help with bonding with grandchild

Little ones seem to go through these phases, especially if you don’t see them every day. My strategy has always been to take no notice of the shyness or rejection behave normally then sit somewhere not too close to them and do something they might be interested in eg looking at a picture book or colouring materials. In my experience they are usually interested in what you are doing, start a conversation with them and be relaxed, this usually seems to work and they are soon chatting away and making friends. I think that it is just part of them learning to make sense of the world, try not to take it personally

My GS is almost 4 but until he was 3-3 and a half...he wanted little to do with me and adored my husband (animals do too). He would play with me but not touch etc...and as he was non verbal never talked to me but had a strange language for G'Dad.

3.5 All change - he hugs me, and Grandad and tells us both he loves us. He will saddle up and slip his arm around me (as far as itwill go) and say hugs please Grandma. He also proffers his forehead saying kisses please! He doesn't mean one or two either, he loves 20-30 kisses. I used to be so hurt, but now we have a wonderful relationship...it will be wonderful when it happens. Perhaps when someone says 'give Grandma...' you could try, no thank-you, maybe another time? She might twig it is totally her choice? It will come, and be wonderful xx

Lots of good advice on here. Don't worry about 'bonding', she is only a baby. I know it's hurtful, I can remember crouching down with my arms out to one of my grandsons (age about 18 months) and he ran straight past me and hurled himself at DH! I found sitting and playing with something that he liked, helped a lot at that stage, he would come over to join me and now he's 4 everything is fine. Try not to take it to heart.

Our grandchildren would never give my hubby a hug. He was always asking for a hug and they refused but would hug me. I think it was because he kept asking and it gave them a bit of power. I never asked! Now at eleven and six they are sometimes affectionate and sometimes not!

As adults we don't warm to everyone in the same way so why should children be any different ?

Don't worry about it. We've had this with a couple of our grandchildren so we carried on interacting with their siblings and after a while they decided they wanted to be included and we now have a great relationship with them all.

Life has taught me to be patient with young children in my orbit, as my tendency is to rush in and hug them. Now I have started to carry intriguing things in my bag, such as nesting dolls (owls, penguins, pets) a mini kaleidoscope, even paper fans, things they may not have seen before. Playing within eyesight, but not demanding their attention, often seems to draw them in!

I have 6 grandchildren, my youngest grandson, is a 'man' person, he will walk past me to get to grandad, or another male family member, the others are more me than hubby, but I get to spend more time with them, the youngest grandson will only come up to me when he needs 'Dr nana' to mend (sew) his beloved dinosaur. I wouldn't worry she's still very young, she will prob be all over you in another year or so

I still remember the relatives who wore perfume or face powder, or kissed me with smelly lipstick - I avoided them when I was little. So I don't wear any when 18 month granddaughter is with me. I got the hugest cuddle from her and my son remarked: 'Oh you're lucky - she doesn't give them to just anybody.' I think it helped wearing a cuddly jumper and being down at her level on the floor.
Just think how magical it will be when it happens!

Our gs refused to kiss me for 3years, don’t know why. He would kiss everyone else but not me. I just ignored it and he changed. I felt the more it became an issue the worse it would make the situation.

All of my grandchildren have preferred my partner to me even though I’m the one that loves them so much. He just seemed to have the knack of speaking to little children. However, now they’re getting older they seem to like ( I think) chatting to me. I’m not very tactile and have never hugged my grandchildren, perhaps scared of rejection if I did? Maybe small children are like cats and home in on the person in the room that’s ignoring them! I seem to be getting on better with my youngest grandchildren now that I look after them on my own sometimes. I’ve noticed that they seem to undergo a character change when their parents are with us; it’s much better when I’m on my own it’s them.

Hi all, your messages have been so helpful and supportive. Many of you have mentioned the smothering. I absolutely agree with you. I have to speak with my daughter in law as she is always asking GD to sit on my lap or give nanna a cuddle. Or when we say good bye, give nanna a cuddle good bye. Everytime she suggests it, GD refuses. Its heart breaking and its putting pressure on GD. So thanks, food for thought. Im so so sensitive, so I think about it all the time. Silly me.

Sound advice here Sharke, good luck!

She may be a toddler but she still has the same rights and needs as everyone else...

Imagine how you would feel should another adult, who you didn't know well, be pressuring you for hugs and attention? Well toddlers feel this too and feel just as uncomfortable when attention isn't wanted.

You need to meet her on the level she is ready to give you and that is healthy... adults have boundaries about other adults touching and hugging them and children should be taught that

Respecting her space will bring you closer in time

Bribery does work - just a small something crayons, colouring book, little games. Grandma’s handbag has to be more interesting than grandpa’s empty hand 😂

I'm so sorry this has been your experience. I'd try to remember that it's not personal. Babies and children are finicky with their preferences. Many moms and dads also go through periods of the child preferring one parent and refusing the other for a while. I wouldn't consider it a bonding issue. It's just a developmental thing. As hard as it is, I'd show confidence and warmth when this happens. If you're upset, don't show it. "Oh you'd rather stay with mum? That's okay. Here she is." "Oh you don't want to cuddle? Okay that's fine. Maybe next time. I love you."

Well she’s a one year old s it’s early days yet. Many one year olds literally only want their mums so it’s a good start she’s affectionate with grandpa and her aunts. In your shoes I’d step back and be sure I’m not trying to force affection on her she doesnt want - no matter how much you’d like a cuddle asking repeatedly , trying and using thi mg a like “I’m so sad I don’t get a cuddle” will only backfire. Be friendly, give some space and she’ll likely come around in time.

The more you push for unwanted affection, the more she will run away from you

Everybody has the right to bodily autonomy

I would do activities she enjoys with you

I agree with those who advise against ‘smothering’ or commenting on lack of cuddles. A child will soon pick up on your anxiety and avoid you even more.
I’d just say hello, smile and nod when you first arrive, and let her come to you in her own time. It may take a while, but trying to ‘encourage’ her could do more harm than good.

Children are very fickle Sharke, try not to take is personally. She has got into this habit and the more you ask for hugs and kisses the more she will resist. In your position I would rein in a bit and not put demands on her , develop a carefree attitude towards her . Resist trying to pick her up , demonstrate an acceptance of her behaviour , smile , make eye contact and present her with a small gift now and again but don't expect a show of affection from her by way of gratitude. She is still a baby and if you bide your time with patience you will reap the rewards - in time !! and time is on your side so relax , accept and and let her be - she will come round . 💐💐

My mother always kept some little thing in her handbag for my little boy (sweets, bubbles, colouring pencils etc). She carried the same bag and would open it slowly and say (with a big smile) to him, "I wonder what's in here for you," He always went straight to her and one day when he could talk he said "Have you got anything in there for me, Grandma?" Bribery does work wonders with children and could break the ice.

Don’t try too hard sharke61.
I have one DGS who has always been a kisser, while the other is very reluctant. Asked for a kiss, he thinks for a second, then says no. Last night, he smothered the dog with hugs and kisses as I was taking it away with me.

Like Callistemon's granddaughter, she does actually say politely "hi, how are you?" before rushing off to find him!

I would refrain from picking her up or asking for cuddles.
Just enjoy the cuddles she gives to your husband and her happiness with him.
The more you leave her alone physically the more she'll trust you.

It's hard, but lots of children don't like people wanting cuddles and so on. They tend to avoid them in my experience.

One of my grandchildren was very aware of his personal space from being tiny. By about 5 he was "out of it" and even asked for hugs sometimes.

On the other hand, some people are just natural "children magnets" - my husband has always been one since our family was tiny. I just suck this up now - but when arranging for other children to come over to play even 40 years ago they would often be disappointed if he wasn't going to be in... 🙄
Now, some days one granddaughter walks right past me to check him out first - and then she will come back to "do stuff" with me.

Callistemon21

I remember crouching down in the hall as little DGD arrived, arms outstretched for a hug. She rushed straight past me to Grandad.
He's always been her favourite although I'm the one who played, cooked with her, read to her etc.

She's older now, the first thing she always says is "Where's Grandad?"

She's older now, the first thing she always says is "Where's Grandad?"

Actually, she is a very kind, polite girl and that's usually the second thing she says - the first is to give e a hug and to ask how I am 🙂

Do not despair. She is still just a baby.