Dil won’t let me be grandma

Apology in advance if I am wrong but is it possible that this is "a reverse" ? If not then OP you really need to listen as hard as it may seem your relationship will probably improve greatly if you step back as people keep saying. What do those around you say about your circumstances?

I think the OP is all about my as if he is a possession and there lies the trouble. Why is time alone so important? Repair the relationship with DIL and there won't be a problem. At the moment I can see why she prefers full time daycare.

Honestly this is probably where you are going wrong and why your relationship with your DIL is strained. No mother or wife wants or needs advice from her MIL. She wants to raise her children on her own without the advice and judgement from others, especially from her MIL. You’re not entitled to give her advice just because you want the best for your grandchild. Your job is to butt out, zip your lip and let her raise HER baby. You had your turn with your baby.

Apologies I missed the comment about Crazy's loud family. Still doesn't necessarily mean that she is, but I now see the source of your comment. .

Crazy said her DiL had never liked Crazy's loud family - I guess it is possible Crazy herself is quiet. But it doesn't sound as if Crazy is getting anywhere despite continuously asking to see her GC and asking to drop round. If she stopped doing it, she might find she's invited. If she's "literally tired out" with asking, they might be tired out of being pestered. Or she could ask her DS what would help.

"And if you are loud and you know it's not appreciated, why not tone it down?"

Did I miss Crazy saying that she is loud?

But that's the whole point alchemilla if crazy waited to be asked, she never would be and what on earth led you to the assumption that she's loud.

I rather think the OP isn't coming back. Some people have been overly forceful but I agree with the tenor of what the majority have said. OP sounds melodramatic ("cast aside" when she sees her GC every fortnight and is spending the majority of Christmas with them), and she's blaming her DiL for every refusal when most new mothers would think OP's demanding too much in the first place. It could be her son and DiL are concerned that if they give an inch she'll take a mile, given she says she's retired and lives 2 minutes away. CrazyH be careful you don't wear away your own welcome by asking so often when you can see the children or drop over. Wait to be asked. And if you are loud and you know it's not appreciated, why not tone it down?

I doubt Sadgranma is coming back.

It sounds like she's used to getting her own way and is finding any reason to have pick at her DIL. Not once has she blamed her son who is also the parent.

I can’t believe this post is still ongoing! sadgranma - do you still feel the same way, or have you tried to take on board any of what has been posted here? I hope so

Sadgranma - I have what I consider to be a very big role in my grandchildren lives, but
, I am never there first thing Christmas morning. That is precious family time. I would have hated to have missed out on that myself. We get the afternoon, which I am more than happy with. Son an partner only every other year. Occasional family holiday, but they usually do their own thing. My DGCs were all breastfed, so never really had them without parents until they were older. I was/am allowed to bath and change nappies. You have a pretty good amount of time with your GC, much more than most. Don't ruin it by being demanding, or expecting even more! You are blessed.

Eglantine, thanks for your nice reply. Critical ? No, it didn't come across like that...not to me, at least.

I think you also need to acknowledge that (and I know gransnet and mumsnet hate this) but the maternal grandparents do end up more involved.

When you have a baby you gravitate towards your own mum and it looks like this is also what has happened.

You need to step back and I think actually apologise to you DIL. I think that would go a really long way to building bridges.

As for the childcare, I know a lot of people who prefer to send their child to a nursery. I did when my MIL was more than willing to do it because I wanted my child to have that social aspect as well as the structured learning times they had and she benefited from it so much.

In relation to the holiday, I think you need to accept that those may be occasions now that they want to do things as a smaller unit.

I have a very overbearing nature however when my daughter had my GD i took a major step back which was so difficult. I know my daughter is her mother and I have to restrain myself. The result...a lovely relationship with my daughter and GD. I can see her when i want they will even let me have her when she is meant to be at the minders. All because i "know my place" And of course this is how i should be. I adore my GD and both daughter and SIL know this and i have zero issues. I think had i been pushy and judgmental things would be different

Also an added point after reading a bit more, my mil actually had a bit of a problem when I was pregnant, it got to the point multiple midwives advised me to leave after witnessing her... (i don't know if people remember my other post where I went to hospital and she came over unnanounced when I got home saying the blood loss was a good thing as hopefully had helped me lose weight!) Even after all this, my husband spoke to her and made her apologise and I see her once a week with baby, becuase my husband insisted. Do not blame daughter in laws! You're son will fight for you if he wants to! It does annoy me when DIL are always blamed for lack of contact!

. I always imagined I would play a bigger role

This says it all.
We can all imagine in advance what situations in our life we hope may be like - marriage, career whatever, but reality is something else.
You need to let this young family have their own life, whether that is Christmas morning or their annual holiday without complaining or resenting it.
It sounds as if you do not have much of a life of your own and that needs rectifying while you are still able.
Noone chooses to come across as overbearing or needy but only you can sort this.

willa I hope you didn’t think my reply to you was critical. It wasn’t meant to be. More of a reflection on what GD do that is really helpful and leads them to be included and part of a family.

As others have said, it’s the difference between caring for others and trying to meet their needs or, like the OP, being totally fixed on your own wants. I won’t even say needs there.

I think your family time sounds lovely. Enjoy?

@Apricity post is perfect. It is what I would have written (probably a bit less eloquently)!
You are getting most of Christmas day and a 1/3 of their family holiday week! Be happy! Be grateful! Also you say that Dil parents have more time but I assume they aren't getting Christmas if you have basically the whole day? Do you wonder if they could be jealous of you for that? Think of everyone else involved as well as yourself? Be kind to your daughter in law! You also said you can only hold the baby for 20-30 minutes at a time! Be thankful? Baby must be under 6 months to be held this long as any older they would be wriggling and needing to be put down to wander. This is a small baby who still needs their mother and father. You will be a grandma for more than these first few months so please let the parents get settled before getting upset that you want to change nappies ect. Also have a think, when you had given birth did you give anyone your newborn son for 30 minutes? It is along time for a new parent.

I do feel sad for you because you seem set on such a self destructive path .
I didn’t have a good relationship with my MIL to the extent that we moved away from family to get away from her interfering but we went home for a weekend every month and she visited often with the boys going to stay without us when they were old enough .
Now a granny and great grandmother myself I have been careful not to repeat her mistakes and have good relationships with my SIL s DILs GSIL and GDIN
I am there when they need me and they include me in family events but the bottom line is when THEY need me and I don’t see it as my right to have them put my needs first .Yesterday I spent time discussing with my GDIL whether it was time to start weening her youngest son . We laughed a lot and talked about how things had changed since I brought up my sons and how I used to feed her husband as a tot but I also kept reminding her that he is her third child and that she knows him best .
I guess what I am trying to say is respect is a two way thing and if you want your DIL to respect you maybe you need to think about whether you are treating her with respect too and maybe one day you might actually come to like each other .

Good, pertinent post Apricity
sadgranma - you need to read Apricity’s post slowly and carefully and think about it. You haven’t changed your views at all throughout this thread, have you? You need to really change your thinking - and to stop moaning about what you perceive as an unfair situation. You have a new grandchild and you see him a fair amount. Having grandchildren is a joy - but you need to have a life beyond that too. Do you still work? What are your interests?
Sit down with a cup of tea, quietly, at some point today and think carefully about what people have been good enough to take the time to post here - if you still feel self righteous, read the “estrangement” thread
THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT TO CHANGE THIS SITUATION FOR THE BETTER FOR EVERYONE

Brilliant post Apricity you said exactly what I would have Look to your self to make changes Sadgramma not others to fit round YOU all the time
You have SO much more than many

Sadgranma, your response is still the same. You appear to have learnt nothing from this very long and thoughtful thread. You "imagined you would play a bigger role." as granma. What you call desperation many would see as selfishness and anger because you aren't getting your own way.

Quite apart from your aggrieved feelings about ONLY spending the afternoon and evening of Christmas Day with your grandchild instead of the whole day as YOU planned, your son and daughter in law have invited you to spend two days of the family holiday with them next year. Instead of being appreciative of the two days offered you are peeved because it isn't the whole week that YOU planned! Frankly I think they are amazing to include you in their holiday plans at all.

YOU wrote your granma script without reference to anybody else and thought only about what YOU wanted and envisaged. Unfortunately you have overlooked the fact that you are not the central character in this story anymore, you now play a minor supporting role. Note the important phrase 'supporting role' not star turn. Your son and daughter in law are the main players in their personal family story not you.

Nothing stays the same, life changes, relationships evolve. If you are unable to adapt to those changes you will be left behind. You need to develop a life of your own in this next phase of your life cycle not desperately trying to cling to and dominate your son and his family's life.

Unfortunately you will probably continue to be a very Sadgranma because you seem unable to see anything from any perspective except your own. There are some pretty awful mother in law stories on GN but you are up there with some of the worst. My sympathies are entirely with your poor son and long suffering daughter in law.

It is frustrating. I too imagined I would play a bigger part in my grandsons life but quickly learned to lower my expectations,be grateful for the things you do have .It is the price we pay for having sons, dil's parents will come first and your son will put his wife's wishes first. Re the family vacation ,their family has changed and maybe they want to have a vacation as a family now and two days will be more than a lot of mother in laws get. My grandson will be two in March and I have never spent more than a few hours with him but I do see him and am grateful for that It is hard not to be jealous when her parents spend more time with him but I am working on it and so should you. You have to accept the way things are and not feel bitter. You are part of your grandchild's life just not in the way you dreamed of

I may come off as rude in my posts - I guess it is my desperation to be a part of the baby’s life. I always imagined i would play a bigger role - being asked to babysit, I thought I could save them money by doing childcare but I get rejected at every corner.

Now dil is saying she won’t be going on family vacation with us next year when her and my son have come along in years past. I just found out rather than spending a week together we are only getting two days with them.

It’s so frustrating to be shot down all the time when all I want to do is be a grandmother.

Both of my grandmothers have early dementia and are physically frail. If I find either of them on my doorstep, I am calling my parents immediately and I am not joking.

As for the intimate care issue, not every grandma is a sweet old lady. Both my brother and my brother in law made me promise during my first pregnancy that the baby would never be left unsupervised with either grandmother, or given intimate care by either. I know exactly why my brother asked that of me, and I trust my brother in law completely. I did not ask his reasons but have done as he requested.

This does not pertain to OP specifically, but sometimes parents have their own, good, reasons for keeping their little ones close. My own mother certainly is not a safe person to have any ‘alone time’.