No grandchildren

Rosie you might want to start a new thread as this was started in February. I would say that my daughter and husband have been in the same situation so I do understand. Luckily they have coped well and now have full and busy lives.
You are obviously upset, they are devastated, so be there if they want to talk, and if like mine they don’t, then be there anyway without asking questions. It’s very raw.

I stumbled onto this forum and realized that it's a wonderful place to get advice. I found in February that after 3 years of trying (we didn't know), my son and DIL have decided to give up on fertility treatments and will not be able to have the baby that they've so desperately wanted. Seeing their pain has been so heartbreaking and has left me with a feeling of sadness and emptiness. I'm generally a positive person, but I just cannot seem to come to terms with this as I always imagined that they would have the child they wanted so much. Any advice on how to learn to accept this situation?

I’m very sorry to hear this news. While I agree that you can always hope for the best (having grandkids when you least expect it), and preparing for the worst (not having grandkids at all), you must find something that can fill the void in the meantime. Have you considered volunteering at NICUs to cuddle premature babies or babies born to addicted mothers? I’m sure they are always looking for volunteers.

Had they not had children, no surrogate children of any kind could have filled the hole. We would just have had to rebuild our lives to a different pattern.
Don't agree with you MOnica. I have no grandchildren of my own and would dearly have liked some, but one child has a partner with two children, and I am an almost a step grandma, and it fills the gap.
At least I can extract my revenge for all the years of having to admire endless photographs and videos of My Grandchildren Doing Something Really Mundane. Surprising how uninterested they all are.

I feel for you mrsmopp, We've just found out that our son and his wife don't want children, and our daughter has been told that its highly unlikely that she will ever have children. I'm desperately sad as I have longed to be a grandmother. I work in a primary school so at least I have a little contact with young children. People in general can be so thoughtless when they find out you have no grandchildren. I wish people would think before they speak!

My first time on this page
My daughter and her husband are about to embark on there road to NHS ivf... She is very fragile at the moment... I am hoping I am being as surportive as I can... But very aware of what I say to her.. Any advice would be grateful from mums who are on this road with me or have been on it... Thank you Debbie

Never say never!
My youngest brother and his then partner always said they were not interested in having children - about 2 years after this announcement, they had twins.
My sister said she didn't want children - she had enough nieces and nephews to borrow - along came her millenium baby!
If you feel that you are missing out on spending time with children, there is an excellent charity called Schoolreaders that organises volunteers to visit primary schools to listen to children read. It's not in every county as yet, but they are spreading out from central England bit by bit.
If you google them, there is an online form to complete and they will contact you back with any information that you need.

I have two daughters . The eldest has twin girls aged 10 , they are my only grandchildren as younger daughters relationship broke up several years ago ( they were not married) and she has not found anyone else she is interested in. She is a fabulous auntie always has been, but she is mid thirties and I think she will probably never have children of her own now. I feel sorry for what she won’t have as she would have been a marvellous mother and she is very close to her nieces the one especially so. Sometimes life doesn’t happen how we want it and is often not fair .

Wise words*Eglantine 21*.
The other saying I find helpful is:
"Happiness isn't getting what we want,
Happiness is wanting what we get"

We all have a little vision of how life will be. Maybe not the closely planned, somewhat obsessive vision that some have, but a kind of universal expectation. Someone to love and grow old with, a home, children, being part of a continuing family. A successful, fulfilling career, travel, being active , whatever.

Then life happens and visions and expectations are just what they always were, something we conjured up in our own minds.

I have found that the way of peace is to let go of the hope and expectation and to live life as it is given to us. So I disagree with those posters who have tried to comfort by saying don’t give up hope.

I read once that hope is an anchor. It can hold you fast and give you stability in a storm but it can also be the thing that holds you back, keeps you tied to your longing and if you discard it you can be set free.

Enough philosophising ? mrsmopp, I wouldn’t wait for your sons to ask you. Just tell them you’re coming to London or wherever and you’d like to meet up. Just a meal. They’ll probably say yes, they just won’t think of it on their own. Because they are men.....

mrsmopp, look on the bright side.

There are no little kids to worry about, no terrible anxiety when they're poorly. You don't have to reluctantly babysit when you'd much rather be doing something else.

You can spend your own money with no guilt about depriving them. Your life is unhindered by fitting in with or anticipating their needs etc. etc. - be grateful for your freedom!

I was never very enthusiastic about having g,children, Wold have been more than happy if all my children had decided (as my son and his wife have) not to have children.
I so wanted my children and loved having them at all stages of their lives (even, most of the time during their teens!!!), was not keen to having anything come between them and me - as partners and then children have.
Okay, my g.children (all planned) make my children happy and anything that does that gets the thumbs up from me. But, I really would have been quite pleased not to have had any of them.
I would say that the OP should make every effort to have closer contact with their sons. Probably difficult for young men to get to see them too often, but could not Mr and Mrsmopp go to visit them on some sort of regular basis. Much easier for you to spare the time in travelling and visiting than for them.
IN a world that is overpopulated and in a time when the future of our planet is so uncertain, think not having to worry about direct descendants can be good.

I am not sure that surrogate grandchildren, or contact with children is the same as having your own biological children.

Our daugher decided very young that living with a partner or having children were not for her and she is happily single and living alone. Job insecurity meant that our DS and DDiL delayed it and we had more or less given up all hope when on the cusp of 40 she had two children in quick succession.

Had they not had children, no surrogate children of any kind could have filled the hole. We would just have had to rebuild our lives to a different pattern.

We had given up on granchildren but DS married at 40 and produced the granchildren in short order . Or at least his good wife did . They are a joy but we were resigned not to have any and had accepted it.

My bloke has 2 adult children pushing 40 that don't look as if they're going to reproduce. I feel sad for him, but he shares my only grandson with me. Not as good as one of his own but better than nothing. Sad, because he loves kids and is wonderful with them.

Yes, Newatthis, I would have liked that for my children, as we never had good relationships with their natural grandparents. I was going to suggest the same thing. There must be loads of families who would love the input of older people in their children’s lives. Perhaps you could contact Social services.

Dear Mrsmopp I can understand how disappointing this is for you and it would me too You sound very fair about it and are not sitting wringing your hands it’s just a sadness that’s there
Like another poster said Don’t give up My friend was in her very late 60s her eldest son gay, her daughter had a hysterectomy and never wanted children, and the youngest son a bit if a playboy she was like you not being hysterical but a bit sad roll on 5 years and she has two grandsons
It’s a shame you’re not closer with your sons but I find with most boys they don’t think of your feelings too much especially if they are busy with work or young ladies (or young men) you may need to be the one calling them or inviting them over
Good luck and I hope you suddenly get a call

I remember seeing in our local paper many years ago that a family was looking for (local) surrogate grandparents as they felt it a very important role within a family. Both of their sets of parents had died and their children were left without grandparents. They were inundated with offers. Perhaps you could write to your local paper and ask them to do a small article. You may have to get background checked but this is not intrusive.

mrsmopp - fabulous family tree, well done. Try and find a nephew, niece or even cousin's children to pass it on to. It won't be exactly the same tree, but you can pass on the bit that applies to them.
I do know quite a few people my age who have no grandchildren. It seems the next generation are enjoying life with no commitments, working and often travelling all over the world.
However, every cloud has a silver lining as they say. Those of us with grandchildren do spend a lot of time worrying, especially about the future of our planet. Global warming and overpopulation worry me dreadfully. I think about my grandchildren as older people and wonder what it will be like for them. In a way you are fortunate not to have that worry.

Have never mentioned kids to my sons and I’m not desperate Grammaretto. Just a bit disappointed.

Perhaps your sons sense the desperation you have and are keeping away?

If you want to have children in your life how about sponsoring a child's education ? A friend, in the same boat as you, did that and had much satisfaction.

I volunteer at a community garden and we have school visits etc.
Ok I'm sure you know all this and it's your own DGC you want.

On that note, it may yet be possible, one of our DS and his partner waited until they were over 40 before settling down to children and a friend's DD has just become a mum, for the second time, naturally, aged 48.
So don't give up yet.

As for the family tree. You are not the end of the line. I just had my DNA tested and immediately found dozens of new cousins. Our DC are not very interested.

Awesome that you've traced the family tree back that far! Will the family really come to an end though, just b/c your DSs (dear sons) don't intend to have kids? Are there no other relatives in their generation who do have/plan to have children?

Of course I understand it’s their own business and we have never raised the topic with them, it’s their lives after all. My mum had four grandsons who she saw frequently and had a great relationship with them. They were her pride and joy and they all adored her.
We do accept the situation, just feel sad that our family will come to an end. I have traced the family tree back to 1600.

I'm sorry you and DH (dear husband) are disappointed in your lack of GC, Mrs.Mopp. I'm also sorry that you don't have more contact w/ your sons, but think sodapop's WhatsApp idea is a good one. Meanwhile, glad you appreciate your friends and hope you continue to enjoy many activities w/ them.

I agree Sandelf, I’m sure many couples have had children in the past, simply because it’s the next step. I know a lot of couples who don’t have children, can’t or won’t, I don’t ask, though I think it’s probably not choosing to in most cases.