Age 16, and can't be asked!

Awww its hard when they withdraw but like everyone says its just normal behaviour. Mine aren`t that age yet but I think I would just accept it. She knows you love her and where you are when she needs you.

In our experience once DGC get into their teens they don't really want to see much of grandparents.
My son brings them around when they have nothing much planned but there is football, parties etc to work round (theirs not ours!!) so it is not as much as we used to see them.
I just accept it & make the most of seeing them when we can.
I know they love us & they know we love them. I don't think I saw much of my DGPs when I was in my teens either. It's just the way it is & perfectly natural.

Been through similar myself and its hard at first. But as everyone else has said so wisely its best to bite your tongue and just give them space. I’ve always drilled into my own kids that they should live their own lives and never fall into the “ duty” visits and phone calls. Christmas, Easter etc do as they wish, come, or not if they have a better offer, and we will catch up when we can. No offence taken. The door is always open for them and now for GC too. And come they do. And we know its because they choose to.

I was in tears (of happiness) yesterday when my 20 year old grandson knocked on the door, holding two blankets, and asking to come in to the garden for a catch-up.

He wrapped me in one blanket and himself in another, and talked non-stop for 2 hours about his life since leaving school. He lives 10 minutes away and I haven't seen him for nearly 4 years! I was so happy. The grumpy years are over and my previously loving grandson is back.

It will happen, but in its own time.

Sending comforting hugs

My son and daughter in law have both said that they will not be having their COVID vaccination. They don’t seem to have any real reason except that they are young and have no underlying conditions and the fact that you can still get it and transmit it. I am really disappointed with their decision and don’t feel that I want to meet them indoors in the future. Unfortunately that means I won’t see my grand daughter who is 9 either but if that’s the way it has to be then so be it

Just let her make her own way and choices. I doubt it is personal. She is just being a normal teenager...

Don’t put pressure on her or her Dad to turn up particularly at the moment and at that age. They’re already having to handle so many expectations and a rigid school routine it can get a bit overwhelming at 16. Much better to be a happy presence in the background with no pressure and no guilt trips that she will want to return to when she’s in the mood.
I remember once seeing my in-laws with my husband but without the children who were busy elsewhere and my MIL said how lovely it was to have us all to herself for once without the children. Just enjoy whoever comes to see you out of choice and they’ll all want to return.

I think it is probably called 'independence'. very heartbreaking for you but, as with our children, we also have to let our GC fly the nest as well and at 16, I am surprised she hasn't gone earlier. What about arranging 'just you and her time' - lunch, shopping, treats etc - not regularly or set in concrete but 2/3 times a month maybe. She might like the independence of having you all to herself .

GinJeannie. Please tread very carefully. I wonder whether you concentrate too much on her when she is with you, questioning her about her activities etc. My mother and father in law did this with my elder son. Having told them he was dyslexic, FiL would fire spellings and tables at him. It was horrendous. By 14 my son refused to go, I didn’t blame him at all. I just told them he had too much homework. They had traumatised him so much he never did want to spend any time with them.

Ginjeannie. I'm going through something similar. I have 2 teenage grandaughters. Who live 5 mins away. The 16yr old. Comes visits on the odd occasion. Whereas before Covid,she was always coming down. Think it's an age thing. Plus being at home not seeing friends. I was upset at first. But don't worry so much now. I text a couple of times a week, just asking how she is. Etc.

It's about balance really. I think it is incumbent on a parent to reiterate the importance of family relationships in a way that doesn't guilt trip a young person. I have always asked my children to make a little time for their Grandparents but it might not be a visit, just as text or a phone call. The only way young people learn about these things is by their parents teaching them.
I know many of my son's friends parents have absolutely insisted that their offspring should be present at family visits, meals, etc. Whilst it was tedious for them at the time, it is interesting to see that they are very accepting of it now they are older and can see the value of it. We've used a lighter approach and I'm not sure now that we shouldn't have been a little heavier handed. My sister's children were never made to so much as text. They are completely absent from their wider family and I do think that is a little sad.

16 is a busy time. It doesn’t mean that DGD’s feelings have chaned, just that this is the next phase in her life. Far better (although terribly hard) to accept that she will see you when she wants to. And better than the emotional pressure of feeling she has to see you, because that could grow in to resentment. I do think, however, she could be gently reminded that it is only right and proper to let you know - if only to save a meal being wasted.

I totally agree with all the above. However, maybe if you asked her I’d she would like to come for a lovely roast and then do her own thing when she’d eaten. I have a fifteen year old granddaughter and that is what I would say. No pressure, eat and go, or not at all, if really wouldn’t bother me after the year they’ve had. I know she loves me!

I think you should try to look at this from a more positive angle instead of being hurt.

Your granddaughter obviously feels so secure in her relationship to you that she feels she can say no thank you to a standing invitation.

Friday night is not the best time to invite a 16 year old, you know. It is a time for going out with your friends when you are a teenager.

Give the girl space to grow up a bit and to enjoy her new found freedom.

If you make a fuss now, you will lose her. And her dad is too wise to insist she visits you when she has other fish to fry.

Wait a while, then phone the girl and say you would love to see her, but that it has dawned on you that she will be seeing her own friends at the weekends, so when would she like to come?

Surely, fish and chips can be eaten on a Tuesday or Wednesday, just as well as on Friday?

Sorry you’re feeling like a redundant gran .

In my opinion you have to let them go so they can come back. If they want.

She has more important things to do being the young adult that she is, sorry if this feels like a rejection.

For what it’s worth I’m going through similar myself.

Don’t guilt trip her into coming, duty visits will just cause resentment.

Hang in the things will get better.

Am I over reacting to think that he could have emphasised to her that her grandparents would be so disappointed if she didn't come with him?

Maybe he did and she still chose not to come?
I was, like Nansnet, often “persuaded” to go to things as a teenager. I would not inflict it on my own teenagers.

Please be reassured they all come round in the end if the bond is there. It may just take a few years as others have said.

You did get to see your ex-son-in-law which is surely a bonus!

MerylStreep

I think I’d more concerned if my 16 yr old granddaughter preferred her grandparents company to her friends ?

Totally agree.

GinJeannie, "not a nice feeling". Tell me about it!

I do agree teenagers , and not only teenagers, need advice and guidance from others whose opinions they respect. It is always nice to see a young person who behaves like a responsible adult. Your grandchild would have benefitted from gentle advice, even if she did not comply.

I remember when I was around the same age, my dad had words with me, about me not visiting my grandparents, and he guilt tripped me by saying how much they missed seeing me, and that they were always asking about me. I was just happy, and busy, spending time with my friends/boyfriend. It didn't mean that I'd forgotten about them, and I still loved them very much. I didn't do the same to my own children, because I remembered how I'd felt all those years ago, and it didn't make them love their grandparents any less either, they were always very close, even when they weren't always present.

They would be a bit abnormal at that age if they wanted to spend a lot of time with grandparents. Did you ? I certainly didn’t. They are forging their future lives, dealing with friends, thinking of their future careers etc. Even parents are low on the pecking order then.

The life of
Do you really want a visit of a annoyed teenager who doesnt want to be there? Who is there in person but not in spirit?

She is 16 and exercising her right to independence.

It is not personal, she is not doing it to hurt you. She is choosing how to spend her time and you were not her first pick

Did you mean ‘can’t be arsed’ rather than asked GinJeannie?
If so, yes it can be typical 16 year old behaviour.
Not that every 16 year old does it of course, but that many do.
Don’t push it or worry about it, I think most grow out of it in time and become affectionate to grandparents as they get older.Our own 16 year old GS ( who until 15 would have lived here if he could) now rarely wants to be here for more than an hour and sometimes not at all?they have other stuff to do.

I think I’d more concerned if my 16 yr old granddaughter preferred her grandparents company to her friends ?

Normal 16 year old behaviour, emphasised by the events of the last year. I used to be dragged, reluctantly to see my granny at a similar age.

Yes I m afraid you are over reacting, just take it easy and don’t take it personally, birds are meant to fly out of their nests and 16 years olds don’t want to be with grannies that much
I always leave any invitations completely open so it would be
‘ I m cooking on Sunday if you re not doing anything pop in but if you’ve got other plans I totally understand’
Come on think back if you got an invite from a granny or a best friend or ‘shock horror’ a boy which invite would you have taken
Have much less expectations or you will be disappointed
She may return to being a grannies girl or she may move on, either is right