Christmas and Birthdays

You have done really well in your circumstances to be able to afford gifts up to now. I agree with every body else and I would just send a card I only give presents until they reach 18 so congratulate yourself you are not mercenary.

I always sent to my grandchildren and i always had to ask 'did you receive the parcel'? as they never let me know. Then when my grandson was 18 I sent a cheque and card, I did not receive any acknowledgement at all, so I wrote to him and said ' I know you received it because the cheque has been cashed, but as you can't be bothered to say thank you I can't be bothered to send anything else', that was 8 years ago and I have not sent anything since, not for Christmas or birthday. My granddaughter from my other son, she is now 11, has always written and posted a thank you , obviously she still gets gifts.

There is no need to send him gifts or small amounts of money. A card on the birthday is fine. But at 22 it’s difficult for him to feel much connection with you. He doesn’t know you. It’s nice that your DIL has such a clear sense of duty.
What people in their 20s need, all the time, is money towards specific items such as tech and travel. Maybe you could have a chat with him on the phone about what he needs/wants, anything he’s going to try to save for and see how you can help. At least that will get a conversation going and help you to get to know each other again.

I agree with other posters, a nice card with cheerful and meaningful words is just fine.

Also agree with NemosMum, a note or text now and then to show him that you love him, are interested in his life and are constantly thinking about him. It may seem one sided for now but behaviour breeds behaviour and you never know...….

Present stop at 18. It's the law.

I hate the thought of e-cards and Facebook cards. It is so easy to pick up the phone and say "hello".

Do GNers send to their own adult children and not to adult GC? Interested in other views as my partner and I have different opinions on this.

I agree with the majority but do what is right for you. We cannotwalk in your shoes. One word of warning though. We are all living longer and so we not only have grandchildren, I now have 5 grandchildren and our 6th great grandchild is on the way!

I have a similar “problem”. Our Granddaughter is in her mid twenties. She is the child of my sons first marraige. She doesn’t see her dad or myself and my husband. My husband insists on birthdays and Christmas in sending money to her the same as we give to other grandchildren. She does sometimes thank us. We never receive a birthday or Christmas card. We are friends on FB so even a greeting on that would be something. It’s so sad. We are not to blame for what happened between her parents and we would love before it is too late to have more contact. Also she may have regrets later if she doesn’t. I think I agree with my husband that in sending to her on birthdays etc at least we have some contact. Something may come out of it.

Nansypansy How old is you grandsons half brother?
Unless he too is working and able to afford to run a car then you could send a small gift voucher but I believe you should and in your circumstances cease any presents to your own grandson.. You have no obligation to or should you need to explain anything as surely he is old enough to understand your position. He should be sending you a present not the other way round.
A card to your grandson is ample




.

NP, I'm with many posts here. Do what you want/can. A card with a profound message and no mention of gift whatsoever. First one then becomes the norm unless your circumstances change and you want to revert. I'm more concerned by the fact that you haven't seen him (them?) for 4 to 5 years. Cannot understand this under any circumstances assuming you have an amicable relationship. Hope this whole situation improves for you and soon.

I agree he's old enough to stop getting a present now, just a card. But I'd keep sending gifts to his brother until the brother is the same age, because some people get funny if you don't treat all the kids in a family the same - even the ones that are not actually related to you.

Yes. After sending a lovely card to daughter in law saying you having to budget and hope boys understand. Boys of their age will not give presents and cards a thought. You might as well be on the moon to them! Could you text them occasionally even if you just get about 3 words back. Very hard being the adult at times (don't I know).

What a very nice DiL. I totally agree with everything that's been said. A nice card with a message and personal update would be completely acceptable but keep in touch.

I agree with everyone else, a card is fine. How lovely that you include his half brother too. You sound very thoughtful, definitely not mercenary!! ?

I think you should let DIL know as you are sending both of them just a card, she can explain to younger child. Agree it's time just to send a card.

Regular contact is more important. Explain your reasoning e.g. financial but that you would like to keep in touch and they are welcome to your home for a visit any time.

I agree. In the circumstances just a card would be fine. I will still give presents to my teenage grandchildren for a while, as they are both at university, so money is tight. Once they are earning, they will just get a card. They are both kind to me, so I'm glad to be able to help them out with a bit of cash and a small gift. When they are getting a good income, maybe they can start subsidising me!

I agree send a lovely card instead of a present I’m not sure how to choose a present for someone you haven’t seen for so long. The importent thing is to stay in touch. X

We have done the same in my partner's family, we just send them a card at Christmas and on their Birthdays.
They are both young adults and presents should be for the younger ones. So, don't feel guilty, it's not like if you've forgotten them.

I agree that when they become adults, it’s probably a good time to stop with regular presents, especially if you don’t see them. Maybe for special birthdays, but not every year.

I stop at 18
When children are small I send a nice book
Teenagers get a tenner

You know what Nansy, it's fine to drop the gifts, but I bet he would like it if you texted him from time to time (not just on birthdays) asking how he was getting on and sending a bit of news of your own. He may not need your material gifts, but I bet he would love your interest in his life.

I agree that it seems perfectly reasonable to only send cards in future to the older boy, since he is now working, but perhaps continue to send a small gift to his half-brother, since he is only 10 and you are in the habit of sending him presents.

I agree with stopping ‘children’ gifts at 18. We have done so with nieces and nephews.
We still give to our ACs and DILs, usually towards something they’re saving for.
Our GCs are little so presents are still appropriate and to be honest we probably will continue after they’re 18. ( if we’re still here!)
In your position I think I’d send a small amount of money for a birthday or Christmas drink, on me.
If that’s not possible, then just a lovely card with some sincere sentiments written inside.