Feeling sidelined

“ No-one looked after my DD1 until she was nearly 3 and I was in labour with DD2. ”. Good heavens whyever not ?

Yes I think the answer is to bide your time. She’s still a baby . Wait until she gets a little older and I’m sure lovely times will be in store for both of you. Take a step back and let them come to you.

It always saddens me when I hear of paternal GPs being treated in this manner, and being made to feel this way. We all know that DDs generally gravitate towards their own parents, and that's fine. Most of us are, after all, DiLs ourselves and have been through it all before. This is not something new to present day mums.

Unless there's been relationship issues between a DiL, and MiL, previously, I can't understand why some DiLs deliberately make their husband's parents feel this way. There's no reason for making a GP, who isn't overstepping the mark, feel that they are not welcome, or they can't even have a little playtime, or read a book with their GC. It's very upsetting for any GP to be treated this way, if there is no valid reason.

Is your son present when you visit? If not, could it be that your DiL feels a little awkward/uncomfortable having you around when he's not there? I'd also appreciate the fact that they are both working, and have less time at home together with their little one. Someone did mention that a 1.5 hour visit, on your DiLs day off, may not be something she's happy with, but she's not stopped you from visiting, and understandably the little one will be needing her regular nap at some point.

Personally, I agree with whoever said that it's best for you to have a little word with your DiL and not your son, as you quite rightly said that he will simply tell his wife, and frankly, I think that will just get her back up, and make matters worse. There's no reason to be accusatory at all. Just be nice, and casually say that you hope she doesn't feel you're overstepping the mark with your visits, as you do understand how busy they are with work, etc. You could even casually, with a little laugh, say you don't mind doing the odd bit of housework/ironing/cooking, if it would help her out at all. That would mean less time for you with your GD, but it could help to ingratiate yourself to your DiL (even if she wouldn't dream of taking you up on the offer!), and help to improve/build upon your relationship with her. She doesn't have to take the offer literally, but she'll know you're thinking of her, and she'll probably sense that you are feeling a little unwelcome. Just tread carefully.

The issue with the gifts does sound rather rude, petty and unappreciative, not to let your GD play with them (assuming they are age appropriate, and adhere to safety regulations). My son has recently mentioned that they would like me to buy more wooden/fabric toys for my little GD, but I have been guilty of buying her the odd, 'all singing, all dancing, lights flashing', toys in the past ... just because! However, I do now always ask what they would like me to for birthday/Christmas presents, as I realise that parents have their own ideas, and I prefer to buy things that they actually want her to have.

It's a shame about the situation at your son's birthday lunch, it must've made for a bit of an awkward atmosphere. It's still early days, and maybe your DiL is simply a bit over anxious. Hopefully, given time, she will relax a little, and you'll be able to enjoy the time that you do get to spend with your GD.

Don't try to rush the issue. Remain calm, casual, and polite at all times. There will no doubt be a time when they need you, and they'll let you know.

So sad to hear your experiencing this. Are you on your own, or do you have a husband/ partner? Other children? Grandchildren?
I personally, would speak to my son, otherwise you could be stuck in this limbo forever. It’s been 18 months already.
You do risk the relationship worsening I know, but it’s already not good, with a great potential to get worse as it picks up speed.
If people don’t talk, nothing can get resolved. It could be your DIL thinks you’re not that bothered. I know I’m clutching at straws here, but I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. I always think there has to be something,when people behave like this. Your son may not have noticed, so give him a chance.
Don’t put up with it and be ‘happy with your lot,’ without at least exploring all avenues first.
Hope it goes well.

I didn’t particularly read it that the OP wants alone time with her granddaughter, just to be able to sit and play and read with her, rather than watching mum do it. She does mention about going for a walk though. Is this alone? Or with the mum?

I didn’t let any grandparents take my children out alone at any age to be honest. I felt they weren’t trustworthy enough.

I’m another one for talking, although to be fair, it never did us any good with extended family!

OP, your son knows you, and you ( hopefully), him. Maybe start with him, and then both together. You could just wait and see how things pan out in a few years.

I’m sure time and patience will sort it all out. Perhaps don’t sit there till DIL hints for you to leave, go before.
Don’t overstay your welcome. 1.5 hours twice a week or whatever is more than enough for a working mum to have her MIL there.
I feel sure it will all come right in the end, especially if she has another baby she will relinquish her tight control of the older child.
Just try to enjoy your time with both mum and toddler at the moment.
Offer to help with abit of ironing, gardening, shopping, anything to keep the lines of communication open with your DIL.

I would cut back a bit. If 1.5 hours is their limit make sure you are on your way after an hour. I expect that your DiL senses your desperation and probably is trying to control it. You may find that things settle down if everyone relaxes a bit. I don't think that my own daughter would have tolerated me taking a GC off for a walk in the middle of a family get together. Things may not be as you would wish but it is her daughter. Maybe focus more on your DiL, chat to her, build a good relationship, ignore the GD for a bit. Make the most of what you have, even if its not perfect.

OP writes,
I’m very aware of giving them time together and not intruding,

how do you mean, giving them time together.
what would DIL write on this subject.
you seem to have quite a lot of visiting time.
the child's mother goes out to work, and naturally wants to build the primary relationship of her daughter with herself.

"the child's mother goes out to work, and naturally wants to build the primary relationship of her daughter with herself" OK so does that have to include the OP being ignored by her d.i.l. at her son's 30th birthday luncheon welbeck?

Does that mean that the OP has to be supervised when she's with her GD? Does that mean that the OP must be satisfied with watching her d.i.l. play with her GC because she isn't allowed too? Does that mean that the OP's d.i.l. needs to refuse to allow her D to play with the toys the OP has bought for her?

Of course not.

I'm so sorry you are being treated this way Twinstar. It has to be experienced to know how terribly hurtful and heartbreaking it is.

There's nothing you can do I'm sorry to say except enjoy what time and interaction you have with your GD and hope that with time things will improve.

I hope they do.

The first two paragraphs of your post are spot on Nansnet.

The OP is not supervised in the visits - the mother of the child is there too

Does dil have to leave the room and leave the child with mil so OP doesn't feel supervised?

Lucca

“ No-one looked after my DD1 until she was nearly 3 and I was in labour with DD2. ”. Good heavens whyever not ?

Probably because, like me, she didn't want them to.

Do you mean they already have two boys or is this the first baby?

I’m unable to enjoy fully being a Nanna in the way I had hoped and after having two boys was so excited to have a grand daughter.

Or do you mean you had two boys?
Do you have other grandchildren Twinstar?

Notspaghetti

Same here.
Only a major emergency would make me look for a sitter

I never needed or wanted a sitter for my young children either. I don't think it's that uncommon.

Sorry I wasn’t being rude I was just surprised that in three years nobody at all had looked after your child for even a few hours , be it grandparent, friend, nursery or whatever and wondered whether it was an intentional policy or just chance.

Toadinthehole "I didn’t let any grandparents take my children out alone at any age to be honest. I felt they weren’t trustworthy enough."

Daisymae "I don't think that my own daughter would have tolerated me taking a GC off for a walk in the middle of a family get together."

Reading the OPs post again, I took it that the OP meant she was taking her GD for a little walk, during the lunch, perhaps because she was becoming fidgity? In the past, when I've been out with my son & his family, I've taken my GD for a little walk around, when she has become fed up with sitting at the table, or in her pushchair. My DS & DiL have been extremely grateful, as it's allowed them to be able to eat their meal together, in peace. And, of course, Nannie doesn't mind one little bit if her food goes cold![grin} Seems some mothers just like to make a rod for their own back, which is, of course, their choice.

Smileless2012 I agree with everything you've said.

Hithere "Does dil have to leave the room and leave the child with mil so OP doesn't feel supervised?"

Of course not, but for the OP only to be able to sit and watch mum play with the little one, and for the mother to distract the child away from her GM, seems rather odd, at least to me.

So agree with Nansnets first two paragraphs. She holds all the cards. I would get going after 1 1/4 hours. I think a lot of dil see mil as a rival. I love mine so much, but she has made contact impossible now. My son loves her, so for him, well he’s not going to rock the boat. She refused my attempt to talk about it, became defensive and tight lipped so I bowed out gracefully, apologising and left it as it is.

I’m trying to see it from DIL perspective and I recognise she is highly strung and needs to control every aspect of her life or she feels anxious.

Twinstar perhaps the above is the key to it all ? Maybe she has MH issues that you are not aware of …

You aren’t being ‘walked all over’, the parents are parenting their own way .
Enjoy the time you have with her rather than being miserable about your expectations not being met .

.

My Mother-in-law was not demanding but thank goodness I didn't live near my mother or I would probably have been seen as the mother in the OP.

Yes, my mother was besotted with my children. And yes because of this I needed to protect them from her at all times.

As a mother you are tuned-in to your babies, and acutely aware of any possible wariness or other needs they may have. Some grandparents, out of love, want to (sort of) borrow them in order to "love them up". I would have been seen as very mean with my babies and it was years before they went off with anyone on their own, but, they did do it and still visit their grandmother pretty often, taking their little ones with them.

Relax Twinstar you are coming over as a bit on the needy side (as my parents did). It will settle down in time and in years to come you will reap the rewards of your patience.

I can also read the neediness and desperation in the post.

Is it possible that it is translated in her behaviour in real life and the dil is just reacting to it?

I feel that Twinstar is used to being in control and has/had definite ideas of her place in her granddaughter's life ( please not the revolting 'bub'); her daughter -in-law is understandably wary.
Let it be.

Thanks Nansnet I agree with your post too.

That's interesting Hithere I see fear, pain and anxiety in the OP but not neediness and desperation.

TBF we all I'm sure have a 'vision' or dream of what we hope/ think our involvement with our GC will be. How many prior to it happening envisage not being able to play with their GC but just sitting and watching while their d.i.l. plays with her child?

How many are made to feel that the limited amount of contact they do have is always supervised? How many never expected to see their GC ever playing with any of the toys they'd bought for them? How many ever think they'll be deliberately ignored by their d.i.l. or s.i.l. at a family function?

Surely the way to deal with a genuine sense that a close family member, either biologically or through marriage, is needy and desperate is to find ways of reasonably giving reassurance to try to alleviate those feelings.

If the OP's d.i.l. is reacting to neediness and desperation as you've suggested Hithere IMO she's fuelling the fire by "reacting to it" in such a way as to reinforce what Twinstar is feeling. It's as if there's no thought whatsoever for the mother of her H and the paternal GM of her child.

Yes smileless, it is a vicious cycle - the mother of the child feels the neediness and gets protective, which triggers the GM's anxiety and spikes it up, which the mother feels even more and goes on "supervised" mode, as it called here

The OP here is given weekly visits with the gc, so her feelings are taken into account
The gm gets to see the gc in a very regular basis

It is not up to dil and son to make sure OP's OP's expectations of grandparenthood are fulfilled

Uff the autocorrect is out of control, sorry

Twinstar doesn't actually say she has weekly visits, just that she regularly visits when allowed.

Twinstar if all your daughter-in-law is comfortable with you doing is sitting and watching, then I'm afraid that's what you must do: sit back, relax, and watch. Don't sit on the edge of your seat. Talk to your daughter-in-law and compliment her. For whatever reason she isn't comfortable in your presence yet, but from what you say she does let you visit when your son isn't present, ie just the two of you, so I'd take that as a positive.

Maybe her own mother is jealous? Maybe that accounts for her not speaking to you at the birthday lunch if they were there?
How do you get on with her parents, do you have a friendly relationship with them?

Just out of interest who looks after your granddaughter when your daughter-in-law is at work, is it her mother or professional childcare?

Sorry lots of questions, just trying to think of different angles to consider.
I am sorry you're upset about the current situation, but hopefully given time things will improve.