Miles away :-(

When someone asks Grans for their thoughts/opinions/experiences, guess what, that's what you get - a spectrum of views they may or may not have been what you wanted to hear. It's like life, multicoloured and multifaceted but together we make a rainbow. But leaving all that aside can I wish you a lovely visit to your son and his family in Korea. Cherish what you have. ?

Well, our visit is now only just over a week away, and I have to say that many of the replies to my original post haven't filled me with confidence about it. Many people seem to think I expect much more of DGD than I actually do (eg notanan2 "... expecting fondness on demand" or " "You want a 4 yr old to demonstrate to you that she knows & likes you but really you do sound like you approach it like its hard work, which it is but because of your approach not because of time zones or language"). Also many seem to assume I haven't tried to engage with her in the past : we've done drawing, story time, building things, baking, playing with bubbles, going to look at animals in the local park, doing puzzles, taking her to and collecting her from daycare (looking at nature etc on the way), playing in the park, pretend play at home (eg doctors and nurses) ... the list goes on. All I was really looking for was a bit of empathy with our situation (which was what I thought, obviously mistakenly, GransNet would be all about) and possibly hearing from others in similar situations (thanks to those who've seen this and responded accordingly). Just to be clear : Skype is not the same as a cuddle, it's a very poor substitute, but I realise that most of the time that's all that's available and have to make do - DS and DiL do all they can to make Skypeing into a good experience, but we don't try to force DGD to interact - we don't expect interest/engagement on demand - we're not entirely clueless or pushy in this respect!
Don't think I'll be posting on GransNet again, sorry!

I do understand your situation as two of my grandchildren live 12,000 kms away. I wouldn't add to your stress by trying to learn Korean. Just speak English with your granddaughter rather than limited and mispronounced Korean. This was my instruction from my son when I attempted mangled versions of my grandchildren's first language!

Let your granddaughter introduce you to her world rather than trying to get her to understand your world. Her interest in old family photos is likely to be very limited or non existent at this age, it may, or may not, be more as she gets older. Don't see this as a personal rejection it's just normal.

One of the best small toys (ie. light and easy to take overseas) I have ever purchased was a collection of finger puppets. Mine are knitted Peruvian ones. Your can enact all sorts of stories and games with them and little ones love them. Great ice breakers.

With her parents help encourage her to show you where she goes to kinder or daycare, where she plays, maybe meet her friends or teacher. With language difficulties showing rather than talking can be much easier. Take photos with you together in these places. These will be of much more interest to her and will serve as talking points for later trips.

As others have said relax, go with as few expectations as you can and let your granddaughter be your guide.

I have a dgs who is 5,000 miles distant. I've only seen him twice. We sometimes FaceTime and when he gets fed up, off he goes. I try and have something ito show him. Silly stuff. A hat on my head made out of newspaper.... A silly plastic trumpet. Dh is great at making Donald Duck noises. We play 'Boo' with a sheet of paper, a towel, and peeking on and off the screen.

Let your dgd make the pace. One thing I've found is that any child likes to toss a ball, kick a ball. There are foam balls that can''t do much damage even indoors and are easy to handle, football size. Only cost a few £. I got one delivered to my dgc via Amazon before I visited (too big for a suitcase). We used this to break the ice in the garden.

Just take it as it comes op, although I know it is hard not to have expectations. (hugs)

Let her teach you some words children love teaching you things
I have two NZ born grandchildren of course there isn’t a language problem but I ve only met them about half a dozen times in 20 years so there is a difference which you can’t avoid or change
I m sure it will work out and just relax and enjoy it at whatever level you can
No expectations and don’t try too hard kids pick up on negativity or worry very easily

As useful as tips re toys and flashcards are, the reality is that the quality of your skype relationship with your GD will depend on your relationship with your son and DIL. If you (the adults) enjoy skyping each other the kid will be curious and will join in intermittently.

If the adults dont carry much of the chat then plonking the child on skype with orders to talk to granny wont be much of a hit with her.

I think the main thing is communication, pop into a toy shop a pick up a pack of flash cards, the ones with a big picture on it with the word, amazon do some good ones. I have a friend whose son is deaf, and I find them invaluable. If say I want to know if he wants a sandwich, I show him the relevant pictures, he then shows me the sign language for them. It’s a way you can learn Korean and her English, and perhaps bump along together.

I’m sure she will be better in her own home, and you will have a lovely time

Sorry gunsway, I misspell your name (or rather predictive text did). Many apologies

Thanks for your advice runaway, but a couple of problems have arisen for me when trying to learn Korean (both online and with native speakers) : firstly as I've got older my memory has got worse, so I soon forget everything I learn (and BTW, when I was younger I had a facility for learning languages, having studied French to degree level, and learning some German, Italian and Spanish). Secondly I'm quite deaf, so don't always hear what I'm trying to learn correctly. I do know quite a few words now, but find the sentence structure very difficult. Also (and I realise this is a generalisation) Koreans do tend to speak very quickly and also tend to look at me blankly when I try out the few words and phrases I do know. But I'll keep trying despite all this.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wow, this thread has spiralled into something else. Let me be clear : I don't expect a one to one 'adult' conversation with granddaughter; I'm not expecting her to like me or connect with me on sight; I know it takes time and effort on the adult's part to build up a relationship. I'm not being critical of my GD's behaviour, just describing it. When we've met up (3 times in each country) I've done lots of the things you've all suggested with GD and we've had a nice time, but each visit feels like starting from scratch with her (nobody's fault, just how it is).
I'm hoping our imminent visit is fun but I don't expect GD to immediately warm to me; but will be grateful when she does, and won't put any pressure on her to do so.

Accounting for a time difference is no different from accounting for people lives in the same timezone, e.g you don't phone night workers at midday, you don't phone stay at home parents at school run time etc

Distance/language/timezones are not your main problem here. You would be having same issues if you expected a kid that age living one town over to keep demonstrating fondness to you on demand.

Also I agree with your DH that you are being overly negative. I have friends and family in more or less the same time zone and don't find it at all prohibitive. There are plenty of times when we are all awake at the same time and I have my smartphone clock set to display both times. You want a 4 yr old to demonstrate to you that she knows & likes you but really you do sound like you approach it like its hard work, which it is but because of your approach not because of time zones or language. Preschoolers make up nonsense words half the time anyway and as another poster said: most of what they like at that age is non verbal anyway: a funny face or a raspberry etc

We have friends and family abroad that my kids "know" via skype... they popped on and off while I chatted with the other adult. They were polite but didn't hold up adult conversations.. that was fine with most people, the odd one or two who expected them to "perform" rather than just be there are not people they grew fond of. Similar with letters.. they remember the people who sent them little bits and notes with no post... they are not keen on the ones that expected them to be little pen pals to adults (I did make them write thank yous but writing to adults is just like doing extra home work).

Building a relationship with kids is not a 50:50 thing like it is with other adults. If you give without expectation they will open up. Put them on the spot and they just see your calls/visits as a tedious chore!

I think your expectations are way off if you expect a decent 2 way conversation on skype from a kid that young regardless of language differences! Also what you describe as "difficult" sounds pretty standard for a preschooler. Given your expectations of her I think things would be strained even if she spoke good english & lived nearby! If you want a sensible 2 way conversation speak to the adults, kids have limited interest in adults at the best of times (although they should be taught to not be rude about it as they get older)

Bring ‘British’ things! Toys, foods, possibly sweets etc - she will be excited to try those and show them off at preschool.

Will son and DIL help you with days out and trips etc? She will enjoy showing you some of her favourite places to visit.

Find some novel little things suitable for her age group ...a selection that can be produced gradually throughout your time together. Maybe stickers/a mini kaleidoscope/ a little hand puppet to play peekaboo with/ a couple of suitable little craft making boxes (Galt does a variety available in toy shops and smiths)/ a matching game/ a little paint box, paper and some brushes .......and so on. These don't have to be expensive - try some of the cheap shops maybe near you - Poundland/Wilkos etc, they have great selections. Connect with her through shared activity and making yourself interesting to her with activities/things to intrigue her etc. Take snaps on your phone, print the photos if you can and make up little books with her. Also worth asking her parents what her interests are at the moment - maybe a particular animal etc. My grandchildren went through a butterfly phase for instance when they were 4-5 years old, and still have a fascination. Good luck and enjoy!

I agree with jaycee5 enjoy the trip to see your son and regard everything else thats nice as a bonus.
This is the only way I can cope with middle son in usa with grandchildren I see once a year and a daughter in law who has no interest whatsoever in her english relatives by marriage.

It's not easy having a close relationship (or any kind of relationship) when a child lives so far away. You have nothing in common to talk about. Two of my grandchildren live 156 miles away and we only see them two or three times a year for a couple of days at a time. I feel hardly anything for them, which is a great shame as I have a very close relationship with my other four Grandchildren. It's just the way things are. I'm sure my daughter, their mother, would be devastated if she knew so I say nothing. The only thing I can say is go, try not to let your feelings show and enjoy your holiday. Sometimes things that you aren't looking forward to turn out to be more enjoyable than things that you are looking forward to as expectations can be too high. I hope when you've been and returned home you'll let us know how things went no matter if it went well or not so well. I'm sure people who have posted on here would like to know.

I had the same problem between mil and my kids. They didn’t speak same language. She brilliantly bought some water pistols and had a great time with them. Also, bonded over food. And the chickens she kept. It’s always possible despite barriers. Hope it goes fab for you,

My DD has been telling me about an app for learning languages in a fun way. She is 'doing' Chinese, and 12 year old DGS Japanese. It's called Duolingo, and it's free. I'm going to have a go myself.

My suggestion would be that you concentrate your energy on enjoying seeing your son and DIL rather than on the granddaughter. I hope, she will, as others have said be easier to get on with when she hasn't been travelling. Let her monopolise your DH who she knows better than she knows you.

Try unless her parents ask for advice to ignore any bad behaviour from your DGD.

A four year old will often respond well to a grown -up who is friendly but not all over her and leaves her to come or not as she pleases.

Keep in touch here, as obviously talking to your DH about this isn't the best thing, right now.

Not quite the same but I have 7 grandkids who I adore. My 4th grandchild is slightly autistic and has behavioural problems and for some reason he couldn’t take to me he disliked me from day one. I found it hard to bond with him . He used to kick me, spit at me, lie about me If I am honest I dreaded his visits.
Then one night when he was at mine I heard a hedgehog grunting in my garden I grabbed his hand and ran out, he had never seen a hedgehog she just stood there transfixed. She had her babies there. He couldn’t wait to come back to mine to see the hedgehog. We made a little hedgehog house and researched how to care for them. Then I got a bird table and some binocular’s he would spend hours watching the birds. Slowly we bonded though our love of nature, now he comes to my home whenever he can, he has his own little garden and wildlife patch we are now very close.
Can you find a common interest with your grandchild? Maybe something she can recognise and focus on, something that doesn’t need a lot of explaining can you help her grow a plant or tree to remind her of you? Can you teach her a skill like kitting ? maybe teach her English ? Perhaps you could make something together when you visit. She is a child so its your job to try reach out to her but because she is a child she will be open to you more than adult. Grandkids are a joy so it ill be worth it I am sure I wish you well.

Like Farmor my grandchildren live in Sweden so I do not see them regularly. However I do love to visit because then I have a picture in my mind of their daily lives and interests and I can then Whatsapp them - and they me - and send letters. I love to see Sweden too. It's lovely that as they grow they can remember things we did together last time we met. Look on this as a lovely holiday visiting your family and discovering their lifestyle.

Hi I am a ex teacher who also worked with children with English as their second language, you say she was born in 2014 so she is very young!don't feel bad about not knowing her,how could you?you live in different countries and language is also a problem!
Somethings are universal,a smile and friendly face, always start with this! Ask your son what she likes, and take a British goody bag,to show her where you come from,maybe a paddington bear, a toy from Beatrix potter, a little union Jack flag to wave, a picture book you can share,that does not need a lot of reading ,so you can tell what the word is in English and she can repeat it and tell you the Korean word,find a funny thing to take with you, like one of those daisies that wobble when the sun shines,or a funny puppet,these will be massive ice breakers,and it's a slow war to get you and her bonded.
Maybe when you come home send her a little parcel now and again,and you can talk about these on Skype.

You can learn Korean just like that!! Try odd words and gather to teach you,small children love that!
Start with hello,goodbye,thank you ,.

Use the time and enjoy it ,you will see into her world and she will be comfortable to share it with you!

Enjoy every minute!