Imminent grandma feeling apprehensive

The best support you can give is to be there and encourage your daughter to do things as she wants. Ideas about parenting have changed a lot since we had our children. I have 3 grandchildren with number 4 due at the end of July. Each family has their own ideas about parenting so I have been to follow the parents wishes. I am sure you will enjoy being a grandmother. When my first GC arrived I was certain I had forgotten all over know about babies. Luckily I was able to help with practical things around the house, washing, shopping, preparing meals etc and a few cuddles with the baby. Gradually I re-learnt how to change a nappy, comfort a crying baby etc. So relax and enjoy. You will be a great support to your daughter by just being there

What nobody tells you is that you love your grandchildren as much as if you had given birth to them. You will be surprised how you may well feel more maternal with this child than you did your own. I did and it was completely unexpected.

Newbiegran - there’s no such time as being ‘ready to be a gran’ - you will just fall into this role when it happens - there is no point in worrying about the future because you have no control over it but you can think logically and recall your own life as a mum with a baby - the changes it brought to your life, the tiredness you felt, the hormonal changes and possible emotional ups and downs - these are the things your daughter will need help with and she wants you not her mum-in-law because showing her vulnerability may be so’s etching she’s only prepared to do with her nearest and dearest - put to one side your lack of maternal feelings for your new unborn grandchild - your love for this baby will come naturally but for the moment it is your daughter you are being asked to support and you’ll be just great at that and your daughter knows this which is why she’s reaching out to you - enjoy.

I'm not maternal, but love my own. When my daughter in law and son told me she was pregnant 15 years ago now my thought was 'that's nice'. Did all the right things buying things for the baby etc. Then he was born...wow as soon as l saw him l fell in love....another 8 grandchildren now....love them like l love my own xx

Spot on, wildswan16. Also I think you will find that the smell of a lovely clean newborn is absolutely wonderful - a natural bonding device! You’ll be just fine.

It's fine to just be yourself, and feel how you feel.

Not all grandparents are the same, and there are some who just really like their grandchilren.

You're right when you say you're not maternal - that comes through loud and clear! You say you love your daughter but if it were me there would be no hesitation ... I'd jump in my car or on the train and be there in a shot (if that's what my daughter wanted, of course!!).

I expect you have not seen your daughter for some time due to lockdown so the tone of your message really surprises me! Wild horses wouldn't stop a loving mother wanting to be their to help at the birth of their first grandchild.

Don't worry about not bonding with the baby - as someone else has already said - you are there to support your daughter.

Stop thinking about your self for one moment and start thinking about your daughter! I am surprised this is even an issue for you!!

Everyone is different.
No need for judgemental comments.

It took me a long time to bond with my grandson because our daughter in law pushed us out. But I absolutely adore him now. I love babies and children. Just give it time. This baby will work it's way into your heart soon enough. If you have brought up children with out kiĺling them it will all be natural. Just prepare yourself to be told everything has changed now. Nothing I knew was considered normal even though it was common sense. Of course it's normal to allow your child to sleep in bed with you even though hes over two. I hear you all shrieking about that. I dont agree but I know nothing apparently. You have to learn to zip it.

I'm still in the process of bonding with mine. 17 years, so far.

Just being there to support her will help her. Do all the other things like the washing, housework, shopping etc that will all still need doing. You might be very surprised - but as a grandmother you certainly see your grandchild a different way. You are not the one that is fully responsible for the baby you are there for support - go and enjoy being with your daughter and new grandchild - you might really enjoy it.

My daughter will tell you that I am not maternal (was told for long enough that I couldn’t have children, until I got a new specialist). But when my granddaughter was born I would have moved heaven and earth for her. It was love at first sight. I’m still not the gooey eyed grandma but love them to bits. You may be surprised.

Hi newbiegran I completely understand and can say that I WAS a disappointment to both my daughters when they had their babes. I just didn't 'get it' really. But they've more or less forgiven me A few years on and they involve me hugely in the babes' lives thank goodness.

I'd say my essential concern is for my daughters, though truly the little ones do delight me and I now love them with all my heart.

Maybe look at it that you are going more to "keep house" for them, you know how to do that! They can concentrate on the baby then.
As others have said: cleaning, laundry, cooking.
I even did a couple of hours gardening as the weeds in the front had got out of control which had been stressing my daughter.

I did the late evening feed once so they could both go to bed early as they were exhausted. Baby fed fine and settled to sleep in their room.
I however hardly slept a wink, the responsibility was horrendous!

One (old fashioned?) tip they found helpful was to swaddle the baby when she went in the cot, they were very dubious but it really helped her settle.

Congratulations to you all x

We could have been separated at birth. I am not a maternal person. When I had my DD and DS I worked so hard and I found it hard to enjoy my children like it seemed everyone else did. When my GD was born 5 years ago I too had worries but for me it was a game changer. I had an overwhelming love the minute I saw her. I looked after her 3 days a week until she started school. I got to understand the magic when in normal times they shout out Nanny and run to you with open arms. She now has a brother of 10 months and I long to hold him and kiss him but can't at the moment. I hope it turns out the same for you but it came as a big shock for the maternal me to arrive. Prior to their arrival I hated it when asked my a well meaning relative to hold and coo coo over their babies. Just try not to worry and perhaps your experience will be the same as mine.

wonder what you mean, by not maternal?
I was and still am, not into little babies, but when my first grandchild was due to be born, we were 200 miles away, I was working, full time, good job, about the same age as you now,,
and I knew I wanted to be closer..
so I retired, earlier than I had planned, and we moved to be near out first gk...

wonderful, the first time I held him in my arms, little baby, we bonded,, amazing feeling

don`t be scared , go for it!

Don't feel pushed into pretending this new baby us the love of your life.
You are there for your daughter who you DO love. This is where to start. Take cues from her, help her and love her and she will love the baby, and your love will grow.

The fact that you say you don't know how to do things is a big big bonus. Too many of us on Gransnet are opinionated about how things should be done and of course that's a likely source of friction. You at least won't have that need to "button up" all the time! Great! You are one step ahead of many of us already.

If she does want advice you will be able to say, "well I did x but it might not be right anymore - what do you think?" - and as intelligent adult women I'm sure you will laugh together and muddle through.

In years to come I think you will look back on this time as a period of even closer bonding with your daughter. I wish you a fulfilling and joy filled experience and hope your daughter has a simple, happy, uncomplicated birth.

I was so into my career 30+ years ago I went back to work after 6 weeks for both my daughters. They’ve grown up into wonderful women (somehow) and I worried when my granddaughter was born 5 years ago, We saw her a few minutes old and I felt the same love as I have for my daughters, after a couple of months they moved nearby (From other end of country) and I’ve loved every minute of the last five years. See her most days, sleepovers, playing, trips out (before Covid) etc - I have all this time and energy I didn’t (or chose not to) have 30 years ago. It’s a fabulous blessing and I have no doubt you’ll adore every minute.

You could be describing me . I was rather put out when my daughter became pregnant. But as soon as my granddaughter arrived I was completely in love. It all came back to me and I adore this child in a way that I couldn’t with my own two . Grandmas get the absolute best bit .

You will be amazed at how much you feel for your GC. I was!
I now have 6 & adore them!!

My granddaughter a year old. Felt a little anxious a first but it’s like riding a bike.
Be prepared for the we don’t do it like that anymore. I only offer advice if asked.

I felt the same,loved my own but never knew how to deal with others babies. Do not worry. I adore my two GC. I don't know how it works but that bond is there. When you see your first GC you will be lost. It truly is a wonderful thing. Hope you enjoy being a grandmother. Congratulations.

You will be fine. you will look at that tiny face and feel an overwhelming love.
When my GS was born, my daughter wanted her sister with her - that was fine, they are close. He was tiny, I'd never held such a tiny baby, but I was in awe of him. I did worry when he was 2 days old we had the news he had Down Syndrome, he was n oxygen. After a few weeks he fought to get the oxygen tubes off his face and I knew he would be fine.

Newbiegran, maybe you are over-thinking? You don't have to be maternal or love tiny babies (I don't) or be an expert. Your daughter just wants you around.

I would have loved more company when my four were tiny. Somebody to chat to, make a cup of tea or just hold the baby while I went to the loo would have been wonderful. I relied on friends - as my mother actively disliked children!

Ps I also have an unwritten rule that I keep to myself - when I speak to my daughters I always think ‘would I say this/be so frank if they were my daughter-in-laws’ if the answers no I try very hard to zip it ? ?