Paternal Grandmother

Sometimes we have to give ourselves a bit of a kick up the bum to stop glass half empty feelings that's all

If you’ve had to wait a long time for a grandchild, have the parents had to wait a long time too?

I loved being with my babies and wouldn’t have wanted to hand them over to anyone at four months. Just wouldn’t have wanted to. Me and my baby came as a package. It didn’t occur to me that it should be otherwise?

Even now I think this whole thing of ‘alone time’ is really weird until their child is older.

More thanks to everyone - I am pleased I bothered to post on here. Not everyone agrees with my views (I did not expect them to) but certainly lots to think about!

So you see them more often now than before - you are blessed

Kim19 Thu 17-Feb-22 12:56:47
Just wondering how often you saw/met/socialised with them pre baby?
We saw them a little less maybe 1-2 times per fortnight.

To new grandparents
How was your relationship with the couple before kids

How often did you visit

Those answers are key to how often to visit post kids

be careful of viewing the new child as a toy that you want a go with.
it's normal that the mother will feel more comfortable with her own mother; she has known her all her life, you are a relative stranger by comparison.
it is also not going to endear you to her if it is obvious that you only want to visit to see the baby; as if DIL is just a gatekeeper to get past to the prize within.
do not say anything to either of them about how you are feeling.
that is for you to deal with, not them.
if you annoy, alienate them, you may not see the child at all.
they are busy establishing their family.
any help must be asked for from them. otherwise it is not help at all, just a nuisance, and could be manipulative.
let them be. give them space. be respectful. try to be content. and gradually your feelings may calm down.
good luck.

One visit to a week is a lot of visits, enjoy.

First of all...congratulations on the birth of your grandson.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but don’t get into a competition with the other grandparents. Your grandson is only four months old, no time at all....and plenty of scope for many enjoyable times to come.

It is still very early days. My daughter‘s son is also four months old. My eighth grandchild, but first for the other set. They have been very pushy, and I’m starting to see signs of my daughter and son in law backing away from them.

Take what you are offered, and don’t hanker. Don’t have ‘ quiet words’ with your son. This is a recipe for disaster. This is what my MIL did.

Enjoy...sew the right seeds now, and you’ll reap the benefits.

Oopsadaisy is spot on, they are not ours.
I also agree that nothing would have made me dig my heels in more than my in-laws having a little chat with my husband!
Having said this, I never turned them away even when their visits were inconvenient, I think I felt proud that they liked spending time with the children.
After my father in law died, my mother in law and my youngest, did lots of excursions together.

*VS gives good advice.

I am sorry that you lost your mum so young. Tru not to let that impact on your responses regarding your new grandchild now. [ flowers]

In some way I can understand this. my daughter had a baby in May 2020 a terrible stressful time for her because of Covid. Before the birth she thought it would be nice for her, husband and baby living in a bubble, in realty in didn’t happen after a traumatic birth and emergency caesarean. She was desperate for me to keep isolating and be in her bubble, her poor MIL works full time and only saw baby through a window for 2 months. I was upset on her behalf but it wasn’t my decision. 21 months down the road and its so different, daughter is back at work 3 days a week, granddaughter goes to Nursery 3 mornings and me and MIL share the afternoons ( MIL reduced her work hours). Granddaughter loves her Grandma and Nana equally but I think it was me who encouraged daughter to let MIL get more involved.

Although I was very privileged to be at my GDs birth ( by accident not design) I only saw them every 6 weeks, in the meantime DD sent photographs, nowadays we have FaceTime which is a good substitute.
It was only when they got older that the visits became more frequent.
Why does the arrival of a beautiful child cause so may problems with Grandparents, they aren’t ours! and to speak to your son is so wrong, if anyone had whispered in MrOops ear about anything to do with our children I would have been furious. Is it just jealousy or do GPs expect to be secondary parents?
Once a week at 4 months old is better than no visits at all and looking at other posters, once a week is something they dream about.

Some very varied views! Makes me realise I am luckier than some. Thank you all

Please do not talk to your son again, or pop in, the ball is in their court and they will call you
4 months is nothing with a baby, the perception of time parents vs grandparents is v different

Great post VS

This is another example how expectations could ruin a good relationship, like the one OP has now.

OP, I am very sorry for the loss of your mother at such a young age for both of you.
Please do not transfer your feelings and hurt to the present.
Your dil, son and have nothing to do with it and do not have to overcompensate/make up for it

Excellent post VS.

I'm in the same position, and I tried 'popping round' and was allowed a peek at the forehead of a sleeping baby wrapped in a shawl, asleep in a pram. No cup of tea
I was asked to phone next time I wanted to visit and she'd arrange a time when Baby was awake. I slowly realised Baby was never awake.
Christmas gifts have never been collected, so I have left them on the doorstep never knowing if they have been received or been stolen.
The children are both at school now, and I wouldn't recognise them. Its so sad but I doubt if the situation will ever change. I see the 'maternal' grandparents posts on Facebook, they obviously enjoy the children's company with baby sitting and sleep-over opportunities and happy days out.
I have no answers I'm sorry to say, just try to grow a thicker skin and try not dwell on the situation. I feel for you.

I admit I find it a bit odd, I would have jumped at the chance of a couple of hours to myself.
Having said that, I would not have liked feeling that I owed anyone time with my babies.

You are very lucky and should be counting your blessings, due to disability, distance and other circumstances,(not arguments) I have seen one Grandson twice when he was newborn and have never physically seen my Grandaughter.
You should stop moaning and thank your lucky stars you have the chance to see your Grandchild so often and get over yourself.

Our three daughters are fair to their inlaws with regard to seeing the grandchildren, if they show the interest.

I wish the inlaws ( to be ) had shown the same interest in helping (financially)
when our daughters got married to their sons !!!

Just wondering how often you saw/met/socialised with them pre baby?

ed

Thank you all - some very valid points.

4 months is still quite young. I would just give the still new family more time to adjust to their new normal. I think pushing for more time/visits right now might backfire, as you may become perceived as a source of stress for them.

BlueSparkle I think you are looking at this wrong

It is not down to your son and DIL to do what you need to sooth your envy, it is down to you to find a way to move past it

I know you are offering help but too many offers are going to come across as needy and badgering

Bring invited over once a week is fantastic, even if you feel that time is too scheduled the important part is that they are making that time for you.

Please stop pushing to have your grandchild alone, it's not necessary for you or for your grandchild and it is not what the parents want.

Maybe focus on offering something once a month on your terms, a picnic in the park, a day out somewhere, a meal at your house where they don't have to play host.

Treat them as a family unit and don't push for separating them before they are ready and I think things will change for the better