Feeling left out

instead of sending the items you buy deliver them by hand .say you would like a bit more time with your grandchild .but babies do take a lot of time ,and its natural for dil to turn to her mum more.seeing him once a week is good...maybe you can give them a photo of you with the gc ,so he can see who you are.that way gc will know he has another granny...gc isd still young so there is a lot going on in his young life. be patient when gc starts to toddle or parents want to go out etc .maybe some baby sitting..

OlderNewGranny, it can be a bit of a juggling act trying not to rock the boat or offend other, dear family members. Do what you can with a happy heart, think of yourselves & the other GPs as Team GP. Have you considered quietly putting money into a seperate account for your GC or a secret piggy bank instead of lots of toys & clothes etc. Its amazing how it mounts up & you'll have the pleasure of seeing it grow.

My eldest son DIL and 3 Gc live 4 hours away. DIL's mum lives 20 mins away from them ,but she has a husband who never recovered from a stroke. She is a lovely lady who I get on with well . I don't begrudge her one moment with our lovely GC. We have differing relationships with the GC she has been there for them babysitting, child minding, all the tiring hard work times as well as working around her husband. I on the other hand get to be the short weekend ,exciting times Grandma and I think I'm probably getting the best deal. I was asked to look after GC for the first week after DIL returned to work I have been fortunate enough to have weened potty trained and was present for first steps.
What I'm trying to say is that we all play a different part in our GC lives but they love us all the same. Kindness and love are noted by children not how often we see them, or what we give them (unless the parents have a problem.)
Enjoy being a Grandma wherever you fit in.

Oh boumau, don’t tell your family in Australia not to visit! Mine try to visit us (with 3 children) every 18 months - if they can afford it, it is great for kids to see another country, my grandkids are fascinated that when we Skype they are ready for bed and we are just getting up, or vice versa, it all gives them a better appreciation of a wider world. And OP I am sure you will build a lovely relationship with GS - weekly visits sound good for now, and perhaps you could offer to babysit for a few hours occasionally? How about asking them all over for Sunday lunch once a month or so? GS can join in the fun sitting in a high chair.

Oldernewgranny, it does seem to be natural for DD’s to gravitate to their own Mum’s. Keep visiting and enjoying your gorgeous grandson, my DD has always resented the fact that her in-laws didn’t and still don’t bother very much with the children, who are both still under 5.

It’s not unusual for the daughter’s parents to be involved more. After all, they’re her parents first and she will probably have needed them during her pregnancy and the birth of the child. Please don’t worry about it. As for the grandson, he may get to know the other grandparents more, but it doesn’t mean he’ll love you any the less. My situation is different - my daughter and grandchildren live in Australia. They live a long way from the other grandparents, but still see them anything between four and six times a year. I’ve had a stroke and am not ready to travel all the way to Australia yet. I’ve seen my second grandchild twice (she’s two in September). I see her on video and she’s now able to recognise me, though whether she’ll be shy when we meet is another matter. They’re all coming over in May, so we’ll see. I’m going to tell my daughter not to come again - at least for a few years - as I don’t want to be associated with a long, tiring flight and (probably) poor weather. Nor, when they get older do I want them to associate their holidays with travelling to England when they’ve such a lovely country to see, or they’ve got a bunch of cousins of a similar age to play with

It's completely normal. Maternal grandparents are almost invariably closer. Look at William and Harry even! Poor Charles has often said he doesn't get to see his grandkids as much as their other grandparents.

On the point of gift giving we do not buy clothes for our grand daughter usually as the parents like to choose but we have set up a monthly savings account for the same amount for each of the three grandchildren for when it is needed. School Trips Holidays etc. We did not choose accounts where the money is tied up until they are 21 as life changes and we wanted the monet to be available.

It is so hard isn`t it, but they aren`t babies very long and I now have a great relationship with the ones aged 4 and 6. They really are little individuals and once a week is enough to visit.

Oh...and suggest that your son sends less photos of baby with other grandmother...and more of you (for the photo album so to speak)!!

I feel for you and can relate to what you say. I do think having sons means you draw the short straw sometimes in that way. You could maybe gently mention to your son that you’d love them to pop in a bit more often and I would be careful how much you spend on them...it can be too much. However, being a grandparent is for life and our relationship with our grandchildren is bound to wax and wane over that time for a range of reasons. Look forward to the future, take the opportunities when you can -and know how fortunate you are to be in touch once a week even.

You see him once a week? You really need to realise how lucky you are - not invent things to worry about!(mine are in Australia) I feel the mention of “buying” things is strange?

I live 200 miles away from my DGC, so see only them ever six weeks or so and it hasn't stopped us having a close and loving relationship with them. The other grandmother lives only a few miles from them and has given them invaluable help, in the early years she was with them almost daily. We have both developed our relationship with the children in our separate ways.

Personally, as a paternal grandparent, we have never been treated less favourable than the maternal grandparent. I had never even come across this concept until I joined GN.

I could have written your message word for word three years ago Older!
Please dont let such thoughts spoil what you have. Your G/S will grow up to a different kind of relationship with you than his relationship with his other family.
I have a wonderful personal relationship with my little G/S now, which has built slowly. When I see him, about once a fortnight, I always try to do or take him somewhere to have fun. We have days out together, picnics in the forest, jumping in muddy puddles, childrens attractions etc. It is this which I focus on, rather than the other side of the family, where he stays three days every week ..
Quality time over quantity time ..

Please do not think this as a grandma competition.

A weekly visit is very good. Baby is only 11 months old. You have a lifetime left.

Work on a relationship with your son and DIL and the closeness will come naturally.

The amount of money that you spend on your gc does not mean anything - more money does not mean you will get the relationship you wish to get.

I tend to think that if the relationship with a son or daughter has primary place then the grandchildren 'slot in' quite nicely and both sets of grandparents will feel comfortable with the amount of contact.

IMO, you've gotten a lot of good advice here, Older, and I'm glad you appreciate it. Just want to say that, no doubt, when DS sends you pix of GS, he's trying to keep you in the loop, share the joy of GS w/ you, and the fact that MGM (maternal grandmother) is w/ them is just incidental. I agree w/ those who say don't look at their Intagram page. But if you "must" to see DS and GS, then please bear in mind that you'll probably see DIL's family, too. That's something you may just have to accept, even if it's hard. As for DS only bringing GS to you once, have you actually invited them over?

Granted, it's possible that, for now, it's easier for them to stay at home and have others come and visit them and baby there. Also, yes, the weekly visits are a great sign. Clearly, you and DH are valued GPs even if they see DIL's parents more often. And, apparently, the relationships are good all around. So please count your blessings. And enjoy!

Jane10 I am one of those dreamers! My goodness I'd feel grateful to see my DGD once every few months, let alone every week. She lives in Australia and I feel lucky that I've seen her twice in the 2 years of her little life.
Please, older, make the most of the visits and cherish every moment. Things will soon settle down I'm sure.

Oh its complicated isn't it? Someone once told me that maternal Granny will almost always be number one Granny and I thought "Interesting, I'll bear that in mind." I have 3 daughters and a son, so far 8 DGC, all nearby. I have a really good relationship with my DIL but its different to the relationship I have with my daughters. My DIL will frequently post stuff on FB about her Mum, rarely about our family but I can tell you that when the chips are down, she turns to us for advice, help and support. And that is absolutely fine. Work at the relationship you want and it will all fall into place.

Our first grandchild (son’s child) was born in another country and we visited first when she was a month old. Saw her again a few times over the next year, and meanwhile 2nd was on the way. I was asked to come and help when 2nd due as maternal grandmother had health issues but by then had strong relationship with GC. I was definitely not first choice for granddaughter and it was hard to see her going to everyone else - I was last resort if no-one else was available. Despite spending a lot of time with her, even sleeping with her over a few weeks, as parents were occupied with new baby, we didn’t seem to have much of a relationship.

However, over the next few years, we’ve got much closer and when they visited last summer, almost the first thing she said when she came into the house and saw a packet of Rice Krispies was “make crispy buns”, which we did of course!

My point is that it may take time to build a relationship with grandchild, but if you see him as often as once a week, it will develop. Also, children are different. Another of my grandchildren is extremely friendly with anyone, whereas first is much more reserved.

I’d also echo Norah’s post about spending money on nappies etc., unless you’ve been asked. Parents often prefer to choose clothes and toys themselves.

Your DIL is visiting her mum and obviously takes her son. DILs mum is seeing HER daughter, not just her grandson.

It’s always going to happen older my son moved to NZ married had two children who live round the corner from their other Nan and granddad I ve only seen then about six or seven times in the 22 years they ve been there (very expensive for a family of four to come home much and hard for me on a pension)
It is what it is, you can’t change it without upset and turmoil I think we do have to accept some things without breaking our hearts

I agree that once a week is good compared to some. If he recognises you and smiles (and doesn't look as though he's never seen you before!) then you are in his heart and his mind. As time goes by his love for you will grow and he will run to you and fling his arms around you! I'm sure you will get many opportunities to babysit, especially when he's a year or older. Have fun!

Stop spending "an awful lot of money on toys, clothing and nappies etc" as that could be the problem to you.

Many thanks for all of your thoughts, much appreciated and how wise you all are. You’ve all made me feel much better as I realise how right you are. MawB is right when she suggests that I’m feeling a little jealous of my DIL’s mum (not rivalry though) because she sees baby almost daily. I’m going to appreciate the time I have with him and be the funny and wise nanny that I planned to be before he was born.
Any more comments would be most appreciated, thanks again.