daughter in law

Hi SFG what a fab grandma you are. Most of us would have loved the kind of support you give as we worked and our families were young. I'm inclined to agree with rascal - your DS and DIL have decided to have their family. You're doing the giving, they're doing the taking. The DIL's attitude to you is awful while you take care of their son. She should be thanking her lucky stars. Let her see what it's like without your help. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Working at home is difficult. I have some sympathy for her. If I took a break to make a coffee and someone washed the cup up after me I would find it a bit passive aggressive and be reluctant to go and make myself another one. You don't immediately unwind and switch off from work just because you are at the kettle. Concentrating is difficult and I find it difficult if someone interrupts my train of though so don't take what you see as aloofness personally. I used to mooch around a lot when I was working. She is just still in work mode.
If it really isn't bearable, then you could just try saying on one day that you have a few things to do at home so will have to take him back with you and can they collect him when they are ready. Atmospheres are difficult and sometimes are too stressful to cope with but I wouldn't give that as your reason, try to make is something non controversial.

She is very lucky to have a gran who is happy to look after her son and meet him from school three days a week. Try not to worry , just enjoy being with your grandson, they grow up so quickly. Maybe your dil feels her space is being a bit invaded when she is trying to work, but it’s just part of modern life, and she will have to adjust too. Good luck.

Is there a cafe or somewhere to play/swim where you could take your GS on the way home? It might be easier than feeling the way you do. I think a 3/4 an hour journey is a bit much for a 4 years old just to resolve your discomfort.

I would just not do it. They decided to have a family so let them get on with it. Then they will realise just how beneficial it was you helping them but they took it all for granted. They will learn. Hopefully your Daughter in Law will mellow when she realises

Maybe the DIL is simply a good caring mum and wants the OP to still be there even when she's working from home, because the OP gives the little boy attention that he wouldn't have stuck in front of the TV till 5pm. The only problem here is the OP's feelings, I can't see anything else wrong at all. Sometimes there are ways to change our own feelings without having to change anything else in a situation at all.

showergelfresh I totally empathise and it’s very difficult. You will have to be stoical... the only thing you are in control of is your mind... as others have said focus on having quiet fun with grandson. Don’t say anything to your son. Do your best. Which I think you are doing btw! Be good if he could have play visits with other children? If you can make friendships at school gate. This is not against the mum it is for your sanity and grandsons happiness. There are many DIL’s who are possessive, resentful and spoiling for a fight. Deep breath. Yes. And as someone above said don’t clear up after her.. in a way that would seem judgemental. Try and be cheery with her... channel your Joanna Lumley

Please gransnetters don't try to solve the problem around why this relationship is as it is. It has gone on for a long time and shower gel fresh sounds as though she has handled the situation well to have been able to see her GC so regularly. I have lived with this type of shadow for 13 years and I live over 200 miles away. I have a wonderful relationship with my grandchildren and my son but I don't see them more than 3 times a year. My son is well aware and manages it as well as he can. The question here is about the present and the fact that mum has started working from home. Knowing how bad the shadow feels it may be appropriate rather than to negotiate to just say that you would leave when you deliver your GS to the house so that you don't get under her feet. If she protests be happy that she wants you there however ungrateful she may be and do whatever you have done with your GS previously. If she hovers ignore it and just carry on. I do know how hard that is emotionally and as others have said you will need to learn to block her out. You could decide to cut your days to 2 days a week as it's a huge tie with travel for you . As time goes on you will find that your GS wants to do his own thing or play with friends you may feel you want to hang on to this point or even gradually let go. I feel for you but do agree the bond you have with your GS is fantastic and believe me having built it so far it will never leave him whatever his mum feels. Best of luck

Not an easy situation. If it upsets you so much, I would take him out at least one day a week. What about to a local library, look on your local websites for things to do together or take him out for tea. When he gets older he’ll no doubt have lots of after school activities & you may not get a look in- so enjoy it while you can!

She is obviously not around every time you look after your GS so I think you really have to try and go with the flow, really try to carry on exactly as you do when you are on your own with DGS. As has been said above she is probably not expecting you to do the washing up or anything but the childcare. Keep smiling its the only way and don't mention it to your DS as you will put him in an impossible situation where you will probably come off for the worse.

It sounds to me like six of one and half a dozen of the other.
Janeainsworth is absolutely right, those of us who do get to be part of the care team are very blessed. Why not set up a routine for when you arrive from school? Could you make her a cup of tea/coffee presumably gs has a drink and a snack when .he comes home? It’s really hard to have to be working when you’d much rather have time with your child. Working mums do it out of necessity these days with high house prices. As to clearing up the dirty dishes, it’s up to you. If you do it it would help both your dil and your ds. Sorry, I’ve rambled on!

Riggie has a point. I can see a fairly simple thing to do that might just be enough to make it bearable. When DIL comes down to make her coffee etc. choose that moment to get very immersed with your grandson, to the extent that you're not aware of the DIL's activities. That might make things easier for both of you. But... I didn't spot in the original post anything that gives the impression the DIL is being unpleasant in these situations? What did I miss? Does she make the "underhanded criticisms" while she's mooching?

My MIL was always critical and making judgements so much so that I was scared when she was in the house. She even refused to see my second daughter when she was born and didn't see her until she was 6 months old. My dh would have walked away if I had not made the effort. Sometimes I wish I hadn't as she was always trying to turn the children against me, unsuccessfully I'm glad to say. Maybe your dil is scared of you and feels uncomfortable when you are around. Just be grateful that she lets you have your gs and doesn't cut you off. If she is working from home she is still working and probably can't do the school pick up. Just be grateful for small mercies. The one thing that reconciled my mil, fil and myself was when my son was diagnosed with a life limiting illness. We were united in grief. Be glad you have a healthy gs and just accept your dil as she is.

As she is working upstairs on her laptop, she isn’t really involved in the time you are elsewhere in the home with your grandchild.
Working from home is always hard on the rest of the family whoever they are. My husband used to do it a lot, my son and son in law does and it’s honestly easier if they aren’t there as you are always aware of their needs and the noise. So I would say it’s normal to feel uncomfortable with someone working in the house. You just need to get used to it. Even the coffee making when you are focused on work is often “aloof” - my son in law is still thinking when he makes coffee, he’s barely present, and barely says hello. Eventually it will become a different sort of normal and you will feel more comfortable.
Just don’t wash up and clear up etc. As others have said, you are there to look after the little one. Doing that is plenty.
Good luck.

I feel for you showergelfresh but I would not give up on my gs and just keep trying to see him as much as possible. Surely when she realises how much for care her attitude will change.

Just try to ignore her. She's upstairs working and popping down for a drink break (like most people in an office would do) is hardly wandering around! It's her house fgs. Imagine the other side of the situation "I come down for a coffee break and mil is watching everything I do".

It seems as though there is antipathy on both sides, and in fairness, she is working from her own home and is entitled to make coffee and mooch as she presumably would do at work. She can't work with a four year old, who definitely won't stay obediently in front of the television for an hour on his own.
Enjoy being with your grandson. stop the resentment you feel at being taken for granted building up, and have a series of quieter activities to hand, a longer walk home, reading, puzzles, drawing, games, visiting the park or even watching television, as long as you do it together.

When you say you have never got on maybe that is just from your point of view. I feel a little resentment from you when you say they do not appreciate you.
She may not know she is making you feel as she does. She will also sense you do not like her. She is certainly happy to have you there minding her son and maybe it is just her manner. If she were not happy to have you in the house she would indeed pick him up from school herself.
It is so sad when families do not get on. Maybe you could be a little more flexible with her and try and make the effort to see her good points, for the sake of your grandson. He is going to feel the tension as he gets older. There is such a thing as faking it before you make it.

She's not "mooching around" she's making a coffee in her house and it is her business if she clears up or not.Just leave whats she's left on the counter.She doesn't employ you to clean so why are you doing it?
Give this young woman her due ,she's working presumably for a decent lifestyle for her family ,she'll have work stresses and a MIL who doesn't like her .She lets you care from him why do you want to make things difficult for her.You can still play with him but make it something thats not noisy so she's not interupted,its not that hard.We often had to do quiet things when my OH worked from home,and after school at that age quiet things are often what they need .

The problem is not how your DiL behaves to you, but how you react to her.
Whatever you do, do not involve your son. He’s probably painfully aware of the situation anyway. It would be very unfair to put him in the position of having to be an unwilling go-between between his wife and his mother.
Anja is right. Pretend she’s not like that.
Turn the other cheek.
Smile and offer to make her a cup of tea. You might be surprised by the results.
Concentrate on enjoying your gs’s company.
Many gransnetters would give their eye teeth to see their grandchildren 3 times a week and be so involved in their lives.

Try to continue to keep the peace as you are doing. Enjoy your GS and try to find some good points your DIL has. Try to think why your son loves her. Good luck.

I just would not do it . Let her pick her son up if she is at home as she is obviously not doing very much work if she is hovering around watching you .

Can you discuss this frankly with your son.

Can you try to mentally shut her out? I know it’s easier said that done but there is one person I have to employ this technique with.

You have to psych yourself up and mentally put a barrier between your mind and hers. Yes, acknowledge her presence but mentally block her out while appearing to smile etc..

Think of the phrase ‘don’t let her get to you’ and in your mind block her slings and arrows. Tune into your GS instead.

Can you take your grandson to a park or somewhere outside the home for a couple of hours or even an hour to lesson the time together Not easy in the winter I know