Feeling Used and Abused

Hormones!

Don’t go crawling. Just send her a bunch of flowers and say ‘we are here if you need us’. Leave it at that and wait.

If she’s not going to let you into her life all the cajoling will make no difference.

NanaPlenty, please try to keep in contact. This happened to me until I was gradually eased completely out of her life, I tried everything and put up with anything to stay in contact. Whatever I could have done I did, but she wanted me out. I didn't see my gd for that many years when I did she's was grown and I had missed her growing up. In my heart I can never get over it, no expansion, no apology. It was her friends that I think became her new family. Mine is unusual I think because she lives a privileged life that I don't fit into. The longer you get to see your gc and build a connection the better although you will have to swallow your pride. For me I should have accepted the situation and I became depressed trying to make sense and alter something I couldn't.

Thanks Kwest I'm inclined to agree with - unfortunately she has severed all lines of communication ?

She sounds depressed and insecure. I would be inclined to enthusiastically accept the chance to babysit. Be careful not to criticise in any way. She needs to know she is loved and accepted even when she may not like herself very much, though of course do not suggest that last part to her.
This is not about you or your husband, even though it feels very much as if it is. The girl is unhappy and using whatever means she can to make other people feel unhappy too. She is unwell. This is hard to do but bite you tongues, be laid back and welcoming and let her know that you are always there for her. I would say that it might be unwise to just turn up without warning or invitation. At the very least make a phone call a couple of hours in advance so that she can be prepared and tidy up if she needs to. Good luck, hopefully time, patience and unconditional love will create the solution you want.

That’s so sad Moomin for you and your grandson ?❤️

Sorry didn't mean to detract from what you pisted Moomin. It was just to let you know you're not alone in having to cope with not seeing gc. Sometimes it helps.

Moomin

Feel for you Moomin

That's so sad Moomin. I do feel for you. I am not close to my 7 gc. not my fault either. They can't chat to me when we do meet, there's no closeness at all. Unlike the other granny.. I've accepted it but it's always a bit sad. I just get on with my own life. At least I never had to grumble about too much childminding ?

I am the mum of 6 and grandmother if one little boy who is nearly two. My relationship with his parents has been rocky but with a lot of work things are calm. Mainly because I don't ever express any options about parenting or my experience as it is shot down or sneered at. Things are different it's her child I know that. I would love be to be able to have him but arrangements never get carried through always reasons consequently when I do see him he puts his down and says he is shy then we have excruciating game of others trying to cajole him to let me go near him. Frankly I can't play this game. It's awful for all concerned and I no longer want to play. He is a lovely lad but I don't love him I don't know him. He is not allowed to know me. He has lots of contact with wider family and I'm pleased I've been surrounded by children all my life and look after a friends child since eight months. If I ask my daughter why she says he is precious to her well obviously I'm not going to let anything happen if I can help it. My youngest child died in an accident at 21 months and I have a feeling this is at the root of it all. It's a conversation I can't have. I wish things were different.

excuse typos.

She said you never do anything for her. Did you ask what she means. Perhaps popping in for lunch or a chat is not what she needs right now. And what did happen at Christmas.
Another person suggested it was something to do with the mother in which case maybe its an issue your husband could ckarify.

Is it possible that your SD is depressed.
I am just coming out the other side of that illness.
I withdrew from family and friends and made excuses not to go anywhere. I still feel panic stricken at the thought of going anywhere. The youngest child is only two, could she be suffering post natal depression?

Have you asked her if anything is wrong? :-(

My daughter is also a very 'distant' girl.....she rings when she wants help with the children. In my case, she knows how I feel about her lazy ex-husband. She still helps him financially and I get really mad ....but I don't say anything in front of the children.
Sometimes I feel she cares about her lying, cheating Ex, than me.
SO, my advice would be to keep on babysitting because that's your chance to see her and the children. Good luck!!

Maybe just help your daughter out see your grandchild - she’s clearly making an in road to whatever relationship issues you have - my personal experience is that grandparents just don’t want to help out anymore.

You haven’t seen them for 3 months? What happened at Christmas? They are only 15/20 minutes away.

I am sure you must feel you made a mistake about telling her you felt you were being used so she cancelled the baby sitting. Look at it from her point of view, you say she is jumping to assumptions and maybe you are. I think many families are very busy with work, looking after the home and playing taxi service to children. I think most people would cancel the babysitting if they were told you felt used.

You haven’t mentioned if she has a partner. Yes could well be her mother who is poisoning the situation.

Being hurt and angry won’t help the situation. Maybe you could pop around with some flowers and ask if you can baby sit as it would be great to see the children.

NanaPlenty - I hope you can persuade her to change her mind and let the kids stay with you, even if for a short while such as an overnight visit, do it!
She is obviously under stress and needs the break.
For me - if the only way I can see my DGD is to be taken advantage of, bring it on!

Er.... Am I missing something here? If the OP and her DH babysit the DD will be out enjoying herself with free childcare and they will NOT see her. They won’t see the DC either, as they will be in bed.

Is it possible that she has a very 'full plate' hence very little free time....does she have a full time job in addition to her other obligations?

These days, most (working) couples jointly manage their household, two jobs, the bills, their children and if there's any time left, a somewhat limited social life. Most weekends are for running errands, cleaning house, repairs/maintenance and laundry....did I mention children with outside activities that require transport and parental participation? Most have limited time with family because of their very busy schedules.

If your daughter needs help with babysitting or you're feeling 'used', it's because you're probably the only people she feels close enough and comfortable enough with to 'use'.

Without a crystal ball, it's hard to tell if something more serious is happening in your daughter's life. You also need to ask yourselves if you had a legitimate prior engagement or other valid reason why you couldn't babysit or was it a matter of pride that led you and/or H to overthink the rest?

Either way, the healthiest approach going forward, will be to assume good faith on her part, keep honest lines of communication open and always be unconditionally supportive.

Is she in a relatively new relationship? If so, my concern would be it is or has become abusive. One of the things abusive partners do is alienate family and friends.
I would definitely babysit and whilst I wouldn't question the children, I'd be loooking for any changes in their behaviour.

Thank you all Iam relieved to see Iam not the only one abused
So grateful to read your inputs

Yes I think the grandchildren are the important ones here. I remember feeling overstretched when my children were small and happy to let granny’s see the grandchildren but not me. Probably a lot going on, let it be and lucky you seeing the gc’s. They are the important ones in your relationship.

My daughter gradually alienated all the family except my husband and myself. It turned out that she was hiding a drinking problem. I don't suggest that this is the reason for your stepdaughter's behaviour, but it might be another problem she's hiding and you could maybe help with. I wish you good luck in getting a good outcome. Don't lose contact with your GC as they may need you in the future, and they will want to know that you will be there and love them whatever happens.