Trapped in an impossible situation...

Miss Adventure's suggestions seem worth look OP?

One final point, I am ashamed of my Stepson. I have tried every way possible (as has my husband) to support, encourage and push him towards stepping up for the children. As much as it pains me to say it, he simply isn’t prepared to parent his children. No amount of encouragement or cajoling have worked and he doesn’t really figure in their lives much.

The eldest has said she wants to live with her other grandmother who pretty much brought her up for the first two years of her life. She is not biologically our granddaughter but she has been in our lives since she was 15 months old and to us she is ours. Social Services always approved and encouraged our continuing involvement with her even when her parents where knocking figurative lumps out of each other.

I don’t think the eldest is hormonal yet, I just think that she feels resentful of her Mother’s reliance on her. The seven year old has been putting the two little ones to bed for the last two years for example. If the two little ones are hurt or upset they call for their sister, not their Mum.

Get their DAD to look after them !!He seems to be untouchable in this ,poor mother is slated and dad walks scot free ...honestly the world has moved on they are HIS responsibility .My GC's dad rarely sees them yet we had exactly this "I want to live with my dad" thing from his daughter ,thankfully she has realised the man who puts pictures of hie NEW baby all over FB isn't ever going to abe a good dad to her and her brother .Dont take these children if you resent it .I have had children here for 16 years sometimes one sometimes 3 or 4 ,one for half of every week for 9 years I work and I'm 65 ,if you want to do it you'll find a way

Movingon2018
I suggest you 'Moveon' as you obviously have no idea what it's like to live in a dysfunctional 'family'

Firstly, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply - I really appreciate it and there have been some helpful suggestions.

To answer some of the questions raised; sadly both parents are poor, Mum loves them but has made some disastrous relationship choices and also smokes cannabis regularly. She also simply doesn’t put them first. The two eldest had their sports days recently and even though Mum doesn’t work and the little one was at nursery and school is literally round the corner, she ‘forgot’ to go. Social Services are aware of Mum’s cannabis use and don’t seem to view it as a problem unless she smokes it in the same room as them.

The other Grandma is really nice but she has supported her daughter for a long time and to be honest I think she is a bit fed up and will no longer have the children overnight.

Our finances are a bit tight at the moment and as much as I would love a cleaner and other support it’s not an option right now. We both work full time, I am 53, my husband almost 57, he works shifts and only has seven weekends off a year, so most of the care falls to me although he does help if he’s there. I do think I will have a look into a bit of help and support. The kids are pretty good, bless them. I was lucky enough to be brought up by fantastic parents and I am trying to replicate the care they gave. The children do help putting toys away, laying the table etc and they behave beautifully for me. I would never dream of saying anything negative about their Mum to them; sadly the two eldest have been critical of Dad and their loyalty to Mum is being eroded as she keeps letting them down.

Finally whilst I appreciate your support and comments to the person who said ‘you only have them every other weekend I can’t see the problem’. Thanks for that. Try working a 40 hour week, having three small children every other weekend without exception for 14 months and see if YOU still feel the same...

icanhandthemback speaks SO much commonsense. Always useful. Plus, if you are tired having them from Friday to Sunday lunchtime with your husband, imagine what its like for mum on her own all the time. I too worry about what is said about the eldest girl. Kids have a canny knack of working out what they think adults want to hear. Be careful. You may be having an unintentionally negative influence.

I thought your post sounded bossy and demanding.

tickingbird

Movingon2018 I don’t find your post helpful to the OP. She doesn’t need interrogating. Be helpful or move on

Goodness gracious! Did you just wake up miserable and looking for some company in misery or what? Maybe you should look up the meaning of the word, "interrogating" before using it? And actually what was thee relevance of this post? You didn't offer OP any advice so what's your purpose? Unless of course to be nothing but dramatic?

icanhandthemback

I suspect that MovingOn2018 * was trying to get more info in order to give more structured advice as you wouldn't want to advise someone to leave things as they are if the children were in serious danger*

Thank you icanhandthemback. I thought is would be common sense to all. It apparently is rocket science to a select few.

Doris19 you need to start a new thread under Chat.

To be honest, I don't see the problem if it's only every other weekend.

I seem to remember that the mother isn't a bad parent just not the greatest parent and thet she had to enforce the court order for your son to have them at all is that right?The wee girl is just coming to an age where Daddy can do no wrong so in my experience its normal for her to want o live with her dad,I've had two who did that around that age .one whose dad is a waste of space and who has a wonderful mother,the other whose mother is as equally a good parent as her dad .Kids just see it differently,mine have both come through that phase and are happy with the situation as it is though both have been told that when they are older IF they want to move to live with their dads that will be their choice.I wouldn't think this is anything to be concerned about unless the mum is abusive and I seem to remember its ONLY the dad who has to be supervised so I'd guess not .
At the end of the day its down to whether you can keep having them at weekends or force your SS to look afterhis own children ..if he's reluctant he can pay for someone to do the care in your home .The children must always come first with someone ,their mother has them most of the time so it appears to be that she wants them but 3 children on her own when he's getting off scot free would make me angry too .He needs to step up .Sorry if that not what you want to hear .

I really appreciate how difficult it is for you as a Nan who seems to be needed to pick up the pieces when parenthood doesn't go as planned. I can only say that you need to make sure you don't undermine Mum's efforts at being a parent when your 7 year old Grandaughter doesn't want to go home unless there are serious issues involved. 7 year olds can be pre-hormonal these days and starting to have mood swings, heightened feelings, etc. She has probably 'heard' a lot of criticism of her parents over the years and she needs a place to vent but also a way of re-aligning her loving feelings towards them. I do know that Social Services can do that with her to help her understand her feelings of anger, love, etc. They are doing that with my 7 year old grandaughter who has had to be a young carer and there is no talk of her going into care.
I suspect that * MovingOn2018 * was trying to get more info in order to give more structured advice as you wouldn't want to advise someone to leave things as they are if the children were in serious danger. It may also be that due to her exhaustion, Mamma66 may be feeling overly critical/frustrated/worried so that taking a tiny step back may be appropriate.

I'm really annoyed that Prince George is wearing an England shirt. He is heir to the throne of the ?? UK This is playing right in to the Nationalist hands if the royals are seen to favour one part of the UK over another Same goes for all sports including rugby I know it's only a football shirt but I really feel they should not favouring one part of our country over another.

Social services will only become involved if there is a need. Any involvement begins with a referral or re referral in your case. There is no child protection register now. Children become subject to child protection Plans.
You can access child protection procedures by going into your local authority website .
If a child has already been involved with SS then they will have been subject to an assessment.
I would talk to social services to find out if there are any resources to assist you and be honest about how you are struggling. It will be better to do this now before it reaches a crisis situation. If the children remaining at home depends on your beging able to offer this ongoing level of support then it sounds like further intervention from SS will be required and in the longer term its unlikely you will be able to prevent this.
Think about the ongoing needs of the children and think of what a great support you have been this far. You have done your best by yhe sound of it.

Have you thought of becoming kinship carers?
You would be full time foster parents to the children, but social services can (at their discretion, of course!) help, by paying as if you you were fostering non family children, and having quite a lot of input in ensuring they have what they need.

This can't go ahead without mediation with the parents, which may give them a wake up call.
Really, the pair of them ought to be ashamed of themselves for leaving you in such a situation. (I know that doesn't help but I had to say it!)

Hi op
Tricky situation - how are things financially? There are lots of stage/threaten clubs that the older two could attend pretty much all day on a Saturday that are really good fun.
Things will get easier, it’s not forever, they are young.
Are there any granny’s groups near you? A friend of mine (in Hampshire) has full guardianship of her granddaughter, she joined a granny’s club - she was amazed at how many grandparents have full or shared guardianship of grandchildren.
Maybe have a ‘schedule’ to calm things?
Drawing or play doh hour
Reading hour
Movie time
Tech time
Swimming/ park/ walk time
Bake a cake hour
A bit like a school/ nursery does - break the day into segments of activity rather than all day play and chaos.
It also might be worth looking into some mindfulness techniques that you do with the older two.
This time will pass.

Do the other grandparents help at all?

I think you have to be honest and talk to the social workers. If you are struggling now will you be able to carry on until they are grown up? In this day and age children need strong parenting due to the dangers in the world - drugs, grooming etc. It might be better if a permanent foster home could be found, even if they are separated. You could still have then, maybe just for a day.
Meanwhile have you asked the 7 year old why she doesn’t want to live at home? Could there be a man friend in the picture?
While with you, do you get the children to help with age related chores? Clearing the table, washing up, a bit of fun cooking? Making their beds? I know they are a bit young for this but the older girl can help - although if she is made to do this at home it might be why she wants to leave!
I’m sorry there is no easy answer. It must be hard to love them but feel unable to give what is neeeded.

Mamma66, we have been in exactly the same position as you so I completely understand the feelings of responsibility you have to look after your GCs emotional and physical welfare. I understand the exhaustion too. We were scared to involve SS but they were involved at one point and they said they were happy for the children to live with us is we could manage, and aren't in the habit of removing children from homes if it can be avoided. We were still very afraid it could happen though. Like your GC, ours get on so well together we didn't want them split up. Like yours, they said they didn't want to live with one parent. All I can offer you is that if you can struggle on, like others have said, the children do get easier to look after as they get older. In the meantime, talk to relatives/friends to see if they can look after the children for even a couple of hours when they're with you. I think you need to talk to the children's parents to see about them paying for some help for you, so that you can continue to support them all. You don't have to be unkind, just honest about your needs being met, not just theirs. Your stepson should certainly be told that this will be an expectation when he gets his inheritance. They are his children and his responsibility. If SS eventually do get involved, make sure you let them know that you still want to be involved in the children's futures, and having them for weekends etc. I'm sure the children's teacher's will be happy to support you in this area too, as they will be aware how much they love you and indeed what their personal circumstances are. Children tell their teachers a lot! I really feel for you, and wish you all the best in getting the help you need. Don't be afraid to ask for it. Sometimes the fear is worse than the reality.

I do sympathise with you as we are in a similar situation as sadly our foster daughter has cancer and there is no one else to care for her 3 children who we regard as grandchildren and while I love them to bits I also resent having to care for three children at the age of 67 when I have finally retired and had plans to spend the time with my oh

I know I would feel like you mama66. There's no easy answer but I think help is needed for you both from somewhere@

Poor kids having parents like these .... but lucky, lucky kids to have grandparents like you 2. Plan ahead and do activities where you can to a degree just sit back and watch and let the kids wear themselves out. Have a structured day giving each of you an hour off in turn. It doesn’t have to cost a fortune, picnics, walks in the park, woods etc you really are wonderful people and I hope everything works out well for you all ?

whilst there is a lot of pressure on you, you have to look at whether the care the children are getting is good enough. At the current time, it does not look as though they would meet the criteria to go on he Child Protection Register or go into care. There might be groups or clubs - or volunteers who could give support. Do you have any other family who could help. Unfortunately the pattern being shown by SIL - sitting back and letting you cope - is all too common. Get him to take the kids to the park and make sure he helps at meal times. It is a lot for you but I cannot see a way out until they are older. If SIL is coming into money suggest he put some in trust for the children to help with their education - it doesn't sound as though he will buy a house for them all to live together...

well I would ask questions of you Mamma 66...
surely you are asking for comments/advice? perhaps I have it wrong..
I can`t see the ages of you and hubby, and your circumstances
my first thought was that my gks.. I would have them with me,, but then, that is not always the best thing for all people concerned.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think that a meeting needs to be arranged with Social Services with you, your husband and both parents. You don't say what the mother isn't doing to not be engaged with the children or the father. I'd guess that when he is with you, if you are playing with the children etc , he doesn't need to bother!
Parenting for some is not innate, it has to be learned and with 3 children under 10 as a single parent, it can be overwhelming and maybe if she has little contact with her own parents, she may not know how to be one!
You are at your wits end, so now is the time for the mum in particular to be given some support and shown how she can be a parent and it wouldn't hurt for your step son to go to ! He may well feel detached from the children as he sees them so little so should be encouraged to spend time with them on his own - if he is at your house, maybe leave him on his own in your back garden or you both take them all to a park, your and your husband sit back and watch while he gets a chance to play with them on his own