Disappointed in my grandson and my son

He may not even be keeping up with the $ transfers. My grandchildren at this age were not really aware of $ as everything they needed or wanted in that way was supplied by parents. Are you close enough to have a frank discussion with him? Fussing to his dad will only push him away.

I feel saddened at so many excusing bad behaviour as typical teenager behaviour. It is poor parenting in my opinion.
My two never hid in their rooms and always treated their grandparents as cherished members of the family.
Personally I would stop the pocket money and see what happens.

Can I just say that my own adult children are much more important to me than my g.children. Yes, I do love the latter, but as an extension of the love for my children.
On the occasions I visit, I actually do go to see my g.children. Fortunately, all their partners (husband/wives) understand this. Love it if my visit coincides with g.children being out, or staying in their rooms, gives me that lovely time with my child.
3nanny6 - are you really going to put your relationship with your daughter at jeopardy - and that will also mean your future relationship with your g.sons?

Riverwalk

Call me old-fashioned but a 12 year old shouldn't be in bed until 2pm!

Did he not come down for lunch?

ok. You are old fashioned

Oh! for heavens sake. This boy is 12 years old. What do you expect him to do, throw himself on your for a hug and cuddle??
At least you were allowed in his room, not all teenagers would permit that. Many often have signs on doors telling us all to KEEP OUT!!
The pocket money you give him, whatever amount, is just that - Pocket monef him to do with as he wishes. No accounting to anyone for is. Nor, I hope, was it given as a method of (as others have said)purchasing his gratitude and/or time.
Give this lad a break. He is starting, what is likely to be, the most difficult four or five years of his young life made even more difficult at present times by the horrible hand that has been dealt out to these young people.
Just feel fortuante that you can afford to give this amount to him for his use and enjoyment in whichever way he wishes. His gratitude does not need to be expressed in words or deeds to you.

3nanny6 in your position I think I'd call "Hello!" up the stairs to the grandsons as I arrived, then enjoy a nice adult cup of tea and conversation with my daughter.
With three boys in the house she'd probably be glad of the respite!

My grandchildren are only four and a newborn and, much as I love them, people's posts on here make me realise that my relationship with my daughter is the most important one to nurture.

My GC are younger than 12 but over the last 4 months the three of them are almost always in one of the bedrooms on computer or tablet when I visit and sometimes the eldest one comes downstairs but rarely the other two do. I tell my daughter to call them to come and say hello and she just says they are playing let them be. I always bought gifts or treats with me and my daughter took them away to the kitchen.
It was making me feel upset so I told my daughter you know where my front door is when you want to visit and left it at that. If my daughter does not want to make any effort when I
go there then it is what it is.

He sounds like a teenager. They are like caterpillars - very hungry ones! - who will emerge as butterflies at 18 or, if you're lucky, 16. They've been having a hard time for 14 months, often sent home from school, not able to socialise with their mates and the bedroom is their (frequently insanitary) refuge. Your GS isn't being ungrateful. He may not even notice that money is going into his account. Just be patient. Most teenagers do eventually become human beings. I speak from experience!

He wasn’t asleep in his bed, he was just in his bed. Away from the grownups ?

Doesn’t anybody remember the awful tedium of visiting relatives trying to make conversation with you.

Sorry OP but I really don’t like this idea of you thinking that because you’re giving him money, he should give you attention. I rather think that if you say I’m stopping it if you don’t repay me in attention, he’ll be inclined to say Good, now I don’t even have to say Hello.

People (especially teens) resent attempts to control or create obligations.

I stopped sending money to my nephews and nieces for the same reason. It’s very generous of you to continue. Children get far too much spent in them these days - mobile phones, x boxes, expensive bikes etc so he might see £20 as being too small a sum to warrant a thank you (although it most certainly isn’t) so save it if you don’t want to stop and buy him a nice gift for Christmas and birthday perhaps. He may be more appreciative.

Is there something biological that makes teen boys sleep longer than girls? I only have one daughter so it might just mine, but the girl was up with the lark, the boys when hormonal teens could sleep for England.

I think if he is sleeping in until 2pm, maybe go after that time so you can see him. Yes, he should thank you for the money, maybe your son needs to remind him.

Stop if you want to but it will not make him come out of his room.

If you tell him you are going to stop giving money unless he spends time with you then maybe he will only spend time with you for the money.

Sounds like a typical teen.

Call me old-fashioned but a 12 year old shouldn't be in bed until 2pm!

Did he not come down for lunch?

He may be a teenager with all that entails, but he also needs to learn some manners. You should not have had to go up to his room where he was loafing in bed, he should have come downstairs to see you. Just stop sending him the money, put it in a savings account for him instead and maybe the older him will appreciate it and have the good grace to remember his rudeness and feel ashamed. Unlikely though, seeing as his parents didn't seem to think there was anything untoward about this. Being a teenager is not carte blanche for bad manners.

Peasblossom

A thank you for a gift is simple good manners.

But it’s not a gift,is it? It’s a purchase. Money for time and attention.

Still, I do say thank you in a shop.?

kind of this..... I give gifts because I like to do it. Its nice to be thanked but my giving is not contingent on it. If the giving (not the thanks or the attention) no longer gives me pleasure, I will stop doing it.

It sounds a bit like you’re trying to buy time with him the way you’ve worded it. My parents give my daughter cash so there is a prompt for her to thank them which you don’t get when you do it electronically. My daughter’s not as keen to spend time with her grandparents now just because of the age she’s at and the interests she has. Doesn’t mean that she loves them any less. Although it’s easier if we go to them rather than them come to us, as she just wants to play in her bedroom when at home!

I think its less to do with the pocket money and more to do with the fact you don't see him.

Lockdown has been a sh!tshow for these poor kids and they have done alot of growing up in those 18 months especially as some are approaching teen years.

He's 12/13 and behaving a like typical teen. He's not the same 'child' he was before lockdown. I dont think many teens want to spend time with their parents, let alone grandparents.

If you want to stop his money because of this then that's your choice.

But I'd say, unfortunately is normal behaviour.

Many of us feel sad when our GC, who were so loving when small, seem to change at about secondary school age. Difficult to get any conversation from them, not bothered about coming to tea anymore, just view us GP as old fogies really.

Our GS, now 16, who we have hardly seen throughout lockdown, now seems more inclined to make conversation and just seems more adult. Give yours time.

As others have said, the money going in electronically is now viewed as automatic, not requiring a ‘thank you’ every time.
We only give our GC money on birthdays and Christmas, and a bit extra if they go on holiday.

Sorry but teenager stop visiting and you may get a errr hi then there gone
Either upstairs or out

I remember my own son saying to me
Do we have to go to manna’s
Especially if he was with friends and that was at 10 yrs old

You can’t just stop because he’s growing up and thank you is the last thing on his mind
Unfortunately!

Unfortunately he is behaving like a typical teenager. They do grow out of it eventually - well most of them anyway.
I have always considered any gifts I give to children, godchildren and grandchildren as unconditional. I know this goes against the grain for some people but I would never insist on a thankyou - if it comes it is like a gift in itself.

I don't think I would expect a thank you every month for a regular electronic transfer of pocket money.

Thinking back to when I was that age, thanks would certainly have been given when the offer of monthly pocket money was first made, and the first payment received, but I doubt it would even have crossed my mind (or been expected in my family) to repeat those thanks every month. I think it would have been seen as one gift - one of regular pocket money.

As I said further back, I would see it differently if the money was handed over personally each time, rather than by electronic transfer, but that's because I expect - and give - thanks for anything that is handed over, even if it is just a glass of water!

Reading between the lines, the issue of not seeing your GS and him being surly during your visit has hurt your feelings. This IMO has zero to do with his pocket money.

It’s obviously your money to do with what you please. To expect affection as a consequence of pocket money is the very definition of a gift with strings attached.

To me it sounds like a typical pre-teen closeting himself in his room, with all the normal “urgh, adults” feelings and behaviours that go along with that.

Given that the pocket money has been ongoing for 4 years, did he gratuitously thank you in previous visits? Or are you put out because you’ve (quite normally for any teenager) fallen down in his list of priorities?

By all means have a conversation about missing having chats with him and let him know that you want to know about his life, I suspect that’s what’s actually bothering you.

If it's a monthly electronic transfer does he even realise it is appearing in his account? If he has said thank you initially maybe he doesn't know he has to say it every time.

12 year old boys tend to stay in their room. It just says he is comfortable with you and sees you as part of the family. I think you may spend the next 5 or 6 years being very disappointed by him if you want him to interact with you for long lengths of time. If it is important to you then I would give him a reason to - or tell his dad you expect him to so he can lay down the ground rules.

I don’t give my Gd. Regular amount of pocket money , but I often send them a book I think they would like (prior to asking Mum if it’s ok). I also give them maybe £5 £10 when I see them , They aren’t short of cash each one has a bank account with a fair amount in I am told , the eldest one is £;000,s , probably more than I have as spare cash.

Your grandson was rude to accept the money and not say thank you. His father was equally rude in not making him.
Bad manners; nothing to do with raging hormones.

I would try to speak to him once more, and if he is rude again, then simply stop giving him money; no recriminations, simply stop.