HELP me to Help my MIL!

"New babies are too precious to be left just to their parents," was one of my mother-in-law's sayings.

Sounds like your mother-in-law thinks along the same lines MooMoo22...

Madgran77- yes you have to be very specific when asking/explaining things to people with autistic tendencies/behaviours.They are very literal in their understanding of things.

Same old problem. Many moons ago my mum tried it on with me - all the helpful hints and of course babies were always perfect with her. I valued her love and help and there's not a day I don't miss her. My advice to a soon to be new GM was learn to be quiet and help when asked. It's a miracle our children managed to survive and grow into wonderful adults. Your MIL needs to let go of the apron strings and let you parent your children your way - but maybe you can listen and make MIL feel part of the process of learning to be a parent. Good luck

MawtheMerrier

Suggest she joins Gransnet.
We’ll put her right

Maw is so right, a lot of us years ago were in your position.
a to maw for being so right and for you that you are like many more past and present.

grannysue you need to start a new thread if you want posters to focus on your question

Agree with others that your MIL is unreasonable. You’ve no doubt seen the wails of us mums to boys feeling left out (it IS natural for a girl to cleave to her mum), but your problem seems mega. The bond you are establishing with your baby and comes before anything else. Ditto breastfeeding. I think your position can be strengthened by your DH speaking to his mother - hopefully when she hears it from him, you will not be put in the position of being an awkward DIL. Have you considered expressing milk in a bottle once in a while - certainly not regularly. I would feel a bit worried about your MIL’s obsessive behaviour, but it is not as if she is alone and lonely. Does your DH remember what kind of relations he had with his maternal grandmother? It may be helpful to see how your MIL’s view of her role has originated. I do hope you get some relief.

Your MIL is in love! And her maternal instincts are on the surface. I wasn’t allowed to form any bond with my first GD as Mum was super possessive. It was a hard lesson to learn but I had had my time.
Could you allow Granny time and you stand back for a little while? Then come back and quietly assert yourself. Everyone is on a learning curve here.
However it does sound as if MIL is acting a little inappropriately, she has a problem somewhere with letting go.

As regards any criticism about how you nurture your youngling - that can be standard MIL territory. It took me over 20 years before my MIL accepted me - I was never good enough for her son, and she never approved of the way I brought up the boys because I didn’t do it the way she did.
I am pleased to say I have two amazing sons who have made wonderful loving parents and, remarkably, they are well-balanced individuals.

If MIL gets too clingy perhaps work out how long it takes on a visit for that to kick in and make the visits shorter, nip it in the bud.

On the plus side tiddler is loved and children who have GPs around are happier - may be at some point you will be happy to have her more involved, just be careful not to push her away too much - that happened in my case and it still hurts. Wish you all the best.

I agree with MawtheMerrier.

I think you both need to be more assertive now. You’ve tried to tread gently not to hurt her feelings but from experience, she isn’t going to stop unless you are stricter. We are no contact with my In-Laws and my MIL was very much acting like the mother. I got PND and PNA anxiety mostly because of how incompetent they made me feel. I would limit visits until she realises she needs to back away a bit and be Grandma not Mummy. Hugs. I remember how difficult it was xxx

It seems she has some deep issues of her own .. the mother of the male partner is always a different dynamic - maybe the maternal bloodline is stronger . I often read on Mumsnet of the MIL issues and often it relates to the giving up of the son to another woman . Now her feelings are amplified with a baby of the son she feels she has already lost - she’s trying g to get back some form of control and suppressing a lot of buried emotions .
I am not expressing myself well in proper therapist lingo but you get my gist — it’s a lot deeper I reckon .

I wonder if any other Gransnetters can offer any advice. Our eldest DGG has just been diagnosed with high functioning autism. She is 13 and finds it very difficult to make friends as her brain is not wired like others. She is therefore very unhappy and hates school. My son and DIL are very much on the case and have lined up regular sessions with a child psychiatrist and support in school. I'm told she will find it hard for another few years until she learns how to interact with others and eventually finds like-minded girls/boys.
Does anyone out there have experience of this and ideas how we as grandparents can help. We are going there for Christmas.

For what it is worth, I think this is getting out of hand.
Mountains and if not exactly molehills, not unheard-of family rivalries, spring to mind.
Attitudes seem to be becoming more and more entrenched on both sides too.
Mediation? Really?
What amazes me is how a busy mum with a 5 month old baby who is breast fed, and presumably friends, mum and baby groups, a home to run and a “life” has the time to spend on long long posts seemingly going round in circles.
I’ve only got me and the dog at home and I haven’t got the time to read a fraction of what appears on GN.
I wish you well, OP but with one piece of (no doubt unwelcome advice) - don’t sweat the small stuff.

lol Mother-in-laws hey?
One of the first things my mother-in-law said to me on seeing her grandson for the first time was oh he reminds me of HER father 😀

This in the future will all work in your favour as I expect your son will go cor sleepovers but when you are ready for that. She will need strict guidelines to adhere to and hopefully a very healthy ongoing GP relationship. My parents had so much time for my children when they were little and it meant we could have a night out too.

You sound like a very caring and thoughtful DiL. She's very lucky.
Had this been my MiL back in the day I would have shown her the door !!

choughdancer you are right about the "broken record"! Re acknowledging how someone feels I have found that sometimes it helps with hearing the "broken record" message; I suppose Moomoo could try both approaches and see how it goes.

Omg how I crave a DiL like you darling! I'm opposite! I was like a shadow, always in background and would ALWAYS help when needed, as my DS asked for when first GS arrived. It was not to be. I was royally used as a financier and general doormat resulting in nil contact!.
This lady does sound as if she needs some coaching as to how to behave, for manners if nothing else!! Your partner should be tackling this now, not you, she's HIS mum not yours and a broken relationship will ultimately harm the little ones at end of day. Also is her DH a silent partner in all this carry on? It sounds a if you're battling all fronts without any cavalry!! Get others involved to get her to behave like an adult and not a spoiled brat ! They're your children and MiL on dad's side is an accepted tenth in line to the throne!!

That was great for me as they said what we couldn’t! And explained what we weren’t able to

I think you and your partner need to look at why you feel you can't say the same or similar to what your mum said to her!!

I have read most of the comments. I think what is most important are your feelings and health as a new Mum and not your mother in laws feelings. Try and sit with your partner and write down what is and isn’t acceptable at the moment. This will change as your child gets older. I think your MIL needs some kind and loving written rules that she understands and can look at. She is overstepping boundaries but she obviously doesn’t know what the boundaries are.

Just lock the door. Yes she'll fall out with you but you'll have to be strong for your mental health.

Glorianny

I do wonder is your MIL just desperate for something in her life she can love and care for? Is she one of those people who never quite moved beyond being a mum? Who still sees that as the high point of her life and everything else afterwards as a bit of a let down. So what she wants to do is to recapture that feeling through your baby. Have you asked her about having something else in her life? It might be a pet (I watch some of my friends with their little dogs and I know they are baby-substitutes) or perhaps she would volunteer somewhere where she would be able to care for something or someone. She sounds terribly difficult to deal with but perhaps one of her problems is that she wants desperately to look after something and at the moment it is your baby. I do hope you manage to sort out your problem

It sounds really odd but we gave her something to focus on! We gave her one of our 4 tortoise that we had and rehome them. We didn't have room in this house we down sized due to cost so we found them all lovely homes one of which was hers! Shes great with it, shes also got a dog!

I think because she is VERY caring no doubt about it, i think she wants to do it through the baby not in a malicious way but because shes not used too someone else doing it. I think I could pose a small threat to her as I’m now that person and shes struggled to accept me in a way? If that makes sense?

I do wonder is your MIL just desperate for something in her life she can love and care for? Is she one of those people who never quite moved beyond being a mum? Who still sees that as the high point of her life and everything else afterwards as a bit of a let down. So what she wants to do is to recapture that feeling through your baby. Have you asked her about having something else in her life? It might be a pet (I watch some of my friends with their little dogs and I know they are baby-substitutes) or perhaps she would volunteer somewhere where she would be able to care for something or someone. She sounds terribly difficult to deal with but perhaps one of her problems is that she wants desperately to look after something and at the moment it is your baby. I do hope you manage to sort out your problem

I really feel for you MooMoo 22. It reminds me of my MIL and my sister-in-law! They both told me off for feeding on demand, not limiting the time on each breast, not getting into a routine etc. etc. But they lived a long distance away so I could cope with it! Your situation is far worse having MIL on the spot, and she sounds even more interfering than mine.

So much good GN advice above. On the question about which method of getting it over, I wonder if you could convey the message in lots of ways? She obviously has to be handled VERY firmly, however understanding you are about her motives and the autism!

Could you write an email, send a card, write a snail -mail letter, speak on the phone, speak in person at your house and at hers, having a walk together and even having a coffee or lunch together. Any or all of these would be even better if your partner was also saying the same thing. If you make sure the message is the same in all of them, it might get through. If that feels weird, use slightly different words/phrases, but make sure the same message is there every time. Keep it simple so she can't misunderstand, and if it were me, I wouldn't mention her feelings or be understanding of her point of view. I would just say clearly what you want and expect, using the 'broken record' technique if you are talking to her in person.

Very clear consequences; very clear on what is not allowed. I know you have tried some of these approaches before, but I feel a multi approach with the same FIRM message could work as long as you follow up on what you've said will be the consequences.

She seems a bit like a young child that is testing boundaries all the time. It's quite natural for a child to do that, and she may not realise she is doing it, but because you are a kind person who cares about her, she knows what to do to get her way; verbal abuse, tears, shouting, trying to make you feel 'mean' and unreasonable. Using the first precious months of your baby's life, when you are at your most vulnerable, to get her way.

Thank you all. Iv looked at a lot of threads on mums net and a lot are quite vicious attacks on the OP and also the MIL which is what were not doing and never would! Were trying to learn and understand and wanted a GP’s perspective as who better too ask than a GP!

We want to try just understand it from a Grandmothers point of view as It could well have been all on me. But you have all been really really helpful and pointed out somethings are but the main majority isn’t!

We want to understand all corners and we want to help her understand more about being a grandparent (we have no idea as were not grandparents ourselves lol!).

We want to make it work with her and we’ve been willing to do what we can to help. Its so hard too explain to her about her new role as she has always been the main lady of the family and the MUM again we have no idea as were grandparents.
But it did seem to really unsettle that balance for her the minute we became parents and she did really go in there more a mum rather a GP and was focused on doing it all herself. We did tell its ok were fine, we’’ll ask if we need help. That first time she came too ours and she was waltz in took the baby and bogged off too another room as she wanted privacy with him my partner was really upset and so was I. My mum was so cross with her as she just ignored the crying and refused to bring him back. My mum ended up following her to the other room and she just went ‘take this is politely as possible but you do not do that too a new mum and as a midwife and her mother please pass me my grandson Im taking him back to her as he is very distressed. And also I’m asking you not to do that again as you could put her at risk of PND doing things like that and the sitting in another room hoarding him..’. My MIL was quite shocked and she sort of wet sheepish. But few days after She asked my mum and dad what this new GP role is and they both said

“^ its wonderful but you can’t dictate, you can’t snatch and you certainly can’t go in to their home and take over that care giving responsibility! Our jobs? Well its very different from being the parent, we leave that role too our children now as they are adults with their own children we know they will call if they want help. We know you might want to just go in there and just ‘do it’ anyways but we can’t but we can offer support. Once Mum and Dad have done the caregiving bits we can have a squeeze. Also we understand some days babies don't want that they just want their Mummy and thats ok theres always the next visit for cuddles!^”

That was great for me as they said what we couldn’t! And explained what we weren’t able too.
But we still have that little speed bump of the MIL’s desperation to bond and wanting him to be comforted by her before me. Its a different bond in our eyes which we know WILL come in time once he’s old enough and not as heavily dependant on me.

My partners made a stupid comment last night ‘when he’s old enough mum you get that fun of turning up and taking him out whenever you want’ . I just looked at him and went absolutely NOT. They don’t take him whenever they want. Would encourage them to do that in a supermarket without paying? No.
When he’s older same rules apply you ask, don’t do as you please. Assumptions lead to arguments! And he had to change what he said. I was like you may be ok with your mum doing as she pleases when she pleases if it means shes doing all the hard work you cba doing; but I’m not ok with that, I don't let my parents do that so please stop overriding what we agreed on as you make me look like the bad one and its giving your mum false hopes and its not fair on her!!

I suspect the MN response would overwhelmingly be estrange, estrange, estrange.

With GN, the OP is getting a more thoughtful and caring response, from grandmothers with many more years experience of life and who realises that the OP is clearly a lovely caring woman who does not want to be estranged from her MiL and is trying desperately to square the circle.

As madgran has said She's(the grandmother) just not hearing , appears to want it to be her way or the highway and I don't think there is any "magic method" to be honest

It is about stating what is going to happen, ignoring the flak, re stating what is going to happen, refusing to be emotionally blackmailed and doing what YOU want to do regardless of behaviours. Using some of the many strategies suggested by various posters upthread.

............Clear unequivocal communication, repeated and repeated with no wavering! Learn from that and do it rather than looking for more "solutions"^

She is absolutely right.