Moving nearer children/grandchildr en

My son and his wife and two little boys live over 3 hours away. We’re 65 and wondering what to do- I still live in my very large childhood home and am finding it hard to leave. We’ve just sited our caravan 20 miles away so we can go for 2 or 3 weeks at a time and not be living with them, they have very busy jobs and social lives and don’t require childcare as they have a full time nanny. In some ways I would like to be needed for childcare.

We rented out our home in the Scottish North Isles and moved to Devon for 3 years to help with a grandbaby. We struggled with the heat and, although DD's house was spacious, tensions were often high. (DD has a very stressful job and I had an undiagnosed serious heart condition at the time). We returned home 5 years ago and now find ourselves in the fortunate position of living in a very low Covid area - we remain in 'tier 3 - where DS has joined us and we hope DD may come with her family too IDC....

SylviaP - love Yewbarrow ! We are still making it up mountains but I am aware my hips are on their way out ??. I’ve stopped gardening (digging anyway) to preserve what is left - but have succeeded in tearing ligament in my wrist from overenthusiastic hand weeding ! I know it can go quickly - mum went from climbing mountains to two hip replacements in what seemed like weeks, dad then got cancer and died 3 months later . What will I regret ?

Nanola- that must have been so hard! I’d love to live in the Highland and we had always thought to move there one day ..... where were you? Impractical now for us to follow that dream. I

I would absolutely say please, move if you remotely get on with your children, for the reasons that I have already stated. It appears as though I didn’t love my six old folks but I did. it was just so frustrating when they couldn’t see that making no preparation for their old age, wasn’t my problem.
I lived with my Father for three weeks, in order to move him. As he was partially sighted, I sat with him going through papers. I found that he had loaned next door a £1000. It was never paid back. My Father thought he was as sharp as a pin...but they cheated him,
The conversation between us went like this for three weeks.
Me. “Dad, this is a electricity bill from 1953 , do you want to keep it ?
My Father. “ No, I don’t know why I kept it”

My MIL was brought up in a hall with servants and I swear that her much smaller house, had all the huge furniture from the hall stuffed into it. None of my children wanted boxes of monogrammed silvers spoons, Grandfather clocks, huge tables, massive bedroom sets in dark wood. Etc. They shop in Loaf and The White Company etc. They have no interest in “ old” stuff.
The Land mark Trust bought some of it.
Also, you have no idea when the problems of old age will hit. We seem to have gone, in 5 second, from a couple who coukd climb Yewbarrow easily, to hobbling about. Be warned!

We have been humming and ahhing for years but this is it. We are going to make the move!

Five years ago my DH and I found somewhere small to live near our daughter so we could help with childcare. We didn't give up our old home and have done alot of travelling between the two places. We hoped that the way forward would become clear after a while and we'd decide where we wanted to settle for the final stage of our lives, but so far that hasn't happened. Our grandsons are both at school now so we are only needed in the holidays (and in lockdown of course). Don't know how long it will take us to make up our minds.

People move so regularly now, often for work reasons. It would be such an upheaval to move nearer to family - who then moved away later.

A three hour trip in a campervan doesn't sound too difficult, especially for those used to travelling. It means that a stay over is perfectly possible, so there's no need for a round trip.

I agree with Bluebelle, I've never understood threads on this theme. If you like your life where you are then don't move. Your children may not thank you for it for reasons not yet clear and you may find yourselves being 'guilt tripped' if you're away a lot when they might want grandparental child care.

Moving is always difficult but a good friend moved when she and her DH were in their 70s with no problem. It's all an attitude of mind

When we lived in Suffolk a lady moved to our village because her DD and family had also moved to Suffolk. After a few years the DD moved away and the lady sold up and moved too.

Another anecdote - an old friend with 3 children living in Suffolk needed the help of friends when she was suddenly taken ill. Her family of course were all out at work and she couldn't get hold of them.

Please don't underestimate the value of friends, especially when you're not so old!

As things stand with Covid 19 at the moment I think I would stay put. You love the area you are in and are settled there in such a beautiful place. Who is to say in these unsettled times that you could move nearer and still not be able to visit your family for the unseeable future. Can you at least wait until the UK is back to some sort of normality before making any decisions?

Elvis58 how funny we all are ! We’re already doing a lot of those things but from a distance! You are right that the longer visits are nice - but sometimes I’ve though shorter visits might be better ! We have made clear that regular childcare is not on the agenda ( we will be away too much) but at least we wouldn’t have a long journey to see each other . I do get your point though ?

About eighteen months ago we moved to be nearer our only daughter. Like you, it was a big decision - we had a lovely 17th century cottage that we had renovated over the years with a beautiful, but large cottage garden which we created. We're mid-sixties and recognised that actually it was time for a change - we had been at our last house for 25 years, encompassing our working lives. We sold in a fortnight and found a lovely but completely different house. Exchanged the period charm for a modern four bed detached with a private, small garden. Our house is actually larger than our cottage which I think has helped as we've more usable space. We exchanged one beautiful rural area for another, but we are in a village with pub, shop, post office and fish and chip shop and also on a bus route. Half an hour from a city and five minutes drive to a market town. We now look after four eighteen month old grandson and it's such a joy. Yes, there have been challenges of course, but it's the best thing we've ever done. I feel very fortunate to be near our family after so many years of being distant. I would honestly think very seriously about it, you've nothing to lose - family are definitely the most important thing.

SylviaP - exactly - I worked in adult social care and it always amazed me how little planning people had done for their old age! I know we all think we”ll stay fit forever and don’t want to think ourselves old but forward planning is not a bad thing !

Move now while the gc are still young - if you miss them growing up you might regret it - life is all about the people you share it with - Couldn't you buy another project to rennovate near the family - even a bungalow?

We had 6 old folks. My Mother and Father, my Step Mother and Father in Law and my Father and Mother in Law. We are down to my 96 year old FIL, the rest are dead.
We lived 250 miles away. Not one of them made any provision for their own age. They all lived in unsuitable houses, and never discussed finances until forced to. We spent years having full time jobs, children and au pairs to see to, plus driving to their houses, washing cooking, gardening and eventually taking over their paperwork. And ....latterly .listening patiently to their stories about people we had never met. It took months sorting out their houses full of belongings that no one wanted. My MIL was 94, Step Mother in Law and Father 96 etc etc. A lot of their money went in Care home fees, but it was their money. They would have been horrified how much.
So, we have moved nearer two of our three children. We moved while we could without help. We have also ruthlessly culled our belongings. I have no intention of doing to my children what has been done to us.
We are all going to die, but before then it’s more than likely we may have to rely on our children for help.
Please don’t be selfish and expect your children to clean up your financial and physical mess when you have gone, or when you become incapable.

A former colleague's elderly lone parent was taken ill. She was running herself ragged doing a 160 mile round trip every weekend and once a week after work (as well as caring for her own teenage children and working full-time). She had no siblings nearer.

We moved - just 80 miles - and are now near both children and grandchildren. In lockdown it is easy to see them, or some of them, for garden visits, drop things off, walk in the area.
But we moved for several reasons, not just to be near family. We made careful choices, future proofing our life, good transport, nearby shops, doctor etc., level access ( our drive was very steep before ), downstairs shower room if we need it.
It did mean that GC no longer came to stay for a few days, which I missed, but as they are now teenagers and with busy lives they probably wouldn't have wanted to now.
WE moved when we were in our mid sixties and DH said "Never again" as it was a huge upheaval to cope with physically and I would not want to do it again. For me, it was a case of coming back to my roots, not far from where I grew up.
If my daughter ever moves away, as she probably will once the children have left school, I would only follow her once I am on my own, and if she wanted me to and was willing to support me in old age.
I hope you are able to make the right decision for you when the time is right.

Funny how we are all different we moved away because they were to close and we were too handy we never had time for ourselves, constantly baby sitting, helping out and financially availiable.
Now we see them for quality time and enjoyment when they come to stay.l cannot tell you how many friends have said they wished they could move away to have a retirement, its more common than you think.So much better! But each to their own just be warned visiting and being on hand 24/7 is not all its cracked up to be.

Thanks so much to everyone who has contributed here - such a wide range of experiences and opinions, as expected, but all heartfelt and kind. Lots of great ideas and suggestions, plenty of realism and many words of good hope ! Covid has put paid to any immediate
decisions and we will just be glad to get through it all with family unscathed ! Meanwhile we will get on with jobs that need doing, tend the garden and keep on top of the de-cluttering ! Having moved from the ‘family’ home 12 years ago we got rid of a lot of stuff but it’s all crept in again not least because I have had all my mother’s possessions to deal with plus what seems like thousands of my dad’s slides etc etc - they were only in a bungalow for the last 20 years of their life so I have no idea why there was so much ....... I have to say that doing a 3 hour twice weekly round trip to help care for her was both joyful and stressful - I would spare my daughters that but it may not happen for 30 years (mum was 94). I am definitely going to follow them to New Zealand if they go though ??

Anneeba I could have written your post. I hope that your move is as successful for you as ours was for us. Good luck.

We’re the other way round. DH desperately wants to move away but I want to stay near family and friends. We’re early 70s

We moved 7 years ago in our 70s. We had a beautiful detached house with a lovely secluded garden. Two great daughters, one in the north and one in the south. Both happily married with two children each. Hard to choose but as we lived north it was the obvious choice to move further north as it meant I could still see my friends. However, what we didn’t bargain for was the exorbitant house prices! We ended up buying an apartment with a balcony in a conservation area with a view. BUT we miss our old garden SO much. There is nothing like being able to step off your own door step onto a patio for a coffee or glass of wine! We are happy enough now but it took a long time to adjust. The bonus is being able to see one family within walking distance but have to travel by train to see the others. Good luck, whatever you decide to do. Xx

I’d suggest you move before you reach your 70s! We moved when in early 70s and it was the craziest thing we ever did! We have (sort of) settled now, (3 years on), my DH more so than me. We are nearer to our DCs and DGC but we don’t see that much more of them overall- just less travelling. Good luck with your decision

We're doing it! Both DDs live down south in same little town. Heartbreaking to leave beautiful family home on river bank, but it is not just us wanting to see them. We want to spare them the anxiety of our old age, charging up and down the A1 if we have a fall, are ill, get dementia etc. This move has been really sapping, packing up after 35 years in the same house is an enormous task, thank god the girls won't be having to do it for us had we stayed here. New house not nearly as beautiful, but will be ok, being helpful with GCs will mitigate any calls we may make later, though not wanting to be clingy at all. Girls both desperate for our support at the moment and nothing, no views, no friends who will hopefully still visit us, nothing at all is as precious as our time with our very small grandchildren. Wish us luck and good luck too to the OP