Problems with grandchildrens mum

Hi, gagajo, I really feel for you. Your son lives with you. So I dont see a problem with the child being at your home until he gets home from wherever. The young fight it out and drag us into it. My relative has two ex daughter in laws and both are difficult without thinking about the kids. One kid hears all the rows in both houses and worries all day at school. Grannies house is the only place she feels safe. Grannies has been called a bitch by one of them, but when the school run doesnt fit in with work schedules, who do they call, Grannie. She is so reliable all four kids want to live with her. It will blow over, but others are right. Log everything, how long you and he, son, has them etc. One day you might need your diaries as proof of your involvement. Good luck

Get a solicitor as soon as possible. Write everything down, copy texts and emails Everything!
My husbands ex was like this. He had custody every Wednesday and every other weekend (long before I was on the scene). It ended up that she would just turn up and drop her off whenever she had a date or a girls night. She once turned up and said she would be back the next day but she had actually gone away for a holiday. We pleaded for full custody but she always refused, it was a horrible situation for the little girl to be in. Once solicitors were involved she had to abide by the rules.

I have experience of a situation with a toxic woman. She told my sil not to bother with a solicitor at family court then turned up with one. Awful, it cost over £35k to regain access to the kids as the court believed the mother’s rants. She’s been caught hitting the children and is a vile person, she cares nothing about hurting the children if it means getting at sil. The poor children. Everything she accused him of she has demonstrated herself in her behaviour whilst I have seen nothing but kindness and generosity and love from sil. Some women are just repulsive humans. We currently have a stable relationship with her (hardly speak unless strictly necessary). She recently moved a guy in that she’d met on the internet) from a country many thousand of miles away) she’d never met him in person before he moved in. I could tell some stories but that might identify the people concerned.

When I divorced my then husband, my children were very young. He would have the boys after school Friday to Sunday but, the boys would commonly end up at his mothers (their Nan) by Saturday lunch.
As much as I appreciated grand parents seeing their grand children, I was losing time with my boys so their father could spend time with them..
Could that be a reason why their mum wants them to go straight back to her?

I now am on the other side. I have an ex DIL and we definitely do not get on. She doesn’t want me to have anything to do with my GD. Is that something that has developed since your son’s separation?

You can only say how you feel but, it sounds like an honest conversation is needed so everyone involved knows where they stand.

jojo220263

The mother of my 2 grandsons one of 2 and one of 1 is toxic, I have tried to talk to her and be helpful my son is staying at mine because he can’t live with her and the boys stay at mine all weekend when she wants to go out, I’m not saying my son is perfect but all he wants to do is be a good dad but in her eyes he is the worst dad in the world. And now I can’t bring the 3 year old to mine after nursery because apparently he didn’t eat his dinner last week when he went home and had to have a bath

So how many weekends in the month do the grandchildren stay with their father "when she wants to go out"?
Does he go out when they are not with him?
Perhaps the mother is not as toxic as she's being portrayed or do you believe she should be with the children 24/7, unless you want to see them?
Your son has cut this contact you had, not the mother.
Open your eyes.

Gc's with separated parents put all concerned in a difficult position.
I can not be neutral in my situation re my DiL, as she has been very abusive and left DS after she realised he would not gain from the death of my DH, at least not before I kick it!
In my case DS has the 2 young ones, the others having left or been kicked out by DIL.
She was insulting and abusive towards me, so I blocked her. Her way of trying to talk was "talk you f###king cow!', which did not intice me...
I live in France, and talk with my GC's by videophone, the youngest being 8. Their DM was with a violent drug addiction and the Social Services got involved. So DS has 2 kids in a 1 bed flat, although he has asked to move.
It is easy to say don't take sides, but not always possible. My DiL nearly got the two little ones put in care if the kids had not called DS. DiL was out partying with her new one and left GC with no electricity or food, told me it did not concern me and to f off.
If life was perfect people would not consider kids as pieces in a game to be used to manipulate others in the family. It is not perfect.
Kids are not a piece of property and as they grow up they develop their own ideas on who they want to see, whatever DM or DF think.
Patience, you see them the weekend and they will decide if they want to see you more as they get older, IMHO.

Given that posts have to be reasonably short, I think it is also reasonable that people should be supportive in their replies (or ignore!).
I find it creepy that some people look into history of previous posts... Take the poster's story at face value and ask for clarification if not clear.
There is obviously much more behind this message but essentially she feels used and needs comfort. Of course mothers always have first right but that doesn't mean that a dear relationship with grandchild can be idly thrown under the bus.
I'm sorry for OP. Don't really understand...but as others have said best to accept with sadness and step back.

We made screenshots of all texts and kept copies of all emails.

Your son should definitely go to a solicitor regarding access and visiting rights. It will certainly not be cheap, and he may have to attend a family court, with his ex attending at the same time. When my daughter went, nobody was allowed to attend the hearing with her, I waited outside. The arrangement in place lasted until my granddaughter started secondary school, and having access overnight on a weekday as well as Friday night to Saturday night was no longer viable.
The father also tried to go for more access through the court but this was denied, because he made a big mistake in writing a statement to the judge on the wrong headed paper. When my granddaughter was 11 he told my daughter that my granddaughter no longer wanted to live with her, I won't go into details, but it was very upsetting for us all. We had a long chat with her to explain truthfully how things would be different from what she was used to. For example, becoming a latchkey kid rather than coming home to a full house, not being allowed to attend Saturday activities like ballet etc. She went off into her room, and a while later I found her on the floor curled up in a ball. Going to live with her father was never mentioned again. However, she has suffered mentally from that day onwards. I must add that as she got older she hated going to stay with her father and his new wife, and when she was 15 it all came to a head and she never went back and hardly ever sees her father, and never sees her new half siblings as his new wife will not allow.

My Ds partner used to o berate us for feeding GK too early! She moaned that they were coming hkme hungry!!! ( We'll give them some bloody supper I mentally fumed) h dear said I, I'll try and starve them while we eat at 5pm just so you who doesn't even work can dodge giving them some toast/cereal and a drink of warm milk before bo-bos shall I????!?!?! We no longer see or hear from any of them for 5 years now, sneak d pictures show blank little faces and no happy smiling pictures apart from the youngest who don't remember us.....

Ok as a mum to one of these sons is do not delete any texts between you and mum. Do as she says for now and make sure your son as got this in writing as proof. If he hasn’t already being to court for his child. Then I would suggest he does before it gets worse because unfortunately splits aren’t nice and all the bitterness comes out with grandparents being in the middle. My son has his done through court.

Firstly - Grandparents (In the UK) have no rights - non whatsoever. I know this only too well. And quite frankly, the parents can do whatever they like, they are the parents.
Good luck to your son and him getting a formal agreement (court order) to see the children - whichever way you look at it, the courts, 90% of the time favor the Mother.
The most important thing here is the child. Why disrupt his routine? Surely what the children go through is hard enough as it is without disrupting them further. A lot of parents done see this because they are so hell bent on 'getting back at each other' that they dont cast their eyes down and see what their children really need.
Apologies for any offense caused - we are in a similar situation with my sons children - and it is certainly not easy.

There really should be a formal agreement for custody between them, and it should be through a solicitor or family court.

Please try to do your best to get along with their mum, let her know that you will always be there for your grandchildren, and try to keep communication open.

Thank you to everyone for their advice I do try not to get involved it is hard because she uses the boys as a weapon .
Hopefully with the help of a solicitor he can get it sorted once and for all.

I also agree a formal agreement is the way to go.

This will help ensure he gets regular time

This will also place responsibility on your son to make sure you see the children and mean you don't need a relationship with her

Although I would still stick to being polite regardless. Courts will listen to evidence that you or he were not so being careful is sensible

Your son needs to get a lawyer and formalize a custody order asap

He should get a solicitor. He needs equal time with the children and monetarily support the children, equally to their mum.

jojo220263

I have tried to be civil but believe me she is an absolute nightmare. She says one thing then changes her mind, she says my son can only see the boys one a month then she says he has to have them every weekend.
Does anyone on her know any about mediation for them or should he just get a solicitor to sort this mess out.

He should get a solicitor. Formal custody arrangements, while not perfect, do tend to set things out clearly.

I have tried to be civil but believe me she is an absolute nightmare. She says one thing then changes her mind, she says my son can only see the boys one a month then she says he has to have them every weekend.
Does anyone on her know any about mediation for them or should he just get a solicitor to sort this mess out.

If he wold't eat his mea; maybe she suspects you've been giving him too many snacks .if its daddy's turn to bath him it should have been done

I would advise staying neutral and being polite because this will help you keep a positive relationship even if son and ex can't

This!

Have you tried asking her why?

Maybe seeing your son when he drops his son home is causing issues in some way and she wants to avoid that.

Your son should not have made that decision for you.

Maybe you could ask mum if you can have that time and drop grandson back?

I would advise staying neutral and bring polite because this will help you keep a positive relationship even if son and ex can't

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