Grandchild hits me and excludes me

Cronesrule

Try not to worry Tomba. My DD (now25) used to kick my Mum, her Grandma, at that age and a bit older. I was upset and embarrassed at the time. She grew out of it and loved her Grandma very much.

Exactly the same experience here. My DGD went through a stage of being horrible to her Spanish grandmother when a toddler but was lovely to me when we visited. (They live in Spain.). Lasted a few months and she is very close to her now.

A bit of insecurity for this very young child, who will no doubt pick up on things not being quite right with mummy. Should not be made to kiss or even forced to say goodbye at this age, this isn’t personal to grandma it is a reaction to circumstances beyond the child’s control, so behaviour is the only way to express unhappiness as they won’t be able to articulate it. Stay calm and loving , you will be much needed in this child’s life . Remember you are the adult ( I’m sure you do !) Especially telling us that this is when mum is around . Child needs quiet explanation that hitting is not acceptable though.

Get down to the child's level and say in a stern voice .dont do that i dont like it and it hurts.....then distract the child with something else ...harsh maybe but it works

My granddaughter [who's lovely now] had a terrible temper when she was little. She was fine with me, though but used to get very angry with her parents when they got home.

Whilst I would never advocate forcing a child to kiss a relative, I think they most definitely should be told the aggression and shouting is unacceptable. We’re a very demonstrative and affectionate family, kisses and hugs are par for the course here, but if a younger member of the family didn’t want to take part we’d obviously suggest a high five or something. However we wouldn’t ever accept bad behaviour or aggression - what’s that teaching them??

Some small children can be disconcertingly aggressive - probably best to say 'no, Deidre, that hurts Grannie!' and deal with the behaviour that way.

I don't agree with enforced kissing - reminds me of a family story when my
brother, who was very shy with strangers, said 'I don't live here!' Very firmly when a visiting auntie was going round the room kissing every child in it goodbye!

Ignore it, it will pass. Just acknowledge you/they are going, give a wave, blow a kiss if you're inclined. Smile with a see you soon and go.

Why are you accepting this behaviour from a three year old??
Speak to his parents about this to ask why? If they give no reasonable explanation then you must sort this issue out for yourself with kindness and love of course. Sit down with your grandchild and talk to him in a peaceful moment. Otherwise you may have to stop having him on your own until parent do the right thing. If they can be bothered that is?

I think his behaviour links to his knowledge that if you are there then he will not be spending time with his mum; he equates your presence with his mums absence/lack of involvement with him even if she is around. A few suggestions:

1. Taking new bits and bob's to do with him ...even better if making things to help Mummy
2. Cooking with him to make nice things for Mummy
3. On arrival get something out and start playing with it ...dont comment. Pretty certain his curiosity will take over!
4. When out ...getting something small to give Mummy when get home ...small choc bar or small bunch flowers or other favourite food
5. Saying goodbye ...just wave and say goodbye and go. Suggest to parents if can that maybe he is refusing to say goodbye just now as taking insecurities out on you or as knows refusing will get him Mummys attention ( even if negative)

Not sure what instigate hitting you etc when out .. without knowing that difficult to suggest reaction.

Good luck 💐

I agree that it's a phase many 3/4 yr olds go through. I give my grandchildren a choice of a wave, a fist bump, a high five, a cuddle or a kiss when saying goodbye. I think it helps when it's their choice.

Discuss this with the child's parents. It is a phase, but in my opinion no child should be allowed to hit or scratch. A three year old is perfectly well able to understand "that hurts!" said by you when he or she deliberately hits or scratches you.

I myself would allow a child not to hug or kiss good-bye or good day, but it is the parents' decision, not yours or mine. All you can do, when the little one says, "don't want to kiss" or whatever she says is to smile at the parent and say, "It's just a phase, it will pass quickly, if we don't force the issue."

Distract the child with a craft or toy get them outside into the garden , it's horrid but they will grow out of it.

My gd started hitting people when she was about 3 which my dd was really worried about. She hit one gm who responded it would make her cry and gd thought that was very funny. When she tried it on with me I demanded to know if she had tried to hit me and when she replied she had I told her she was not to do it again and she didn’t. As with regards to nursery school she soon grew out of hitting people so I think it’s a phase that some children go through. Just be firm that they should not do it and wait for them to grow out of it. Don’t worry about hugs and kisses.

Tomba

Have a good relationship with Mum and normally with 3 yr old grandchild but has started shouting at me aggressively and occasionally hitting or scratching me with a look of hate on their face. While out together alone have few problems. Is it jealousy? Does not want to kiss or hug goodbye and I would not with to force this but parents say child should say/kiss goodbye.

Three year old? Wait your grandchild will be pleasant again.

Don't force hugs and kisses.

Ask, pleasantly, for GC to quit hitting, scratching, shouting.

I don't remember either soliciting or encouraging signs of affection from any of my GC. I think they must have taken their cues from their parents. Is your family given to displays of affection? Kisses aren't everything, though a bear hug from a large teenager leaves me slightly stunned! As adults they are uniformly affectionate with granny - and 3-year-old DGGD is no exception.

Caleo

Don't pretend to the child that you don't care when they hit you or are unkind to you. You may even cry if you feel like crying. Children need to learn that others have feelings too.

At this childs age, I utterly disagree, they are having prolems enough dealing with their own emotions, to be faced with the adults emotions is just too much.

Children at this age need to know that the adults in their life are secure and to be relied on.

yes, children do need to learn that other people of all ages have feelings, but when they are distressed is not the time to teach them this.

It does sound like the child is anxious with mum expecting and being sick. Her behaviour towards the child has probably changed. "You're the big one now"
I was worried that my toddler would bash the new baby but he was lovely with the baby but kicked me!

Your 3 yr old will grow out of this phase.

Don't pretend to the child that you don't care when they hit you or are unkind to you. You may even cry if you feel like crying. Children need to learn that others have feelings too.

Thanks all. Nice constructive advice. Will wait it out.

I would guess that something is bugging the child, and not necessarily anything directly connected to you.

It could be anxiety about the prospect of the new baby, and the protective focus on the child’s mother, her sickness etc..

I’d try to play things down regarding the pregnancy, if possible.

Boy or girl I wouldn't be happy with being hit or scratched.

I don't think it means she will grow up to be violent, but I do think it needs nipping in the bud. I agree about the kissing though.

Apologies tomba. I didn’t read carefully . Not making assumptions or judgements. Just used to lads and thinking about one of ours. Thank you for pointing it out bluebelle.

Of curse your grandchild does not hate you. But terrible twos can run into the threes and your gradchild is a sea of conflicting emotions that they cannot control.

You are being very sensible in not insisting that the child kiss you.

All you need to do is stay calm and equable with the child and treat them with the same calm whether they are kicking off or being delightful. They will gradually grow out of it.

Between 2-4, my DGS made it absolutely clear that I was of no account. He had a grandma who lived round the corner, while I lived 200 miles away. On the other hand, my companion grandmother was a widow and my DH was the only grandfather. When we arrived he would do a body swerve around me to get to his grandfather. I was ignored. Around the age of four he began greeting me with the pleasure he greeted DH and my companion grandmother. At 15 he is a lovely boy and we have lots of long conversations setting the world to rights.

Try not to worry Tomba. My DD (now25) used to kick my Mum, her Grandma, at that age and a bit older. I was upset and embarrassed at the time. She grew out of it and loved her Grandma very much.

It sounds really upsetting, especially since you’ve had a good bond. If they’re fine when you’re alone, it might be jealousy or feeling overwhelmed around others. At this age, big emotions come out in hard ways. The love is still there — they just can’t always show it yet.