Too much choice for the grandchildren?

Societies attitudes change with the times, I cooked the meals and they ate them, they didn’t make a fuss about things, always much to busy and it was not an issue, obviously puberty kicks in and everything changed, by today’s standards I must have been quite strict although I never hit them or punished, it was the look, which I understand still works, tell them once the next time it’s a problem and I do think they are happier with rules and safe boundaries.

The way society has changed hasn't helped. People want so much these days. As a child in the 1950's I had just 1 pair of shoes. Going to school, walks, parties, shopping, Brownies etc all in the same shoes. Nowadays my GC have umpteen pairs for all weathers and occasions and I still occasionally hear them say they don't have any shoes to wear!!!

i think the point that it encourages communication is a good point.
and it models polite conversation, and consideration.
obviously, for young children, i think one suggestion with a possible alternative usually suffices.

Less is more , too much choice for anyone isn't a good thing . Many in our World have no choices !

I am a fan of giving children choices.

We practise divisions of responsibility. As far as we see it, it’s our responsibility to provide warm clothes, good nutrition and development opportunities. It’s our DC responsibility to listen to his hunger and satiety cues.

We provide choices within limits.

For example, here are several outfits (which meet the day’s weather requirements), which one would you like to wear? Or ‘would you like curry, lasagne or fish and chips for your tea?’

Our DC is given choices about the activities we are going to do that day too. From the open ended ‘what would you like to do today?’ to the more closed ‘would you like to paint or bake?’. On the days we can afford to be more flexible, we take him into the garden and ask him which vegetables he’d like to help pick for lunch or tea.

All of the choices we give are formulated to meet his needs, whether that’s nutritional, developmental or just basic care.

We find it encourages communication, and respects our DC as a human.

For what it’s worth, this absolutely doesn’t cause me stress, and our DC is happy and is well-rounded.

I’m sure my MiL finds this very different from the days she parented, but she is wise to avoid negative comment.

Things have changed since I brought my children up. My daughter and DIL both give their children choices, it seems that's the way children are brought up now.
Best not to criticise, it's nothing to do with you how they bring up their children.
I certainly wouldn't have liked my MIL telling me how to bring my children up.

I can recall long hold ups in cafeterias with parents giving their children the choice of foods and the kids not being able to make a decision.
My kids got what I chose for them.

Parenting has definitely changed but what I would have been given as a child to have been allowed to have choices and make my own decisions.

Our grandchildren now have all the expectations of the world on them. They're expected to run before they can walk, they're expected to excel at school, they have to be tech-savvy, behave perfectly and jump through hoops.

In my days, we were seen but not heard. Nowadays, my very young grandchildren negotiate, discuss, question and have a voice and air their opinions regularly. We've unleashed "real" children not disciplined, scared little mutes and they're actually hilarious and great fun to be with ?

I'm with misadventure ?

Hithere

Classic

".I feel that its up to grandparents to pick up the bits of 'training' that parents miss"

What if the parents didnt want to teach that training that you think the parents missed?

Your statement above puts you on the category of parent when you are a grandparent - totally not your place.

Hithere, certainly had no complaints from my children when I potty trained my grandchildren, made pictures with them, cooking and sewing, tieing shoelaces riding bikes etc. Of course grandparents should step in and teach such life skills, and indeed if my children had any concerns about my teaching their children manners along with spoiling them and loving them, they know they could tell me, I never forget that they are grandchildren not my children, which is why I make sure I enjoy their company and make visits fun for them too.

Upbringing of children...

Classic

".I feel that its up to grandparents to pick up the bits of 'training' that parents miss"

What if the parents didnt want to teach that training that you think the parents missed?

Your statement above puts you on the category of parent when you are a grandparent - totally not your place

I don't quite agree with that. Grandparents can have their own views on upbringing children, and of course, they have already completed the process themselves and (hopefully) turned out well adjusted human beings, so might be trusted to give their own opinions to parents who are only just beginning the parenting journey.

I had to laugh at my OH the other giving our daughter a choice: we’d been out for the day, we’d walked around the park in the town, she’d played on the playpark despite the drizzly weather and then we’d popped into the Centre and found a bookshop. She found some books she liked and sat reading them whilst I popped into a couple more shops. After I’d finished and was more than ready to go home he asked her “playpark or home?” She immediately said home cos she’s engrossed in her book!! Whereas he’d wanted to return to the park so got a bit grumpy!! He’s not got the hang of parenting a tween yet!

I had four children and believe me, it never occurred to me to ask them what they wanted. I cooked and they ate it, I’d put their clothes out for them and they wore them, no argument. Much too busy with all the other chores and a job as well.

Our choices as children were… Like it or Lump it

A choice of two things, where neither actually matters either way, is fine for young children.

Some things aren't up for discussion though and just need to happen: putting suncream on is one example, though I might ask which arm we should do first, left or right?

I agree, give them choices so they have some control over decisions, but keep it to a choice of two, makes life easier for everyone

When my Dd and grandchildren arrive they ask what's for dinner as I'm already cooking.
When DD was little I don't remember offering a choice unless it was her birthday or she had friends for tea. I was a single mum who worked full time, I definitely didn't have time to make two different dinners.
When my granddaughter (eldest) stays she asks for certain foods, I have anticipated that and normally have the ingredients.
I think children should have a certain amount of choice, the right questions definitely prevents some of the tantrums in my experience.

I was never given any choices as a child or as a teenager. When I went into the world I was not equipped to make decisions because I had never been encouraged to do so, even though I did have my own opinions at the time. When I had a child, my Mum told me off for giving choices, but I told her that unless a choice was dangerous or inappropriate, I didn't have a problem with it. My child turned out far more capable than I ever was, and I feel that is at least in part due to encouraging thinking for themselves.

Teddy123

Miss Adventure. Brilliant post. I said to one of my GC last week "Grandma's house, grandmas rules". He didn't look happy, more disgruntled with my comment. I had to refrain from laughing out loud.

That"Grandma's house Grandmas rules" sounds great. Though it backfired on someone I know rather badly. Babysitting at their house the children were asked to stop playing and get ready for bed. They turned and one said "Our house, our rules" and kicked lego everywhere and upturned the toy basket.
I have used it myself but watch the situation I am using it in now, though we did have a laugh when I was told the story.

Miss Adventure. Brilliant post. I said to one of my GC last week "Grandma's house, grandmas rules". He didn't look happy, more disgruntled with my comment. I had to refrain from laughing out loud.

If giving young children a choice it should be "this" or "that". Not what do you want!

Like a previous poster said teachers never gave multiple choices when I worked, how can you with a class of 35.
I practised the same with my own children my saying was" I'll ask twice and then I'm telling you". I also gave warnings about what was going to happen "In ten minutes it will be bedtime"'which gave them a chance to finish what they were doing and be prepared,it also taught them the time as I would say the big pointer will be at.....in ten minutes time.
With food, I gave two choices and they had to decide between them which one it would be. A selection of clothes was put on a chair and they choice from it what to put on.
Times have changed some of my children still do what I did some don't but I can tell you which have the easier life and the others are starting to adopt the method.

The current advice is limited age appropriate choices. A 2 year old can choose whether to wear the red or blue shirt. A 4 year old can choose whether to buy the red or blue shirt. The secret is to only give them a choice when it doesn't matter to you which they choose! My son is 8, and can handle more choices now, but still limited.

Parents who pander to their child's every whim aren't helping anyone. Authoritarian parents who give no choices aren't really helping either.

How fortunate to have such an appreciative family

This particular DGC is very polite. She even ate a piece of broccoli! And liked the slightly burnt roast potatoes.