My ex DIL is arranging boyfriends to pick up GC from day care

If your son isn't able to pick the child up and the mother is working ...what would you suggest happens? Surely a boyfriend the child knows is a decent option?
If your son only sees the child twice a week do you think the mother must be available the other 5 days ?
My son and his partner split when their child was just over a year old ....he worked ,she worked .They made a rota of people who could collect the wee one .As I'm self employed I featured on it A LOT ...because I can juggle most things to suit .However there were days I couldn't make it the 15 miles there in time and other granny stepped in ..or ex;s boyfriend.He was the reason for the split
.The CHILD has to come first and unless your son can make himself available to be more hands on then he has to accept the mother will need other support .
Our wee one stayed half the week with each parent and while Dad worked I looked after her .She has only recently lived that half week with her father and his new partner but still thinks of this as home and has a room here ....as well as one at other granny's ,one at mums and one at dads .Its all very complicated some times
.Worth it though if you can figure it out for your GC,ours is a joy and a happier child would be hard to find .Dont make the child a bargaining tool ,just love him an do your best .That means you never criticise his mum in his hearing ,Hope it works out for you

A parent or parents can nominate anyone they deem suitable to collect their child from nursery/school as long as the setting is informed beforehand. It could be a friend or neighbour or another parent may take them home with them. You son may not know them either. Your son also may have a girlfriend whom he asks to do things with his child at some time in the future. Would he expect the mother of his child to object to her?

Separations and divorces usually do get very messy, sadly. You say your DIL is trouble but this is the woman your son chose to marry and have a child with so he has to also take some responsibility for his past bad judgement of her character, if what you say is true. Both you and him need to keep on as good terms as possible with her and anyone else in her life so the child does not become aware of any aggravation, I'm afraid. That's how it is now.

readymeals there is no step father she has a new boyfriend of 6 months quite different to a step father

annali you have my total empathy it would have killed me I was lucky in a way that mine buggered went off to another country after not bothering to turn up for the custody hearing so although they didn’t have a father figure (my dad took on a lot of that role) they didn’t have the to-ing and fro- ing and worry of new introductions
I can only repeat what others have said support your son and keep up your care and interest in your grandchild and say a big prayer that he is a decent chap and be prepared it may be a different one in 6 months time with a half brother or sister around
Being factual is good bibbity a little compassion makes a good balance There are ways to say things
I think it’s a very good idea to have a check done on any boyfriends that are going to be in the child’s world and the same would apply if the daughter in law was concerned about any new partner you son may have and if she feels there are any concerns
If they can avoid confrontation and nastiness that is by far the best way forward and yes mediation can be very helpful
Good luck

Does your dil see your son as the reason they separated? If she has this in her head...ie he had an affair for example she will do her utmost to 'punish' and exclude your son now. I hate it when one partner, usually the mother, starts referring to the child as HER child....they will always be their child! Can your son apply for joint custody so he will have 50/50 share of access to the child? It's a nightmare scenario and one which may well rage on for many years. Say as little as possible so as to be seen as impartial and I hope to goodness that things resolve themselves without too much more upset.

Bibby

I take it your NOT a grandmother because your response is very defensive & not really helpful

How are they not helpful? Is it because they don’t feed into the narrative of the echo chamber?
I have clearly stated what his rights are and are not.
Sending a solicitors letter that holds zero weight can be seen as inflammatory and will not help the relationship at all.

Is being a grandparent necessary to participate in this conversation? No. Therefore it has no bearing on my answers.
The Op wants to know how to help him. To do that it would be helpful to know what actual resources and laws he has.

Nannan2

Hasn't this been discussed previously on here? Someone's always at their 'wits end' with something on this site. Usually over something that can just be solved with some common sense.?Unless you know something about this 'other man',which could endanger the child, then you must leave it up to both child's parents I'm afraid.Neither will thank you for interfering.

That's not coming across as being very kind. People are often at their wits end that's one of the good things about supportive chat groups like this - supposedly. It's not compulsory to read or reply.

Bibby
Well it is called GRANSNET for a reason the clues in the name!! 'Echo chamber' ' Narrative " oh good god

Bibbity has been completely sensible in her advice, telling people what they want to hear is not actually being kind.

Stay neutral, if possible maintaining good relationships with all. You could be a good go-between and a good example to gc and maintain at least a semblance of a together family in the eyes of the child. Part of it needs to be trusting the dil, difficult though that might be.

Also want to pipe up to say that the advice from Bibbity has been sound, factual advice.
The child’s mother has every right to make decisions about who meets/cares for/interacts with the child on her time - as does the father on his. Is this morally what people expect? Probably not, but unless there is tangible evidence of the child being exposed to someone dangerous then each parent is expected to trust the other to properly care for the child when they have them.

People are very trusting, is all I can say.

Not trusting at all, just pointing out what can legally be done in this situation.

Annali, in my working life I came across a lot of MILs who (understandably) believed everything their sons told them. A couple of these women facilitated unsupervised contact between their GS and GC when it shouldn't have happened, resulting in them no longer able to see their GC. I'm not for one minute suggesting that you are in that category but please be aware that there may be things you don't know.

If you and your DS genuinely feel your DIL is endangering your GS and is so horrendous, you should refer to Social Services. Before doing that however, I'd ask yourself why your DS felt confident with her parenting skills during their marriage and left his adored son in her care when the relationship ended. This may sound harsh but is coming from my professional and some personal experience. I hope that emotions calm down and that you and your son can have a lovely relationship with your GC.

galaxy up to a point I agree I don’t do the ‘there there you poor darling it ll all be fine‘ but there are ways of delivering instructions with a little kindness and thought, I find Bibbitys posts informative, probably accurate but as hard as nailsdelivered with a Miss Trunchbull bullet
‘The sun will make you take your coat off quicker than a harsh wind’ that’s my thought for the day ?

Exactly.

People are very trusting, is all I can say

The reason so many adults need counselling for childhood abuse

Yep.

But what are you suggesting should be done here?

I would suggest the mum gets to know men before elevating them to stepfather role, but that isn't happening, clearly.

So, I'd be worried, too.

I've no idea what the answer is, but it's not to be dismissive of the op's concerns.

I still maintain that a solicitors/lawyers letter will do no harm as a reminder that decisions should be made together.
Also the Mother had been with the boyfriend s very short time, what if the relationship breaks down and another boyfriend comes on the scene? The OP son has a right to be concerned.
I have also been the parent of a son and I also got divorced. My ex was in a relationship, now married, alot longer before my son was introduced to her.

But we dont know she has elevated him to stepfather status do we? He is picking him up from school, working parents make lots of arrangements to pick children up.

No, that's true. Fair comment.

I wouldn't allow a virtual stranger access to my child that quickly.

Is that better? I would be concerned.

Bluebelle, not that different really nowadays. Lines are very blurred. If the real father antagonises the boyfriend, the boyfriend might start influencing the mother to make things more difficult for the real father. IMHO it's important for the real father to at least pretend to respect the boyfriend, while keeping alert to any alteration in the child's demeanour when he does spend time with him.

* as a reminder that decisions should be made together*

They CAN be made together. But she doesn’t have to.
I’m trying to remember that serenity quote about things we can not change.
He can not throw his weight around with a letter when the law isn’t on his side.