Thoughts please !

The OP confirmed in an earlier post that the child is her GD.

In a previous thread back in August, she expressed “frustration at seeing things done not the way I’d do them”, and “relationships have just survived”.

She also tells us that she has four children all of whom are successful in their chosen fields.

If everything the OP has written is true (dirty house, alcoholic mother, leaving child with unsuitable sitter etc), it sounds as if her DIL needs more support from her ‘successful’ partner. It seems unfair to put all the blame on the DIL who is still in the fog of very early parenthood which is very tough.

I hope you find a solution and wish you all the best.

There seems to be more to this than we were told initially, seems to be a problematic situation all round. For me it would depend very much on the capability of the 14 year old and her relationship with the child.

Personally I wouldn't put the responsibility of a very young baby onto a child.
I can understand your concerns as this 14 year old seems to have no responsible adult around her to look after her wellbeing either.

My thoughts are that it's wrong to leave such a young baby for five hours, a breast-fed baby at that, with a 14-year old girl.

What we all did as schoolgirl babysitters in the past isn't relevant.

Have you asked your DIL why she didn't ask you to mind the child, and what does your son think of this?

Iam I think the alcoholic is the mother of the babysitter, not the baby's mother.

Lucca

Hithere

So the problem is that you were not picked to babysit the baby, I see.

Not for the first time Hithere I wonder why you are on a forum called Gransnet when you appear to think grandparents are always in the wrong.

Yours was a very rude comment and could have been put in a more kindly way

Lizzy60, your initial OP didn’t paint anything like the picture you gave in later comments.
You say the mother is an alcoholic. Is she ? She ‘went out’ for several hours leaving the baby with a 14 year old. I wonder if the parents of the 14 year old are comfortable with this? I wouldn’t be. Who risk assesses whether mum is sober if she’s been ‘out’
If this baby is your grandchild OP you are right to be concerned

Hithere

So the problem is that you were not picked to babysit the baby, I see.

Not for the first time Hithere I wonder why you are on a forum called Gransnet when you appear to think grandparents are always in the wrong.

Yours was a very rude comment and could have been put in a more kindly way

Enid101

Lizzy60

Enid101 I asked for thoughts not agreements . Girl is just 14 , baby is 3 months , they're not related in any way . House is dirty , girl's mother is an alcoholic & known in the area for this but not present during the baby's stay of 5 hours .

You think it’s wrong so report it. No need to seek the ‘thoughts’ of others - especially if you are spiky when asked for more clarity.

Actually I thought Lizzy was very restrained in her replies, not spiky at all, even when accused of being jealous.

I would be very worried for both children.

IMO it is not a simple question, nor does it have a simple answer.

At face value, I would say yes I would leave a 14 year old to care for a 3 month old. But this is not a simple yes or no answer and you know this, despite that being all you asked for.

Here in the US, teens can take the Red Cross Baby Sitter class at age 12. It includes classes on care for babies and kids, including changing diapers, asking parents about food restrictions, first aid and CPR certification. My oldest took it at 12 and started as a babysitter shortly after. She was about 14 when she took care of a baby. Most parents prefer to have older teens who can drive (to the hospital if need be) look after younger kids, but if it is just an evening out and the teens parent is near by it may not matter to them. It is certainly not unusual.

The reason my answer isn't simple is because there are so many factors that need to be considered. Is this 14 year old known well by the parents? Neighbor or family friend maybe? Has the teen been through a CPR/First Aid class? How far away will the parents be and for how long? Is the teens parent nearby and willing to step in if need be? (I myself made sure my kids were not a sitter to far away in case there was an emergency and I needed to step in).

I think the reason why DIL made this choice could answer a lot of questions as well.

My answer to the simple part of a not so simple questions is, yes I would leave a baby with a 14 year old if certain criteria were made.

May I ask whu it matters what other gnets think?

It still doesnt change what happened

Lizzy60

Enid101 Asking for thoughts is what Gransnet is for I think !

Too much thinking, not enough action

Enid101 Asking for thoughts is what Gransnet is for I think !

Bluebelle I don't know why she would chose as she did . I have always got on with her & helped her in many ways . She doesn't see her own family . Until today I was always asked to care for the baby . If she had taken her to an adult friend , fair enough .

Lizzy60

Enid101 I asked for thoughts not agreements . Girl is just 14 , baby is 3 months , they're not related in any way . House is dirty , girl's mother is an alcoholic & known in the area for this but not present during the baby's stay of 5 hours .

You think it’s wrong so report it. No need to seek the ‘thoughts’ of others - especially if you are spiky when asked for more clarity.

It’s certainly not something I d chose to do other than in an emergency
May I ask why your daughter in law would choose a teenage babysitter (the daughter of a well known alcoholic with a filthy house) to look after her little one ? Seems very strange to make this choice ? Are they very friendly with this well known alcoholic?
I presume your relationship with your daughter in law is very poor ? or they would have asked you
Are you meaning your son had no knowledge of this arrangement ?

There is no law in U.K. as to what age a child can babysit but usually people would choose someone over 16

I can really understand your concern but I think there sounds a lot more to this than that one question

It really depends on the 14 year old. When I was 14 I was regularly in charge of babies. I was very capable. My own daughter was a very capable 14 year old. I wouldn't leave a 14 year old that long with a baby myself, but it's not illegal where I live. Unless you have concerns that the 14 year old isn't capable, this is a parental decision, even if it isn't one you think is the right one.

The age of a person doesnt define what he/she can do and his/her maturity

I have met some 14 year olds that are more responsible that people my age.

Enid101 I asked for thoughts not agreements . Girl is just 14 , baby is 3 months , they're not related in any way . House is dirty , girl's mother is an alcoholic & known in the area for this but not present during the baby's stay of 5 hours .

Too many unknowns to give an opinion though I suspect you want us to say it’s unreasonable.
Really depends on the girl - is she reliable, does she know the baby, would she know what to do in an emergency?
Is the baby fairly easy or do they have any additional needs?
Where are the parents going?
At the end of the day, if you think the baby is at risk then you should report it.

Hithere They're not married . I have 4 adult children , in their 30's , all successful in their fields . The 14 year old is just that , 14 .

Namsnanny

You are assuming the qualities of the babysitter vs the grandmother.

We only know the age of the babysitter. That's it.

OP

Your son and his wife chose to leave their child with a person you do not approve of. Grandparents do not have input on those kind of decisions.

How is your relationship with your son and dil?

That's jumping the gun a bit Hithere.
Experience granny v inexperience 14 year old.
I know who I'd pick.

Hithere No , the problem is leaving a 3 month old baby with an unrelated 14 year old in a dirty house with a bottle for 5 hours , alone at home with only phone contact ! If baby had been left with an experienced adult , no problem at all !