friendlygingercat

My parents decided to leave 3/4 of the etate to my sister because she had "given" them grandchildren and I had elected to be childfree. There was a time when I returned to education as a mature student and could have used a bit of financial support. However I never asked them and it was never offered. It is a source of pride to me that I initially supported myself and funded myself when I began an mA. (Although I later won a studentship from the Uni) I distanced myself from my parents as a direct result of their favoritism so yes it did come back to bite them in the bum.

It seems to me that some people are very open with their families regarding their financial affairs.
My family have no idea how much money I have, or how much and on what I spend it.
They have not seen my Will.
Also, I have no idea how much my Dc earn nor care what they spend it on.

My parents decided to leave 3/4 of the etate to my sister because she had "given" them grandchildren and I had elected to be childfree. There was a time when I returned to education as a mature student and could have used a bit of financial support. However I never asked them and it was never offered. It is a source of pride to me that I initially supported myself and funded myself when I began an mA. (Although I later won a studentship from the Uni) I distanced myself from my parents as a direct result of their favoritism so yes it did come back to bite them in the bum.

Yes do it, you could give £250 pm under the tax/inheritance radar. Just keep quiet about it and no-one will ever know. You do it by standing order. It would buy his food for the month

I do keep cash gifts even wrt my dgc but they might only even out over the years, I keep a private record of cash gifts and give when I see a need. A steady standing order will not overwhelm your dgs

I have always tried to treat both my children and now my GC the same.

It must be much easier if you only have one.

So no, I wouldn’t give to the uni one unless I could do the same for all, money wise.

It’s all right saying you can do it for others later, no one knows what might happen before you get the opportunity.

Thanks for replies so far. Food for thought.

I didn’t say I couldn’t afford to help his cousins now. One is saving up to get on the property ladder and I might chip in later at the right time. The other is irresponsible in so many ways that I would not hand him any cash without being sure how it was going to be used. Yes, I am being judgmental, with good cause in this case. The other grandparents have already helped the saver, but have given money to the parents to hold for the irresponsible one.
However, there is no need for them to know as the cousins are not in direct contact any more.

I will wait until September to decide how to proceed, if the youngest gets a place.