Special trip. We're excluded even though we'd pay our own way.

Mebster, you have been through a lot in recent years - your GS' illness, the waning of your marriage, and your disappointments in your relationship w/ your DD and her family. Hugs!

Overall, you sound like a very warm and loving mum and GM. And I'm very impressed w/ the way you are able to take in the advice given here and begin to make some changes. understand how easily a GM could slip across parental boundaries when they've been so deeply involved in childcare. I know it will be hard to pull back, but, IMO, recognizing the need to do so is half the battle. I have confidence that you can do it.

Meanwhile, I hope DD and family share photos and videos of their trip w/ you and that you can find it in your heart to enjoy that. I also hope you enjoy the trip you have planned yourself w/ friends. Also, I see you have decided to stay w/ DH, so I hope your marriage improves. Perhaps it would help if the two of you go to Relate? Would you be willing? Would he?

Regardless, wishing you all the best! And hope you keep reaching out to us here at GN!

@Mebster

Do not be so hard on yourself. Leave that to GN. We only know all this because we have made these mistakes already.
Think of it like a Math lesson - you would not feel shame that you did not know the rules. Now you know the rules of GP's.
You put your feet up, and decide how you want things to be going forward.

mebster I admire your honesty and the fact you have taken on board everything said to you and are not only taking it on board but agree to an extent and going to try to do something about it It takes a special person to do all that
I hope the marriage improves and even if you don’t experience the love and cuddles you would want you can find peace and acceptance in what you have
I hope your grandson continues to improve and enjoys his vacation with his family don’t worry too much, children even ones that have been ill are incredibly resilient
Good luck mebster I think you sound a lovely lady

How old is too old? That’s a real shame about your husband, and I don’t see why should settle for that. We all need to be and feel loved. The alternative doesn’t have to be involving yourself so deeply in your grandchildren’s lives, it can be meeting new people, and having a life of your own whilst still doing these things. It sounds like you and your husband would remain good friends. Counselling may help of course, but you’re the best judge of that.

As for my marriage, I've decided to stay. We both love our grandsons and have a mutual group of friends. I have a cleaner coming in more often and plan to employ a lawn service. Frankly I just feel too old to start over, especially given our grandson's illness and our small community. My husband is good in emergencies and recently took me to the ER when my blood pressure spiked and I fainted. He helps when we entertain. He's not a monster, just not loving or interested in me or our home.

On the two trips paid for by charities. One is a local group of friends who organized specifically on GS's behalf, the other is the national Make a Wish.

Thanks for all your heartfelt responses. I am taking them to heart. I've planned a trip with friends in mid April and spent a fun day with my daughter last week while the kids were in school. I can see I've overstepped my bounds at times and I am truly grateful to have been included as much as I have been in grandson's daily life. Your support and comments have hurt a bit but you've clearly zeroed in on my need to broaden my circle and keep my criticisms to myself.

mebster I think dave is right in December you wrote that you were divorcing your husband after 33 years, 25 of which have been in a completely unloving and non touching marriage but here you talk of ‘we’ so I m thinking you must still be in this loveless marriage Surely this is where the whole of your problem lies you are putting all your love and needs onto this little boy
I truly feel for you because a lady with so much love to give and a sick little boy are so obviously the jig saw pieces that fit together but you have to take yourself away from this all doing gran You need to be you and I know you know that too and I know you are trying but like the slippery slope you keep reverting back to what is familiar and comfortable for you
We all need to be needed but you have to find another path (as well as your grandson) Let his parents enjoy being a family without their parents or anyone else coming along You ve been on one big holiday step aside for this one and find a way of giving them more space to grow as a family and much more important for you grandson to grow as an individual let him paddle in the sea and run walk or crawl on the beach let him fall over and learn to pick himself up you cannot protect him so much
You come across as a really nice person who knows her faults and don’t we ALL have them
Make some huge decisions Mebster and do it now before it’s too late
GOOD LUCK

I’m surprised that one family is being funded for two significant trips from cancer charities.

Plan a getaway for yourself and your husband.

@OutsideDave has picked up on a crucial point, I think.

If you look, there are previous posts from OP discussing the major long term lack of affection in her marriage. It seems you have allowed your grandchildren to fill the emotional void, and now are struggling when asked to be just grandma again. I’d strongly encourage some counseling for yourself to deal with the marital issues and see where you have tried to use your grandsons as emotional surrogates.

All good advice on here, too much unsolicited input from you is sadly driving your daughter away.
Sit back from it all a bit, and simply ask your daughter what she needs from you to help her, and stick with it.

Dear Mebster, I agree that there is plentiful good advice from other Gransnetters. What would I do? I would take the time to step back, allow the family the space that they deserve and, in due course, you will find some inner peace. You are a splendid grandmother. You have given so much of yourself. It's what grandparents do. Take time out to recharge your batteries. Wish them a happy holiday and look forward to hearing all about the Disney experience when the family return.

I would echo that it's time to take a step back. You have done a great job but time for you to get your own life back on track. I assume that all you have done is out of love, so it's really not a good idea to take stock and think 'after all I have done for you'. They are right to insist on their own rules and to want holidays by themselves. If you were more detached then perhaps things would not look so black and white. Hope your GS makes good progress.

"I took care of my gs (mom doesn't work)"

I also noticed the references to mom, notanan2

Op,

What did you mean "I took care of th know (doesn't work)"

Your dd said you are too critical. Whether you think her examples are valid or not, that is what she thinks.

You were not excluded. You had a role of a parent for a long time and now you are back to be grandma.

You were offered the trip in Xmas bit it wasn't convenient for you.

Step back. That family had been though a lot, let them have some core family time to learn to be a family again.

Make no more decisions for your gs. 0. Zilch. Nada. Zero. Cero.
Stop unsolicited advice right away.

Let them heal and you need to renegotiate your relationship with them - visits, frequency, etc.

Lots of excellent advice here, though it will take some time and practice to implement. All grandmothers I know say the same thing - "say nothing". Except to have a bit of a rant now and then to other grandparents - such as here . It's very hard, especially if you think you might have a helpful suggestion, or something useful to buy.

Screens are one of the trickiest areas - when my first GC was born, parents didn't want any around, and it was awkward when they visited at Christmas and other family members wanted to watch TV. A bit later we were given "permission" to put on Peppa Pig for a short time when babysitting. A year or so later, and tablets and phones are regularly by these same parents to occupy their children at times and there are major tantrums when removed - not by me - I leave that to parents!

Read all the posts here - there aren't too many so far - and try to take on board the good advice - particularly about taking a rest yourself.

OP youre even blaming the mum for things that arent her fault!

So they used to want to go to your house "up until recently"
Well we've all been there with our own children, god children, nieces, nephews etc. One minute theyre nosed pressed to the window waiting for you, running into your arms, thinking your house is the funnest place, to overnight being "do I have to go?" and seeing us as the boring grown ups we are.

This happens. Its nothing to do with the mums parenting. Or her screen rules. Or anything else she did wrong

Even screens. Tell her "you know maybe I get fixated on these things, and screens arent always wrong, youre right its about picking battles"

You might not initially believe it, but if you start consciously forcing yourself to tell her shes right not wrong (not in a passive aggressive way like "well I suppose you must be right" in a real way) then you might actually start to change how you see things.

And ultimately its the GS who wins if you can do it.

So wish her well. Tell her that she is right for a change: right to have a family holiday, right to keep it just immediate family this time.

If you start focusing on, and complementing/commenting on, what she does RIGHT, and only that for a while. you might be amazed in the change in you both!

I feel from your posts that there are always spikey references to you thinking the mum not doing enough with the child (or that what she does do with the child is wrong in your eyes) and then when the mum plans to spend some quality time with the child thats wrong to!

I feel like the mum cant win! Maybe thats why she isnt present at the hospital when you are!

I think the kindest thing you can do for you GC at this point is be kind to his mum. It matters to the child that his mum is okay and supported

Definitely agree with Bluebelle. You need rest yourselves. Remember, put your own mask on before helping others, you’ll be no use to them in the future if you’re shot to pieces. I send love to your grandson ❤️

They are the light of my life. I'm trying to find more activities that don't include them but it's hard as we still spend a lot of time taking DGS to therapy or in hospital when he needs to be there. I've tried to be as honest as possible. I do offer unsolicited advice at X and am trying to stop. It's difficult when I'm so much involved in daily care

I think you have the nub of the problem in your last sentences, OP.
Of course your GS’s illness has knocked you for six, it is any grandparent’s worst nightmare. And like the loving gran that you are, you stepped up to the plate to show your love by a massive investment of your time and care. I can’t remember why your D was unable to cope - was there a baby or a younger child? She may well be feeling now that having let you play such an important part in their lives, she has allowed herself to be pushed out a bit and is trying to get back to a nuclear family.
It may seem ungrateful and perhaps it is, but it is necessary. She has to be Mum, not you and unless you step back of your own accord you will be pushed back. Does this make sense?
Cut back on the hospital or therapy trips, find some activities that occupy you and say Sorry, I’m not free (while making it clear that in an emergency you would of course drop everything as we all would)
And don’t just try to stop unsolicited advice just stop.
Good luck.
.

May I humbly suggest you can experience laughter and joy without going to Florida.

I can well imagine the tamtrums round any attempt to limit screen time. It's a tricky one alright. Perhaps best to leave that to parents to solve.