flight booked and going to see my grandkids for Christmas

Please don't go. Think of your DIL - 2 little uns, the stressiest time of year for her husband, she is very preggers and possibly dreading the fact she has to 'make Christmas wonderful' for the children and her husband during the little time he has off (when he would rather be vegging out anyway) - and then MIL turns up and expects a family love in... - Have I said enough.

I would postpone visit until Easter. They are clearly showing you they ate too busy and stressed for visitors at the moment. If they can't even spare you a few minutes on FaceTime and your own son refuses to speak with you how can you feel welcome? You pushed to go but maybe they just too polite to tell you not a good time as too much going on at the moment.

A lot would depend on where they are in Canada and what help they’ve already lined up for the new baby. If the other grans aren’t around then they could probably do with some help with entertaining the other DGC, taking them out etc. I definitely would not stay with them other than perhaps Christmas Eve and/or night when you would be of use helping them.

Hi Brownsgirl, I really do understand your dilemma, I’ve been in a similar situation but visiting my son in the USA. You need to make your decision ASAP. Perhaps a delay until the spring? I do feel for you, it’s a horrible situation to be in. One other point to consider, remember how cold it will be in December, not much chance of getting out, by April the baby will be 4 months old and the warmer weather means you could take some nice walks. Whatever your decision, you will cope, that’s what we do isn’t it!

I think we fade into the background a bit in our children's lives because they are so tied up in their present lives. I don't believe they love us any the less. To the OP I would say, suggest postponing your trip till the Spring. See what they say about that.

Cancel! It sounds hellish at the moment. Look to yourself.

Hi Brownsgirl
Canada is snowy in winter. Which is pretty to look at, but hell to drive in. So. If you don't have experience driving in snow, you will be using Uber or cabs to get around. You need to factor in that expense into your budget for the vacation.
If you are able to change your ticket, I would do so, even if you have to take a hit financially. They sound like they are all pretty stressed and the pressure at Christmas will send that stress through the roof.
A note about Skype - I do know that kids are reluctant to have to sit and "do Skype" with someone who is really just a face in the computer. The only way my 6 and 3/4 year old DGD "does Skype" is if she can carry my iPhone around with her while she tells (and shows) her aunt in NYC what she is doing. If I use the laptop, she will say hi, stick around for a few minutes and then run off.
Be gracious and give them a break. Try again in the summer. Canada is at its best then anyhow and because the kids have a long summer vacation there is so much available to do!!

I really can't see much alternative to cancelling.
It is hard to imagine them having much more on their plate.
Winter in Canada can be difficult however used to it people are and they have a mountain of things to deal with.
It is not that unusual for flights in Canada to be cancelled over Christmas time so you might end up stuck there for longer than you expect.
They do not look on you as someone coming to help but as yet something else for them to deal with. I am really not surprised that they are cross especially the DIL even if you didn't know about the baby before. It is a time for them to be alone to get to know the new baby.
You did make a mistake and it might prove an expensive one but that is better than falling out totally with your son and his family.
If you can tell them that you can see that they have too many pressures this Christmas but you hope to be able to visit in the Spring or Summer, it will probably be relief to them.
It may not be personal so much as your son feeling overwhelmed (just one of those pressures alone would be enough for most people) and your daughter in law wanting to concentrate on her immediate family at this time.

“I had planned to spend Christmas there even before I knew of baby”
Please don’t say you invited yourself?
When you’re visiting, do you sit down and expect to be looked after or do you get stuck in?
I’m hoping you’re a ‘get stuck in person’ because otherwise, frankly, you’re a cheeky bugger and I don’t blame your son for feeling stressed.

Can you rearrange when to go? Thinking of how things are for your DIL - two small kiddies, a baby due very soon, the usual Christmas stresses and a husband who works all sorts of hours to provide for them. A very stressful time for them all I would think, we all say 'I won't be any bother' but it is human nature to want to look after our visitor(s) and, even though you don't intend to add to their stress levels, it will. If you can wait until a few months after the baby is born then I would say change your plans.

Think most important person here is the mother who’s just about to have her third child - her opinion is the one I would seek. Does she have family over there? If she doesn’t, she may welcome some help, but it has to be her choice (sounds as though they have more than enough going on & are unlikely to welcome a ‘guest’, never mind a helper!). Do you generally get on well with your dil? I hate to say it, but mothers-in-law (particularly of an only son) tend to have difficult relationships with their dils at the best of times (huge generalisation, i know) and your visit could contribute to an already anxious time for them. In my opinion, far better to visit when the baby is a little older (?next summer) when your trip can be more of a lovely break for everyone concerned.

If you can't cancel, I think you should make yourself a strict timetable.
Spend time doing your own thing, keep visits short and offer practical help.
Have very low expectations.

Sorry but its not a great situation.

I agree with oldbatty - that's the way to play it if you do go. But before that why not send a text saying that you've been thinking it over and feel it would be better to postpone... and see how they respond. Just be upbeat, brief and factual - it's very important not put this in a blaming, resentful or needy way! Maybe they'll be sorry they've been brusque and beg you to come, maybe they'll be relieved. Be prepared for either and let us know what happens!

MacCavity2
As claimed by one GN, quote 'our children rarely love as much as we love them'. How then do we measure love?
The bible reminds us, if that is ones faith. 'love does not demand its own way'. Of course you want to see your family but having acknowledged it is going to be a busy time for them and accept what your son has told you and without dragging in issues of accommodation or how long you intend staying then get hold of the airline and see what can be done about either cancelling your ticket or if possible changing the date until after new baby is born.

Craicon Do great minds think alike?

I had assumed that you had been invited but then news of the baby had come along and you were unsure whether to leave things as they were. If you have invited yourself that is more than awkward, although I still think you could be help if you wanted to be.

Difficult situation for all of you - they have so much going on and if your son is a chef the chances are he'll be working at some point over the holidays unless he is able to take paternity leave over there. Having been in a similar position when my youngest grandson was 6 weeks old in NZ we did find it very difficult at times even though we were staying in an apartment. My son was working most of the time and DIL was busy with the baby and the 2 year old.

I would first of all find out about the chances of rearranging your ticket to later next year. If that is possible before doing it message your DIL and just say on reflection you wonder if they would prefer you to change your dates? You can say you're very happy to help out if they need you but quite understand if it's not going to be convenient. Also make it plain you can have an alternative Christmas and will not be offended if this is better for them so they are not going to feel guilty about you being on your own (if you will be).

Don't worry about the children on Skype - my grandsons are ok for a couple of minutes and then lose interest and run off to play.

Chef working crazy hours, 6 and 7 year olds excited about Christmas, brand new baby probably not sleeping, whole family having to adjust to new child, Mum exhausted, I can really see why they might think a visiting grandparent from abroad will be the straw that breaks the camels back. This is one Christmas when I would leave this family to themselves. If not possible, then being entirely independent for the duration of the visit with your own accommodation and transport so that you are only making visits when they can cope is the alternative. There will be many more Christmas visits to come in future years when things have calmed down.

^ I know they will all be different when I am there ...they always are and I love visiting but this is different than normal. ^

You say your son is a chef - I would therefore assume that Christmas will be an exceptionally busy and stressful time for him.
Does your DIL have any family over there who will help? If not, I would have thought she would be very grateful for your help, even if it is just doing chores, looking after the other two DGC when she has the baby.

Perhaps they think that having you there may mean extra chores, but you need to chat to your DIL rather than your son, about what she would like you to do.
If she says she would be grateful for help then go, but stay somewhere nearby rather than with them. If she is a bit hesitant about your visit, then I would postpone it - I think most airlines will allow you to change your flight for a small fee.

I get the impression from what you described that you effectively told them you WOULD be coming for Christmas and they were just expected to accept it. (Not saying that this is correct; rather it is just the impression I have.) Now they'll have a new baby in the mix PLUS the Christmas holidays PLUS your son working.

I don't think this is the best time to go.

I agree with the suggestion that you offer to defer. Maybe word it as "Listen, I know you'll have a lot going on this Christmas. Would it be easier for you if I rescheduled? What would be a good time?" This way you're offering and giving them an out - they can feel free to say that it's okay, they'd still love to have you come, or they can say they'd rather have you another time.

I think grannytotwins, a couple of posts above this, has given you succinct and first-class advice.

You will probably get an answer one way or another and, if you don't, I think lack of response will suggest you postpone your visit.

I hope everything works out for you.

Oops - not a couple of posts above mine. I am a whole page out. Grannytotwins wrote the penultimate post on Page 1.

Christmas is stressful at the best of times ...if I were you, I would postpone the trip til Jan/Feb.
All the best xx

I'm only on page 1

The baby maybe due the week before Christmas, but, unless DiL is having a planned C-section, that could be a movable date - even New Year. The household will surely be in a stressed state even without you. It would be for the best if you allowed them to settle down again as a family, getting to know the new arrival. Christmas, as has already been said, is typically a time when families are stressed and - in my experience - at their worst! Please don't make it worse for them.