Paternal Grandmother

I honestly think it’s a primal instinct for mums that dads just don’t have or have as strongly.

My mum and my sister, I was instantly at ease with, I would walk out of a room whilst they had baby, nip to the shop. Anybody else I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing that.

I think that hurt my mil initially but my feelings were strong and honestly, I put my feelings first, my baby didn’t need to sense any anxiousness.

However after a about 6 months those feelings lessened. Then With second baby it wasn’t an issue, because I already had that subconscious feeling as though mil was in that safe circle.

I did however spend more time with my mum and sister because pre babies, I saw them frequently and we socialised, so that just continued. But i try to remember mil, I initiate visits, take photos of her with her gc.

Is your DIL planning to return to work? You may find the family needs more help at this time? 4 months is very young to regularly hand him over if he has been a much wanted baby. You do say you didn’t think you would have a grand child which leads me to think he may have been desperately wanted. You may find as he gets a little older DIL is more willing to share him. I really hope this situation becomes a little easier for you as it is a wonderful time of life to be thoroughly enjoyed.

i missed out on seeing my grandson when he was born the day after i went into hopsital, he was in for 6 weeks and i took nearly 6 months to recover, nurses in everyday, could not go out, i could not even hold him., he is now 3 and i see him every few weeks and i am happy with that, i don't need the overnight stays or have him all to myself, i am just happy that i have him in my life as there is a lot of grandparents who never seen there GC, most girls are closer to there mums when they have a child, it is not a slight against you, i never even left my son alone with my mum until he was 5. just enjoy the time you do have and maybe do what others have said, invite them for dinner of even a sunday visit or what i have done is looked after the little one and let them go for a meal or pictures than went home.

They must do things differently in the UK then they do in the US. I can see both sides, but I must say I think some of the remarks are rather preachy and cold-hearted. When I hear some of the stories on here about grands and grandchildren, it makes me feel sad.

dumdum

I used to hate ‘just popping in’ I was always in the middle of doing something, on one occasion I know I really riled my MIL as I told her where the kettle was. It really was not convenient.

With a new baby, "just popping in" really isn't on. Babies have to be 'scheduled' into the new mother's life-feeding, changing, bathing and the mother has to contend with the rest of the daily grind in between. Not to mention that precious mother-baby alone time... when she can sit back for 5 minutes having done all the things that still need doing and just take a breather, alone with her baby.

The reason it probably "feels like an appointment" is because the new baby probably has to be fed, burped and changed to a bit of a timetable - the wee mite needs this kind of discipline for its comfort and well-being.

I think once a week is good enough for now!

Oh I totally understand how you feel. I think paternal grandparents are quite often sidelined in favour of maternal grandparents. I think it’s because most girls are close to their moms.
But as time goes on, you’ll probably get your share of time with your grandson.
My advise is to say nothing, it will only make things worse.

Isn't it strange Libbee how some people just can't seem to get their head round the idea of a wider family units other than their own. And how sad that your son trying to maintain positive relationships with wider family had to give up because of tensions in his own nuclear family. Exhausting for everyone!

I am glad that you have such positive relationships with your other grandchildren.

Had the same with eldest sons wife. I don’t know my 2 grandsons at all. They are both young men now and I must admit on the odd occasions we see them (maybe once or twice a year) I find it difficult to talk to them. DlL would never let me babysit and on the ‘duty’ visits as she quoted, I wasn’t even allowed to hold them. Son gave up trying to help because it caused tension in their family. I have very close loving relationships with my other 4 grandchildren and oldest granddaughter lives with us but so heartbreaking not knowing the other two.

I didn't have a good relationship with my mum or mil (not my fault) so I have a lot of anxiety about being both mum and MIL myself.

I can understand wanting that same closeness with them but I truly believe how you get it is to not make comparisons or set expectations.

My future DIL is lovely and we actually have a lot in common and I'm not expecting it to always be easy but I think putting that work in, putting their needs as a unit first and understanding that they are early on this life journey and are working towards a lot of goals we forget were hard... Helps a lot

Blue sparkle 41, There has been a mixture of posts, let’s get the very unpleasant ones out of the way, people who think all mothers as automatically wrong if not abusive and not validating your feelings. The others can see that you are genuinely upset and I fully understand why you would be, Marathon Mum, sums it up really, usually the maternal mothers do have the bigger role. However if you get to see your little grandchild child just once a week, you will have a relationship with them. Try if you can, not to say anything to your son, if you do it could be seen as talking behind dil back, know you won’t mean any harm in it, but really everything is better if it’s the two of them whatever you need to sort. I wouldn’t do or say anything, m it’s very early days and you say your son is stressed anyway you don’t want to cause a rift which is easy Be yourself, loving but not pushy, enjoy the times you do have with your gc. Make it a pleasure when they visit however short that visit is. My dil is lovely, however I know her mum came first but I did get to see them.
.

You have been so honest about your feelings - I’m so sorry that your mother died when you were so young. I think give them more time - he’s only 4 mths. They are still getting used to having a baby and it’s a big adjustment. Your DIL will naturally turn to her own mum first I’m afraid - it happens. She also has to learn that she is now part of a wider family - your son also needs to learn this. They both have to make adjustments to this. Just be patient- and as someone else said - invite them to yours. Try not to be envious - you really are lucky to see them once a week - I have 6 grandchildren and am lucky to see them once a month and that was before lockdown?? Make sure you keep yourself busy with interesting activities - I do understand how much you want to get to know them - just let it move at its own pace. Try to leave your feelings out of it and be so glad that the little chap has 2 sets of loving grandparents- he is very lucky.

It’s not obligatory for both sets of grandparents to be treated equally. A woman will naturally gravitate more towards her mother at this time. Please don’t speak to your son about this. Keep your feelings to yourself and be pleased to see them so frequently as you do. I think many grandparents don’t realise what busy lives their children live and have completely forgotten how time consuming and exhausting it is to have a young baby. It’s all about the little family, not the grandparents.

Hi! I think DIL relationship can be tricky! It’s all very well for folk to say you’re lucky etc but you’re not being included as much as her parents. My son lives in Canada and I often think that’s why I get on well with his wife, there’s an ocean between us! I would talk to your son about how you feel, his child has a whole other family and you should be included without having to make appointments. S x

You are leaving your heart open to be stabbed (metaphorically) over and over again. Keep a bit of yourself back that no one else knows and then no one can totally hurt you if they don't totally know you. As an earlier person wrote. you need to find your own way past this. Expect absolutely nothing and then anything is a bonus. Develop other parts of your life so this lack of connection will hurt less and less. If things change then that will be a bonus but expect nothing.

VioletSky has a most sensible post

What violet sky wrote is very useful. To add, please DO NOT just pop by. Nothing worse than uninvited guests when you have a baby.

Invite them over for a meal so you’re helping them that way. Ask what time is good for them and baby’s routine. Ask what they’d prefer to eat. Make some extra and if it appears they liked it, offer the wrap up the left overs if it would help that DIL could have a break from making dinner in the week.

When you’re together, don’t give any parenting advise or say how you did things when your son was a baby. Nothing that could be felt as knowing better than your DIL. Follow whatever routine your DIL has with regards to the baby. Many MIL do what they feel is best rather than what the mother wants done with her baby and this can cause feelings of not wanting to interact with in laws.

Do nit have any quiet words with either your DS or DiL. It may be natural for DiL to associate with her side of the family if she did so before GS arrived. Would you expect her to abandon them and have you over every second day for a visit. Once a week is almost a luxury for some GPs. Have patience, you never know DiL may be grateful to have you more involved once baby grows and makes more demands on her time.

Perhaps ask your daughter in law over, put on an afternoon tea, and 'tell her your story'. Explain gently that you love all 3 of them, and would like a warm relationship and to be useful...without overpowering, or becoming 'that' M in L'

I'm lucky I'm my daughters Mum, but I really can imagine the pain you must be feeling. Sadly my daughters partner has no contact with his Mum, and I don’t know if she has been told she's a Grandma x

It's very difficult and I have been in your position and felt how you feel. We see a lot less of one of our grandchildren than we do the others. It took me a while but I came to terms with it. I came off social media as I was torturing myself seeing how much time the other grandparents spend with GC. I now accept it for what it is, but GC is now 6 and does love the time spent with us. Try and concrentrate on other areas in your life so this doesn't become all consuming. Jealousy is a horrible thing. Sending you a big hug xx

I’m so sorry. It seems to be the paternal grandparents who can feel that way. The only advise I can offer is never to be a problem do that your son feels torn apart. Your dil will naturally be be closer to her family. The intense feelings connected to an only son can only cause tensions. It’s difficult. Take a step back.

MarathonRunner, this is a brilliant post and exactly as it has been/is for us. We have only boys. The wedding seems to mirror yours. We paid half, (my husband used his pension pay out) but our opinions and efforts were not sought. After the top table bit, we were history as parents. Neither were our own wedding photos displayed alongside the DIL’s parents’. We realised we were just there to provide the money. This founded the recipe for our future with our eldest son’s new home life and GC (other son hasn’t married). Help sought for DIY and money to build up the home and now, with GC, money to pay for expensive meals out with GC, with me looking after them (which I loved and am very grateful for) whilst son and DIL enjoy. We denied the request to part pay for private school fees because we simply couldn’t afford it. Suggestions for babysitting fall on deaf ears and any very small previously agreed with DS domestic assistance (before I knew any efforts, however small or what I would view as helpful were simply not wanted) involved more mobile phone activity than usual and DIL’s Mum coming around almost instantly and targeting me with intimidating conversation whilst being around 6” away from me constantly - so that we left. They just want us for money, that’s all, no more and no less and we’ve second mortgaged ourselves to provide money for a bigger house (DIL rang me in tears when I was still very naive about it all) they wanted - and for cars. Any other assistance is simply not wanted or welcomed. Our son invited us to watch DGS enjoying an out of school activity. DIL’s parents turned up as they do every week and, despite crippling politeness, we distinctly felt the cold shoulder. Same with parties; we feel like trespassers - and we are very quiet, meek etc. I suspect our son has been warned not to invite us again as we haven’t been invited since, so that’s a treasured memory at least. Very sad, but DIL is a good Mum and she’s clearly very protective. As an aside, I was thanked for just 1 xmas present from 1 DGS; I suspect the many others I bought and wrapped were from Father Christmas. However, we have got over ourselves and understand the relationship is and always has been about money; we are not wanted for ourselves in any form or shape. On the plus side, they have formed a lovely family unit with everything we could only ever have wished for and have spent the last 45 years working for after starting with nothing. Our only wish is that they hold it together - otherwise we will feel well and truly exploited. One positive is that other younger son has seen all this play out and he’s now a more mature, caring person because of it - and still single at 35. My MIL was wonderful and always gave me welcome snippets of advice which I treasured. We never ever thought of looking to them for money and innately knew we had to make it ourselves. That was life then. I considered myself very fortunate to have 2 “mothers”. Sadly, she died too early but I’m still using her cooking tips. I just can’t understand why there is sometimes denial of extended family now but maybe it’s a new cultural thing, the way they live now and we mustn’t take it personally. It seems to me the role for some paternal parents is just to keep working until they drop! Sadly, we don’t have a daughter, so can’t offset all this with the benefits of the Mother/Daughter relationship.

Bub????

Bub is only 4 months old, you see them once a week, which is something. You have offered to babysit etc.
Time to take a bit of a step back for a while and please don't pressurise either DS or DiL or you may find yourself on the outside permanently.
It is understandable that if DiL is close to her mum, that she will turn to her first, it's nothing to do with the way that she feels about you and your OH.
She is obviously a bit uncomfortable with you visiting at the moment - maybe nothing to do again with you, or have you made comments, without thinking, comparing your GC with your son, or about how you used to do things that she has taken as a criticism even though it wasn't meant to be ?
Next time you go round to visit, why not take a cake or a little gift for her, such as some nice bath stuff to show that you are not going just to see the baby ?
Leave after the allotted time - if she is breastfeeding, she may be embarrassed to do it in front of you .
Just cheerily say goodbye and leave. Your time will come to get the one to one with GC that you crave.

My DIL kept me at arms length when our GS was born, and we were in the same position as you, in that her family were always visiting and babysitting, over the years things have improved- though I still sometimes admit to feeling left out. Give it time, always offer, and try not to be upset by the “own family” bias! Most of all make the most of the time you have with your GS. As he grows if you are a constant presence he will decide for himself if you are worthy of being his friend and guide! Which I am certain he will!

I admit to not having read every post so apologies if I'm repeating what has already been said.

Parents of their first baby are inevitably very very keen to do everything right and anxious about how to achieve that. Objectively speaking, it's logical for the mother to trust her own mother more, as she has experienced her parenting skills and presumably therefore trusts her. Whatever your son says she will naturally lean towards her mother for advice and support. As the baby grows she will hopefully become more confident and more ready to be welcoming and eventually trust you to do some child minding.
Be patient. Don't be needy. Don't compare.
There are millions of grandparents who see their grandchildren rarely.I'm one of them, even though I'm the maternal grandmother, but I live a long way away and have to accept that paternal grandparents who live quite close, see them far more often and know them so much better( they're now 11 and 9). Yes, I'm jealous but will NEVER say so!