New nanny - feeling a little left out

Regrets I have a few........mainly how I left my in laws out and my mother had most contact with my sons. But I think this has and always will be so. How hurt mother in law must have been and what a bitch Iwas but too late now.??

Hi, congratulations on becoming a gran, its completely understandable how you are feeling but my advice to you would be definitely don't message every day, baby is only 3weeks old and mum and dad will still be overwhelmed and its only natural that your daughter in law will have her mum helping. Just concentrate on the coming years that you will I am sure build a good close relationship with your beautiful GS. I have 3grandchildren, sadly my younger son is now divorced but we still have a good relationship with our granddaughter, we realise her other grandmother lives closer and has more time with her but it is what it is. Our other grandchildren live down south and their other grandparents have a very close bond as they have helped bring them up but when we are able to go down we have a lovely relationship, we accept this is the downside of having sons, if it is a downside, lol.
Enjoy your grandson, I am sure you will build a lovely relationship with him over the years. Xx

Hithere

Before baby:

How often did you call them?
How many visits to your home and for how long?
How often did the parents call you and visit you?

Please do not expect an increase in frequency just because baby is here.

If anything, the frequency may be less because they are busier than before.

It is not personal, the parents are rearranging their priorities and you might not be as high in their list as you wish

My thoughts exactly.
Congratulations on becoming a grandparent and learn patience:
Patience to wait until you’re needed
Patience to keep quiet and judge inwardly
Patience to remember you love them all and that will shine through
Patience to see your son become a Dad and you dil a Mum.

Congratulations - it is the loveliest job I've ever had.
I don't know how near they live or how mobile you are, but my advice is offer to take baby out in his buggy once a week for an hour to give mum some 'me' time. Make it really clear this isn't time to get the Hoover out, or sort out the washing. Collect baby at the door - don't let her feel judged. Perhaps take some relaxing bath stuff.
And if you get to know the other grandma better, it makes life easier when baby is older.

Oh I do feel for you, I was in exact same situation. You do feel like you have to push yourself on them a bit. It really is early days though let them get settled it’s all overwhelming for your dil and she’ll want her mum to reassure her.

If you’re close to your son after few weeks do tell him how you’re feeling but don’t add that extra pressure just yet.

My granddaughter is 18 months now and we’ve not had her for sleepover yet but they are only few miles away. We are very lucky in that my husband now works from home so he childminds her one day a week and probably every other weekend we see them all. It will get better and I know what you mean about the instant love you feel for them.

I am also very lucky as my daughter then had my second granddaughter last September, now I know it from the other side (maternal grandma) and I can tell you it’s completely different dynamics, she needs me for advice etc which is lovely and we’ve never been closer.

It will get better give them time, maybe FaceTime every couple of days so you can see baby too.

Congratulations.....on the birth of your grandson.
I could say you are extremely fortunate. Many have not been blessed with children let alone grandchildren. However, you wouldn’t want to hear that.
Instead I would say keep offering, keep paying attention but manage your expectations. It is our expectations of how others will behave which causes us grief.
How friendly have you been with the other grandparents? How good was the relationship between you and your dil. These were the foundations.
I wish you the best of luck.....

Agree with all posts here. Let them settle in with their new baby. Please don’t text every day - let them come to you - they surely will. Your DIL will naturally look to her own mum first - it happens - we just have to adjust to that. Keep yourself busy - and please don’t get stewed up over the other grandparents- it is quite natural and right that the new mum will turn to her own mum. Your turn will come - be patient and understand - think of the needs of the new family first and of yourself and your needs second.

I wonder how much your MIL was involved with your children in the very early days?
Its not strange that your DIL wants her mum as a preference and if you are messaging every day that's verging on pestering unless they are closed messages which I don't think they are if you are expecting an answer. I'm just a grandmother for the 10th time and the amount of involvement has varied greatly.
Be patient, let the parents get used to their new baby and try to enjoy being a grandmother instead of fretting.

Just a thought- maybe DiLs find breastfeeding embarrassing in front of the in-laws? I remember when we took our firstborn to visit my in-laws they said, "We've turned the heater on in the bedroom in case you need to feed her". They were trying to be kind and helpful but from then on I felt awkward feeding her when they visited and felt I had to go upstairs. I really struggled with breastfeeding, giving up at 6 weeks when she failed to gain weight. I didn't feel the same way with my own Mum as it seemed more normal for her.

Exactly Jill !
I love the fact that, in our case, both sets of Grandparents respect each other. We all bring different things to the table as it were , which can only be enriching surely.
As you say, we all love her to bits !

I am a maternal grandmother. But I feel exactly the same my SIL mother takes over. I worked and she doesn't, I felt so pushed out. Now I am retired and I see my daughter weekly. The other grandma and I are getting on better now as well. I would take a step back. Make sure you are friendly to her Mum even invite her out for coffee. It really helps.

Give yourself a big hug, smother his picture with kisses and back off. Three weeks is nothing! Can you recall how it felt to be a new mum? Who did you want near? It is a long road, being a grandparent. Love them all and see what happens. Good luck!

This happened to me but the other way around. My SIL's mother and/or his sister were at the house every day. I didn't feel I could go or was needed as one, the other or both were always there. Even now (years later) they visit every Saturday regardless and on the odd occasion I've been there at the same time they've made me feel very uncomfortable. I don't like the way they treat my DD but she says she tolerates it just to keep the peace. They think the sun shines out of SIL's backside and really only go to see him and the grandchildren. SIL says they've always been like that with him (he's the only boy) and worries it would hurt them if he said anything. He offered to when it first started but DD told him not to bother as she didn't want to cause any upset in his family. Now it's just become the norm.

A beautiful new grqndson- how wonderful! I agree with all the above posts apart from thinking paternal grandparents are always sidelined. My DIL is European & so her own mother is far away and I feel Im playing a vital role as the UK granny, we also get on very well. My own DD & I are very close and she is also married to a European, although both families live over 3 hours away. I find the paternal grandparents often see more of the family than I do, even though they also live in Europe. It’s not the amount of time you spend with your DGC but very much the quality, as Ive often been told on this forum, and its so true. Your little GS will love you to the moon and back Im sure. Congratulations!

It happens with maternal grandmothers too. And we’re never invited up but do hace gd 2 afternoons a week. I miss my daughter our friendship and also realise that she has her own family now. But it’s hard.....

Please don’t be upset the other replies says less contact and I think good advice, it is early days. I do however agree that the mothers parents get the most time and their opinions are listened too. I adore my grandson and have a fantastic relationship with him but a lot of not making any comment and only advice if I am sure it’s asked for, and much bitting my tongue in the early days, my grandson loves me and I provide the contrast to the other granny. It works because we all love him to bits

Yes, I am afraid that this is the case with paternal grandparents . They are probably far too busy to reply to messages which may just get overlooked . I am a paternal Grandma to two and while I adore my dil like a daughter it is her mother who gets the lion's share . I am afraid that you jst have to accept that. I have reluctantly . It is just the way it. It is just the way it is. It was ever thus. Don't let it upset you. it is the order of things. Just enjoy your gs and don't whatever you do, let any resentment show as time goes on.

Nannyto, I can sympathize with you, my dear gs is now 21 and I have never been allowed to do anything for him, yet dil family could take him anywhere when he was a young boy

My grandchildren are 17 and 15 and I still feel left out - my daughter rarely visited and I was rarely asked to baby sit whilst they went to Grandmas and stayed over night. I still rarely see them and my daughter does not really talk to me about them and recently there have been some issues that I really think I could have given impartial advice o. My son however with his little devil - he often calls me and video calls as he lives a fair way away

First of all congratulations, all grandparents feel an overwhelming love for their grandchildren which takes you by surprise!
3 weeks its all new to them, l would knock the messages every day on the head and give them time and space.Its natural your dear dil will want her mothers support and help.
Just give them room to adjust and offer if help is needed you have a whole lifetime to bond with your grandson, enjoy the best is yet to come.

Been there for the last year . Take a step back . And just be there when needed. Not easy at all I was exactly the same . Have to go through my son now . He is I year old month and I’ve seen him about 6-8 times in that year . And he is adorable. Can’t tell you how sad it’s been missing his little milestones in that year .

What help have you offered?

Don’t think about what you’d like to do ie babysit! Think about what the parents would like.

Be supportive kind and unjudgemental and not pushy. And all will work out. If you’re not - you’ll set the tone

To answer your question OP, yes maybe a wee bit of an overreaction. But you can’t help how you feel, it’s totally natural to want to spend loads of time with them. What you can do though, is be conscious of your behaviour. It’s still early days as your wise DH has pointed out and you have a lifetime of memories to be made with your extended family.
Give them time to adjust and as others have said, don’t make it into a competition.

The frequency with which you saw them pre-baby might give you a bit of insight into what to expect now post baby?

Congratulations on becoming a grandparent!

Many congratulations.
Your post is similar to so many from new paternal grandparents.
I have two sons and no daughter. My advice panic not. I know you love your new little boy. I adore all mine but this is such early days. It is much easier for a mum to have her own mum to help. I know it hurts but most women are closer to their own mums. I liked my MIl very much but we had never lived together and I found it easier to have my mum around because we were used to each other’s ways.
They are probably trying to work out a routine and just because you feel a bit left out at the moment doesn’t mean it will carry on like this. It is such early days.
Your son and DIL sound a lovely couple. Don’t spoil things by being too pushy. It will be fine. I know it’s sooo hard not to be jealous of the other grandparents but it will be ok just bide your time. We have a wonderful relationship with both our DILs and all our DGC. Just give them time to recover a bit.

As paternal grandparents to our sons’ children I can tell you that we ‘played it safe’ when the little ones were newborns. We visited (with the maternal grandparents) the hospital straight after the birth, we sent gifts for the baby and ready meals for the parents, accepted offers to visit and made occasional calls to check everything was okay, but otherwise we stepped back and waited........until one of our sons called us and said he and his wife had expected, and hoped, that we would be much more involved. Since then we’ve been every bit as much a part of the little one’s life as the maternal grandparents have been.

Our other grandson is co-parented and so we’ve been very much ‘hands on’ since he was weaned. His mother’s family lives abroad so she’s always been very grateful for our involvement.

There will come a time when everything levels out and you find your place in the lives of your children and grandchildren Nannyto. In the meantime I’d ditch the daily calls for a weekly one and send a once-a-week text saying you’re around to help if needed.

Congratulations on becoming a granny!